The Pain Is Too Much

[Maggie's mom]

Last night, my baby, my only child, Maggie, was put to sleep at 1 AM.

I got home yesterday, and my kitty was happy to see me as she usually is, purring up a storm. A little while later I noticed her body heaving as she was breathing, very labored breathing. I thought it might pass, but kept an eye on her. I got more concerned around 9pm, called the emergency vet place. They said I should definitely bring her in. I'm still not thinking anything is wrong, and as we're driving to the vet, I was reassuring Maggie that she's going to be fine. Just a little medication and the doc will fix her, and we'll come right home. She was very alert and inquisitive on the drive there, standing on my lap looking out the window.

Maggie was 15, she had a decline in activity and health over the last year. She had gotten frail from arthritis and had lost weight, down to 4-1/2 lbs. It didn't make sense to me because she had such a healthy appetite and she had normal urine/bowel movements. I just figured her arthritis had made her lose muscle tone, because she had a hard time getting around. She had a hard time cleaning herself too, and would make grunts when she was licking herself. I just figured she was a little congested.

It took a while for the vet to get to me. They put her in an oxygen tank to help her breathe better. She said they would need to do chest xray. Her heart beat was very faint, and she figured they would probably need to tap fluid from around her heart. Again, I'm still not thinking the worst, I'm thinking "they can fix her". I'm physically and emotionally exausted at this point. It had been a long week. I just started going to an extremely demanding nursing school. I wanted them to do what they had to do, figured it would take a few hours. I asked if I could go home and sleep for a bit then come back first thing to pick her up. They would have to charge me about $400 extra to board her, so I decided to stay.

When the xray came in, vet showed me all the fluid buildup in heart, abdomen, some in lungs. I asked if that was bad, she looked at me very seriously and just nodded. She wouldn't let me take her home. It was either try doing the heart tap or put her to sleep. I could tell that the vet didn't hold out much hope for the tap. And I know how frail my little girl was so I wasn't sure I wanted to put her through that. So all by myself, at 12:30 am last night I had to make the decision to put her to sleep. I was overcome, beside myself, I couldn't catch my breath I was sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't believe that what I thought would be a simple visit would turn out to be the end of my precious fuzzy baby's life.

I loved that little girl with all my heart, I got her when she was 5 weeks old. We've been through so much together. I live alone. She was the one thing I had to look forward to when I came home. I would be so excited to see her, she would be excited to see me. I talked to her constantly. I told her how much I loved her, CONSTANTLY. The pain is unfathomable. I feel like I failed Maggie. I promised her I would take her home with me last night. I should have brought her in much sooner. I just don't know how to go on without her, she was my heart (I told her that all the time, she had to stay well for me, I needed her). I needed her more than she needed me.

I'm not a big believer in an afterlife, but I want soooo badly to know that I'll see her again.

[MartyT]

Christa, dear, the love you have for your precious Maggie is tangible, and I know today it feels as if your heart is breaking into little pieces. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I can see by the posts you've left elsewhere in this forum that you're taking the time to read the stories of some of our other members. Good. I hope that helps you to know that you are not alone, either in your grief or in the love you feel for your darling fur baby. We are all kindred spirits here, and I hope you know that you are warmly welcomed, even though we're very sorry for the reasons that brought you to us.

[Maggie's mom]

Thank you Marty, for taking the time to read my post. You have a good heart and amazing insight into the grieving process. I've read some of the articles on grieving that you posted, and they've been very helpful.

I know in my heart that time heals all wounds (I've lived through heartache before, though nothing like this), but when we're in the midst of it, the outlook seems bleak. It's been helpful to read other posts, if nothing else, to remind myself that I'm not going crazy.

[Elaine M]

Christa, I have been reading posts for the last 2 weeks, I am sorry about your Maggie, you must have had a wonderful life with her. I know you did the best you could. Sometimes out choices, need to be made for the moment, not for us or the future. You see, Christa, I am Rocky's mom. I did an inexcusable thing, I let him and his brother Socks out on the 15th of Jan. Socks came home around 9pm. Rocky didnt. I hate myself and cry everyday for my stupid stupid mistake. I lost a sweet boy, I am griefstricken, and cannot forgive myself. I picked him up the next day on the road like an old unwanted stray. How could I have done that. He was so beautiful and so sweet. I loved him so much. I am a horrible person, I cannot forgive myself. I hate myself. I caused his death.

