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Why Does It Feel Worse And Worse Instead Of Better?

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It's been over 4 months that my Joel was taken unexpectedly and without warning. Everyone says "give yourself a break - it will take time to heal"

I am functioning - working, meeting up with friends, spending time w/family, taking time for some solitude.....but I am not healing. Often, I feel as if the awful reality of his never coming back makes me close to insane - I want to scream, tug at my hair and yell at God or the Universe or whoever it was that gave us such false hope that everything was going so well then just took him away. I sometimes get this feeling in the pit of my stomach - this horrendous emptiness and hollowness that is so strong I feel as if I will lose my balance. Friends are at the "you must now start to define who you are" stage....I know they mean well, but I know who Iam - a woman who is seriously pining for her love of over 45 years. All the business is only a cover up for the unbearable loneliness I am feeling. What should I do? How do I cope? I've read many 'dealing with grief' books, been active in several group bereavement sessions, met with counselors 1 on 1....and I can still find no peace...no hope...he would not be happy that I'm inwardly unable to move forward. Can anyone help?

Alone 27

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Dear Alone 27,

i'm so sorry you are in such pain,

your words touched my heart,my loving husband passed away June 7th.

i am so totally lost in this journey of grief.

he was the love of my life,we enjoyed sharing our life together.

i just am at a loss as to what am i suppose to do now ? nothing matters anymore.

i am here for you if you want to vent

sometimes i am so angery that other women have their husband & mine is no longer with me to share the things we enjoyed doing together.

angel hugs

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Four months is just a blink of time, but also a lifetime, isn't it? I found the best thing I could do was not to expect to feel better at any certain time. There is no specific time frame, as I am sure most here can attest to - this is your journey, no one elses. At 13 months, I've been having several 'moments' over the last week - at work, on the bus, walking home, in the evening, argh... and torturing myself reading old emails. I don't know if I am healing, but I suppose I am getting used to this different life. I can tell you that the loss and grief are no longer pervasive; I am able to do other things, at least temporarily, without my sadness residing loudly in the background. My sadness is still there, but it is usually residing more quietly.

Hang in there,


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Alone 27, I am so sorry for your loss. Korina is right, there is no certain time line for any of this. Each person is different, and our healing will also be different. I am not sure that any of us ever heal totally, but I do think at some point this heavy feeling in my chest will ease a little. I miss my Michael so very much, he was 62, and we had been married almost 20 years. He died alone while I was in hospital recovering from total knee replacement. They tell me he was gone in an instant. He was so much fun, and we enjoyed being in community theater together. There are days that I feel I am doing better, and then suddenly I drop back 6 months to January 13th, and it is like a bad dream that never goes away. I function, I work, I visit with friends and relatives, but he is always in the front of my mind.

None of us wanted to be in this club, we did not seek membership, but here we are, and we just have to do the best we can I guess. My best is not very good right now, but that is all any of us can do. I dread the empty house in the evenings. Even though he worked 4 evenings a week, at least I knew he would be home in the morning. I always had his breakfast ready at 6.

Sorry did not mean to ramble on, I do understand your grief and pain, as we all do, and wanted you to know you are not alone.

Praying for all of us in this club.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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I'm so sorry for what you're going through...we have been there. I used to hate it when people would say, "It just takes time" because that didn't help me in the here and now. Unfortunately, they were right. My question was, "What do I do to survive NOW?!" And to that I usually hear a big resounding...nothing. But with the caring people here on this site, my faith (which seemed to elude me but was actually lurking in the background), I learned some things. I learned to focus on the present moment...not to take too big a bite, I couldn't worry about the whole future, only deal with what I could, right now. I learned to carry George inside of me, as a comfort...but it took a long time for me to accomplish that...in the beginning every thought of him brought immense pain and tears, but somewhere way down the road, I could remember his supportiveness and encouragement and love, and that comfort I carried inside of me to help me face life. I learned to accept help wherever it was offered. I no longer had him to do half the chores, the heavy lifting, the mechanical things I'm so NOT good at! So if anyone offered help, all thought of pride and independence went out the window and I gratefully accepted. I learned to do some things I hadn't before and hire out some things. Amazingly, God showed me answers to some problems and let me know He was there to turn to...but again, that took time for me, because I think it was about a year before I could even reach Him...I wasn't exactly super happy with Him for taking George without even consulting me. :) But He understood that. I learned to give place to what was inside of me...to express myself, vent, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do to get it out and not keep it bottled up. I took walks to let out energy. I used creativity to express myself. I learned to control what I could in an effort to re-balance the power that had been stripped from me. Each of us has to find our own way, but it really helped me to know we were walking this journey together.

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Dear Alone,

I lost my husband on April 6, so i am still on a roller coaster, I also do things, work, out to diner, kids, grandkids, the whole thing, but there is a hole in my heart, and nothing none of it can fix or heal it., I keep looking for answers and peace, but there is none. I guess we have to take it one day at a time, like we have heard a million times. we don't have much of a choice.

take care


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KayC - Thank you for such a thoughtful and caring message - I truly appreciate. Right now, it all seems so impossible to absorb - I'm so deeply depressed - but your words bring solace and comfort. I read all your responses carefully - they have so much wisdom and deep, genuine caring.......

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