Dad Died 2 1/2 Weeks Ago

[ren]

My dad died the day before Easter and 2 weeks before my birthday. At first I thought I was doing well. But now I feel so incredibly sad and alone. I can seem to get out of this depression. I don't want to do anything. I wish I could just run away. I can't stand having to pretend that I'm ok at work. I'm not ok. I don't know how to be.

[2sweetgirls]

I am so sorry for the loss of your dad, ren. Wow!! The day before Easter AND two weeks before your birthday? I'm so sorry.

I lost my mom, on the 30th it will be 5 months exactly. It is still really hard - I won't try to sugar coat it. We all have our moments. We are here if you need to vent or talk. As far as how to be when you are at work- I don't know how you do it. I am a stay at home mom. If I am not "feeling well", I can just stay home. I still have to be a mom and do mom things but I can do it in the privacy of my own home. I hope that people at work can have some compassion for you.

No one can tell you "how to be". You can only deal with your grief the best way you can. Everyone's grief is different. As far as running away - I still feel that way. Either that or opening up the front door, running into the middle of the road and just screaming my head off.

At some degree, I think you will always be sad but, you are not alone. We are here to hear you and let you know that we feel similarly. I feel that letting it out in writing has made me feel much better. Also, sadly, knowing that I am NOT alone has helped too.

Please keep sharing. Even if it's just a small bit, it does help to get it out.

Sending lots of hugs your way.

2sweetgirls

[niamh]

hi ren,

first I am so sorry for you losing your Dad .... there are no words of comfort, sorry doesn't even begin to describe it. But welcome to here, there's quite a few of us Daddy's girls here lost and alone and trying to find our way through this thing called grief. It's all so new to you now but know that your feelings whatever they are, are "normal". I was not able to return to work until 4th march (was due back after Christmas hols on 4th january). I am now back to work but a shadow of the person I used to be. I go in and do my best (my company have been very accommodating and understanding thankfully so have taken some pressure of me). I don't have to work with the public (at least not for now) so I just keep my head down and do what I can....my mind wanders every single day so I'm not as productive as I used to be. I don't know what you do for work but I know I can't pretend I'm ok because I'm not. I tend to feel numb which kinda gets me through most days without bawling crying but I avoid lunch etc most days because I can't handle the "silly" conversations. I hardly talk at work these days coz I just cant force myself to chat away, smile because I'm not. But I'm sure everyone sees I always look sad because I always feel sad, lonely, lost, shocked and the list goes on.

I think you've come to the right place here, I never ever felt more alone than those first couple of months, I still feel it, I am still so lost and empty without my Dad but I've realised there are other people here who feel similar things to me and there is a tiny comfort knowing it's ok, it's "normal" what i feel because someone else who has lost their Dad feels similar to me. The feelings are not exactly the same coz each of our relationships with our Dad's is unique and so is our grief but can be so so similar when you start reading what others have written. So, I feel I have someone to go on this journey with me (yeah friends etc are great but they are not living this nightmare everyday right now like I am so they can only do so much).

The only piece of advice I took from anyone was "be kind to yourself now, this is all about YOU" and do not tell anyone you are "fine" or "grand" etc until the day comes where you do feel it.(so many cliches I had to bite my tongue with) It's the one thing I refuse to do is pretend I'm ok . My Mom's friend lost her husband 7 yrs ago and it took her 6 yrs before someone asked how she was and she could answer "ok". And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it will take however long it takes and it is different for everyone.

So please keep writing and talking to us here, as I said we can't make you ok but we can relate to you,

sending some hugs you're way coz there just are no words,

niamh

[ren]

Hi,

Thank you both for your replies. I tried posting something earlier but for some reason it disappeared.

I'm having such a hard time with everything. My dad had lung cancer and had an anuerysm burst in his lung. It happened during the night and he ran outside. Mom found him outside in the morning.I keep picturing it in my head. It seems so horrible.

