This Isn't Real - This Is Happening To Someone Else

[ChristineK]

I have been reading along for some time and I have been trying to piece together responses to others' posts to suit my situation. It's not working. I need some help.

Here's a little bit about me...my mother passed away on February 7th from complications due to a stroke. My mother had many different illnesses during her lifetime. These illnesses included doctor's visits, hospital stays and many many appointments. I attended many appointments with her because her "selective" hearing would routinely provide a diagnosis nowhere near the truth. She and I spoke every day. We had everything in common. Career, politics, life and friends. My mother was the smartest woman I know. She was my best friend and at times she was my worst enemy. My siblings called us co-dependant. I knew my mother wouldn't live forever. I thought I prepared myself.

I have a very demanding career. I am the go-to person for everyone at work, my family and my friends. You know - "that girl". The one who has it together. Well that's not me anymore. I don't sleep. It feels like forever since I've had more that three hours sleep at a time. I don't want to go to work and while I'm at work I don't want to work. I am not very good company. I cry all the time. All the time. So much so that I need to leave the office to clear my head. I get myself so upset I don't come back. Co-workers barely look at me anymore for dreading to catch my tear-filled eyes.

I want to see her again. I want to touch her. Smell her.

I don't recognize myself. This isn't me. I honestly don't know how to go on without her. I'm falling apart.

I want you to know what an amazing woman she was and how much I miss her but, that's all for now.

Christine

[SHeiss]

Christine,

I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I wish there was something I could do to comfort you and take your pain away. Welcome to the site! I hope you find love and comfort here as I have.

Everyone grieves in there own way, it is your right as a human being. There is no correct way. You love and miss your mom and to me the way you are grieving is normal. You seem like a very kind and loving person and I can tell the bond you had with your mom was very beautiful.

I really have no advice for you, but I am able to lend an ear to listen whenever you may need to vent, cry, yell or just chat. I am sure she was a fantastic person.

Much love and many hugs,

Sharla

[Daughter2010]

Christine,

Welcome to the forum. First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. You are going through rough times, like all of us here have. Please know, we are here to listen to you, to support you in any way we can. I, like you have a very demanding job too and when you are in that position you are supposed to have it all together. But guess what, we are only humans, and we feel, we cry, we mourn, and it is all OK. The loss of your mother is sure devastating, and you are trying to go on but just don't know how. Just take it one day at a time, and if one day is too much to take in, then take it one moment at a time. Little by little, like baby steps. I lost my dad, 6 months ago to cancer, and even though is was an expected event, it didn't make it any easier on my grief. I went back to work a week after his passing because knowing him, that is what he would have told me. I did it for him, I gathered strength and went to work. I dont know how I made it, as there were times I would almost burst into tears.

Crying is ok, we are not perfect and people may look at you or me or anyone who has gone through this and act in certain way because they just dont know how to comfort people in grief. Whenever it gets too hard to go on for you, just think of your mother rooting for you. You know she loves you very much and only wants the best for you. You can find her in your heart and memories, and even though she is not physically with you, she is somewhere watching after you.

Hang in there, and remember you are human, and you can cry and not have it together all the time. It is ok. Your mom left you a treasure of moments, memories, values, lessons that are invaluable, whenever you feel down, remember them, cherish them, as it may help you on your journey. That has been my experience with mourning the loss of my father. It doesn't take the crying away, but I am concentrating on taking it day by day and so far, that has worked.

Big hug for you,

-L

[niamh]

hi Christine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom and welcome to here. I lost my dearest Dad suddenly just before Christmas. Like you I don't recognise myself anymore, I'm this new person I don't want to be, I don't want any of this to be real, I wish I could wake from the nightmare of it. He was so much more than my Dad, he was my teacher, my best friend, the fixer of everything and I don't know how to live without him, I don't want to actually. I'm just about hanging in there for my Mom.

I spent weeks and weeks reading here before I could finally write something, I didn't want it to be so real that I was suddenly writing about all this. Now I find writing is my only true outlet. I can talk to friends about what grief does to me but I can't talk about those deep emotional feelings of being so lost and lonely....the words don't come, as soon as I try I break down and can hardly compose myself. So I write so much here and in journals.