You took care of your pet and had a wonderful life. Your grief my ease knowing he was loved. You kept him out of harms way. I DIDN'T.

You should try to say to yourself that you were a loving parent to your Maggie. THat is why she lived so long. I will never have Rocky back with me again and he was only 2, I cheated him and I cheated myself. Instead of wonderful thoughts about our life together, I drive by the spot where he was killed. Everyday is a reminder of what a terrible person I am. EVERYDAY!

Elaine

[Maggie's mom]

Oh Elaine, I feel your pain. I can't imagine what you've gone through, beating yourself up. But Rocky had the good life, an outdoor cat's life. He got to roam. I know that cat owners want to keep them safe by keeping them inside and I respect their decision. I always feel torn when I see kitty's penned up in small apartments, sitting in the window looking out on the world. That was my cat for the first 10 years of her life, on the fourth floor of a condo complex. But when I moved to a place where I could let her out, I did. I know it was risky, and god knows she took risks. I saw her darting out in the street of my complex a few times in pursuit of another cat. My heart would jump and I'd go running after her. I just thank the lord that there was no passing traffic at that time. But that's what cats do. I felt happy that she was able to feel the grass beneath her paws for the first time in her life. I'm sure Rocky appreciated that you gave him that privelege and wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

[Elaine M]

Thanks Christa,

I am depressed today, because it has been 2 weeks, and it is snowing, Rocky and Socks loved the snow, we live on 4 acres and its all wooded, Iwas sure The cats stayed around the house. Bob who lived in woods for 10 years before I rescued him, never got hurt. he is 14 now and old and sickly because he lived outside most of his life. I think is am sick because on 12/22/07 my faithful dog Nikki died in my arms. She was my "soulmate" she did everything with me and my kids and was there as they grew up When she died I was heartbroken, I had Zoey she was 2 and of course Bob. Then in March of 08 I found a female calico I named her Sophie, on the 27th of March she had 5 kittens. I didnt want them I didnt want to get attached. i found homes for 3, took one back, Socks and knew I was keeping Rocky, Socks, and Monkey Face and the Mom, Sophie and of course Zoey and Bob As time went by so many cats in the house and we were in the woods my husband said let them out we have all this woods and trees thell stay around the house so I did and they did. They were only out a little each day in the am and sometime afternoon playing in the sun catching butterflies and of course lizards and bugs and an occasional bird. They loved it and ran like lightning to the door flying out when it was opened. Now zoey and Bob never went out. The cats layed on the porch on round beds,in the afternoon sun and climbed trees in my back. The three siblings hung around togheher while mom kept them in check.They were always in at night sleeping with me, or in their beds. But b ecause it has been cold they havnt been out as much and on that fateful nite the two boys charged the door and 5:30 we were leaving and I thought oh we will be gone a couple of hrs and they'll b e okay. But, I was wrong. I am angry because I didnt have him long and others have theirs for 15 years.

And you are right, they do love the outdoors, I have to keep telling myself that it was not me but an accident. God wanted him, and that was it.

Some people do things they love and unfortunately lose their lives doing something they love, We cant control everything. But u see I became so attached to Him, Rocky, he was so loving and I would come home and pick him up and tell him how much I loved him and how happy I was because of him. He made me forget the hurt from my Dog Nikki. He made me love again and want them. Now he is gone and I am sad once more.

All theose memories of Nikki are back Socks looks a little like him, but he is not the same. Sophie is small and different, Zoey offstandish, Bob Sickly and layig on the sofa all day, and Monkey Face, doesnt like to be picked up. Sometimes i wish it was bob, he is old, and his time is near. rocky was too young. I will be sad with bob, but i will know I did everything for him and was good to him. He is even tame now.

I have to remind my self that even Oprah with all her money couldnt save her Gracie when at 2 her golden retriever swallowed a small ball left by her cockerspaniel Sophie. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. and absolutely no money on earth could change that.

