Losing The Most Important Person In My Life

[Arei]

This past Thursday my grandmother passed away. They found she had stage 4 colon cancer in November 2008. At the start of this year they found her treatments had stopped working and tried some more but they continued to do nothing and her body eventually shut down. She was a bit over a month away from 62. She was always extremely active, and healthy otherwise.

My Grams was everything to me: my parent and teacher, she did everything for me. She cared about me when others didn't, and she was the only person hin the world I could talk to or come to and wouldn't be pushed away from.

Now I am left alone to grieve her passing and figure out how to heal and move on without anyone else's help.

I would like someone to talk to, but no one will comfort me. I can try to talk to my mom or grandpa but they're of no emotional support whatsoever. My friends look and sound distant, but I really know its because they cannot relate to what I'm going through. No one's ever been able to relate to the things that have happened to me before.

I thought I would be ok but now I am as I feared I would get: cold, lonely, and hopeless.

My mom being laid off back in April and having to mess with insurance has left me without the medicines I need to stay feeling physically well, but hopefully that will be resolved soon @_@ But it made this initial period much worse.

Yesterday I went through an overwhelming stage of wanting to break everything and harm myself. It calmed down, and I took the mood stabilizer I used to take (I havent needed it anymore and I won't after awhile, but this is probably the worst thing that could happen to set me off back down a road of anxiety and stress), but that's leaving me so fatigued I had to fight to get around today. And I'm still very angry, but not as bad as I felt yesterday.

Went through a period of seeing psychiatrists and what not over anxiety, wasn't helpful, medicine didn't work, so don't just suggest that.

I'm just so incredibly sad this had to happen. I knew it was coming for awhile, but it just feels so empty.

I have other things plaguing my mind I need to resolve (unrelated) but I can't handle any backlash from my family thinking I'm thinking because of grief and not rationally (this is not true, as I have been needing to resolve these feelings for over a year now) which adds to my frustration.

IS there a way to heal without anyone but God as your outlet? I don't expect to get comfort or attention from anyone else, even if I ask for it (which I have).

So... this is an extremely terrible time. I miss her so much. I wasn't thinking I would be overwhelmed with frustration and pain upon the realization I had no one to depend on anymore.

I hate crying in front of other people, especially bawling. I did not carry on at the funeral, is making a scene the only way to get attention? Because I sure don't get any even if I ask.

[jodo]

Dear Arei, I am so sorry about your Grandma, and know exactly the pain you are feeling. I lost my Grandma in 2007, and It was devastating! She was like my best friend !! I saw her everyday and enjoyed every minute with her. My Grandma was a lot older than yours though, It's just not fair that she was taken so young. I wish I had some suggestions for you , unfortunately, I don't ! I am grieving the loss of my Dad right now (He died just 6 months ago) and I cry every single day. The pain is still unbearable. I do think it is healthy to cry ( I hope you can do that?) and I'm finding it helpful to talk out loud to my Dad (when I'm by myself !) Also, you might try going to a local support group (it's just nice to have others,besides family to talk to, and "let it all out"!!) Well, I hope you find peace, I'm not gonna lie - It's a rough road we're walking ! Hugs and love to you !! Jodi

[Kavish]

Hi Arei,

The only way I find myself to go ahead is to believe that my loved one believes in me and will want me to live for them till we meet again. I believe that our loved ones are always here and everywhere although we can not see them.

Take care,

Kavish

[MartyT]

Dear One,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know how old you are, but since your grandmother was only 61 when she died, I get the impression that you're fairly young. You say that your grandmother was the only person who was always there for you, and now you have no one to turn to for the attention and support you so desperately need. If you're still in school, is there a guidance counselor on staff, or a trusted teacher or clergy person who would be willing to listen to you, or someone who could point you to whatever grief resources might be available in your community? Grief leaves us feeling so terribly isolated and alone, but it's important to find someone (even if it's only one other person) with whom you can share it. Being a part of this wonderful online family is a very good first step, but by itself it may not be enough to meet your needs. Jodi's suggestion about finding an "in person" support group is a good one, and I hope you will consider it. See, for example, Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You.

[SHeiss]

Arei,

I am so very sorry about the loss of your grandmother. I cannot even begin to imagine as I am very close with my grandma as well and I think I would be in the same boat as you if she were to pass. I wish I had some comforting words for you to help you with your pain. But, there are no words I can say to you that will make you feel any better. All I am able to do is offer my ears to listen and love and compassion for you and your feelings.

Welcome to the site. I hope you find as much love and comfort here as I have. It is so very nice to have a place to just vent to people who know at least somewhat of how you are feeling. I have managed to make a couple friends here even. We are all here for each other to help cope with our pain and get through it. Know that we are all here for you and we all care about you!

I hope this helped you at least a little. I am glad to hear that today is a better day than yesterday.

Much love and a huge hug from me to you!

-Sharla