Momof4 Posted July 1, 2010 Report Share Posted July 1, 2010 I've sat here and read many of you talk about your hurt. I've cried through everyone of your stories. I'M NOT ALONE!!! My grieving process has been a hard one. My Mom had a stroke on December 12th! She had been ill off and on for 10 years. She had a liver transplant on April 19th, 1999. I've tried to prepare myself knowing this day would come. To be honest I guess there is no way of preparing yourself for something you feel God has in his hands. I guess I felt he would just fix her problem like he did so many times. I prayed more than a dozen times for a miracle and I seen at least 2 miracles that were out of the doctors hands be done on my Mom. I guess when she had this stroke I thought it was going to be the same way. God wouldn't take her at Christmas time. Christmas is the one time of year my Mom made amazing. She raised us to believe in Jesus Christ, she had a relationship with God and there was know way God would give us a bad memory of Christmas! On December 20th, we were told her body was shutting down. Mom was able to communicate with us and she made the choice to give up. I remember sitting in her room alone as she held my hand and told me baby, I'm tired of fighting. I cried and told her not to leave me. Life is not the same without a mother. She was worried about Dad and asked me to help Dad get through this. I've always been the child who helps everyone out and thinks of others before myself. My mother was the same way! That was the last day I spoke to my Mom. She was put into a medicated coma, which I felt was terrible. I couldn't understand how they could just have her quit all her meds and start her on high does of morphine. How can that be okay? There were several times I would put the wet sponge on her lips and tongue and she would suck on it. I don't know if it were reflex or if she still new I was there but I tried. Her legs were so swollen which I guess was one of the signs everything was shutting down. I sat for hours rubbing her legs and I would hear her moan every once in awhile if I would stop. I think I was making her feel better. I come from a family of 6 kids. We all took our turns in caring for Mom. I had spent 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in the hospital. I new it was Christmas Eve night and that I needed to be at home for awhile with my own 4 children. They needed me there as I had no interest in being there because I wanted every last minute with my Mom! It was a blizzard in Kansas this past Christmas. I made it to my inlaws about 20 mins from the hospital. I had a GREAT evening with my kids as I watched them open their gifts. They layed out Cookies for Santa and I got to lay out their Santa Christmas gifts before going to sleep. I got a call at 4:00a.m. asking me to come back to the hospital. I missed Christmas morning with my kids. I wasn't there to see them hold up their new swim suits and the letter that said we were going to Great Wolf Lodge. The water park hotel they had been wanting to go to so bad, and we saved to take them. Bad part was we had already paid for it and we were to leave Christmas night to stay there. I was at the hospital all day long. My husband and kids picked me up at 4:00 to head to Kansas City. I left the hospital with guilt but everyone insisted thats where Momma would want me to be. Before leaving I kissed my Moms forehead, I hugged her knowing in my heart there was a chance I wouldn't get to see her again. I prayed so hard God would keep her around until I got back the next afternoon. I wanted to be there. To hold her hand when Jesus took her away. I didn't make it! I got a text on my phone from my sister at 5:00am that Mom had went to be with Jesus! My children all woke and we all laid in bed and held each other knowing that she was not hurting no more. I did go ahead and the the kids swim and play in the water park most of the morning. I even got in with them and did some water slides knowing once we got home everything was going to be focused on funeral plans and taking care of Dad. You know I try to tell myself that things are getting better. My birthday in January was terrible not getting that phone call, Easter she always made so very specail, It took me 4 months to beable to walk into Kohls which was her favorite place to shop, April 19th I went and placed flowers on her grave site to remember the 10 extra years God gave me with her......Mothers Day was terrible as it was my 1st without a Mom. June 13th was my wedding anniversary and her birthday! It doesn't get easier. There are days I just wonder how I can go on. Days I want to scream at the world and tell everyone I want her back! Days when I'm angry because people alot older than me still have their Mom. I'm only 33, I still need her!!! I'm trying to prepare my self for the harder holidays that will be coming up. Thanksgiving and then Christmas! Mom made the holidays sooooo special and as bad as I will hurt I want to make sure my children don't see me hurt! I don't want them to think of Christmas as a time when Mommy gets sad because Grandma Judy died! I have along way to go, but reading others stories, it comforting to know I'M NOT ALONE!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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