Thanks for listening I know I am not the only one grieving, I have to reevaluate my life now, what is priority and what isnt. The cats are indoor cats now, a little late but thats the way it is. I will not pick another up on the road.

Your friend Elaine

[Maggie's mom]

Elaine, no problem. I'm just glad we have this forum so we can vent our grief, our frustration, our guilt. And we know we're all in the same boat, we all have similar experiences and I really want to know other people's stories. It helps me to sort out mine. Nothing makes sense right now. I just feel so lost, like you, and hoping that I can find another pet someday to love again like I loved Maggie. You're very blessed to have other pets, even though you didn't bond with them in quite the same way as you did Rocky. You're very lucky you have a husband. I come home to my empty home every day, no Maggie, no one but me. I'm just grateful that my friends have been supportive and listen to me. It's only been one day, so I hope they don't get sick of me.

In my thoughts, Christa

[Elaine M]

Christa

You are right we are all in the same boat. Losing something so dear to us that it sends us in a tailspin. I have always had pets except for a three year period 1989-1992 that was when my Nicky,(17 yr cat) ran out of my home, I had a 3 month old daughter and I never saw him again. i looked and looked for him, everywhere, I believe he left to die. I had my daughter and husband, but grieving has to be delayed to take care of them.Even though I have a husband, he is never here. My daughter is now 21 and a Jr. away at college she may come home once a month and My son 18 1/2, plays basketball and has a girlfriend, he graduates this May and will be going to Seton Hill University in Pa. I am here all the time alone. I work two jobs and when I am home I am lonely. I have lived for my family that the only friends I have are my pets.

I know your sorrow is so soon. It must have been hard to do that all by yourself and such a shock. I have bought the book, I think it is called cold noses at the pearly gates. I read it every night.

Also, there is a pet loss chat room. it is not the angel chat but the Petloss.com room It is on the front where you click on the forums. I found it last week and it has helped me. You log in with your name you use here and everyone has a story. They are on every night. On Monday night there is a candle ceremony that is beautiful, this past monday was my first ceremony and believe me everynight you can talk your heart out and everyone has a similar story. Try it.

Elaine

[Maggie's mom]

I saw that candlelight ceremony for Monday night. I put Maggie on the Rainbow bridge list. I want to participate, just have to stay up til 10pm.

I literally have heart pains right now. I got a little more sleep last night than the night before. I didn't eat one thing yesterday. Today, so far, I've had a banana and 1/2 grapefruit. I'm still wearing the same clothes I was wearing when I had to put Maggie to sleep on Friday night. I just threw away her food bowls, I couldn't bear to look at them sitting on the countertop anymore. Still haven't touched her litterbox, don't know when I will. When I was home, I literally put all my energy and attention to her. I just have no where to put my attention right now. Except for studying, which I'm fast falling behind in because I can't focus.

I haven't been out in public since this happened. Does it feel better to be around other people or do you just worry you'll break down in tears in public?

[Elaine M]

I hear you plain and clear. I had to work the day i found Rocky, I stayed there 1/2 hr and had to leave. I work as a realestate agent and part-time sales in ladies clothing store. I cried all day Sat, Sun, Missed my sons basketball games, havent worn my contacts since it happened. My face has been so swollen at times I look like a monster. My heart bleeds inside , my nose is constantly bleeding, like blood is everywhere, when people arre talking to me, I am like in space, seeing my Rocky laying there on the side of the road. Can't anyone see what I see. My husband is tired of this today. I told him we are going to a counselor on Thurs. he can come or not. My dad died in Oct, the 4th to be exact, I handled the funeral, did what I had to do and said goodbye to him. I didnt have a bond, he didnt hear my sad stories or comfort me when i was sick or sad. He was never there.

So, each day I pray that I feel better but I dont. Each day I look up accidents on the internet, and for a minute I dont feel so bad, then it washes over meagain. I dont want to be around anyone, I dont want to be with my husband, kids or co-workers. I havent gone into my realesate office since a couple of days before and my husband said today I needed to get with it, it s about time I went to work again. I have a huge lump in my throat,and a hole in my heart. I cant eat I have lost 10 lbs in 2 weeks, I eat to survive, I have thrown up and cant swallow my food so I spit it out. It stays in my throat.

