My Sweet Baby Girl Markay

[mommy2markay]

My baby girl received her angel wings Dec 7 2009. It was actually unexpected when we found out about her disorder. I had a normal pregancy until Oct 22, 2009.It was discovered on the day that my baby was only 5 lbs and I was a day off from being 39 weeks. I was sent to the hospital that day for induction. The next day I had decided to have c section since the baby was stress even with little contractions. She was born Oct 23, 2009@ 6:31 PM. She weighed 4lbs 2 oz. Doctors had thougth that she could have a genetic disorder but had not received the diagnostic test yet.So while I recovered I cried every day and tried my hardest not to carry the sadness to the NICU to see her.

The following Tueday we received the news..... she had trisomy 18.It was devasting. The DR proceeded in telling us that babies with her condition usually have less then a year to live and stating that she would never walk,never talk or sit up. All I could think about was her clothes she would never wear, my dreams of having girl days with her. I felt awful, after all this was my sweet baby girl that I had wanted so much and the only child that I had actually prepared for. After I was able to control my sadness I mumbled out "When can she come home?" All I wanted was her to come home so that she can meet her two big brothers that had been waiting to see her.

Most mothers find out about the baby having trisomy while they are still pregnant,however I have yet to find a mother who had received the news after she has given birth form online stories. I was angry at first, thinking how could they not know or say anything was wrong with my baby, after all I had 3 ultrasounds prior with no indicaiton, other then my baby was small but they just pushed up my due date.

Then I thought about what if I did know would it make it any easier knowing that I was carrying a baby that might not live and for me the answer is no. I would'nt want her to feel any different then my previous pregnancies. Sometimes I think maybe that is what gave her the strength to be with us for 45 days. My baby was discharged from the hospital 10/30/09. I was so happy that finally her brothers can meet their baby sister. I remember my youngest son telling me that he wasn't going to be a big brother until his sister came home.

I remember the first week I was consumed with the disorder fearing that I would wake up and she would be gone. I was constantly checking on her. Then as the first week went by , I would get comfortable and I would see that she was beating the odds considering the disorder. Her brothers took turns holding her and loving her up.It was great, although I did n't know when her time would be to leave I loved every moment with her.

She taught me what true unconditional love was. She was so pure and innocent all she knew was love.I wake up every day and smell her baby clothes that she wore. I miss her so much. At times I feel guilty doing fun things just because she consumed my life, I lived for her the days she was living. I think the only thing that keeps me going are my boys and to have them know and feel that its going to be ok.

My fiance and I have talked of having more kids in fact when I found out about her disorder I wanted another baby right away. Now I think about and sometimes I feel bad. I know I need time to heal, my body is still feeling the aftermath of having a baby and I was pumping breast milk. I have yet to dream of my sweet baby girl and I don't know if I do and I can't remember or if my brain just won't let me.Today is just a really sad day for me. I made the phone call today to set up a session with a bereavement counselor for my family. I hope that we can feel better going to a person to talk to.

[eldersister]

I am so sory for your loss of your sweet baby. Your love and caring for your daughter shines through your post.

[JonKoisMom]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Markay. I have two deposits in heaven. My infant son,Noah,died 28yrs ago to SIDS. He was 7weeks old and my oldest son,Jon,died June 29,09. Though my children died from different causes, as a grieving mother, I can say that I'm here for you and praying for you.In my journey through grief, I've read many stories,such as yours,that bring back so vividly,Noah's death. He had just had his 6 week checkup and was healthy. I had to have an emergency C-Section with him. He weighed 9lbs.7oz.at birth. A week later,my husband got up to go to work and found him dead. I too was breast feeding and I remember the physical pain from being gorged and the horror of walking into the OB/GYN office and seeing all the pregnant women while I was there to get something to dry up my milk because my baby had died.I even remember thinking, the last time I saw the DR he was my OB and he was happily making wagers with the other DR about how much my baby would weigh.Now there I was sitting in the waiting room and he was now my GYN. I didn't plan it but I got pregnant with my son,Jason right away. Jason could have had the same birthday as Noah if I had wanted it because I was having a planned C-section. It was very difficult having a subsequent child right away.I had had a miscarriage before Noah, and all the time I was pregnant I thought,"if I can just carry this baby to term,everything will be ok". Then when I was pregnant with Jason, I thought the whole time "if this baby is a girl, It will be ok". I had so much fear that I would lose Jason too that I didn't bond with him properly. I learned why I wasn't close to him yrs later in counseling. Now we are close and even now, I wonder how much he would have looked like Jason. All of his milestones growing up were bittersweet because Noah never got them.