But the other hard part is work.I work at a cancer center and they have been so unsupportive. my boss has not even said anything to me about my dad's death. and I still have not received my funeral leave. My first day back I went to HR to see what I needed to do. He said nothing. He'd take care of it. But he didn't. So I email payroll. Receive a forwarded email from HR coldly stating that he just forgot and that I needed to provide proof. So I did and I told them how diappointed I was in how this was handled. Then next pay check no funeral leave. Seems the woman who cuts the paychecks forgot.

All the time I was off no one called or emailed from work. It feels like such a horrible place to come to. Like no one here really cares about me. And on top of that I have to see other lung cancer patients every day. But no one asks if that's hard. How can they help me. I really wish I could walk out today and not come back.

[2sweetgirls]

Oh my gosh!!!!!!! I am so sorry that the people at work are sooooooo inconsiderate and have NO compassion. Especially so soon. My heart breaks for you. Someone had said in another post that society today just doesn't know how to deal with a person that is grieving. It is just common decency to at least say "I'm sorry". My heart goes out to you. I hope that you have a support system or, at least, someone who can support you outside of work. If you do or if you don't, you can ALWAYS write here and we will listen.

Please try to have some peace today and the days to come.

Hugs and love to you.

2 sweetgirls

[Daughter2010]

Ren,

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. Words are not enough to describe the depth of the feelings you are experiencing. All I can say is my heart goes out to you in this difficult time. I am a bit surprised that you have not been able to take funeral leave or get paid for it, seems to me like it is a big miss for upper management at that cancer center, especially your job being heavily involved in the medical field.

My father passed away 6 months ago to cancer and even though it was an expected death, it didn't make it easier on my grief. Those first couple of weeks were so strange to me. I went back to work a week after dad passed and I remember it feeling so numb, and feeling so much pain in my heart. This pain the kind I had never experienced before, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on my way home after work, crying like a 5-yr old who wanted her father back.

My whole world was shattered by that experience, it changed me forever, during those weeks I felt like I didn't know myself anymore, I found myself asking deep questions like the meaning of life, looking at my own mortality, and just trying to grasp an understanding of what just happened. Those were very difficult days for me, there were a couple of times I had to run to the bathroom to cry, because I didn't want people see my tears. Everytime I would feel a break down coming, I just thought of my father rooting for me and just remembering that is what he would have wanted me to do, to keep on going, to face my work responsibilities, to do what I had to do. My father was a very hard working man, he would get up early in the morning, 5 AM to exercise, then get ready for work at school, then after school he would go to meetings and events to gather funds for sporting events. He was a sports leader, he loved working with people, and then he would help mom run the family business. He was a busy man, but he also had time for his family. He enjoyed what he did, he found satisfaction in his daily activities, he had joy and happiness when spending time with his family, and, oh well the list could go on and on. I am telling you this to give you an idea of what motivated me to keep going, even if I had difficult moments, or sad faces or break downs at times. My dad worked hard his whole life, and my way to make him proud is to keep going and in the midst of all, I tried my best and little by little , day by day it has gotten a little easier.

Now at the 6th month mark I can tell you I still cry, although not as often, I am still trying to find the new "me", after Daddy's passing, the pain is not as intense, but I still miss my father sooo much, and I think I will always miss him, he is a part of my life, I was a part of his.

I am sharing this with you so you know you are not alone in what you feel, and I am glad you found this website to talk to others about what you feel, all the people in here have been of great help to me. In here I can write down my thoughts for the day, I can ask questions, or just read other people's posts. It helps me understand I am not alone and that this is a journey that becomes so much easier when you have people that can relate to you or understand the dimension of your loss.

Go easy on yourself, take it day by day. About the people at work who haven't even said sorry or expressed their condolences either they don't know about your loss or maybe they feel awkward about talking to you about your loss? who knows. I am not justifying them, I just want you to keep in mind they may not know what to say. Society does not really know or have a good grasp on to how to deal with us grieving people, so try not to take it personal.

