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Never Ending Paperwork

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The love of my life, my common-law husband, died at age 45 on May 16, 2010 and of course his affairs are not in order. There is and will be so much to do. As I take a step and another of this journey of doing things I shouldn't be doing, it just shatters me. Today, I made 3 phone calls just trying to change my Work Benefits Plan, removing Michael as my dependent and to change my beneficiary, by the 3rd person, I'm in tears, sobbing - they don't understand it is so hard to say out-loud, my husband has died over and over again to strangers... I've also in the morning had to "prove" our relationship by bringing documents to the Government offices, I know I'll have to do the same with regards to his work pension and once his Estate is in Probate, I then have to fight his sister (sole beneficiary of a will dated long, long ago) for my rights as his wife - luckily, the lawyers take care of that... However, each time I do anything, it's like ripping my heart out once again and it tears me apart. This just shouldn't be happening and I so just want to have a day of no tears, a night of solid sleep and just a little time where I don't feel so alone and lost without Michael. I don't understand, how he would leave me in such pain, with a broken heart and a soul not interested in life. I'm trying to be "strong", trying to keep busy, trying to "do" things, in everything it is just the motions, my heart and soul are suspended in the surreal land of grief. Everything just hurts. Thanks for listening. Deb

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Hang in there Deb, I just spent the last month going over the same things you are describing, nothing like adding insult to injury. You will get through it. I just kept taking one thing off the pile per day and worked on that until it was done. It does get old telling these people what our business is ten times over each phone call, sometimes it feels like they are trying to wear me down. It pays to be persistent and to have all of your documents at hands reach at all times, I have been fortunate to have some pretty helpful people from time to time it hasn't all been bad. God Bless and take care.


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Deb, I know exactly what you mean. I lost my soul mate on April 24. I have had no one to help me with the paper work and it is overwhelming. I feels like such an invasion of privacy when I have to tell total strangers that I have lost him. A couple of things that I did that helped: I started a notebook that I keep next to the phone anytime I talk to anyone I write down a description of what was said, who I spoke to, date and time of call. It helps me keep everything straight, also comes in helpful when they try to play dumb and say I never called. The second thing is I started folders for the paperwork. Insurance folder, employer folder, to do folder etc. It has given me some sort of a sense of control and has helped ease the strss a little.

I honestly think that everyone who is going throgh this ordeal should be given a personal secretary for six months. I know that is the impossible dream. But, we don't need to deal with paperwork when we are dealing with such horrible grief.

Hang in there, and hope this helps a little.

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Dear Deb,

I totally understand what you are going through. It does feel like throwing salt in the wound with all the paperwork. Hang in, take breaks, and even put it totally away for a day. You are here with a collective group of people who understand. I am just so sorry for your loss. You are not alone.

Courage to you.


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i too hate those phone calls,these strangers could care less what i'm feeling

because they have never had the life sucked out of them.

i get upset with the remarks " i'm so sorry" for your loss,these people are working to get a paycheck.

there should be 1 phone number that we could call & take care of everything.

my life as i knew it is gone forever,my days are lonely my nights are long & sleepless.

i'm sorry if i sound sour on life

my joy is gone,it was 1 month yesterday since my danny went to heaven.friday will be our 19th wedding anv.

i wish i could pull the covers over my head & sleep that day away.

i hope things get easier for you.

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Thank you all for your support and for this group of "like" people going through this journey. I am sorry for all our losses and thankful for the understanding that comes from all the posts here. I just wish we all didn't have to be going through any of this.

I know I'm now 6 weeks into this journey and I'm still waiting for a good nights sleep, a day without tears, the simple will to cook a meal, and just hoping for a moment where I feel "human again" where I don't miss my Michael and our future we no longer have...

Sincerely, Debby

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Greetings deb,

The learning curves you will find get easier in the passage of time. I found filing the taxation forms were hard snd complicated, my husband use to fill all the documentations so I had to seek help to get the form sorted and filled.

I was amazed at how kind the folks at the taxation office was,I lost it when I had to sign the forms with the name 'deceased' tears just fell and it poured, fortunately the staff were understanding and waited till I was ready to finished what had to be done.

Being upfront to whoever I was speaking, telling them of my recent loss made it much easier when it came to seeking help, as the staff went the extra mile to assist. I found this more so, when I make it a point of fronting up to the office and speaking face to face then through the phone.

I ensure I only handle the bills, forms,legal documentations, whatever that need urgent attention first, putting each folder documents individually, makes it easier for reference. The next day I proceed with another lot and so on, then you will find you are not laden with a big paper load.

Treating each problem as a challenge helps, there are folks willing to give a Helping Hand,the main thing is not be afraid to ask, if you get a no, try someone else, but don't give up.

In His Loving grip.

golden 48

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I don't know what was worse - when folks on the other end were simply businesslike, or when they were genuinely distressed for me.

I still have paperwork to deal with - I continue to avoid what doesn't have to be dealt with immediately. Sigh - eventually I will get it done.


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