Lost My Dad Last Week

[slinkybink]

I lost my dad to a massive heart attack Wednesday, May 26, 2010. He was 63 and had been retired and lovin' it for 13 months. My step-mom and friend was, thank goodness, home with him when it happened. They had gone for their morning walk as normal. When they came back, dad complained of a bad headache and of being somewhat nauseated. He then even said his left arm felt like it wanted to go numb, which my step-mom said she knew was a classic sign...but even at her asking persistently, my bull-headed dad insisted he was fine and it was not necessary to seek medical attention...that is the way our side of the family is unfortunately. After taking 2 aspirin, he was feeling better and they started loading some clothes in the truck to take to Goodwill. After one load, my Step-mom said he called out to her for help and slumped over gasping. She immediately called 911, and they walked her through how to do chest compressions, but I think his death was immediate and God had simply decided he needed this good man by His side on this day.

That all being said, I have been staying with my step-mom for the last week, making sure she is ok...and basically avoiding feeling what I need to feel and get out. Yesterday, I went to his gravesite and I think I finally have begun to let go of some of my feelings. Not sure how to deal with anything. My dad was so young and VERY full of life. He was always smiling and quick with a joke. He had a zest for life not seen in alot of people these days. He had been a workaholic but slid so easily into retirement and loved it. Kept busy, exercised, and enjoyed it all. Dad and my step-mom had just returned from their 1st ever cruise (for their 24th anniversary), 3 days before his death. I think of things we did together and it rips me up inside to think of not ever doing those things again, or not hearing his voice again.

I am already on an antidepressant, and my doctor did call out something to help me sleep, which I definitely needed. I am having trouble eating, food I do eat runs right through me and I have lost 9lbs in the last week...not that I don't need to lose weight...but this is not a healthy way to do it. I'm really having more trouble with this than I originally thought.

Any advice or words of wisdom?

Thank you, ~Kim

Jerry Neel

11/24/46 - 5/26/2010

Father, Daughter and God...Picture taken on Ocracoke Island, NC June 2009

[slinkybink]

Wanted to add...I am not alone in this and am not a spring chicken. I do have a wonderful husband and am 41 years old. The neighbors and dad and step-mom's church friends have also lent shoulders to me as well...I just still feel lost.

[Butterfly9]

Hi Kim,

Welcome to this site. The people here are very caring and are always here to listen. I’m so sorry to hear about your precious Dad. Your Dad was so young and full of life and even just retired not so long ago. Your story made me cry.

It doesn’t matter how old we, we will still miss our Dads/Moms and loved ones when they pass away. They have been such a big part of our lives and they leave a big void. It has been 3 months for me yesterday. I still can’t believe it. I don’t think I ever will believe it. It just seems so unreal. I miss and love my Dad so much.

Such a nice picture of your Dad enjoying himself on the boat with his beautiful smile. I also like the picture of you and your Dad looking out at the beautiful sky (God). Those are precious moments to treasure. I know it might be hard now to think of all the memories. It still is for me. I too miss that I can no longer create new memories with my Dad, hear is voice and laugh or see his beautiful smile.

I’m glad that you are not alone and have your husband, family, friends and neighbors there to give you support. The grief will come in waves and each person is different how they deal with it. Take care of yourself and thanks for sharing.

Your Dad is healed and in a better place. He is watching over you until you can be together again someday.

Sending you hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Butterfly9

[loulou]

Ok.This is unbelievably close to my story.My dad died in Jan.of a massive heart attack.He was 49 years young.He was at a side job,shoveling snow.He all of a sudden not feeling well,so went to sit in his car,until my cousin came to drive him home.When she got there he was already gone.The paramedics came and tried to revive him all the way to the hospital,where he was pronounced dead.I got the call,and drove to the hospital fast as I could,just to give a positive id.it was awful. Im glad you and your stepmom,have each other.My dad's girlfriend dosn't seem to be upset by it.She cried maybe once,that I have seen.It makes me sad,because he loved her alot.My dad also had two very young kids,1yrs old,and 8 yrs old,and my heart breaks for them.I also lost about 15 pounds in 2 months after dad passed.I was on anti-anxiety medicine,and sleeping pills,too.I have had to stop taking them because by some freak incident I turned up pregnant last month.It was hard for me to let them go,cause they helped me so much.My fiance was so great after my dad passed,and he still tries,but 5 months later,and I think people expect me to be moving on,but I cant.I miss my dad so very much.My dad was like your dad...a zest for life,happy,always being funny...so full of life.It's a very hard road dear,and I feel so bad for you,having to endure this.This site will help.Please keep posting,and I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Guest Robert27]

Hi Kim,

let me add another Welcome!

all I can really say is I am so Sorry for your loss, I Wish you nothing but Comfort

and strength,

[2sweetgirls]

Dear Kim,

Let me welcome you also. I, too, am very sorry to hear about your dad. Thank you for sharing your story AND those lovely pix.

