benpm Posted June 1, 2010 Report Share Posted June 1, 2010 Alrighty then. Here goes. Someone on another board mentioned this group as a better source of support than the group I was in before, that would be the short answer, but would mean very little. Almost three years ago, my brother with whom I was just getting to know for the first time in my life, killed himself. This was in October of '07. During this time my mother was battling with ovarian cancer and I was taking her for her treatments and stuff. I didn't miss a doctor's appointment of hers, and was well in the loop and aware of what she was struggling with. In January of '08, after being left to tell her she had two months to live, she past away a week later in the midst of me trying to make arrangements for an in home nurse for her by refinancing her house. I was with her the whole time, and this one really haunts me till today. There was my dad, who I was also just trying to get to know. A year and half prior I had received a call from a hospital I never heard of one day at work, stating that he was in a comma in the ICU and I was the only living relative old enough to make decisions for him. It was over eighteen since I had seen him, he left on bad terms, and they wanted me to make the life or death decisions for him. I'm human, and the evil thoughts of revenge did cross my mind, but in the end, I drove to the hospital that was over two hours away, met my brother for the first, explained to him how awkward I felt having to be in charge knowing that he had never met me before, and asked him what he knew our dad had wanted, and made the decisions accordingly. Well a little over a year later, In June of '08 I get the call from his best friend who said, "your dad died last night and tomorrow is the final inspection of the new house he was building, so you need to be there. I realized recently that I never had time to grieve. I went from one crisis to the next, and dealt with them as best I could. This best was apparently not that great. Because for most of time since then, until about a month ago, I would never open or send mail. I blamed my ADD which I insisted to my therapist that if I fixed that, everything else would fall into place. He kept saying I was depressed, and I kept saying give me something to help me focus and I won't be depressed. Wellllll, about three months ago the suicidal thoughts where starting to come every other moment it seemed, so I got myself into some intensive outpatient therapy. Seems my therapist was right, I was depressed, and was depressed many other times during my life as I soon learned, by discovering what depression is. It was also about this time that my wife said we needed a divorce and had the whole plan laid from nuts to soup. I had told her about my thoughts and that I needed help, and she only told me to stop whining. Later she realized that depression explained a whole lot, and we stayed together. Wellllll, after a couple of months, with some improvement in my life, but not much, I decided it was time to end my life. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with my cousin dying the week prior and also five years after her brother killed himself or not. I made a decision to get my mothers estate in the hands of a lawyer, take a second look around to make sure there was nothing else to handle, then kill myself. The day before the lawyer I found myself with some prescription pain killers and was popping them throughout the night. I had at one point made a deal with myself that if I make it half way through the bottle, I would have to make a final decision to either finish the bottle, and a couple others with some vodka, or get some help. It was driving me nuts that I couldn't keep to my plan, but the pills where there, and that night it would have been so easy. Halfway through at three in the morning my wife comes out of the bedroom. I looked at her and said, " I need to go to the hospital." She knew what I meant and with out a word, we got ready to go, packing clothes and everything. I spent some time in the hospital. My wife would come and visit me and tell me how horrible I was and how I was messing up her life, she finally told me that her therapist had told that telling my in the hospital was a good time to tell me that she wanted a separation, because they could help me there. I came home ready to kick her to the curb for all that, and found she was upset that I wasn't including her in my life. She and I decided to stay together again, this time with conditions I placed, such as counseling for her and us. So here I am. I've seen a grief therapist who tells me I need to let it out. I can't. I was always told that crying made me weak and that men don't cry. I don't trust my wife after all the things she has said recently, and hove no family or friends to get with. Correction, I do have family, but no matter how hard I try to change it, they still communicate to me through my wife, if they communicate at all. Soooo, any ideas on who to grieve with when you don't trust anybody close? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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