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Grief That Was Never Expressed


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I am new to this, and I'm sorry I read some of the things I read today, because it is overwhelming me. I am in a Grief Group right now in So. Cal. I am grieving the death of my husband 2 years ago and a beloved pet of a month ago. I don't remember grieving for my father or mother (I come from an extremely abusive family) and have been told I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome by a former MFCC. I had some of the therapy which involves eye movement back and forth (I'm not sure what it is called.) This was from l993 to l996. I am in 12 Step groups, am a fully committed Christian, and am going through a program at my church called Living Waters for those who are relationally and sexually broken (mine was from sexual abuse). I was married to my husband for 44 years, and we have 3 sons. I have had a great deal of recovery time in AA, OA and have just started Al-Anon.

I know this sounds like a complicated mess - because it does to me, too. To think about going back and grieving former losses seems very frightening to me. This is what I read on someone's post. Also, I get the feeling PTSD complicates grief or somehow you must deal with it first. As you can tell, I am confused - very! I copied a page from the loss of pet forum regarding PTSD. I know from Program I can only do one thing at a time and the next indicated thing. No one does it perfectly and there is no such thing as perfect. I got a very kind post from one of the counselors, I think it may have been Marty. Just writing this has calmed me down a little. I am going for the most recovery I can possible get. I don't want to be half-recovered. I believe so strongly in God and Christ that I know I will get good, orderly direction on this. I just have to be patient, and it will come. All I need to do is this day's recovery work, nothing more. I don't do this work by myself - the God I believe in does the majority of it. I am so glad to have this place to express thoughts.

The grief I am experiencing for my husband is enormous, but I believe I was in unexpressed grief for a long time. I loved weeping willow trees and mourning doves. For the longest time I loved the color black. And I walked around with a lump in my throat from unshed tears. I want to be happy, joyous, and free. That is a promise of l2 Step Programs. I am so tired of sadness. I know that sounds selfish, but this is a life-long thing.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I lost my father recently and people keep telling me to get "help",but I think what I'm real scared of is that I never delt with the murder of my best-friend when I was 17.I was a witness.I watched her get shot.I was maybe 3 feet away.I testified against the men who killed her.I am still dealing with PTS,and I never grieved for her.I was numb for the longest time,and when I feel it come up,it feels overwhelming.Do you think a therapist would make me address this?I dont want to.I dont know why.

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Loulou, dear ~ I know that you are struggling with this matter of getting "help," and I wish I could offer you the reassurance you are seeking. Even if s/he could do so, I know that within the safety of a therapeutic relationship, a reputable, competent therapist would never try to "make" you address anything you did not choose to address. Counselors and therapists take the lead from their clients; they are not in the business of forcing anyone to do anything they don't want to do.

As a preliminary step, would you consider doing some reading about traumatic loss, to help you better understand why you may be feeling and reacting the way you are, in the wake of your father's recent death and having witnessed the murder of your best friend when you were just a teen? You'll find some very helpful and informative articles, books and resources on the Traumatic Loss page of my Grief Healing Web site. See especially The Aftermath of Murder and Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death. I also invite you to read the article I've posted on my blog today, Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief??

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Thank you for the links,Marty.I dont know why I'm so reluctant to see someone about this.I know I should have long ago,but when your a teen,you think you are so tough.Only when you get older,these problems change into other problems.I have a good Dr. that has been there since I was a teen.I need sleep medication,and I take anti-depressants.I have seen a therapist for a short time,and frankly,I went running for cover after the first session that the murder was discussed.I have a VERY hard time talking about it to strangers.My friend was so sweet young,and innocent.Maybe my fathers death is bringing it to surface...I dont know.Is it normal to start thinking your gonna die soon?I keep getting these panic attacks where my brain starts telling me that I'm about to die,and I freak out cause I start to believe it.Just wondering.And I will see someone if I ever find a babysitter,or he finally goes off to pre-school.I know I need to deal with my issue's.

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Yes, it is absolutely normal to become more aware of your own mortality when you suffer a significant loss, such as the death of a parent ~ and certainly after you've witnessed someone being killed right in front of you! Such an experience hit you smack in the face with the harsh reality that death can happen to anyone at any time, and you really had no control over any of it. That's pretty scary stuff, and it is enough to set anyone's basic assumptions about safety and predictability in this world completely upside down. It is literally a life-changing experience. It's also completely normal that a recent death will reawaken memories of past experiences with death and dying. So much of what you're experiencing right now is normal under the circumstances, Loulou ~ and I cannot emphasize enough how helpful and validating it would be for you to hear that sort of reassurance directly from a therapist. Unresolved grief never goes away on its own ~ it just lies there, waiting for you to deal with it. And it is never too late to do the work required to come to terms with it ~ especially if you have a skilled counselor or therapist to help you do it safely and effectively. What saddens me for you is that it can take more energy and effort for you to keep the lid on all of this than it would if you were to face it head on.

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It is exhausting.I would like to talk to someone,just to move pass some of the issues.I used to try to talk about the murder to my fiance,but he gets uncomfortable talking about it,so I have kept quite for a few years.I don't think of it often,but I do have triggers.I'm on meds,but do need to work on getting off them,if I could.I can't sleep without them.

I get panic attacks.I'm scared of the dark,and I never used to be.My mom said the night after she died I stated sleeping with the TV on.I don't remeber after she died.Just the murder and the trials.I wish I had more $ to see a therapist.I do need to.

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Loulou

Just a thought... but perhaps simply writing down what you saw,heard and felt when your friend was killed might help you process it. They say talking about it helps and I think writing it down can be just as effective as talking to someone about it.

Of course there is no "replacement" for a therapist & their expertise... but I just thought if you couldn't afford one you might feel better just getting it out by writing it down... at least til you can afford one.

I find whenever I talk about some of the trauma I have experienced in my lifetime, I feel better about it.

I found most times when I didn't want to "deal with" certain things... I was just simply afraid. So I had to learn what I was afraid of. (I learned a memory can't hurt me. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it.)

Yet when I looked and examined what exactly I was afraid of... somehow... it just wasn't a realistic fear. I could no longer legitimize my fear. So that made it much easier to manage and eventually get rid of the fear and "process" the trauma and begin to grieve. I learned:

Courage isn't NOT being afraid.

Courage is being afraid of doing something and doing it anyway. :)

Fear itself was stopping me from even beginning the process but in reality... I had nothing to be afraid of. And once I saw that... I began to heal.

I wish the same for you.

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Thank you leeann,I always thought that I talked so much about it during the trials,but the older I get the more the problems manifest into other problems.I will right down the story.That is a very good idea.I do know that talking to a professional would help me.I have held it in for a long time now.I guess the fear comes from visualizing that night,but only when it's a stranger,isnt that weird?I guess when I talk to a stranger it seems I see it from the outside,and realize how traumatic it was for a teenage girl.The two times I have attempted to speak with a professional about it,I had melt-downs and went running for the hills.I dont know what I'm scared of,but your right...memories cant hurt me.They are scary but not dangerous.

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The "meltdowns" were healthy and needed to occur in my humble opinion. They were simply an expression of emotions. And really?? an expression of emotion.. when you think about it.... is really nothing, in and of itself, to be afraid of. It is simply emotions expressed. There is nothing to be afraid of now.. you are safe.

I have also learned the harder I try to hold my emotions and NOT express them.... the worse I feel.

I wish you all the best. Just be gentle with you...

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thank you Leeann and Marty,for taking the time to respond to me,and making so much sense to me.It's great to actually talk to people about it that dont freak out.I cant wait for the day I can actually get some professional help about that night.It's been a long time coming.

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