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I'm Not Alone!

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I've sat here and read many of you talk about your hurt. I've cried through everyone of your stories. I'M NOT ALONE!!! My grieving process has been a hard one. My Mom had a stroke on December 12th! She had been ill off and on for 10 years. She had a liver transplant on April 19th, 1999. I've tried to prepare myself knowing this day would come. To be honest I guess there is no way of preparing yourself for something you feel God has in his hands. I guess I felt he would just fix her problem like he did so many times. I prayed more than a dozen times for a miracle and I seen at least 2 miracles that were out of the doctors hands be done on my Mom. I guess when she had this stroke I thought it was going to be the same way. God wouldn't take her at Christmas time. Christmas is the one time of year my Mom made amazing. She raised us to believe in Jesus Christ, she had a relationship with God and there was know way God would give us a bad memory of Christmas! On December 20th, we were told her body was shutting down. Mom was able to communicate with us and she made the choice to give up. I remember sitting in her room alone as she held my hand and told me baby, I'm tired of fighting. I cried and told her not to leave me. Life is not the same without a mother. She was worried about Dad and asked me to help Dad get through this. I've always been the child who helps everyone out and thinks of others before myself. My mother was the same way! That was the last day I spoke to my Mom. She was put into a medicated coma, which I felt was terrible. I couldn't understand how they could just have her quit all her meds and start her on high does of morphine. How can that be okay? There were several times I would put the wet sponge on her lips and tongue and she would suck on it. I don't know if it were reflex or if she still new I was there but I tried. Her legs were so swollen which I guess was one of the signs everything was shutting down. I sat for hours rubbing her legs and I would hear her moan every once in awhile if I would stop. I think I was making her feel better. I come from a family of 6 kids. We all took our turns in caring for Mom. I had spent 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in the hospital. I new it was Christmas Eve night and that I needed to be at home for awhile with my own 4 children. They needed me there as I had no interest in being there because I wanted every last minute with my Mom! It was a blizzard in Kansas this past Christmas. I made it to my inlaws about 20 mins from the hospital. I had a GREAT evening with my kids as I watched them open their gifts. They layed out Cookies for Santa and I got to lay out their Santa Christmas gifts before going to sleep. I got a call at 4:00a.m. asking me to come back to the hospital. I missed Christmas morning with my kids. I wasn't there to see them hold up their new swim suits and the letter that said we were going to Great Wolf Lodge. The water park hotel they had been wanting to go to so bad, and we saved to take them. Bad part was we had already paid for it and we were to leave Christmas night to stay there. I was at the hospital all day long. My husband and kids picked me up at 4:00 to head to Kansas City. I left the hospital with guilt but everyone insisted thats where Momma would want me to be. Before leaving I kissed my Moms forehead, I hugged her knowing in my heart there was a chance I wouldn't get to see her again. I prayed so hard God would keep her around until I got back the next afternoon. I wanted to be there. To hold her hand when Jesus took her away. I didn't make it! I got a text on my phone from my sister at 5:00am that Mom had went to be with Jesus! My children all woke and we all laid in bed and held each other knowing that she was not hurting no more. I did go ahead and the the kids swim and play in the water park most of the morning. I even got in with them and did some water slides knowing once we got home everything was going to be focused on funeral plans and taking care of Dad. You know I try to tell myself that things are getting better. My birthday in January was terrible not getting that phone call, Easter she always made so very specail, It took me 4 months to beable to walk into Kohls which was her favorite place to shop, April 19th I went and placed flowers on her grave site to remember the 10 extra years God gave me with her......Mothers Day was terrible as it was my 1st without a Mom. June 13th was my wedding anniversary and her birthday! It doesn't get easier. There are days I just wonder how I can go on. Days I want to scream at the world and tell everyone I want her back! Days when I'm angry because people alot older than me still have their Mom. I'm only 33, I still need her!!! I'm trying to prepare my self for the harder holidays that will be coming up. Thanksgiving and then Christmas! Mom made the holidays sooooo special and as bad as I will hurt I want to make sure my children don't see me hurt! I don't want them to think of Christmas as a time when Mommy gets sad because Grandma Judy died! I have along way to go, but reading others stories, it comforting to know I'M NOT ALONE!!!