You will find so many special kind hearted people here. While nothing makes things easier I do find some comfort that I am not completely alone in how I feel, knowing someone else is going through something similar....makes me feel as normal as I can be.

I too have a demanding job, luckily management are super supportive and changed my role to a less pressurised one for now.I did not return to work until 4th March ...I tried twice before that and just couldn't, I was throwing up, having panic attacks etc so just stayed out on sick leave. I've been working 4 days a week since I came back and in 2 weeks I have to go back to 5 days. I am physically sick over it. I do little bits and pieces when I am in work but I find it so hard. I used to love my job so much, now I just don't care about it. my mind wanders, I come online here coz I just can't find the motivation to work or care about it anymore. I just want to run from here and never have to come back, I want to run from life itself.

I hope you keep coming here sharing your journey with us .... Just know that you are not so alone in this and we will all share.

Hugs to you because there really are no words,

niamh

[jodo]

Hi Christine, I am so sad to hear about your story, and the loss of your wonderful mother. I lost my Dad 4 months ago suddenly (he also had some sort of stroke?) This site has helped me more than anything else I've tried (one on one counseling,"physical" support groups, etc.) I hope you can find some comfort here too!

You had said you just wanted us to know how great your Mom really was, That is how I feel as well - I don't want anyone to forget my Dad, I wish I could tell everyone I meet about what a wonderful man he was, I could go on and on about him !! I think the trouble I'm having is , I can't figure out why other family members aren't as upset as I am ? Don't they miss him ?? Maybe they just deal with it in another way ?

Well as you might have read in some of my posts, after 4 months it is not ANY easier for me, I wish I could say otherwise I cry (sob) all the time!

I hope that you will post often, and let us know how you're doing, and share sweet stories about your Mom, so that we can all "know" her. My heart (what's left of it) goes out to you. Peace and Love to you Christine,

Jodi

[2sweetgirls]

Hi Christine,

Firstly, I'm so sorry for the loss of your amazing mom. I lost my mom, too, November 30, 2009. It is a moment by moment battle in my grieving process. Everyone is different and handles it in their own way. I won't even begin to tell you I know exactly how you feel but, I am going thru similar feelings. Christine, it's ok not to be "that girl" who has it all together this time. Let all the people you have helped help you now. You just had one of the most amazing, influencial, loving, etc. people in your life pass on. You can't expect yourself to get past that so quickly and to be the same person you were before.

I am a stay at home mom so I can't even begin to imagine how it feels to have to go to work. But, I do understand about the "selective" hearing you are talking about. My mom and dad had/have that too. My dad has stage 4 bone cancer and prostate cancer (he was diagnosed a couple of weeks after mom passed) and even though he has been told, doesn't grasp the reality of it. My brother and I plan on keeping it that way for his sake. My mom also had many many illnesses in her lifetime. I was also there for many of the appts, operations, close calls, emergency room visits, starting when I was 14 years old, except at the end, which is an issue I have to deal and live with. We don't live in the same state. Even though we got the call that she had passed while actually on the way to be with her. It was a quick and strange sequence of events that prevented me from being with her. I got to speak to her on the phone and tell her that we all love her and we were coming so hold on just a little longer but, her heart just couldn't do it anymore (She had congestive heart failure). As long as I can remember, growing up my parents always spoke about "when we die". It was not a tabu subject in our house so I thought I had prepared myself, to a certain degree, also. Only to find out you can NEVER prepare yourself for such a horrible, deep in your gut, pain.

I share the same feeling of wanting to touch my mom, hold her, see her, smell her again. I want to send you many, big hugs.

I hope that you can share some more of your feelings when you are ready.

Hugs, love and peace to you.

2sweetgirls

[beckym]

Dear Christine,

I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I too, recently lost my mother after a long battle with Parkinson's disease. I stupidly thought I was prepared to let her go. Things had gotten so bad for her, she had lost everything and had no quality of life. I was there when she passed and did remarkably well for the first two weeks. I have now fallen apart and so much of what you said about your mom connected with me. We were so close we were like the same person. We use to laugh and say that we were clones. I am not one to cry, especially in public, but am falling apart everyday. I want so much to have one more day to tell her I love her and to ask her to forgive me for all the times I lost patience with her and the situation we were in. I work full time and was the only care giver and things got so overwhelming. We would talk everyday morning and night. Looking back I use to think it was something I was doing for her but now know that I needed that every bit as much as she did. Isn't it funny how things suddenly become crystal clear when it's too late to change anything. Friends and relatives think I was there whenever she needed me and that I actually went above and beyond what most daughters would do. But I am overwhelmed by guilt that I should have and could have done more. As you said if I could just see her again, touch her and hold her. I can't believe this pain will ever go away.

