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Bringing Home Rocky

Elaine M

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Hello Everyone,

Today was a special day, I brought home Rocky's ashes. Rocky, who I watched be born, squeezed him when he was little, showered him with kisses and hugs, let him wrap his paws around my neck at night and at 20 lbs took up most of the bed. I moved he, didn't. Watched me put my makeup on, get dressed and complained knocked my jewelry all over the place and played in my bath bubbles. I will miss him, miss him, miss him.

I have to share something that happened to me yesterday. I am almost afraid to talk about it. No I did not see my boy. Now, in the past I have grieved over a lost pet, who came back after a month only to leave at 17 and never come back. I grieved my siamese the day I moved. Unconsolable, grief for months. And recently my cat Zorro in 12/05 and my dog Nikki in 12/07 (December is a bad month for me). So I have been devasted since I found my Rocky on the side of the road. I have cried non-stop, couldn't work, can't go out and cant talk to people, I lay on the bed all day and cry so hard I cant breath and I think the pain is a heart attack. I also, have had numerous other pets that have died, I buried them in my yard, or they disapeared. I grieved, but not like this and the ones I am close to.

Yesterday, I cried, and cried and Cried and screamed and cried and PRAYED. Now I have prayed before, but I guess the Lord may have been busy. Infact I basically have been praying or some 57 years. I did not bargain, or complain I told Jesus that I was sorry, sorry not taking care of the beautiful Rocky he gave to me. I will try harder and not disapoint him. After all we are the caretakers of these beautiful creatures for only a short period of time. As I lay there with this terrible pain in my chest and neck and jaw and aching,and struggling to breath, Everything stopped a calmness enveloped me. I am not kidding, thought I may have had a heart attack and I am numb from the pain. But it stopped, the pain, the hurt,my crying I felt like I was given a sedative like a shot. I wasnt quite sure what happened so I lay there quietly, really scared for a bout 20 minutes like I was paralized every thing was still and peaceful, my tears dried up and I felt good all over and in my head I heard that I will be okay, I have children, and will have grandchildren, and who will care for the animals in the future. Rocky is in good hands, do not worry about him.

So, you know when you have been crying and try to stop for a while and it eventually comes back. Mine really didn't, everytime I started to cry a peace cames over me, a calmness. I dont know if my mom (passed) was near, or what happened,because when my mom died I cried for months, then one night pobably in my dream, my mom sat on the bottom of my bed and said to me dont cry she is alright. She said she loved me, and wanted me to get myself together, I willhave a wonderful life so dont keep crying and make myself sick. After that dream I never cried again, I felt at peace. I felt she was there with and for me, I was happy again. But this was like those stories you hear that people feel calm and reassured in a dangerous situation or tragedy. I truly am a little shakey from this experienceand dont want people to think I am crazy.

When I went to get Rocky, I could feel myself welling up and thought, I was just halucinating or something about being calm I am totally going nuts So I went into the Vets, shakely asked for Rocky's ashes and ran out, like really fast and jumped in my car. I sat in the car and started to weep and bsll so badly I was shaking again, hoping no one would see me, I was crying so bad I knew I would not make it home. Then a calm came over me and it stopped again, just like that.

I wiped my tears and drove home, The ach, the pain some how went away again.

I am mourning my Rocky but I am not in pain, you know the painI am talking about.

I cant put my finger on what actually happened, I am calmer, not crying, well maybe a little bit, but not like I was, and I feel peace. I made a mistake, I will never let my pets out again, even If I do live in the woods. There is danger everywhere and if you want to keelikep your pet for a long time and only lose it to illness or longevity then we have to keep a vigil on those little angels that we love and cherish.

Please, I hope everyone doesnt think I am nuts, I cant explain this, has anyone ever experienced something like this before.

Peace and love to all who are mourning a loved one,

Elaine M

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I loved reading your story about Rocky and the strong connection you had with him. I don't think you are crazy at all! I think it is wonderful how you found peace. I lost my cat, Dinty, on May 3, 2009. The grieving was almost unbearable. I still think of him and cry some days. I believe that some day we will be together again at the Rainbow Bridge. Stay strong - I know how hard it is to lose a little angel.