Please know we are here to listen to you, to support you,whenever you want. You are not alone.

A big, big hug for you. Take care.

-L

[ms peg]

My dad died 1 week ago today. He was a very healthy 84 yr old who would walk all over town after he couldn't drive. That weekend he suffered a devastating stroke on Friday which left him in a coma until he died on Tuesday morning. I woke my Dad for dinner when I returned home Friday night and that was the last time I saw my Dad. He had the stroke as he woke up and we never really had my Dad again.

I didn't have any idea how deep the pain would be. Last week was easy - you have a purpose, a plan, directions and you just follow that receipe. Now I am just floating. Yesterday I went to work. I couldn't open the door to my department until someone found me in the hallway where I was trying to do deep breathing to calm me. I had to stop anyone who even tried to mention a condolence or ask me how I was doing. I manage a department of 11 people and I was in tears and almost sobbing when the IT dept told me they couldn't install a computer until that afternoon. I had to leave early. I tried again today and lasted all day but had to wave away anyone who even started to speak of it and would then have to compose myself again. I am trying again tomorrow and then I am taking 2 days off. This is exhausting me.

I hadn't realized it would be so hard. I had never expected it would be my father first. My mother has a form of dementia and my Dad always took care of her so I never thought that he would go before her. Now I am responsible for her care plus have the pain of losing him. The pain and the stress overwhelms me and it has only been a few days - I can't imagine what it will be like in a few months.

My daughter said this pain will have to become more bearable otherwise we would see more people walking around crying. I feel so sad, almost feel like I'm dreaming or that he's away visiting a friend. It's so confusing, unsetteling, unbearable, scary, lonely, and I don't even know how I really feel - numb - that's it I guess I mostly feel numb. Thats how I keep from crying all my waking hours. The numbness takes over most of the time only every now and then it slips and reality pops up. I don't know how anyone gets past this..... or even past this first month? How do you have a life again? How do you have a celebration again, a holiday, a birthday, a wedding? Who do you call? I just don't know what I will do ....

[niamh]

Ren,

I am so so sorry that work are being so insensitive to you, that is such bad form especially from your boss and HR. I'm sure your colleagues do care and maybe they just don't know what to say, maybe they don't want to "remind" you by coming to you and saying something ....YEAH sounds whacky, it's not like you need reminding. When I was off work when this first happened I got a few texts from some of the girls, that was it. When I finally came back to work nobody came over to me, nobody said anything, no emails nothing. However we recently had a night out and a few of the guys came over to me after a few drinks apologising that they hadn't come to me .....the thing was they didn't know what to say and they didn't want to sound like a cliche so they just stayed away.....and I understand it, it makes people awkward, they don't want to say the wrong thing, they don't want to "upset" you. Ive no doubt your colleague care for you they just have no clue what to say or do. HR should know better, these are one of the times they are supposed to truly support you as their employee and go out of their way to be there for you.....I'm so sorry hun

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

well you will have lots of support here with us so I hope you know that

niamh

[loulou]

Ren,I'm so sorry to welcome you to this site.I lost my dad in Jan.I miss him so very much,and when I think back to two weeks after,gosh,my heart aches for you.It's unbelievably hard and painful.I'm gonna say,prepare to be let down by alot of people in general.I went to work a week after,and it was way to soon.I cried through two weeks.Hang in there,it dosnt get easy,but slightly easier.We understand you.

