STARKISS Posted May 16, 2010 Report Share Posted May 16, 2010 Hi All, I know I have dealt with the remains issue all ready but my therapist's says that if we do something with the remains than maybe I would feel more at peace with the loss of my mom... I was not interested when she said this but maybe she is right, I have sent a message out to the family and told them that I think we need to decide so that we all have closure with this issue... I was going to wait till I was able to forgive dad but my therapist says that may take more time so maybe this is a step I need to take... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted May 17, 2010 Report Share Posted May 17, 2010 hi Shelley, Not sure if "Good Luck" with this is the right term to use here but I think you know what I mean. I'm sure this will be difficult for you so your friends in grief are all here to support you. peace and love to you niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 17, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 17, 2010 Hi All, I have seen the message out to all the siblings but no one has replied as of yet so now it is wait and see time to see if we can all agree what to do... Thanks Niamh you have been there for me for all the kind words and encouragement.. Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 19, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2010 Hi All, Sorry time to vent again, I have emailed the family about doing something with my parents remains and the only one to say anything is my sister and she just agreed to it... I need something done with this so that I can move forward and have some sort of closure but how do I tell them that I feel so trapped on this journey if they will not answer the phone or email messages.. Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 Hi All, I just heard from my brother Mark and he thinks we should do it somewhere in Bowmanvlle where my parents and I lived for so long and I know my mom did not want a grave BUT... We need somewhere we can go and remember her, not to cry but for happy memories and for her grandkids to visit to remember her.... I would home mom would not be too mad if we did this because I think it is important for the family to have a place to visit for good old memories... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted May 20, 2010 Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 hi Shelley, that sounds lovely and I'm sure you're Mom is nothing but HAPPY that you will have somewhere to be able to visit her. Cremation is not big at all where I am from. I like going to visit my Dad, bringing flowers and just being able to sit and talk to him, it's the only time I ever want to see the sun is when I go there so I can just sit there and be near him. I cry there too a lot and I think that's a good thing aswell. maybe someday I can go there and smile and remember happy times. I'm so glad your bro got back to you. keep us posted on it all, hugs and love to you hun niamh xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 20, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 20, 2010 Thanks Niamh, You have been there for me the last little while and I really appreciate it and think how lucky am I that I found this site when I did... My brother Mark who is the less family oriented one spoke up about the remains now I need to hear from my sister again and my other two brothers but hopefully we can all find a way to help each other deal with the closure of the deaths... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 23, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2010 Hi All, The two siblings that have got back to me about the remains now think we should do it on August 25th and have all the family help with whatever is decided... I can not do it on August 25th without it being so very difficult... The family picked this day because it is the actual day that my dad died... With everything I have gone through since January I just can not deal with this too... My therapist says we need to deal with it but realizes that doing it on that day would really upset me even more but does not want me to tell the rest of the family about the abuse until after we deal with the remains... Now what... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Hi All, I went to my therapist yesterday and we discussed alot of things but one thing I did talk about is what to do with the remains of my parents... My one brother wants us to do something in Bowmanville a town my parents lived in for so many years... He wants a grave so that he can go and visit and so that his children can go and spend time and remember their grandparents... My mom did not want a grave so I was thinking we could scatter their remains and than plant a tree in remembrance of the love we had for them... This way my mom gets her wishes and we still can have a place to sit and remember how much we miss and love them...shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Hi All, Just heard from another brother and I am beginning to wish I was an only child... I thought the tree ideal was a good ideal but he says mom would not want that... I lived with them the most so I should know them a little better... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted May 24, 2010 Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 aw Shelley, I'm sorry for all the extra things you have to deal with now along with everything else. What do the rest of the family say or think or are you still waiting to hear from them ? It's such a tough situation, yet nobody else can decide for you all. I hope you find a resolution you will each be content with, much hugs and love as always niamh xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 24, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 24, 2010 Hi Niamh, Thanks for all your understanding, right now I am waiting on my sister and brother to help decide what to do... My brother Mark says we should do the grave thing, Steven says scatter the remains so there is no grave and no tree... I think that we should scatter the remains and than plant a tree as a memory to them for all the love they gave us... It is not a grave and we do not even need to make a really big deal about it but it could be somewhere we could go to remember them by... I know that I lived with them for 40 years and the rest of the family did their own thing.. I sat at the side of my mom's bed each time she was sick and we were told she might die... .. I think that she would be okay with the tree ... shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted May 25, 2010 Report Share Posted May 25, 2010 hi Shelley, Ugh sounds so tough with your family wanting to do different things yet it's something only each of you can some together on in the end. I think your Mom will be happy with whatever suits you all. I hope you can all agree on something so you can move a little further with what you need to do. I wish there was a simple answer to it all. hugs and love niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 26, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 26, 2010 Hi All, I still have not heard from one brother and no one else in the family is really talking to me anymore... I do not know what to do ... I need this to happen but I can not make them do it ... So here I am waiting it out but it is tearing me up inside knowing that in order for me to go farther along I have to do something with the remains Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