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Hi Momof4,

Your post is so sad! I am so sorry for your loss of your Mom! HUGS! (((((((( )))))))).

I just lost my Mom almost a month ago. I simply can't take it! I want to SCREAM all the time!

I can relate to you not wanting to go to Kohl's. My Mom had a Walgreen's where she used to always go and supermarket where she used to go. I have to go to these places and there is no avoiding them because they are near our house (I still consider it her house too and always will!). It kills me driving past them and going inside of them.

And holidays.

I can't begin to think about what they will be without her. Christmas, Easter, Birthdays...she always made them special. Her birthday is this Saturday and I don't know how I will get through it. She would have only been 84. But I am glad to say that I always treated her birthdays and holidays as if they might be the last. Always gave her a cake, cards, presents, flowers...everything I could think of.

It sounds like you are doing a great job with your children in dealing with this. I have no kids and am the youngest in my family. I feel like nobody understands how hard I am taking this. I mean, there are days where I can barely function. I don't want to wake up in the morning and I don't want to go to sleep at night. I wake up every single morning feeling nothing but heartache, grief and despair.

It sounds like you have a strong support group. You will have that here too.

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hi Momof4,

I am so sorry about the loss of you sweet Mom. I am glad you found your way to this site and glad you know you are not so alone now, it's about the only thing that gives me some little comfort these days.

I can relate so much when you talk about God not taking her at Christmas time. I lost my Daddy on 17th December 2009 (I still feel shocked writing it), he absolutely adored Christmas and we had so many plans yet without warning he was taken, my life destroyed forever. My Mom & I were right there at the moment they stopped doing CPR and called it ......I just thought "NO, NOT AT CHRISTMAS TIME". Not that I don't think any time of the year would make it better really and Christmas will always be horrible now. Only the day before it happened I was sympathising with my boss on the loss of his mother-in-law and saying what a horrific time of the year to lose someone. I will never ever understand while I am on this earth.

I'm sorry you didn't get to be with your Mom. I too wish so much that I had been with my Dad in his last minutes, but he was long gone before we even got the call from the hospital. I hate thinking and wondering how he was feeling in his last hours and minutes, I wonder if he knew, if he was in pain, if he was scared and I wish I could ask him. Nothing scared my Dad but I wonder so much about those last seconds, if he knew he was leaving me.

I also relate so much when you talk about going to your Mom's favourite shop. My family had a weekly tradition of going to a well renowned local chipper, had been going there since I was kid. Don't think I ever went longer than 1 month without a visit. I have not been there since, I just cannot bring myself to go in. Part of me is so afraid they will ask where my Dad has been as they would have known him well and I could not cope with saying it, other part of me just can't bare the thoughts of my Dad not being there to eat his favourite chicken supper with me ....we often shared food from there.

Like you I am only 35 (single and no children) and I just want my Dad back, end of story, I know there is no good age to lose a parent but dammit I feel so robbed only having him for half my life, that's not fair when others get to have their parents for 50-60 years.

well, I am glad you found us here and I hope you will continue to find comfort sharing reading and sharing with us. I have no magic words for you but I will send you lots of love and hugs,


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You know trying to understand death is sooooo hard!!! As i was growing up the only close person I ever lost was my favorite Grandma when I was 8! In the last 15 years of my 33 years I've lost a Grandpa from cancer, Grandma from intestinal disease, Aunt from cancer, Aunt stroke, cousin(31) from brain tumor, 3 friends from high school, one suicide, one eatting disorder, one muscular dis., my lil nephew December 6th, 2008 age 3 from Vulvules rare stomach disorder we never even new about, and then my Mom this December. My favorite uncle has been fighting lung cancer since October! I remember my Mom telling me I never thought I would out live your uncle Sam. She didn't, and I miss her soooo much! I'm so scared the good Lord is trying to tell us something. I've been so angery and I need to let go of these feelings. I know its not Gods fault my Mother had died or any of these other people that meant so much to me. But man how do I let the anger go? Thats my focus in my healing process! I want that relationship with God back and I know I need to open my heart back up to him so I can begin healing! Its so easy to shut your heart up and not let anyone in because you're affraid of getting hurt again! I miss so many of these people and I would have never of guessed in a MILLION years that losing my Mom would hurt this bad!!! I crave her gentle touch the way she rub my arm and tell me she loved me. I would love to be 5 years old again and sneek into her room to tell her I had a bad dream just so she would lift the blankets up and let me crawl in besider her! Its amazing the lil things you miss!!! She was a very beautiful woman and I hope I am half the mom she was to me!!