[loulou]

ms.peg,Im sorry for your loss too.It's seems like people lose their parents left and right.I never realized.Your daughter said something that I thought of myself...wow,I wonder how many people walking around is in deep grieving?My father passed of a heart-attack in Jan.and it was/is crushing.As you said,I never thought it would be him to leave me first.He was my rock,he was my bff,and he was my smile.I have lost it all.He was so strong and healthy.His body was the same as when he was 19 years old.In fact he died working.He was so young.I'm stuck in this state of suspended reality.The days I dont cry all day I walk around with this scary,numb feeling.I just hit 4 months.I wont say it gets easier,i think the pain becomes a part of you,and you kinda learn to go on with it.I get so angry at people that dont understand.(to me thats everyone).And when Ren said that why dosn't the family seem more upset,I feel that also.I just came to the hard conclusion that I loved him the most...more then anyone else.I wish I could have told him that..Good luck to you both.The first month is very very hard.Big, loving hugs to both of you.

[niamh]

hi ms.peg, I too am so sorry for your loss. In one way I did always figure the pain would be unbearable, this was my worst nightmare and after a couple of scares over the last 15 yrs with my Dad, I dreaded this day. But thought he would live to be at least 90 (he was only 65), he lived life to the fullest. I too understand the difficulty with work, I could not come back for 2 months, tried twice and just ran out of the place. Now as we all seem to discover, it's the numbness that allows us to function but it doesn't really help. I just find it stops the tears and the horrendous pain in my heart where I feel like I will burst with the pain. But I always have a heavy heart, I don't smile, laugh, enagage with people anymore, I feel surrounded by sadness all the time now. I don't know how to live, I go through the motions everyday and wonder what on easth it's all about.

But I have special friends here and I honestly don't know what i would have done without these people. I can't talk much but I can write loads and finding others who relate and feel similar things just comforts me a tiny bit knowing I am not so alone in this. So I hope you will keep coming here sharing with us all.

hugs and love and peace to you,

niamh

[ms peg]

I had my first dream. I've been waiting for it. It was so real and so him. A bee had stung me and he came walking over to me and pointed up to a tree and said there's a wasp nest let me get a ladder and I'll get rid of it. It was so like him trying to fix things and I guess I am thinking of him still watching over me. I am a grown woman with a grown up daughter and I miss my daddy. Some days are better and I realize I'm smiling but then I feel sad that I am. I haven't ordered the thank you notes or even opening all the mass cards. Its all overwhelming. I don't think I really believe he is really gone. He is all over this house so it is like he just stepped away ........

[jaye]

first of all losing someone isn't easy. I'm sorry for anyone loss. my father died five years ago. My parents decided to move in with my sister because they couldn't take care of the house anymore. They were going to sell it or rent it out. I gotten some boxes for them. My sister was over for a visit. i was home we all decided to watch the shuttle go up on the T.V. When it was over. I got into my car drove over. there was an Ambulance & fire rescue there. You see my dad had medical problems so he needed to be transported to the hospital. my sister came out & i said "Mom or Dad?" she said "Dad" "He's gone" she took me into the house but i didn't see him on the floor. the EMT told me that he was right there. all i could think of was right before the shuttle went up i called them & told dad that i love you meow. you see i had a cat that we both loved & my dad started that saying. I believe there is an afterlife. in the early 80's my dad was a allergic to a dye from a xray or something like that when he came out it he said he saw God & that it wasn't his time when your 76. he was 3 months shy of his 76th birthday. like my sister said you have 9 months in your mom's womb. two days before this happened my mom saw a dove fly out of her bedroom. telling her that everything will be ok. He was my best friend. when i needed repair to car or house he was there even though he had back trouble from the time he was 24 years old. he was there. i cry every time i really thing of that day. my friend goes to see him for me because i'm in Sunny Flordia & he is in CT.

they say over time the pain will subside not yet for me. but i hope he's watching & knowing that i love hoim & miss him dearly. my dad had extra toes & fingers, my cat did too & i had to put him down 3 years later he was there to comfort me when i lost my best friend. Love you meow. before the shuttle went up he went to get a drink & he fell & my sister did CPR on him until the EMT's came along. I hope we all find peace

[jaye]

I know what you are saying. my dad died 5 years ago & he's in my dreams all the time letting me know that he's fine & he's watching over me. you always need your Dad or Mom even when you grow up. I had a dream he was in an hospital hallway in a wheelchair I was talking to him & my mom came up & asked who I was talking to I told her dad & he disappeared. but I know it's him saying I'm at peace.