I'm glad you have a great support system - it's important. My husband is great also. My mom has been gone for 6 months now and I can't say it's better, just different. It makes me feel good that he and your step-mom had a wonderful vacation before he passed. I love the smile on his face in the pic you sent. He looks so happy. I wish I had advice or words of wisdom but, all I can say is we are a family on this site and you can come here anytime and we will be here to listen.

I hope you can stay healthy and have some peace.

Peace and hugs to you.

2sweetgirls

P.S. LouLou pregnant? That is wonderful!!! Your dad would have loved the new baby and would want you to be happy.

[slinkybink]

Thank you all so much for your condolences and your sharing of your stories. Although I know this is something I know that only I can go through and is personal to me, all of your words are helpful. My condolences to each of you on your losses as well.

Today has actually been an ok day for both me and my step-mom. We walked for about 90 minutes this morning, we both ate a bit of lunch...though mine has already run through me. Went through today's mail of many sympathy cards and manged to make it through those ok. My husband is headed to our home from work and will be taking a shower there, then heading here. I think I might try to eat our normal fish camp Friday meal tonight...see how long that will stay. I'm hoping to talk my step-mom into going with us, though I doubt she will. She has kind of enjoyed some quiet time with her 2 cats each night while Scott and I go eat dinner. She watches the news and pets the cats.

Again, thank you all for the welcome and condolences. I won't be a stranger.

Here is a picture of Mine and Hubby's wedding with Dad and Step-mom...we were an awesome 4-some always!

[niamh]

hi Kim,

Welcome to my new online home!

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost mine suddenly just before Christmas, he was 65 and like yours he was FULL OF LIFE. The phrase you use "had a zest for life" just brought me back to the eulogy I gave. I had my Dad's brother read over it beforehand incase he wanted to add anything and he just asked me to add somewhere that my Dad "had a zest for life", just summed him up so well. I'm so angry with God or whoever for taking him, I still need him here as does my Mom and I hate that I get left behind. I always went on vacation with my parents, in fact last year I had 2 with just me and Dad .....kinda ironic really, was the first time ever it was just the 2 of us. I hate that I will never have that again and I just don't know how to do all this without him, it's pointless to me, my Mom is all that keeps me hanging on.

I wish I had advice for you, for anyone grieving such a huge loss but I just don't think there are any words. The one thing I will say is to be kind to yourself now and know that any feelings you have are "normal", however strange they may feel. Maybe do some research on grief, I did a lot after the first few weeks because I just had no clue what was happening to me physicall and emotionally. One book I recommend to anyone grieving is How to survive your grief....it's just a simple easy to read almost reference type book on the various feelings and emotions. Lets you know that you that all the feelings are normal.

Your photos are beautiful, I am glad your Daddy got to be there with you on your special day.

sending you hugs, love and peace hun and hope you keep sharing. I know this site has been a lifeline for me and my grief,

niamh

[Daughter2010]

Kim,

My condolences on your dad's passing. I lost mine to cancer 7 months ago, he was 58 yrs old and even though it was an expected event it does not make it any easier on my grief. My dad was so full of life, never smoked or drank, exercised regularly and was a wonderful father to me. I miss him so much and wished things were different.

At 7 months, I just feel there are precious moments my dad is missing out on because he is not here with the family. I do not understand why he was the first one to go. It still hurts, I just wished we would be able to fix things and be able to anticipate events...but we can't.

I am taking it one day at a time. I hope you do too. I noticed since Dad left, I have gained weight, about 8-10 lbs. something unusual for me. It is result of not exercising or wanting to do anything. I guess we all have different reactions physical, psychological and behavioral.

I am glad you found this website. In the past 5 months, this place has been my lifeline. There are a lot of people that do understand what you are going through, feel free to come by and drop us a line whenever.

Big hug for you,

-L

[EllenB]

Hi Kim,

I am sorry for the loss of your father. It will take time for you to heal and it will get easier but you will never forget him. I lost my dad in May 2001 also from a heart attack. It was devestating. I was very close with him and I used to talk to him at least 2-3 times a day. He used to sing to me on the phone and he had the worst voice and he knew it, so that's why he did it.