I take wine to sleep, or else I wake up like my heart is jumping out of my throat. I lay there for hours, tired the next day.

I cant function either. I can feel what you are going through.

Please, though, get your pets bowls dont throw them away, if you can get them back. Put them away. Put them in a box. One day you will put her things in there and remember them with very fond memories of the baby you called Maggie. I keep all my pets bowls and chains etc. I put them away and when I feel better I will get them together. As of yet I cant look at picktures of Rocky, but I know i will one day. The day when I can look and not breakdown in a mess of tears. God Bless you and comfort you and all those in pain today.

See you in chat, Elaine

[Maggie's mom]

I'm feeling really isolated.

I just went out for the first time since I lost her, so it was my first time coming home to a quiet house, without her greeting me at the door meowing. It killed me.

I'm starting to think there really aren't too many people out there like me, because if there were there'd be way more posts. In this whole big country, where there are beloved pets passing away every day, I can't believe there isn't more reaching out for comfort on these sites. Maybe I loved her too much

[Ann H.]

Hi Maggie's Mom,

I have a senior kitty, and her name is also Maggie. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a 16 year old heart kitty over a year ago, so I understand the loss. It takes time, and it is devastating. I had counseling thru a pet loss help line. Have you posted on the PetLoss board? there are many more posters there that will answer. This board is great, too, but I notice PeLoss is more active, forgive me Marty. Try posting there and check this board, too.

[Maggie's mom]

I love the name Maggie! I would love to name my next cat Maggie as well, but I don't think that would be fair to my girl, and I think it would be too painful and confusing to me.

I have been on the other board as well. There are a few more posts, but still not what I would expect from such an animal-loving society. Perhaps people have different ways of dealing with their grief. I was going to try the pet loss phone line. I'm doing something a little out of the norm and trying a phone consultation with a pet talker who can talk to living and passed over pets. I'm a little bit skeptical, but figure I have nothing to lose. I just want to know, if there's any way possible, to connect with her one more time. And I'm still suffering some guilt over the fact that I should have let the vet try the chest tap. Even if she only would have stuck around another few weeks or months, it would have been such a gift to have her here.

[MartyT]

Christa, dear ~ If you're considering contacting an animal communicator, you might want to read the posts in this thread: Pet Communicator

In addition, you'll find listings of reputable animal communicators on this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Animal Communicators

[Ann H.]

Yes, Christa. definitely if you are thinking about an Animal communicator, do check out Marty's page above. I did contact an Animal Communicator, and it was one I got from Marty's page. There was a thread some time ago from someone who contacted an Animal Communicator. The Pet Loss support hotline I contacted had to close due to budget constraints in California. It was the University of California, Davis School of Veterinary Medicine. It was so helpful. It was veterinary students answering the phone. I called a few times, and just to hear a live voice understanding my loss meant so much. It helped me immensely. There are many other hotlines available. We all have regrets when our pet dies wondering what we could have done better, so you are not alone. I felt guilty because I thought I should have recognized the signs of illness in my cat, but they are masters at hiding any illness.

I love the name Maggie, too. I named her after a very good friend. I understand what you mean; I wanted to name my next cat after the cat I lost over a year ago but wasn't sure either.

Edited February 4, 2010 by MartyT
Link inserted

[Elizabeth149]