I'm sorry for your loss. I call Mom & I'm about to ask her how dad is!

Keep smiling I believe he would want you to smile as you keep his memory alive. I know it's hard just remember he is always there in your heart. Things will come together & you'll be able to take that step to say thank you to everyone that came & that they care for you, him & your family just take one day at a time. that's how I'm doing it I still have bad days & it's been 5 years. I hope you are ok be safe.

[niamh]

Jaye, thanks for sharing with us, I'm so sorry about your Dad also. I keep hearing "time", "time", "time" from others (colleagues, family friends etc) and I see from you who is further along than we are the pain hasn't subsided. Personally I have no expectations that it will ever go away and why would it unless Dad comes back. It will go away the day I see my Dad again. Sometimes I feel it's worse as time goes on because it's longer and longer since I've seen him.

I find it "funny" (not in a laughable way) that when people say I just need time .....their view of time is that now 5 months later it should be "getting better" whereas my view of it is, it's a lifetime pain, it will never get better and I just have to live with it until my time is up.

for now I wait for the dreams/visits and hope one day he'll come to me,

hugs to you all

niamh

[jaye]

Thank You Niamh it's a comfort to me to know that there are people out there that understand what I'm feeling.

My family really doesn't discuss how much we miss him. I tell Mom. We remember him everyday. I agree the pain doesn't go away. I would love to hug him again. I have an answering machine that has his voice on it.

I wish he would tell me what it is like there. I'm still afraid of dying. One day I will be ok with it. It's so different without him. I can't ask for help or say Love you meow.

I'm doing ok. I'm taking one day at a time. I'm not masking my sorrow. but If I think of him when i'm alone tears will start to fall. but if I'm with someone I'm ok. He's with My cat Paws that he denied loving him. Love you meow dad. My dreams of him are so real.

His back hurt a lot & he used to get up at night & I would sit out there with him. I had a dream where I was in his house I knew he was dead but when I opened the door the light was on in the living room & I sat there with him like old times.

I'm adopted when I told my sister about these dreams. she said I wish I could have one of him. I said you have two Children that look & act Like him. she is their natural Child. My two brother are also adopted. He loved us equal. Jaye

[niamh]

hi Jaye,

My Mom and I don't really talk about him, she mentions things every so often. I guess it is still too hard, as soon as she talks about a small memory, I feel the lump in my throat. I can't even fully let my head go back on memories myself, yet at the same time I try to remember his face, his voice coz sometimes I get so scared of forgetting everything because for now I am blocking it out.

I too still refuse to lie about how I feel. I am finding it harder and my Mom is aswell recently because people have stopped calling out of the blue now.

I hope your dreams of him bring you some little comfort, it sounds like they do and that is wonderful. I hope they feel like visits from your Daddy.

I wish for dreams/visits, wish to feel his presence. Going to plough through some of the things Marty posted about after life communication etc. Sometimes I hope and try to think that he is right next to me,all the time, "knocking" SO HARD trying to come through to let me know he's here but my pain is just blocking it and hopefully someday he'll succeed. Other times as I've said a million times on here I get scared wondering what if he's not.

wow 3 of you adopted, your parents are something special . of course he loved you equal , you are and always will be his little girl.

hugs and love to you hun,

niamh

xox

[jaye]

I still miss my dad it's going to be 5 years next month & i'm still at a loss.

I miss him more on the days I'm depressed because something wrong is going on in my life. can anyone help!?

[niamh]

aw I'm sorry Jaye, of course you are still at a loss. What date is it hun ? we will be thinking of you.