My oldest son, Jon, had Cerebral Palsy from complications at birth. He was in a wheelchair his whole life. He couldn't even feed himself. Jon had a good life. He made the best of it. He learned to type with a head stick and he touched many lives. Taught many people the meaning of patience. He died at the age of 37 from a choking accident. He went to lunch with someone from his group home and his heart was stopped for 9 minutes. They got him breathing again but he was brain-dead and we had to make the decision to let him go. I know they are in a better place and I will see them again. Each day is one day closer to that reunion. I'm sorry for the length of this but I guess deep down inside I was qualifying myself to let you know, we are in this group that no parent ever wants to be in but through reading and sharing and praying for each other, we will get through the pain. I spend a great deal of my evenings in another group that was recommended to me. Legacy,com Loss of a Child. I check back here to see if any new parents may need some support. Hugs of Hope. Kathy

[MdmesX]

My daughter Gloria was also diagnosed as IUGR 1 wk before my due date. She didn't handle even mild contractions well. I had to have an emergency c-section, but it was too late. Her little brain had sustained too much damage (no O2 for toooooo long). I'm curious why the OB didn't test for trisomy 18 for your baby. I think that test is done at around 20 wks ? ?

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened to you and your family. I imagine the grief is beyond measure. And you may be struggling to find meaning in it all. It has taken me years to find some kind of 'meaning' of why this happened to me and an innocent little baby.

Remember it's ok to grieve. It's ok to grieve in any way you feel is necessary. Just try not to focus 24/7 on what has happened. I did that and , boy, it made my life feel somewhat nightmarish. My experience with grief is it will never go away. Grief is like a wound. I'll always have a scar, but it won't hurt as much after a few years. Make sure you have good POSITIVE support around you at all times. Remember not to feel guilty for any of this. It is NOT your fault.

Anyway, hope my ramblings helped a little. You're in my prayers.

[Sherry - Author/Speaker]

First let me say I am so very, very sorry for your loss. It is a pain that goes so deep and hurts so bad that some days it may feel like some one has reached inside you and ripped your heart out. I am a grandmother who has lost two grandchildren so our family has felt your pain and knows your sorrow. My first loss was my 2nd born grandchild who was stillborn. My daughter's pregnancy was normal and there wasn't any reason for Conner (the baby) to be stillborn but something went horribly wrong at birth. It was such a shock for our family. We all were numb for weeks to follow. You dreams of that child die with them. You always wonder what that child would have done in life and what they would have looked like and what their personality would have been, and etc. I still to this day when I hear his name, Conner, look at that child "just because". But with our faith we slowly moved on but that doesn't mean we have forgotten him. He will always be a part of our family as Markay will be yours.

I pray you are able to get pregnant again one day and you will have a healthy and happy baby to love, cherish and play with. And do not feel guilty in doing so. You are not trying to replace Markay because you can never replace one child with another but you are just wanting another child. And your family will love that child too while always remembering Markay. By the way, I love that name. Your pain is very raw right now and I know from experience it hurts so bad that there are days you can hardly breathe. Don't push it. Take time for yourself. You must grieve and let the tears flow. I hope you have a friend that will let you just talk about Markay. That also helps. I know not many people are comfortable about letting one talk about their child that has died but if you can find just one friend, that really helps. I was blessed to have a friend like that. She would just sit and listen. She didn't know what to say but just her listening to me really helped.

My prayers are with you and your family.

[mommy2markay]

Right now I feel so lost. I look at other babies and even those with trisomy who are still living and think " Why can't that be my baby?" At times I feel angry and so powerless. I look forward to the day that I can see her again. Some days I think I am okay but at night I'm really not, I stay strong for my boys during the day. My fiance had said that I wake in the middle of the night complaining about noises in the house. I guess one night I told him I could feel the baby in my arms. For some reason I can't remember those dreams and it makes my heart so heavy.Last night I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and couldn't sleep, all I could think about was her and how lonely it is in my room without her.

