Advice?

[JohnG]

Tomorrow, December 30th would have been my 20th wedding anniversary.Does anybody have any help with getting through this day? I'm dreading it and would honestly like to crawl into a hole and not be bothered by anyone or anything, but I know that this isn't healthy for me or even fair to my family and friends who really do want to help me through this hard time.

I just want to get through it without being knocked back down for too long.

[mrspapajohn]

Oh, John - - I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I faced my 28th anniversary just 2 months after Stephen died. Since I had Stephen buried near his friends and family in Ft. Worth, TX, and I live in Phoenix, it was a day that I could plan for. I flew to Ft. Worth without telling anyone in his family that I was coming, spent several cold and rainy hours at his grave (It was o.k. The weather matched my frame of mind), and then flew back to Phoenix. For the rest of my life I will remember how cold and empty the house was when I returned. The loneliness slapped me in the face as soon as I walked through the door.

Everyone handles these horrible, empty feelings differently. Some seem to find comfort being surrounded by family and friends. Others, like me, prefer to remain isolated with our own thoughts. I am getting through these holidays by pretending that it is not the holiday season at all. It is too soon for such specific memories to come creeping back. The nerves are too raw.

Some friends are understanding, others think that we should "snap out of it." I would much rather be around the understanding friends. Tough love has never worked for me personally. Just remember that it is you who is important tomorrow. Cry when you feel like it. Sleep when you can. Eat when you can. Talk about her all you want to. Steal away for quiet time when you need it. Remember, she is in your heart riding around with you and she always will be there.

Above all, I wish you peace tomorrow. Please log on and let us know how you did.

Kathy

[MartyT]

John, dear ~ You may find this article helpful: Creating Personal Grief Rituals

[Kat2005]

John,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Everyone deals with this in their own way. This may sound silly but I bought some balloons. I bought a "Merry Christmas" , "Birthday" (Pat's b-day was 12/28)and a "I Miss You" balloon. I went to the cemetary and let them go and watched until I couldn't see them anymore. I plan on doing it Valentine's Day and our anniversary in April. It may sound silly but it brought me much comfort and right now I will do anything to get through each day.

If you need to be alone family and true friends will understand. You do whatever gets you through the day. Be kind to yourself and remember she will live in your heart forever. I will keep you in my prayers!

Take care,

Kat

[tracy poulos]

Hi John,

I am so sorry, I just lost my husband September 25th and the holidays have been very very hard, can't wait for them to be over, do what you need to do for you. I stayed home alone on Christmas eve as I couldn't quit crying all night long.

My family understood but felt bad they think I need to be around people and most days I don't want to leave my house. I have extreme anxiety and depression I am now on my 3rd new anti depressant and they all have different side effects

which I hate, insomnia, nausea, foggy head, (not sure which is worse the side effects or the depression). My heart goes out to you today as we all face the "first's" . Alot of people say the first year is the hardest. People keep telling me it will

get easier I feel it is getting harder as reality sets in.

[DeeGee]

John,

My husband John was gone for three months on 11/29. I got through Thanksgiving with the support of family and then it was our second wedding anniversary in early December. (We were in a loving, committed and supportive relationship for over 17 years prior to our actual marriage. Finally made the ultimate committment - to spend our old age together - and six months later he was diagnosed with kidney cancer. Unbelievable.)

On the actual day, I stayed home and grieved alone. I just did not want to be with anyone that day. And yes, it did "set me back" for about a week or so.

For Christmas, somehow I was stronger. I lit special candles on Christmas Eve and did not extinguish them until late Christmas night. And somehow seeing the flames of the candles comforted me.

DeeGee