Christa - I'm so saddened by your loss. It reminds me of my situation. It's always been just me and my dogs. I had to put both down last year. Chela was 17 and her body was just giving out on her. She started vomiting blood. I knew that I couldn't put her through the hell of tests, I promised her when her health started to decline I wouldn't put her through anything traumatic. So, in March when she was throwing up blood, I knew it was time for me to help her go. I was so devastated. She'd been with me almost my entire adult life. I'd had her since she was a little puppy. I still had Casper though. Casper got rather depressed so I tried to give her even more attention than the norm. I doted on both her and Chela so I gave her the time I would have given Chela but kept our routines as much the same as possible. In Nov. I found a lump on her neck. It was right before Thanksgiving. I thought it was just a welt but the vet wanted to remove it. It turned out to be cancer. Dec. 14th she had a second surgery to remove another small lump and to do a biopsy of a lymph node to see if it had spread. She never recovered from that surgery. She struggled to eat and then just stopped eating. Then she started having severe pain in her back legs. She'd just cry out in pain every time she'd try to get up and move. My regular vet was out of town and the fill in basically told me she was suffering and I was only delaying the inevitable. Her pain was too much - her cries and the look she'd give me to help her. So, on Dec. 23, I let that vet put her to sleep. She was 13. I didn't realize how much I had been leaning on her for emotional support until she wasn't there anymore. I told both my girls every day several times a day their entire lives how much I love them and needed them. That first time I went home and saw no happy face in the window to greet me, it broke me inside. Something just gave out and I sat in my car and just wailed with grief. I finally made it inside and wailed some more. I just lay on the floor unable to move. When Chela died, my body went into complete weirdness. I couldn't eat, sleep, or really function. The days felt endless. I started having horrible panic attacks and when I went to the doctor for help,he gave me anti anxiety medication. I still need it to sleep. Between Chela's passing and August, I lost 50 lbs. Food made me want to vomit most of the time and so I was forcing myself to eat -- half I'd keep down, much I threw up. When Casper died, something inside just feels completely broken. For a month I went home every night after work to a completely empty home and every night it broke my heart all over again. Friends were telling me I should get another puppy to have something to give my love and attention to but I didn't want a puppy. I wanted my dogs back. Two of the people on a grief chat I go to suggested maybe I foster a dog. It would help the dog to have a place to live for awhile and I'd have something to keep me company. No long term commitment. I said no. Then, on the news, I heard the Humane Society needed fosters for some of their dogs. Long story short, I'm now fostering a dog and her 7 puppies. I picked all 8 of them up the day the puppies were born. They haven't removed my grief, but they have helped with the emptiness of my home. I won't be keeping any of them but having them there to keep me company while I cry and work through this grief journey has helped. I contacted a free animal communicator on Dogster and what she told me did NOT help me in the least. Please be very careful. There are many out there who will take advantage of you when you're in such grief.

Elaine-you loved Rocky. You didn't cause his death. I know it's our nature to blame someone -- most easily ourselves -- but doing so only rips open your pain. You knew Rocky loved it outdoors, you honored that. Please hold on to the wonderful memories instead of the last moments. You didn't cause him to be killed. You loved him and hopefully you'll understand that try as we might, we can't protect them from life and trying to take away something they love (Rocky going outside), would be depriving them of so much enjoyment. Please forgive yourself for letting him go outside. You didn't kill your best friend. You are not to blame.

[Elaine M]

Elizabeth, Thank you for your story, I cant imagine losing 2 wonderful friends in one year. It was heartbreaking enough when you lost Chela but then Casper, I am so sorry, I know this must be difficult for you. I think fostering the puppies is a wonderful idea. It keeps you busy, you are helping our animal friends and that should at least make you feel a little better inside.

I havent been on lately, I am trying to deal with this it has been 3 weeks today. The pain is heartwenching. As you see no faces in the window, i dont see my Rocky on his favorite sofa, He is not there when I take a bath, not there waiting for me in bed. Just not there.

Elaine

[Elizabeth149]