The loss of him has had to be the most devestating thing that has happened in my entire life. It feels like a chunk of me has been taken and will never be replaced. I think about him every single day. I have a picture of him that I see every day and I talk to him out loud. I wish I could see him now because I have few things to talk to him about. He passed in May 2001. After death, you have family around and you talk about your loved one, think about memories and laugh, but then you go back to the real world. My first experience was at CVS. I needed a card for one of my daughters and then I turned around and saw cards for Fathers Day. Wow, I will never buy one of those again. Suttle little things like that happen. They hit you in the face.

All I can say is that the pain seems unbearable now. Each day it gets a bit better. I know it's hard to imagine, but it does get easier and it does get better. Time is your healer. Your dad is going to live inside of you forever. Your stories about him, the way you act, just the person that you are is part of him. You will say things that were things that he used to say. If you have children, you tell them things about their grandpa.

He is around looking upon you; try to feel that.

Again, time.....take it one day at a time...it will get easier, I promise.

Ellen

[slinkybink]

Oh, and YES...Father's Day! My husband's mother, God love her, was talking to me on the phone Monday night about a cookout the family was having for the "father's" of the family this weekend at Scott's middle brother's house. She kept going on, and on, and on about Father's Day. If I could have reached through the phone I would have choked her! I FINALLY was able to cut her off to express my hurt. She was "so sorry", but then said, "So do you think you will come"?

I plan to attend church...although I KNOW that will be a hard one...the sermon will undoubtedly be about fathers in one way or the other. I would imagine that will about be enough for me.

[loulou]

This happened to me.My fiance's mom was talking about father's day,and a cookout and kept going on and on.I kept trying to say that my dad just died,(she knows,she was at the funeral)and she kept talking right through me.She didn't even think of my dad,or my pain.I finally spoke up saying"I'm not doing ANYTHING,my DAD just died."she then shut up.She was so worried about her cookout,and doesn't even care about my situation.People are great:wacko:.I want to go to my grandparents grave site.Or crawl in a hole that day.I would go to churh,but I always cry so much at church anymore.

[slinkybink]

Took yesterday and today off of work just because. Glad I did...knew I was exhausted, but had no idea I was THIS exhausted. My internal alarm always gets me up by no later than 7am...yesterday I awoke at 830am and this morning it was 845am. My body and mind is definitely tired. Yesterday I put on some internet radio...piano solos and just relaxed and read my grief healing books. My dad's dad (Grandpa) called at about 6pm, and from then until bedtime I could not quit crying. I had no idea I was keeping so much pent up inside me. It felt good to get it out, and my husband was great...just held me until I fell asleep. Still feel a bit raw this morning, but better. Eyes are puffy as you know what though....ugh. I wrote a letter to my dad telling him how angry I was about how he just up and left me and Angie like he did and how we were all supposed to do fun things together this summer and now we couldn't. Part of me feels relieved to get that out and part of me feels guilty for getting on him like that. I know anger is a normal part of the grieving process...but WOW...I am REALLY angry! It's no wonder I am so tired.

[Cheryl]

My father also died suddenly, 5 years ago. He had been up to visit me from Tucson the day before. We had a wonderful time. My mom phoned the next day crying and said," dad died". I thought she meant her dad, who was in the hospital. It took a five minute conversation for me to realize she meant my dad. He was 65 years old. My world seemed shattered for a very long time. I now know that my father's death prepared me for another tragedy. My husband was killed in a motorcycle accident 10 months ago at the age of 49. I now thank my father for passing first and welcoming my sweet husband to the other side. They loved each other so much. Please be patient with yourself and know your father loved you so very much. Cheryl

[niamh]

I wrote a letter to my dad telling him how angry I was about how he just up and left me and Angie like he did and how we were all supposed to do fun things together this summer and now we couldn't. Part of me feels relieved to get that out and part of me feels guilty for getting on him like that. I know anger is a normal part of the grieving process...but WOW...I am REALLY angry! It's no wonder I am so tired.

hi slinkybink,

I too feel like that at times, I feel like he just deserted me here, left me alone without so much as a goodbye/see you later and went off to some happy place while I'm left to pick up the pieces. I get very angry about it while at the same time I know it wasn't exactly his fault ...it's confusing to say the least. I write to my Dad regularly and I've really let rip in some of those letters.I think we also grieve the loss of all those future plans which have now suddenly vanished aswell.

It is so exhausting, such a mixed bag of emotions, sometimes I find some conflicting ones at the same time (if that makes any sense )

hugs to you dear,

niamh