Still In Denial!

[Deb§]

I lost my Mother suddenly on December 14th 08 and it still feels like the day they pulled the plug on her I haven't cried for her even tho I want to the tears just won't come. She was not only my Mother but my best friend in the whole wide world.To be honest in my mind if I cry then I have to fully realize she is gone 4ever from my life.I am going crazy and don't know what to do, my therapist suggested joining a grief group so that brings me to you all...perhaps talking about it will help some I'm hoping....thank you all for listening.

Debs

[niamh]

hi Debs,

I am so sorry about your Mom ... I know there are no words. I lost my Dad suddenly on 17th Dec. Welcome to this site, you will find so many great people here, there is the tiniest little comfort knowing some feels something similar ...we all have our own grief but I've found some people here that are on the same timelines as me and we do feel similar things. Like you my Dad was by best friend, I really dont have the words for how close we were,therefore don't have words for the loss and pain.

I can relate to the wanting to cry and there being no tears....I have cried and I have cried rivers but it comes and goes. If you read some of my the other posts I've written you can see I talk about this numb feeling. Up to the weekend I kinda had it for over a week and the frustration was incredible, I could feel it building up inside me but couldn't shed one single tear because it was like the real emotion was not there. I just wanted them to come, I wanted to feel something, anything even the pain of it all....they do come when they are ready hun and I guess they leave again when it gets too much.

You are definitely not going crazy, that's for sure .....it's grief itself is crazy not us.

Do you find the therapy helps ? I haven't gone yet, guess I'm just not ready, maybe someday ....I'm not saying I won't ever but for now I just can't for some unknown reason.

Anyways, there's lots here who will listen, I can't say anything that can help, but I can listen/read and share how I feel and what I'm going through.

hugs to you , it's a horrible place we're at just losing our world in losing a parent,

niamh

PS ah just saw Dec 08, so you've had a long road already, sorry I missed that initially. Well, glad you found us now anyways.

[loulou]

I'm sorry for your loss,also.Niamh and I(hi Niamh) know how you feel.We lost our fathers and we are both having a very hard time of it.My dad was my bestfriend,too.I dont know if I can ever be the same again.If you dont mind i would like to ask you a few questions,since you have been on this road a little longer...Have your friendships survived your grief?How is your relationships with remaining family members?I have been struggling with other people left and right.It's so hard to watch the world keep going when your life is in pieces.Do you ever feel your mom around?I want to feel my dad.Or see a sign,but non so far.My cousin lost her mom a few years ago,and she says that she cant cry or feel anything.She thinks she buried it so deep,that the pain wont come out now.At least you found this site.You will find it helps,hopefully.I know that it helps me just to know that people feel the same pain I do.It helps me feel not so alone.There is so many kind people here.In the real world no one wants to talk about it,and I feel very alone.Thanks for sharing your story.

[MartyT]

Hi Debs, and welcome. I'm so sorry to learn of the death of your mother, and I too extend my deepest sympathy to you. Your post reminds me of another thread in this forum that I hope you will find informative and helpful. Although started by a young man whose father died, I think you'll find the responses relevant to your concerns about crying, and I hope you will follow the links included there (see especially those leading to articles about not being able to cry): My Dad Died Yesterday. I Don't Know What's Wrong with Me.

As for your being "still in denial," see this post in the thread, Can't Break Denial.

[Deb§]

niamh,

Thank you for the reply, even tho it was 08 like I said I am stuck on that day and it seems I can't move on. As for the therapy...me myself don't find it helps me any better all I do is talk about Mommy and still no tears. I think it will be on the person themselves if it works... I am just not accepting that she is gone. I still call her phone number everyday, I find myself talking to her but *sad* never a reply.

[Deb§]

loulou,

Thank you...Mommy wasn'y only my best friend but my life...I remember always telling her I would never survive without her but here I still am and the only reason I haven't taken my own life is because I whispered in her ear that I would be the strong person she always know I could be. Its hard...I have no friends as for the family the only ones I keep close to me our my children and sister, I have stopped talking to my brothers and every1 else in the family.One day we are grocery shopping the next day she is dead...where is the fairness in that? Where is the fairness of the disrespect my step-father showed to her by leaving her in a damn white box on a chruch stage, where is the fairness she was crenmated but there is no grave to visit he put her ashes in the water..where was my say in that???? Didn't he realize I needed that gravesite to accept her death, he was nothing but a stingy man thought only of himself and for that I have no forgiveness in my heart for him.My Mom is with me everyday I talk to her I go on as if she is still here in my mind she is just off on a holiday.....they say it gets better with time but I am just over 2 years and the heartache I feel is as strong as the day she died. I feel so hopeless...I have died inside. Her bday was just on the 16th

[niamh]

Deb,

I am so sorry for you, I do wish some tears would come for you, I don't find crying helps but it does take me out of the numbness and lets me feel something and there are times I'd rather feel the pain than nothing at all. I write to my Dad all the time and yeah I get so sad because it's all one way now, me to him and nothing back....at least nothing I can see, hear or even sense. I wish I could feel or sense him around me (loulou and I are just longing for this so much). I hear you on the acceptance thing, I find I know intellectually but to fully comprehend this emotionally ....it's a lot.Anytime I am at home and I hear something out front, a car in the house next door, a door closing, some little noise for less than a split second I think, Dad's home, then bang. Coz all those little noises I always associated with him walking in the front door and him walking in that door always always brought a smile to me.

I am so sorry that you are lost without somewhere to visit her, I can't imagine the additional heartache you have because of your step Dad. There is nothing I can do to ease this but I can say we will always be here listening, feel free to let out however you feel to us....maybe as you write something will trigger and tears may come and if not you can at least know we are here, we can share in the loneliness, the emptiness that you feel and we can all try to just walk this road together

hugs to you, I have tears writing this now (sitting at desk in work, yikes)

niamh....

xx

[Deb§]

I find myself when reading the replies crying my heart aching for you all too, I am so glad there is some1 out there who knows what I'm feeling and that I am not alone.I never got to say goodbye to her she was already comatosed by the time I reached the hospital, like I said shopping one day a phone call the next telling me she was in hospital and not expected to make it through the night well she did but her lungs were completely filled wiht fluid, when I got there her hands were already purple from lack of oxygen. If I could have heard her speak that last time perhaps this would have been a little easier to accept. Thank you all for being there for me hugs and much heartache

[SHeiss]

Debs,

I am so sorry about the death of your mother. This website has helped me deal with my dad being terminally ill and I am sure it will help you with the loss of your mother. My dad is still here and I am dealing with watching him slowly die. It is really horrible when there is nothing you can do to stop what will eventually happen. I don't cry in front of anyone, but when I am alone and in private I cry to hard that sometimes I feel that I May hyperventilate or pass out. This website has helped me so much because I feel like I am not alone anymore and that there are others who understand me. This site lets me vent about my dad and how I am feeling and it makes a world of difference rather than my normal bottle up and keep all of my feelings to myself. I truly hope that we can help ease your pain, if for even a few moments a day. Welcome to the website that has pretty much changed my life!!!

-Sharla