Elaine,

The pain is almost unbearable at times. I know you miss Rocky so much your heart just aches - I know mine does. When I think about Casper my first thoughts are I miss her so much I hurt and then Chela comes into mind and I just hurt more. I miss them so much. Even though I had them for so many years I still feel cheated. When you love them, there is never enough time. Even when you realize every day with them is a gift and you love and appreciate that gift, it's still heart wrenching when they leave you. In many of the grief books I've read they all seem to equate it much like the death of a child. Our bonds can go that deep - even though logically we know we should out live them, it feels wrong that they go first - a parent doesn't expect to out live their child. Of course we also worry about what would happen to them if we did go first. Who would love them like we do? It's better for them that they go before us but those left behind are left without that unconditional love and pure acceptance. It's hard and painful to learn how to move forward without them physically in our arms and lives. But, we do find a way eventually. There is still life left for us to live -- otherwise we wouldn't still be here. Other animals are out there that need our love and we'll find them - or they'll find us when the time is right. I know I'll open my heart again to that love. It won't be the same -- there is no replacing a lost loved one -- but it'll be love none-the-less and our lives will be enriched by a new life. It hurts too much to think about the future without our furry babies in them - so we take it a day -- sometimes even just a moment -- at a time. We learn how to adjust to this new life of ours -- where our beloved animals live in our hearts instead of in our day-to-day existence. They deserve to be mourned and memorialized and then I believe they would want us to be happy again. I know with my girls, they would get so anxious when I was crying and upset. They'd come and lick the tears from my face, wag their tails, get a toy, bring me something to make me smile. It was like their whole purpose was to bring me joy and they were so good at it. They wouldn't want me to hold onto their last moments or days and cry non-stop. They'd want me to be happy. I'm sure your Rocky would want the same. It's not a betrayal to find happiness again, it's an honor to them that we do. It's almost impossible at times to think of being happy again -- at least it is for me -- but I look forward to that day when my memories bring more smiles than tears. We need to allow ourselves to heal and we can start that by not beating ourselves up for what we did or didn't do when they were here. Accept that they were our joys while they were here and are still alive and well in our hearts and in whatever place we all end up when we transition from this life into the next. I trust the creator of such wonderful, amazing creatures to do what's best for them in the next life, and I trust that eventually, I won't hurt so darn much.

[Elaine M]

Elizabeth

It was good hearing from you. Yes the pain is unbearable, and moreso each day. I wake up each day looking for him, thinking this is all a dream. But, it isn't. So I have tried to keep busy, I am painting my office and putting up all my furbabies pictures in black frames with white backgrounds. I am having a hard time with getting them printed. I loved them all so. I believe I bonded with Rocky because my dog passed in Dec 2007 and I swore i would take in no more animals. Then when Sophie, the mother showed up pregnant, I took her in. It was Rocky that I named first and told my husband I would give some away but not him. He has been by myside eversince. The others dont really come around like he did. My son gave me bubble bath, I loved bubble bath, for Valentinees Day, I cried. Reason, Rocky always followed me to the tub and sat there and played in the bubbles. I would blow them and put them on his face he was so adorable. He would swing his paws in the bubbles. I can no longer take a bubble bath, I returned the gifts today. I went to work today for a few hours and still cried. I drive at night and think what stupid person would leave their pets out in the cold, to get run over by a car. I dont see any other animals on the roads. Just mine!!!

I have lost other furbabies, my first furbaby < Nicky, was 17 and ran out of the door, I had my daughter she was 3 months, and coulnt run after him. He always hung around the house, but that night he didnt show up. That was Jan 10, 1989. Never saw him again. I also lost my Aunt Cassie, that night and had a company cruise for that weekend. And we were moving on the 30th about 50 miles away. I was a virtural basket case.

My Spooky, a siamese, whom I found in 1974, and was about 4 or 5 at that time, died the day I moved from mty apartment to my new townhome that was August 30, 1985.I could not unpack for weeks, The in October of 1985 my Sabrina died of Kidney disease. I had the vet put her to sleep.

I buried her in my yard. Then there was Zorro, 1992-2005 died of heart failure in my arms. Nikki my dog, 1992-2007 also died in my arms. All these pets i did my best i took care of them and watched over them. But as I write this, very theraputic I must say, I did let Nicky out, I did let Zorro out and NiKKi always went out back and did not wander. They all were protected by God, and if he wanted them he would have taken them, he certainly had the opportunity. I guess I took it for granted, that they were all protected. Mine would never be killed unexpectedly. So when Rocky was killed I cant get this feeling from enveloping me. I dont want to pray, I didnt go get ashes, I havent been to church, I am just existing. No wants or needs, no feeling. Just numb. I am reading Cold Noses at the Pearly Gates. The truth is I dont want Rocky in the next life I want him back now. I want to run my hand over his beautiful ebony fur, and look into his green eyes and kiss his paws. I miss him terribly. I dont care If I get sick from crying, in fact i am sick now. I can take no more pain. The only thing tht keeps me going is that i have my older children and the rest of my pets. What would happen to them.