loulou Posted May 27, 2010 Report Share Posted May 27, 2010 shelly,Im so sorry for this conflict you are having.Family is so hard to deal with.I know this first hand.I too, need to do something with my dad's ashes.My dad's girlfriend has them,but dosnt want them.(nice,right?)She had someone put them away in a closet.A CLOSET!Im gonna get them,I just havnt wanted to see her.My dad wanted his ashes spread over his favorite football team's field.That will be funny...throwing ashes like a criminal:wacko:My dad would be laughing so hard at us.I,though,have some other things I want to do.i would like to spread some on my grandparents graves,(so they can be together)I would also like to have some in my home.Do you think it's weird to split them up?They also have on line where you can send some ashes in and they crystalize them and make it a ring,or whatever.I would love that.The rest of the family dosnt even want them,so I guess I'm lucky I wont have to fight with them.It makes me sad though...nobody else wants his remains.Goodluck Shelly,I hope you can get your closure soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 27, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 27, 2010 Hi loulou, I am sorry that you are going through what you are with no one wanting your loved ones remains, I do not know what is worst fighting over what to do or finding out that no one really cares the way you do... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2010 Hi All, I am so desperate about doing something with the remains that I am almost willing to take it into my own hands and do something because the family is driving me crazy with their stalling tack ticks... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted May 31, 2010 Report Share Posted May 31, 2010 Okay, Shelley ~ I just went back and re-read your most recent posts on this topic. I know you've been struggling with this for a very long time. It seems to me that you already have the answer, in your own words: I think that we should scatter the remains and than plant a tree as a memory to them for all the love they gave us... It is not a grave and we do not even need to make a really big deal about it but it could be somewhere we could go to remember them by... I know that I lived with them for 40 years and the rest of the family did their own thing.. I sat at the side of my mom's bed each time she was sick and we were told she might die... .. I think that she would be okay with the tree As I said to you elsewhere, why not go ahead and decide what you think is best, then simply contact your siblings again to inform them of your decision? You might say something like this: "I've made every effort to involve you in this decision, but the time has come to act. Here is what I have decided to do, and I'm just calling / writing now to let you know what I've decided to do with our parents' remains." Sometimes not making a decision is the same as making one, Shelley (as in deciding not to decide anything) ~ and it takes someone with enough courage to take the lead to go ahead and do what you think is best. Your solution sounds perfectly lovely to me, but once you've decided to do it, realize that you must have enough faith in it to stand up and defend it, even when you already know that it will not please everyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted May 31, 2010 Author Report Share Posted May 31, 2010 Hi Marty, You are right, I am going to plan a date and tell the family that I came up with a plan for the remains and carry out the plan... I am hoping the family with go along with this but if they did not wish to help and go along with this it will be their decision and they will have to live with it... I need closure and I am also hoping that they all do too... I am going to ask my brother who has a big yard if we can plant a tree somewhere in his yard... My parents loved visiting his place and we have so many good memories there... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 1, 2010 Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 hi Shelley, I too agree. You have done as much as you can possible do trying to get your siblings to come together and decide on this. Now you decide, make the plans and let them know about them. Hopefully there will be no issues, you can carry on with it and then be able to move further with your grief. hugs and love to you as always niamh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 1, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 Hi All, Well I have sent all my siblings emails telling them when I plan to do it and I am waiting on word from my brother about planting the tree other than that it will happen on August 25th of this year which is the 5th anniversary of my dad's death... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 10, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 10, 2010 Well, so much for having a plan... I can not do anything with the remains unless my sister and my brother are with me as they are my parents power of attorney.... I just found out neither of them are in a hurry to decide what to do... So here I am stuck in muck and can not do a thing to get out... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
niamh Posted June 11, 2010 Report Share Posted June 11, 2010 aw I'm sorry Shelley, that is hard. Do you think they are not in a hurry because they are not to bothered or do you think maybe they are having a hard time dealing with something like spreading ashes ? I wish I knew what to say. Have you explained to them at all that this is something you really need to get done, I know you've asked them quite a few times but are they even getting how much you need to do this (without telling them details of why obviously for now?). If they are just being lazy that is just awful Shelley but if they have hard time with it then I guess it's a little different. try to keep talking to them about it anyways, if you can at all. I can't imagine how frustrated you are with them. hugs and love hun and hope they will arrange something with you sooner rather than later, niamh xo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
STARKISS Posted June 11, 2010 Author Report Share Posted June 11, 2010 Hi niamh, My brother called me today and says my ideal was great, he was not sure of the tree but if everyone else liked the ideal he would agree... I am thrilled that he liked the whole plan now if I can get the other two brothers and my sister to say something... I am going to phone my brother and discuss maybe planting the tree at his house, he has a very big yard... Shelley Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EllenB Posted June 13, 2010 Report Share Posted June 13, 2010 Shelly, I have read all of your posts. MartyT had it right on the money. I do understand that your siblings have power of attorney, however, they left this burden in your hands. They have not made any effort to help you, suggest possibilities, or really do anything. Your idea of spreading her ashes under a tree are great, or spreading them on your fathers grave are wonderful as well. Even though they have power of attorney, and they threw that in your face, and you feel you want to do what you want to do because they are too busy to handle the situation, I would take the situation into my own hands. You took care of your mom for all of that time, they didn't. If you don't want to do it the day your dad died, you do it when you want. Are they going to sue you for your mom's ashes? Tell them to go and collect the ashes wherever you spread them and to do what they want with them, you have just waited way too long and needed closure already; you have asked a million times to advise you what to do but they were too pre-occupied with "more important matters". You need to put some closure on this issue and waiting for them is like waiting forever. You know what they can do with their power of attorney..... Do what you think is good for yourself because this is eating you up; obviously it is not having the same affect on your siblings. You need closure, so I suggest to do whatever you feel is the right thing for yourself and your mom. Ellen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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