azusaman Posted November 21, 2009 Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 I got a call from a couple of ladies I used to work with and they have asked me to dinner. I was reluctant at first (my wife wasn't too fond of either of them), but think it's time to quit sitting around being depressed and at least start connecting with people again. Then I got a call last night from another gal that used to work with my wife and we had a great conversation about when she worked for Adrianne and all the laughs they had at work. She also has a good friend who is a grief counselor who is going to call me. Maybe these are some positive signs that life will go on. Just thought I would share this with everyone instead of the down stuff all the time. Today is laundry, change bedding, dusting, pool chemicals and vacuuming, so I've got to get started. Best to all, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 21, 2009 Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 Hi Ted, I'm glad to hear that you are feeling a bit positive about life going on. All we can do is try and do the best that we can. I find I am better when with friends. When I'm home alone I get sad and I cry a lot. I also feel a call from a grief counselor is a great idea. I hope you are able to find some healing. I'm going to a grief seminar this morning on how to handle the holidays. I hope they offer some good tips because it's going to be difficult for me. I think I have Thanksgiving under control -- going to the beach with my son. I'm just not sure about Christmas and New Year's Eve. Brian and I really enjoyed celebrating holidays together. Guess I'll take it one step at a time. Hope your day includes some peace. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 Thank you so much Linda. As silly as it sounds, it is a pretty big step for me because I don't feel very sure of myself. I think I will go to the grief session coming up also. It just happens to be the day before Thanksgiving and that should make for an interesting session. I hope your day includes some peace (Philippians 4:7), love and blessings also. Best to you, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 Thanks Tim, Sometimes I wish I just had rocks in the back yard instead of a pool...a whole lot less maintenance. Plus, I have tiff, which is a bunch more work. Hope you are doing well Tim. I know this great weather must help our attitudes somewhat too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water.....I just lost it folding towels this afternoon thinking about how many times Adrianne folded those same towels. This grief thing sneaks up on you when you least expect it. It's a real Bit**! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 21, 2009 Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 I would definitely have to agree with you. I just never know when the emotions are going to take over. I guess there's nothing to do but to give in and keep seeking that elusive peace and healing. Hugs to you. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2009 Linda, I see you list celtic music a genre you like. My wife and I enjoyed The Rankin Family. Ever heard of them? Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Speakin of Grief again...today when I woke up I felt this presence with me...and it wasn't the Lord...I couldn't shake it all day...My guess is that it is despair...bad place to land...the grief and sorrow you move thru...despair is like an ulgly place you land and it can overtake you...I was minding my own business going for a walk in our beautiful weather when all of a sudden boom!! Sadness comes over me...I had to get home and try and shake it off...Like I was telling Ted...Our spouses liked us and loved us, so who do we know that knew us so well....everything about us...our goods and our bads and accepted us just like the way we are...If I think like this too much, I can bring on a heaviness that won't lift...I hate this because I'm usally a very positive and fun person....I am probably not wanting to leave AZ to live with my mom for awhile...Word to the wize, don't make big decisions too soon...I made this decision to go to Calie even before Bob passed....!! I went out for an early dinner with some friends and it was date night...that's fun....Talk to you all later...Blessings, Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 What is Azusaman mean?? I use that saying all the time about the water....Sounds like you are a good housekeeper...are you a neat nick??? I worked outside today in my garden trying to get rid of this grief monster...all it does is lurk around corners waiting for the unsuspecting widow to meet it face to face...I would love to get a Saturday night special and do it in...and somehow fight it................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Rochel, you're kinda scaring me there with that Saturday night special talk. I feel like there is something I need to do but I don't know what to do to help you on this site. If you want to e-mail please do. I'll help you all I can. Azusaman doesn't mean anything really...just means I'm a man from Arizona USA. Please call your prayer partner. I'm concerned, Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Rochel, maybe you can change your mind about the Cali deal but I don't know how committed you are. I am worried because you sound so deep with heaviness and grief and I'm a lousy counselor. I wish there was something I could do or say to help you out of this but I'm not Bob, and like you said before "they ain't coming back" and we have to deal with that reality as cold as that sounds. Actually when you said that in an earlier response, it helped me snap out the funk I was in. Why don't you curl up in front of the tv and watch a movie or something and try and get your mind off of it for a while. The Lord bless and keep you tonight. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Rochel: I hope you are okay...that grief monster sneaks up on all of us at anytime of day or night. I had a heck of a time getting to sleep last night (and then, just as I was starting to drift off, the baby started to cry ). Remember that sometimes you just have to concentrate on getting through the moment. There is no other way around this journey. Ted: I think the first thing I did to sort of reenter life, if just a teeny bit, was go to the football game. Scott and I had season tickets. I took a girlfriend from work (who incidentally didn't know a thing about football, but that wasn't really the point - we mostly played with the baby and yakked about work, as I am still on mat leave). I have been able to talk to her about Scott with ease. Just tonight, I went to over to dinner at our friend's place. I find that I just go on about Scott whenever I feel like it, and so far, people have not been too awkward about it. I had a very nice time, and Kailyn got to see people she doesn't normally see, plus some dogs - fascinating for her!) Scott and I had intended to take this couple out to dinner, but it just never happened, so I like to imagine that Scott stopped by.... Take care, Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Yeah Korina, this is kind of big step for me just going out to dinner. I haven't done anything but go to lunch with my son and one other friend since Adrianne died. I'll let you all know how it went. