Sadness Prevails

[LindaKoz]

Hi Everyone,

As I sit here in the condo watching the water moving outside in the bay I can feel that familiar sadness rising up inside of me. Just moments ago I felt a calming peace but it's leaving me. Perhaps it is because I know it is time to return to reality. I miss my love. I want him to be sitting here with me. I think of how much fun we would have had spending Thanksgiving together at the beach -- it's something we never even thought about doing. I wanted to grow old with Brian. All of our dreams and hopes have been shattered. What am I going to do without him for the rest of my life? I'm not going to ask why because there are no answers. I guess I just have to make my way through this feeling knowing that it too will pass. But, I'm so tired of being on this grief roller coaster -- I want to get off. I want to be healed. I want to be able to think about Brian without crying. I want to be able to take out all of our memoriese and treasure them without the tears. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to do the grief work. I guess I just expect too much to soon.

Thanks for listening, my friends. It helps to know that we are in this together. If you could send some prayers my way, it would be much appreciated. Hugs from Maryland (soon to return to Pa.)

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[LindaG]

Linda-

I am right there with you. I try to do my work in the morning and run around in the afternoon as that is when the exhaustion and emotion really roll in. I just drove home and thought about driving down to one of the beaches and thought - no - I was there with Joe in early October. We had lunch and walked along the jetty, not knowing he would be striken in a few short days.... and then it all comes flooding back and I am crying again. I am told we should let all of the emotions out and not try to manage them but the pain is so intense that it exhausts me.

The reality is - we can't change anything. We have to rely on the good help of professionals and others who have lived this and hope we come out the other side and are able to function again. I am having some clearer moments but to have his death happen a few months before the holidays, I am sure is adding to the already heightened emotion. I feel word for word most of what you and Steely write. You are not alone.

- Linda G

[David'sGirlStill]

Ladies,

My heart and prayers go out to both of you. I've been on this roller coaster a little longer than both of you, but, I'm sorry to say I have no words of wisdom. I'm not even sure the best way to deal day to day. I came into work this afternoon (which is an hour and half drive) because I was losing it at home. i cryed on the way here. Once I got here I was ok, and focued on what i had to do. Now it's time to go home and the tears are coming again. I don't know which is better to shove it away or to wallow in our pain. I sound like a child when I say this but... It's just not fair. There are so many people together that are unhappy with each other. And yet it was time for our loved ones to go home, who were perfectly happy here with us.

Thank you for listening and strong hugs to all.

Phyllis

[azusaman]

All you gals, Lots of triggers huh? Today, doing the laundry and changing the sheets set me off. Also, if I just try to sit on the patio and look at our little "oasis" , there is an empty chair there where she used to sit. I hate this trip too but I get some relief on this site and know that I am not alone in this. What really gets me is how it just creeps back onto you just when your not thinking about it and having a good moment. I think Rochel called it the "grief monster" or something like that. I'll leave you with the advice that almost all of you say to me. Be kind to yourself, hugs, peace and blessings and all of that stuff.

Ted

[derby]

Linda,

Prayers said....heartfelt. Blessings my friend and let us know you arrived safely home. Hugs, Debbie

[Kat2005]

Linda,

I will keep you in my prayers and I hope your have a safe trip home.

This roller coaster of emotions are so hard to deal with right now. I need to have some work done on our garage soon so I needed to start cleaning it out. As I said before, Pat was a pack rat. He didn't want to throw anything away because there was always that small chance he may need it in the future. I really didn't think it would make the tears flow as it did. It was actually just as hard or harder than cleaning closets. There was so much of Pat in that garage that I lost it. The tools that he used to do work around the house with and the bike he took his afternoon rides around the neighborhood. He loved riding his bike because he stopped driving about a year ago and he it allowed him to get out of the house on nice days. I know he was probably watching everything I was doing and saying don't throw that away you may need that.

I know it is going to take time. During this journey we will have alot of ups and downs. Some days will be good days and some days not so good. We just have to believe that there is purpose for all of this and we will be stronger. Tomorrow is a new day. I wonder what it will have to offer. I will keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care,

Kat

[Stuart]

Ladies and Ted,

What a great description "Roller Coaster Ride". I too have found myself smiling at something I overheard that was very funny. A short time later I heard a song that Heidi and I loved to dance to and it started the tears. I would never ride a real roller coaster. ( I get all the thrills I need driving on the interstate highways in Pa. NJ.,& De.) I certantly do not like this emotional roller coaster. I hope for the day I can get off of it. I wish you all well.