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Hi mom of 4.I'm a mom of 2 with one on the way.I know what you mean by not wanting your kids to see you sad.My dad died suddenly on his job,new years day.Today marks 6 months.My dad was very close to me.We live 5 min. away,and talked everyday.He has kids my kids age.I'm having a hard time of it.I still cry daily.I wish I could have been with him at the end,but I only made it in time to id him at the hospital.My birthday was in Jan too and it was the most lonely day.I wish I could feel better.I'm actually ruining every relationship I have.My grief is effecting others.I wish I could stop being so devastated but the fact that my grief makes others mad kinda hurts me.I'm kinda lost right now,dont know how to say what I feel,just wanted to welcome you here...its my life line.

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Hello momof4,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom 7 months ago. There are times I am so busy and distracted by my 2 kids that I think to myself "wow am I finally getting past all this"? Impossible!!! This website is wonderful. I think that if I didn't find this site, I might have just absolutely lost my mind. It's crazy....I was reading your story while my 9 year old sits nearby behind me. I was absolutely quiet with tears streaming down my face when she came over to me and started rubbing my back to console me. How did she know? I don't break down often at all in front of my kids but, I think it's a learning lesson for her - being 9 she will remember the loss of her grandma forever. Maybe she'll remember how she saw me act when it's her time to grieve and feel that she is normal. I don't know, just a babbling thought.

I was not able to be with my mom either when she passed. She was in hospice while my dad was having major surgery and was supposed to go and bring her home after he recovered - he never made it. We live far from each other. I didn't get word from the Dr. until that day that he gave her 3 - 5 days. 3 - 5 days?!!! I was shocked. Looking back I don't know why I was shocked. My family and I went into action and were on the plane as soon as possible. We were too late. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. She came to me in a dream and told me she was ok and was smiling. It was a wonderful dream but, how do I let go of the guilty feelings? Having grown up catholic it hard to let go of the guilt. I don't think it will ever go away until she can tell me herself "face to face".

I think it is great that you were with your mom and made her comfortable in her last days. I'm sure she really appreciated it. I can't help but think of the story you told about your mom lifting up the blanket to let you in after having a bad dream. My mom would actually fall asleep with me and if I would wake up in the night, she would come and lay with me in my bed until I feel asleep again. This would happen many times a night, everynight. She never complained. I sure do miss her. I really does seem unreal at times.

Anyway, welcome to this site and hope to be reading more posts from you soon.

Always remember you are definitely NOT alone.


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Tomorrow is another one of those bumps in the road! July 8, is my parents wedding anniversary! It would have been 44th! She and dad were very young when they married but that didn't by any means effect the love they had for each other. What that did was set an amazing example for my husband and I! My husband and I were high school sweet hearts. Been married 12 years this past June and been together 17 years! I think the hard part with tomorrow is trying to get my dad through the day! His 1st anniversary in 44 years without the love of his life! I pray the Good Lord helps him through this very important day, and as I know the tears will fall for him this day I bought him a Happy Anniversary card and made sure to write in it how his and moms love affected me. How wonderful the two of them are! And not only how it has impacted my life but my husbands life. Before marrying me my husband could never remember his dad telling his mom he loved her. He couldn't remember his dad telling him that he loved him. His mom never really did either! My parents taught us to be proud of it! Now that we have kids we see the love the kids have for my husbands parents! They never leave without giving Grandma and Grandad hugs,kisses, and each one of my 4 kids say I love you! Its nice to hear them say I love you too!!! This past year after my Mom passing my Mother in law told me the most beautiful thing she will remember about my Mom is the love she expressed to me and I share with my kids so that now she gets to share too through my children! She said nothing feels better than hearing the words I Love you! And that was something I heard my parents say everyday! Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!!!

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