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi Korina, Thanks for checking up on me...I am much better today because I got a real dent in the packing and making of plans for the trip...I'm so glad that the beauty of the internet, I can take my forum family with me wherever I go...We need this connectedness at this time of our lives...I also went out with some friends and Bob was suppose to be there...It is good to be with people that will allow us to babble on about our Loves...Today I'm going to church with my daughter and her husband and I plan to get more "positive" about life, living and the pursuit of happiness....Bless your Sunday...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Good Morning Ted, Thanks for the kick in the rear to help me realize that I have been getting so negative...It is good that we can all recognize when one of us is really out of sync...That is what is so good about this site...we are all on the same page and we all know how much it hurts to grieve this much...what a great healing tool this is...Thanks again Ted for rising to the occasion...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi Ted, I've not heard of The Rankin Family . . . will look them up on You Tube. Some of our favorites are Cantrip, Malinkey, Glengerry Bhoys, Solas, John Doyle, and Dick Gaughin. Brian's favorite song by Dich Gaughin is "Song for Ireland". It's a beautiful song and Brian learned to play it on his guitar. He was a great guitar player and had a beautiful voice -- I miss hearing him sing to me. I hope this Sunday brings some peace for your soul. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Good morning Rochel, Glad you're feeling better. I'm off to church myself this morning but that is also a trigger because I sit there and miss my honey sitting next to me. It will be ok though because I know that's where I'm supposed to be and I get blessed by just being there and hearing a great message from our pastor. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Glad you are going to church...sounds like you like your Pastor a lot....that's good...I don't go to where we attended..it is too hard...I'm trying Praxis in Tempe...Did you two go together every Sunday...I don't like going alone, but I too got the word this morning from the Lord to be there...He is going to show me more about this healing..I think I will call it healing instead of grief unless it is crappy then it is back to calling it grief..Talk to you soon...Rochel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Linda, I'll bet you do miss your Brian's playing. Just wanted to tell you our two favorite Rankin Family songs were: You Feel The Same Way Too 40 Days And 40 Nights Have a great Lord's Day. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Rochel, Yes, we did go to church together every Sunday up until about the last year and then it was sporadic. Adrianne used to be involved in the women's ministry there and prepared the snacks for her group before service began. They called her the "food diva". Calvary Community Church is the name of the church. On I-17 between Cactus and Thunderbird with another new campus on 59th Ave. and Bell. We loved our church but it's not the same sitting by myself. I gotta hang in there though...it's going to get better. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeeGee Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 What happened to to me recently about "getting out of the house" is that an "ex sister-in-law" (sister of my first husband from whom I was divorced but remained on friendly terms with both of his sisters - and actually all of his family)and I were talking (I called her for something else) and she invited me to attend a Saturday evening dinner at a local restaurant. She was widowed 3 years ago. She said this is a group of widows/widdowers who get together once per month for dinner at a restaurant. On Monday, the day I talked to her, it sounded like a good opportunity for me to get out among other adults. Then Wednesday of that week was Veteran's Day and I attended the ceremonies at the National Cemetery and saw my husband's gravemarker for the first time. I was not good that night and for those next days at all. When Saturday came I woke up with a feeling of dread about having said I would go out to the dinner. Frittered and fretted around here for several hours before calling my ex-sister-in-law (at this point I think I actually should just refer to her as "my friend")and finally around 1:00 PM got up the nerve to call her and beg off.... due to still having a lingering cough from having the flu, which was no lie. But I was also struck by the fact that I have been pushing myself to "return to normal" - whatever that is - at the urging of family members who have outright said to me things like "you need to get on with your life" and "you need to make a new life for yourself". And this is most undoubtedly true. But just not NOW! It is too soon for me! I guess the bottom line that I would say about this whole thing is to not be surprised if you think you want to "get back into life" and yet when the time comes to do it, you have deep inner feelings against it. DeeGee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 DeeGee - sounds like what I did, a lot. I can't tell you how many times my intentions were to do this or that, then backed out. Then got angry with myself, because I bought into the "you need to get a new life" comments. I finally came to really listen to myself, and myself only. If I felt comfortable doing something, good. If not, so what? Very early on, it usually made me feel even more miserable - I needed to get comfortable with myself first, to know who this changed person was. I'm not saying I didn't go out socially, but it was on my terms. My true friends have stuck by me (I was afraid they would abandon me if they didn't see me for months on end, lol). This is an ongoing process, by the way - Hugs, Marsha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azusaman Posted November 22, 2009 Author Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 You know DeeGee, I really don't feel like going to dinner with these two ladies Tuesday night, but I think they will keep bugging me until I do it. I think, also, their intentions are good (they are both widows), but emotionally, I just don't think I will do very well. Maybe I'm wrong and it will be good for me. Wish me luck. Ted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaKoz Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Thanks, Ted. I'll check them out. Here's a link to Dick Gaughin's Song for Ireland: Shortly after I met Brian I was in Boston for a weekend. Brian called me on the phone and played guitar / sang this song. It was the first time I ever heard him sing. I was thinking about moving to Boston to go to seminary but at that moment I realized that I was falling in love with this man and would not be moving. He sang the song for me many times over the years we shared together. I love to listen to it but I cry every time because of the memories attached. It's hard to keep going on without him but I keep trying. Peace, love, and blessings, Linda Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rochel Posted November 22, 2009 Report Share Posted November 22, 2009 Hi DeeGee, It looks like you joined us in August and I would say "Yes" it is too soon if you don't want to...Seeing his gravemarker for the first time is a shock too.....I found out 3 times that I pushed myself out the door too soon and when I got out there, I felt distant from everything and unable to happily communicate..It is so weird because I'm very outgoing usually with Bob at home or by my side...I should have read your letter a long time ago...Little by little baby steps...Bless you DeeGee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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