Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

I Am In So Much Pain!


Recommended Posts

I lost my 16yr old Corgi mix on monday. I was at work and my adult son let him out and forgot him and he died from the heat. I found him when I got home. He had an enlarged heart due to old age and panted all the time anyway. He was arthritic and would only go out onto the deck to use the bathroom. He was doing so well I really thought I would get a few more years out of him. I was determined that he would not die a horrible death and would have euthanized him if he got to the point where life wasn't good anymore, but when I got 2 other younger dogs he came to life. He loved to go to the dog park and take rides in a stroller when I walked the other dogs. I am haunted by the way he died. My son is torn up too but he was my baby. I feel I let him down and I can only hope that if there is an afterlife and dogs are included, that he has forgiven us. I just don't know how I will ever get over this. Losing him was bad enought but to lose him this way is just too painful. I can't part with his bed but it hurts to have it there too.Please tell me how to ease this horrible pain!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi, I am sorry I dont know your name.

May I offer another way to look at this for you to consider?

I had an epithany when I read in Cesar Millan's book "Cesar's Way", about his view that animals do not reguard death the same way we humans do. I had to wonder if my desparate attachments to my dogs were keeping them with me to the point that I had to be the one to decide to euthanize them to end their suffering. for me, the act of having to euthanize my dog is my deepest pain. I worked hard to change not only my mindset, by my emotional and spiritual feelings about this end of life jouney.

So I ended up talking to my dogs, letting them know when they were ready they had to find a way to let me know. Letting them know that I valued every moment and also that our journey didnt end when they went to the rainbow bridge, only changed.

With my last two, both who had cancer, the first I swear tricked me into taking her to the vet. I asked them to assess where she was at, they suggested we go eat while they were running some tests. The vet called while we were eating, Foxie's heart just stopped for no clear reason while she was on the table, they wanted to know if they should continue, but I knew that was her way of helping me to let go.

Just last March, my therapy dog Junebug who had been in remission from her t-cell lymphoma, started her spirial down in a matter of days. It was so gentle I wasnt sure. I went to teach a class and when I came home, five hours later, this clearly was to be her last day. After four hours, I knew I had to take her in to euthanize her because she was suffering. I held her while Steve drove. She passed away literally 15 seconds before we pulled into the vets. her gift to me I am so clear, her gratitude was to take that choice from me.

For me there is the pain of guilt, fear and anxiety if I am doing the right things and making the right choices for my beloved dogs. Then there is thepain of loss which can only be gone through as often as it comes up, as dep as it needs to be. I find if I avoid the grief, shove it in or away, the pain remains for years. If I allow it to come out (locking my self in the bathroom or walking away from others if I have to, the pain is replaced by sadness, peace and gratitude for the time that we shared. When I move into that stage, I can put together my memory book pictures, movie or alter, that is what opens the door for me to bring another fourlegged that I can make a difference to into my life. It just takes as long as it takes. I too keep momentos, hair, the collar, the favorite toy with their ashes which I keep by me where I can smile when I look at that spot.

These are only my experiences, my truths. If you search inside, is it possible that she loved you so much that she wanted to spare you from making painful choices, whether for more treatment which would not help her suffering, whether to have to euthanize her, as her gift to you for the time you had together?

My heart to yours for your loss.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much CJ. This has given me something to think about. Maybe he was ready to go and whoever knew it and took him. I sure wish it could have been painless tho. My mother brought me Ceasars' books today so I will read them and see if I can find some comfort there. I have felt better today but every time I step out in this heat I am just horrified to think what he went thru. My younger son keeps telling me that the suffering is over and there is no point in reliving it but I just loved him so darn much and he trusted me to look out for him. I keep thinking why didn't I have a pool on the back deck or have that doggie door put in--I had put it off because I was afraid he would not step over it due to his arthritis and this would happen) or have a doorbell and taught him to use it. I should have known better. But I know i have to let it go at some point. I just wish God would send a me a vision or dream or whatever and let me see him happily eating watermelon in heaven. Thank you for your kindness. Lisa

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Lisa,

when I read your response, I suddenly remember that I had forgotten about my Dad's old sheltie. Hospice of the Valley was such a blessing to help with his cancer, when he died, I was just trashed, inspite of my efforts to take care of myself. Her name was sierra and she was just lost without him, she used to go in his closet and sleep on his shoes after he was gone (I am sure the clothes smelled like him as well).

One month later, I knew the end was close for her and decided that if she wasnt gone by the next morning that I would have to take her to be euthanized. I got down on the floow to sleep with her in my arms. I remember I was really mad, I talked to Dad's spirit (and any angels around and told them to come and get her - I said, "dont you make me do this to her (euthanize) after everything I have been though!" I finially fell asleep about 4am, and she had gone to the rainbow bridge. It was such a relief!