Have you been on Petloss.com/chat room. Every night and day, there are many many people who have lost a loved pet. I am finding it very comforting to listen to others wer are all experiencing the same thing.

Dear Elizabeth hope to see you there. Elaine

[Elizabeth149]

Hi Elaine - I'm sorry it's taken me awhile to get back to you. I don't come here very often. Truth is, I try to avoid anything that reminds me of the emotional pain I'm in as often as I can. My heart is just broken and though I know bringing it all up and out in the open helps heal, it just overwhelms me too much.

I'm so sorry for all your losses - I've had animals all my life and losing them had their own horrible impact on my heart. The two recent Chela, and Casper - those losses have almost broken me. I'm physically and emotionally devastated. I feel like I've aged 20 years in the past one year and the stress is just wearing me out. So, I just try and take it one day at a time, just forcing myself to push forward even when I'd rather stay in bed. I'm having horrible panic/anxiety attacks so staying in bed isn't really an option unless I were to medicate myself. I already have to medicate myself in order to get sleep. My body just feels like it's in a constant state of shock and my back muscles are just all whacked out. I've now got pain and weakness down my left arm and into my shoulder and neck. I have an MRI scheduled for Wed. The dr. thinks it's a pinched nerve in my neck. I'm still trying to get the bulging discs in my lower back to heal -- I've been going to physical therapy for one reason or another for 10 months now. It's getting really tiresome. I'm not suicidal, but I sometimes pray to just not wake up until the pain is all over -- which won't happen. The emotional pain of loss is always there as is the physical pain from injury. I can't seem to win.

Staying busy is good - but it's hard for me to do because of my physical limitations. I am however fostering a mama dog and her 7 puppies for the Humane Society. I've had them 5 weeks now. They're getting to the point where I"m having a difficult time with them though. They're a lot of work and physically, it's difficult for me. BUT, they sure are adorable. The mama dog is just a big puppy herself -- which is dangerous. She's an 80+ lb. dog and has actually hurt me a few times by jumping up on me or trying to go after a dog while on a walk. Yesterday I was playing fetch with her in the yard and she came charging back and plowed right into me, knocking me over. I may be having to have the humane society make other arrangements for her as I can't risk another injury. The puppies are close to being weaned - I'm not sure how much longer after that I'm supposed to keep them. They're wearing me out that's for sure. They are adorable though.

I don't attend that chat room you mentioned. I did a few times after Chela died but found ALLN and started going there every Wed. night. I don't go too much anymore -- it seems to make my grief worse than better. The sadness when someone loses a pet is just too raw for me right now. I know I need to let the tears come - and I do let them come but going to the chats was like ripping open a wound again. I'll go back when I feel stronger and can support those who need support but for now, I have to just avoid things that rip my heart open.

I hope you're doing OK. I know what you mean about not caring - I don't care much either except the desire to get out of this physical pain drives me to push forward. I know my girls would want me to be happy. It would break their hearts to know they've caused me so much sadness. So, for them, I am trying to get through the hurt and emptiness.

Take care and I hope to hear from you soon.

Elizabeth

I dropped a tear in the ocean today, when you find it is when I'll stop missing you. ~Unknown~

[beautifulmistakes]

All I can say is, nobody can understand the grief of the loss of a beloved pet unless you are a animal lover. My 12 year old, deaf, epileptic, arthritic, obsessive compulsive Cocker Spaniel is my heart, without him, I could not have survived the loss of my my dear Granny and Mom. My Father does not get it at all, but my dog has been there for me more than my father EVER has. He has helped me through dealing with trying to be a good daughter and going to sit with my Dad knowing I want to slit my wrist by the time I leave him. He is EVERYTHING to me and he is probably not long for this world and I am so scared.

the guy I work with, says just go get another one, its part of life. WHAT THE HELL, you're right it is, but its like saying go get a new Mom to those of us who depend on them for the love and comfort we dont get anywhere else.

My point is, my heart hurts for you, I know that the ache is deep and people don't allow you to grieve them like they would a human loved one........its not fair, they are better than a lot of the humans I deal with day to day.

