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I Miss My Mom

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On 11 Nov, I got a call from my sister that she had found my mom in bed, unresponsive, and had called the squad to take her to the ER. The doctors said her kidneys were shutting down and she had only a few days left. We could extend her time if we chose to send her to another hospital and put her on dialysis - but that was not an option. My mom had always made it clear that she didn't want machines keeping her alive and that there was always to be a DNR in place should something happen. I live in England; home is in the States. I booked the next flight out of London and made it to the hospital 30 hrs after I got the phone call. I always knew I would have to face this day, but never has a journey home been so difficult - I am still not sure how I did it. When I got there, my mother was alert and eating and showing some signs of recovery. She told me that after she came to in the emergency room, the pain was so bad that she just didn't want to go on. But she had to - because I wasn't there. I believe her initial signs of recovery were a result of her will to make it until both her girls were with her. I stayed with her night and day until she passed away at 5am on the 19th of November, with her best friend, my sister, and I all at her bedside.

She was only 67 and she had fought more battles than anyone should ever have to. Over the last 15-20 years, she had 2 heart surgeries, numerous strokes and heart attacks, and a laundry list of other ailments. She was on a first name basis with the staff at the local ER. She did two rounds with Hospice (yes 2, her incredible strength pulled her through round 1 about 10 years ago). No matter what hit her, she always came through, even when the odds were against her. She always remained positive and touched all those she knew. She was generous, optimistic, and always put others first. It is not often that someone's doctor will come to the funeral of a patient; hers did, and he told me that she was not only his favourite patient, but was also the favourite of his entire staff. Her visiting nurse would always make sure that she scheduled my mom as her last patient of the day, as she always wanted to spend extra time just chatting and visiting. My mom's home health aide was not allowed personal visits with her clients and was not permitted to visit them in the hospital - she did anyway. Friends and relatives have told me that my mom was, and always will be, their hero. She is my hero too. I can't even begin to describe how the deep the hurt is and how much I miss her.

There have been several things that have happened after her death that have really caught my attention. Most notably, I recently had a dream that I feel was much more than that. It was a normal dream full of things that seem to make no sense. However, my mom showed up and interrupted it. She was wearing a pink sweater and looked very healthy, and the oxygen tube she wore for many years wasn't there. She also looked younger than she was when she passed away. I couldn't see all of her - it was more like a bust. Everything and everyone else in the dream seemed to disappear. I could see nothing but the image of my mother; it was kind of like the two of us were in another dimension. I knew she wasn't alive, but I also knew she was right in front of me and I could see her and hear her. I'm not sure of the exact words my mom said, but it was something like, "I'm not really here". Her voice seemed to be coming from right next to me; it was not coming from her "image". I pointed to her image and said, "Yes you are, I see you - you're right there". Again, not sure of her exact reply, but it was to the effect of, "Yes, and you'll see me again, but I won't really be there". At that point, she was gone. The dream continued, and no one else realised anything had happened.

And then I immediately awoke in bed - it was 4am and I was wide awake. Usually, if I wake in the middle of the night because of a dream, I feel anxious or scared. But not this time - I was calm and could only think about how nice it was to see my mom looking healthy and happy, and how good it made me feel to see that she was okay.

The words don't really do justice to the "conversation" between us - although I could "hear" her, it was more like I was hearing "feelings" rather than real words; the message was more a feeling of "you see me now and you'll see me again", but not in the physical sense ("I'm not really here"). Rather hard to describe. Again, all I could think of was how nice it was see her, and to see her healthy and happy. I really do feel like she was there - and I really hope I see her again!

Sorry for rambling on - I don't talk much, but when I do......

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You are so very very lucky to have had that dream. I have prayed for a dream like yours. Your mom is in Heaven and wanted to share that with you. I am so happy for you. I continue to pray to talk to my mom "real time" but in a dream that i can remember. God bless you and thanks for giving my hope again.

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You're blessed that you're able to get there in time. I know of a friend up in canada who was one of many (I'm sure) that didn't make it in time.

There are so many sayings that as children we have tried to ignore :closedeyes: but,it is so true about not going to be bed angry.

So many things I wished I had told my mother and so many things I wished I hadn't! But I tell her now, ever since her funeral. Not just at the cemetary,but on this sacred ground of our home,in her room where she passed.

I use to do volunteer work at a cemetary I told people who couldn't visit the cemetary as often as they would like(for one reason or another)that all they need is to find a quiet place in their home or in their yard to mentally or out loud speak to their loved one. Even if building a small memorial there at home helps!

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