I know what you mean, when things go wrong my Dad was always the first person I'd call, and he would always just say and do the right thing and fix it all. Now it's a little scary at times not having that support, that one person who would drop anything anytime to just help you out. Yeah others can help but I find nobody is as reliable as my Daddy and it just plain sucks !

I wish I could help you, but all I can do is listen and send you lots of Daddy girl hugs and love,

niamh

x

[jaye]

He died July 26th 2005. around 10:30am it's really hard. I always talked to my mom. but he was there when I really needed him & never asked questions.

[niamh]

of course it is still hard Jaye, I can't imagine what it feels like after 5 years, I get scared thinking of that length of time without seeing my Dad. So many times now that I am beyond lost with things I would have spoken to him about, there's just nobody who can even attempt to fill that gaping hole.

hugs

niamh

[jaye]

it is hard there are days when I just want to talk to him. I can't even visit his grave because he's buried in Connecticut & I'm in Florida.

I have a friend that goes & sees him once in a while. I asked him how my dad was.

He joked & said he can't talk. but my aunt takes care of his grave site for us.

Since the immediate family is here is Florida. Hopefully one day I can go there again it's been 5 years. we flew up for 3 days & then flew right back.

so I had no chance to really say goodbye. everyday I wake up & think of him & when I go to bed that's the last thing I think of is him & my cat Paws. My mom has Parkinson's disease since 2001 & she is getting slower & she is tired because she has trouble sleeping due to the disease. My sister is taking care of her. so that weighs on my mind too.

They met at a dance when she was 15 years old. He played the drums. He tracked her down & they started dating she was 17 when they got engaged. He went into the Air Force. She waited for him. & at 18 she flew out to California & got Married at Travis Air Force Base.

Mom didn't know anyone she wore a suit not a wedding gown, never had a cake until their 50th Anniversary. They were Married for 53 years. Jan 12th 1952 to July 26th 2005.

They always wanted to go to Hawaii. So for their 50th Anniversary. Had a Hawaiian Party so I got all they Pictures of Us Kids & friends My brother made a dvd of their life & they finally went to Hawaii in Florida.

Two days before he died mom saw a dove fly out of their bedroom Meaning there would be peace. So I get mom doves as gifts for that reason. To remember Dad. My boyfriend gets me black cats to remind me of Paws my cat that died. Jaye

Thank you for writing me & taking the time to listen to me. I have so much emotions about the death that it doesn't take one day to get it out. :P

[niamh]

no need for thanks, that's what we are all here for

I know Jaye, sometimes I find it almost impossible to survive because I want to talk to him and see him SO BADLY. I'm sorry you can't visit his grave hun, that's not easy. I'm glad you have your Aunt to care for his grave for you.

Oh me too, last thing at night, first thing in the morning my Dad is who and what I think of, everytime I wake from sleep he's the first thing into my mind along with the horrible reality of it all.

Jaye, I'm so sorry about your sweet Mom. I can't imagine your worry about her aswell your own grief, my heart goes out to you. Wow, 53 years, so hard to imagine, it's more than a lifetime.

Oh the DVD sounds beautiful, I am waiting to get some photos with audio clips of my Dad's voice put together. Eventually I do want to get all photos that my relatives may have and put them together with Dad's favourite music on the DVD.

aw that's so nice about the doves you get your Mom. I do little things now for my Mom that my Dad used to do, I know she really appreciates it, time and time again she tells me I'm all that keeps her going.

You are blessed to have a caring boyfriend aswell who's so sweet to you.

Nope you are so right, it does not take one day to get it out, I think it takes a lifetime and we just have no choice in the matter unfortunately.

sending you lots of Daddy girl hugs, love and comfort Jaye,

niamh

xo

[niamh]

I asked him how my dad was.

He joked & said he can't talk. but my aunt takes care of his grave site for us.

I like that you say that ....sometimes when I tell my friends I am going to visit Dad they say "tell him I said hi", it feels nice.