I created a business that helps grieve lost ones and my one for pets is really popular because we do love them so deeply, so you are not alone, see that in my business because people spend as much on a memorial fr their pet as they do human loved ones. That says a lot about how many people need their furry friends and ache when they are gone.

I just think that God messed up on the time frame for their lives, we shouldnt have to grieve them so soon 12-15 years usually, wish they were around as long as we were.

My heart is with each and every one of you because I understand I love my Baby....

[Elizabeth149]

It is true that many don't understand the loss and the impact it has on you. My friends kind of get it. They just don't get how deep it goes. I put on a fine face most of the time but there every day, the tears come - I find the time to be alone and just let them come. I miss my girls so much. I'm lucky that my doctor understands the loss. when Chela died and I went to see him because of the panic attacks he didn't once say I needed a psychiatrist or anything like that. He said I'm grieving like a mother grieves her child and it takes a long time to get through it. When I went in the other day because I'm having pain and weakness in my left arm (I thought I was having a heart attack), I told him that Casper too had died and he was so sympathetic and asked me how I'm able to stand it. He's known me for most of my adult life, so he knows how bonded I am to them. I'm lucky to have a medical professional understand. The panic attacks are horrible. I hate that I have to medicate myself to sleep but if I don't, I wake up every 20-30 minutes in a full blown panic attack - like I've just had the scare of my life. The day time incidents have tapered off - they only present themselves if something feels wrong (like my arm - it's most likely a pinched nerve - I go for an MRI today). Then, the unknown creeps in and rational thought flies out the window. Many don't understand that getting another one doesn't ease the grief. Yes, it does give a diversion but it doesn't speed up the grief. Grief is something you have to work slowly through, one baby step at a time. Of all the human emotions, it's the hardest to deal with -- I think anyway. When Chela died, I relied heavily on Casper. I was so afraid that she was going to leave me too -- before I had grieved Chela, I was afraid she'd leave and 9 short months later, she did. It's been so hard and horrible. My heart is so broken. I find so little joy in anything. I keep telling my closest friends, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this either. My health has been such a challenge since Chela died, I'm in pain 24/7 and it wears on me. Without my girls to help me through it, I'm really struggling to keep it together. Yesterday, I was looking for a pen and when I couldn't find one, I just started to cry. How lame is that? The frustration tolerance level is zero and I hate that. I feel so lost and vulnerable and that's not someplace I like to be. I haven't been in that vulnerable, frightened place since I was a little kid. So, all I can do is just take it one step at a time and just hope that nothing else comes along to knock the air out of me. Chela and Coco helped me through the death of my mom, Chela and Casper helped me through the death of my brother. Now I have no warm, loving, support system. My family is gone now and I'm feeling really lost and alone without them. My home was so empty without them there that I volunteered to foster a dog for the humane society. I now have a dog and her 7 puppies. I care about them but they aren't my dogs - they're just at my house until their forever families can be found. They're a lot of work and a definite distraction (and sometimes frustration) and it does help to have something to focus my attention on -- something that needs me to get out of bed. I enjoy watching the puppies play and they are really growing into snuggle puppies but I know they aren't meant for me to keep -- just to help me over a dark patch in my life. People don't understand how I'm not growing so attached I want to keep them all but I just tell them they're not mine to keep and raise. I don't feel that bond. My heart just isn't open for that yet. In the meantime, they're helping me through my grief, and I'm helping them survive. the mama ended up being very sick for about the first 10 days I had her and I had to literally force feed her for about 48 hours. One of the puppies was struggling to survive, she was sick and unable to get enough milk on her own, so i had to help her too. It was very stressful for me, but now they're all great. I wish I enjoyed them more but it's just not there. I want my dogs back in my house. I know that's not possible, but I'm still at that place where I want them back in my arms.

Anyway, thank you for understanding. It does help to share with those who get it. Who know the pain doesn't just magically disappear - that it takes months, and months and months for the pain not to be so intense and even then, it still hurts like hell.

Have you tried MSM for dogs with your dog? It may help with the arthritis a bit. So might glucosamine.