Beckym

[justincase]

Christine,

The simple fact that you spoke up and posted speaks a lot about you.

My mom pasted away April 26th of this year at the age of 66. She had Breast cancer that returned in 2007 after 14 years.

Do you care to share your mother with me? It might help me with some issues...

[ChristineK]

On Saturday I woke from a dream sobbing. I was dreaming of our flowering apple blossoms and decided to cut a few branches to mix with some freshly picked lilacs. The branches were in an old umbrella stand by the front door. With my back turned from the doorway I was making the flower arrangement at a table when I hear voices coming towards the door. I vaguely remember the conversation but I clearly remember her voice. I heard her say “where is that smell coming from? It smells like lilacs – does Christine know the lilacs are out? Oh, here is where it’s coming from…” I turned in time to see her reaching for a lilac out of the umbrella stand. And there she was. Mom. She saw me and I saw her and we looked at each other smiling. She lifted her hand out with the lilac to hand to me and exclaimed – “you’re here!” She handed me the lilac and I woke up.

I have been reliving this dream since. It was the first time I could see her smiling face and remember it without the clouded vision of her taking her last breath lying in a hospital bed. Pictures and memories have not comforted me. I cannot get past the moment she died.

I do want to say thank you for all your warm thoughts and kind words. I have been reading your comments and have wanted to post but I don’t have the strength. My first post exhausted me. I have put a call into my counselor that I used to see a few years ago. I hope she calls me back.

Next, I will tell you what I miss about her.

Christine

[niamh]

hi Christine,

WOW what a dream, I don't know what you believe but do you think it was maybe a "visit" from your Mom ....did you feel any bit of comfort when you woke. I've heard of people having dreams that they call visits and feel somehow comforted a little by them. Your dream sounds like that to me.

I long for such a dream of my Dad. I've had maybe 3 dreams but they've been more like a longing for him, where he comes home and I realise it was all a mistake, he didn't leave but then I wake with the most horrific fright and fear.

I wish so much he would come to me somehow, I long for a "real" sign that I know he's here still with me somehow.

hugs to you hun

niamh

xo

[2sweetgirls]

Christine,

I have read your post about the dream you had of your mom a number of times. Each time, I smile because, to me, it seems like a wonderful way to see her again - kind of the way she wants you to remember her. Again, that is only my perception, you probably have your own mixed bag of emotions. Of course, it also brings tears to my eyes because it's hard to see any good when you lose someone you love with all of your being. I hope that someday you can try to replace the way you saw her leaving this world with that warm smile and a lilac that was just for you in your dream.

I hope the counselor calls back and that helps you, Chrisine.

Keep sharing when you feel you have the strength or anytime.

HUgs to you today and always.

2sweetgirls

[justincase]

Christine,

That sounds like a wonderful step forward. A sign of first light? Whether you believe it to be spiritual, psychological or other, it seems like you are on your path of healing. That dream tells a lot about you, your mom and especially the relationship the two of you had.

I truly believe that in order to get through the loss of a parent, child, or closely held soul, one must completely surrender each second, minute, hour, day.

Feel the grief...

We should not try to hide from the sadness, anger, loneliness. However, also accept the smirk, smile or happy tear that may cross your face momentarily. Sometimes those feelings may seem random but I don't believe that way. I have faith that it is some sense; we think is turned off or we even know we have, receiving messages. The way you seem to feel about your mom sure makes me think that she would only be sending you happy, wishing well thoughts?

When you take that step and let yourself go; let yourself feel the scary boogie man parts of grief, many times, it really ends up just being a pin prick. Kinda like getting a shot at the doctor. It ends up only hurting for a very short while but the benefits can be life changing and long lasting. Best of all, they are healing kind!

Carpe diem - Seize the day! Rest at night. You will have more of those moments with your mom.

I wish you well,

Mom wishes you well,

God wishes you well...