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Elaine, dear, I love your story and it has brought me to tears. Please don't worry about explaining it ~ there is no need to explain it. It happened to you. It is real. Accept it. Own it. No explanation is necessary. Thank you so much for sharing this with the rest of us :wub:

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Since my posting I have been able to keep it under control, I still cry, not quite as bad, I feel my mom is looking out for me. I dont seemto go into the painful crying jags all day as I did. I feel like I am taking some kind of sedative. I will never get over this. i have had pets die in the past from old age, maybe got lost, most died at home with me. and most were over the age of 10 some 17, but my Rocky was only 2 andthe guilt I feel is unbelievable. Why didnt I say no tothem going out, it was 5 30 and getting dark. I though they would stay close to home, I do not live on a road it is a distance why did he wander. If only, I had said NO. He would be laying next to me right now. I am so devasted that I am sick with grief, I am angry at my husband and have set up counseling. I dont know where I am now, or what I am doing, and in the middle of that I have to do TAXES. What the Heck.

I am sorry for your loss and hope this site helps you. It is helping me. I go on chat and it is actually quite helpful. I just think there are others who have lost, loved ones, children too young, parents , spouses, if they can get through it then we can.

Take care


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Elaine, I know that guilt well. On the Saturday before Mother's Day in 1998 my dog Coco wanted to chase the cat out of my rose garden. I was so tired of the cats using my garden as a litter box and I knew she wouldn't catch the cat so I let her. Usually, she'd just chase them to the end of her yard but for some reason she decided to chase it further. I caught up with her two houses down and she was on a neighbor's porch eating cat food. So, I looked to see if the neighbor was home so I could apologize and offer to pay for replacement food. She wasn't there, so I took my sweet girl home. That night she was throwing up and I thought it was because she doesn't normally eat cat food and it upset her stomach. By the next morning, she could hardly walk so I rushed her to the animal hospital. We had just barely arrived and brought back when the vet went to get something. I was holding her on the exam table when she went into a seizure. I yelled for help and the vet came back and sedated her. They ran blood work on her and long story short, she had antifreeze poisoning. They did all they could to save her but it was too late. Had I known immediately that's what she'd been eating and gotten her immediately to a vet then they might have been able to save her life but I didn't think that about my neighbor. May 11, she was struggling to breathe and her organs were failing her, so I let the vet euthanize her to end her suffering. Though I know it wasn't me who poisoned her, I still blame myself for letting her chase that cat. She was only 4. She'd probably be gone by now but all those years I didn't have her with me still haunt me. I reported the incident to the police and they investigated but could never prove anything. 3 other animals on my block died within a two day period of time. The lady denied it but even the police suspected it to be true. They just couldn't find evidence that it was her. I struggled for a very long time with wishing hell to reign down on her. I was so angry. It took a very long time to push through those emotions. With Chela and Casper, I feel guilty - like I didn't do enough to save them -- though there really wasn't anything I could have done. I still feel I failed them. I have a lot of deep seeded grief and a lot of anger - at what I don't know. Just the fact that my girls aren't with me anymore and I'm alone. It's so heartbreaking to say goodbye to them. I guess it's because we love them so hard, we're going to grieve hard. Unfortuneately, there's no getting around it. We have to go through it and process all these horrible feelings. I know time will help us adjust to life without them and we'll be able to think of them with more joy than pain but for now, it hurts like hell. There's a quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay that I really like. "Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime and falling in at night. I miss you like hell." I don't know about you but I need some of this hell to lighten up. I'm so not right with the world as it is. It just all feels so wrong and alien to me and i don't like it at all. I know I will get through it but I will not be the same person. It changes you. I'm hoping though that someday I'll be able to let the pain go and enjoy and laugh at the wonderful time we did have together. Instead of being haunted by their last moments-which were just a tiny blip in the whole picture, I'll be able to dwell more on their lives and how blessed I was to have them in my life for awhile. Elizabeth

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