Bless you,

Stuart

[LindaKoz]

Hi All,

Well I made it home. During our drive there were some tears -- maybe not such a great thing while driving but I'm getting used to it. My son is amazing. He gave up his entire Thanksgiving break from college to spend time with me as I try to heal from this great sadness. But, he loves Brian also and he understands my loss. Coming home was very difficult but my son and my sister spent the evening with me. We drank some wine and just talked. With the two of them I am able to break down when I need to and they understand. My sister was very close with Brian also and she misses him. I guess it is true that we need to face our new lives one day (or one moment) at a time. I'm trying to be gentle with myself but tonight I did give in to the guilt. My son assured me that I did all that I could do with the knowledge that I had. I just wish I had known more and was able to do more. But, it is what it is and I will keep trying to live. If I don't, it will be a dishonor to Brian's memory because he lived his life to the fullest.

Thanks for all of the prayers and support along with the acknowledgement that we are all walking the same path. I love you all even though we have not met. Prayers and hugs to you from Pa.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

Must be something in the air. The last couple of days have sucked for me. Even though I bumped into a dear friend and had lunch with her yesterday. I gave in to the guilt monster, particularly after I looked at a photo from just over a year ago - a good one of the two of us, me pregnant. A happy picture. I also got angry and then pleaded with God for a do over. I just had to get out tonight, or I would have wallowed in front of the tv. I am glad, as I went to hear my friend sing, and just about all of the extended family (our surrogate family) was there. In fact my friend relayed an inspiring story about how she asked Scott to help her find something, and she found it. Actually, she sang a solo during his memorial service, and when she didn't think she would be able to make it through the song, she asked him for strength, and she went on to sing beautifully. Well, there I started out with a really depressed post, and ended off on a good note, unintentionally. Glad I sat down and typed.

Korina

[LindaKoz]

I thought I was doing pretty good today. Spent some time walking on a beautiful sunny day with my best friend. We had a good conversation and though there were tears as we talked about Brian, there was also a sense of peace. Unfortunately it didn't last. When I got home my son and I raked some leaves in our back yard and memories of last year flooded my mind. I started thinking how if Brian and I had been raking the leaves together we would be laughing and having fun and then we would come inside, make dinner, and have a few beers. All of a sudden overwhelming emotions took over and I was sobbing uncontrollably. I miss him so much and my heart is aching. How am I ever going to put myself back together? How will I find a new way to live without the man I love?

Once again I am thankful for all of you because I know you understand what I am experiencing. Thanks for being there and for letting me lean on you when I am unable to stand. It really does help to ease the pain just a bit.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[azusaman]

I guess this just must be because it is the end of the Thanksgiving weekend that it is such a down day, at least for me. Had a couple of drinks to try to kill the pain but it ended up making it worse. I am beginning to be concerned about the alcohol. I never was much of a drinker my whole life but this is becoming somewhat habitual for me and I don't particularly like confessing that. Does anyone else see this as a problem for them and how much is too much? Thanks for listening.

Ted

[Kat2005]

Ted,

I am not expert on this but I do know that alcohol is not the answer. It actually will make your symptoms worse like you said. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think you might need to talk to your doctor. I know many people say that they don't want to take any medications. I didn't want to take anything either but I was crying all the time and I felt like I couldn't function in the everyday world. I decided to talk to my doctor and she prescribed Wellbutrin XL. I did find it helped. It just takes the edge off. I still cry and go through everything that I was feeling and going through before, it is just not as intense. I feel like I can control it a little more.

You also know that we are all here for you when you need us. Next time when you get the urge to have that little drink come here I am sure there will be someone here that will listen.

Take Care,

Kat

[LindaKoz]

Hi Ted,

I guess for me the difference is now I drink alone. Brian and I always enjoyed our "Happy Hours" and he said I was cute when I had a little too much wine. But, I never drank more than one glass of wine by myself . . . I am now. Is it a problem? I don't think so right now but I am aware enough to understand that it could lead to a problem so I'm monitoring. Thanks for raising the question, Ted, and for having the courage to broach the subject. I'll try to be careful and I hope that you will too. I guess the answer to how much is too much depends upon the individual and perhaps the drink of choice. Maybe we can keep checking in with each other? I had two glasses of wine tonight and I'm about done. I promise to be honest if you do. Hugs, my friend.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[azusaman]

Thanks to all of you for the great support and caring. You guys are the greatest. I'm going to try quit grabbing for the scotch every time I feel the "grief monster" approaching. After all, I think my dear Adrianne would be alive today had she quit drinking when 3 years ago when she had cancer. She (with God's help) beat the cancer but couldn't stop drinking. Her dad died at 45 with cirrhosis of the liver the same as she did except she made it to 50. And Tim, maybe I'' take you up on that football game...see how the week goes.

Thank you all for being there,

Ted

[Korina]

For me personally, I haven't had a drink since I got pregnant (over a year and a half ago). If I do start again, I will try and make sure it is in a social situation, or with a meal. But I still don't feel like drinking because of the negative feelings I have towards alcohol as it was addiction that killed my Scott. I am still very angry about that, very angry at the disease and therefore alcohol. Don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge anyone else enjoying a good glass of wine, etc, but know that I do not want to let alcohol become a crutch for me. Besides, I never was a very good drinker...

Korina