[mommy2markay]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your little Markay. I have two deposits in heaven. My infant son,Noah,died 28yrs ago to SIDS. He was 7weeks old and my oldest son,Jon,died June 29,09. Though my children died from different causes, as a grieving mother, I can say that I'm here for you and praying for you.In my journey through grief, I've read many stories,such as yours,that bring back so vividly,Noah's death. He had just had his 6 week checkup and was healthy. I had to have an emergency C-Section with him. He weighed 9lbs.7oz.at birth. A week later,my husband got up to go to work and found him dead. I too was breast feeding and I remember the physical pain from being gorged and the horror of walking into the OB/GYN office and seeing all the pregnant women while I was there to get something to dry up my milk because my baby had died.I even remember thinking, the last time I saw the DR he was my OB and he was happily making wagers with the other DR about how much my baby would weigh.Now there I was sitting in the waiting room and he was now my GYN. I didn't plan it but I got pregnant with my son,Jason right away. Jason could have had the same birthday as Noah if I had wanted it because I was having a planned C-section. It was very difficult having a subsequent child right away.I had had a miscarriage before Noah, and all the time I was pregnant I thought,"if I can just carry this baby to term,everything will be ok". Then when I was pregnant with Jason, I thought the whole time "if this baby is a girl, It will be ok". I had so much fear that I would lose Jason too that I didn't bond with him properly. I learned why I wasn't close to him yrs later in counseling. Now we are close and even now, I wonder how much he would have looked like Jason. All of his milestones growing up were bittersweet because Noah never got them.

My oldest son, Jon, had Cerebral Palsy from complications at birth. He was in a wheelchair his whole life. He couldn't even feed himself. Jon had a good life. He made the best of it. He learned to type with a head stick and he touched many lives. Taught many people the meaning of patience. He died at the age of 37 from a choking accident. He went to lunch with someone from his group home and his heart was stopped for 9 minutes. They got him breathing again but he was brain-dead and we had to make the decision to let him go. I know they are in a better place and I will see them again. Each day is one day closer to that reunion. I'm sorry for the length of this but I guess deep down inside I was qualifying myself to let you know, we are in this group that no parent ever wants to be in but through reading and sharing and praying for each other, we will get through the pain. I spend a great deal of my evenings in another group that was recommended to me. Legacy,com Loss of a Child. I check back here to see if any new parents may need some support. Hugs of Hope. Kathy

As bad is my sound it's nice to know someone who has shared my grief. When I first notice she was different I honestly though it was linked to her being a girl and it broke my heart. When I go to the store I avoid the baby section and feel so empty walking by it. I am grateful for my boys, but I can't stop thinking of the bond they I will never have with my daughter. Right now the whole grieving process has put stress on my fiance and our relationship. We just grieve so differently. When we first returned home after the funeral ,he had asked my brother to put all Markay's baby stuff away, at first it didn't bother because I knew he wasn't ready to see all her stuff. When we got home I felt so bad, our room was so empty and no sign that she was ever there. I felt terrible and I had went to the closet and got her pictures out and her ultrasound pictures.I wasn't ready to put all her things away. I put her pictures on the fridge. I told him that I wanted people to now that she was here. He was glad that I put the pictures up I just think he thought he woud have a worse time. Sometimes I get angry, I guess displaced anger and it ends up being directed at him. Sometimes I just think that he doesn't know how I feel and maybe I don't with him.

[MartyT]

Dear One, I too am so very sorry to learn of the death of your precious baby daughter, and I hope you can feel the loving arms of all of us around you. I think it's important for you to know that you are not alone in your sorrow ~ there are many, many resources on the Internet that will bring you some measure of comfort, support and understanding. See, for example, some of the dozens of articles, books and Web sites listed on the Death of an Infant, Child or Grandchild page of my Grief Healing Web site. If you don't have the energy to locate some of these yourself, perhaps you could ask your fiance (or someone else who wants to help) to do some of this research for you.

At the very least, I hope both you and your fiance will read this article: Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family