Now Lisa, I beg you to trust your intuitive self! This is something that has been one of the best gifts for me of practicing Cesar's way. I had a sheltie back in 90 that was old and blind. He had a stroke but was sustaining. I had just fed him in the bathroom, so he could eat in peace and went to prepare the other dogs foods. In the space of minutes, he some how found his way down the hall and out the doggie door, and fell in the pool and drown before I found him. MINUTES! I was so shocked. (You also could imagine the guilt becuase I did not let him outside or access to the doggie door unsupervised). This was another dog I feel so strongly that decided to die to spare me the agony of having him euthanized.

One thing I have head many times is that whether about human or animal, our overwhelming grief keeps them from getting through to us and I have come to feel that is really true. As I learned to transition and reframe my feeling about death and dying into a different way to work with it, I find my connection with them is stronger then ever AND make no mistake, I still cry at unexpected times, but it is just sadness and not pain or overwhelming grief. I also know a couple of animal communicators and once some time has passed, if you want to connect with me I will get you their information. I find that is a great comfort as well as they share things only I know!

Lisa may I offer one more thought to consider? when I tend to let my self get wrapped in guilt in all the things I should have done. I MAKE my self think of how much love, care and wonderful times we had, that would not have happend for THAT dog if I didnt step up to make a difference in its life. I am attaching a poster I made to help me remember what a difference I make with my love for you to have, if you click on it you can read it, then right click to save it to your computer!

Hugs Lisa!


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks again Cj. I can tell you are very gifted at helping people like me. I am a neonatal icu nurse and take care of premature/sick babies. I have been doing it for 30 yrs and the starfish poster made me think of that. I've always done my best for each patient with that philosopy. And I have often thought about that for Mickey too, before he died. We got him from the pound when he was a year old and I feel sure he probably would have been euthanized because he was older and not a puppy. But what a great dog he was. PLEASE send me the info on the animal communicators. I was thinking of going to a psychic to see if he came thru because I didn't know of any ones who did animals. that would be such a great comfort to me!

Can you tell me which of Ceasar's books talks about death? the two my mother brought did not mention it. I'd really like to read what he has to say. I had read that he is getting divorced and his wife said after Daddy's death he spiraled into some sort of bad depression, etc. I guess he has grief issues too. (It hurt me when I heard Daddy died and I never met the dog so Ican only imagine his pain). Thank you so much

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First I recommend Debbie Johnstone who lives in Carefree and here is her website:http://listen2animals.com/

I also have had success with Nancy Windheart who is up in Prescott, her webiste is www.CommunicateWithYourAnimals.com

Here is an animal communicator forum you can join which also has free audio to listen too: http://www.AnimalCommunicatorForum.com

Cesar's books have GREAT indexes. In "Cesar's Way" the first book, you will find the disucssion on page 96, 264-267. In his third book, "A Member of the Family" it is in pgs 239-44, 273-79. I actually work with Cesar and his team helping others to understand and apply Cesar's solutions to their unique situations, conditions, knowledge and skills.

I would be interested to know where that comment came from Ilusion that Cear was depressed. This was not my experience. Cesar was going through many challenges resulting in losses. If we look at the webster definition of depression: " : an act of depressing or a state of being depressed: as a : a pressing down : lowering b (1) : a state of feeling sad : dejection (2) : a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies c (1) : a reduction in activity, amount, quality, or force (2) : a lowering of vitality or functional activity". I would have to say that Cesar was feeling loss, becuase none of these definitions apply except and indirectly possibly sadness.

How do I know? Well the primary validation I point to is the dogs he worked with, who do not lie. If you have his second book, "Be the Pack leader" You will see he talks about dogs as teacher, healers, mirrors who show us our true selves as we really are, instead of buying the social mask we put on to fool other humans. One week after Daddy died, (and this was a day by day decision they had lived with since the first of the year), he was in England, helping others with their problem dogs.

When I hear the word depression, I hear unexpressed emotion (e-motion = energy in motion...or not) to the point that the human is immobilized. When I feel the bubble of sadness and loss, I escape as soon as I can to a quiet place and really work to have it expressed..sobbing, deep breathing to really get it out like releasing the pressure behind a faucet. He misses Daddy so much because they were together all the time but he feels that there are so many dogs that need his help and attention that he really does keep focused on how he can help them right now in each moment, rather then dwelling in the past and all the things he should have done. (I am working to be more like that too, old habits are hard to let go of for me.

So I hope this helps truly. Know in sharing your thoughts you help us all!


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, I am so glad to hear that Ceasar is ok. I don't know exactly where it came from but a good friend of mine heard it, I believe, in a tv interview--I'll ask her if she remembers. Do you know how people can get his help? My parents could really use him with their dog and my mother loves him.

I completely understand how working with other dogs helps. 2 days after Mickey died I helped a friend rescue a dog and working with her and seeing what a difference it has made to that dog has really been very healing for me. I think I would still be on the couch crying were it not for that dog.

thanks for the communicator recommendations. I'm going to check them out. Thank you so much CJ (and Marty). You have been very helpful. I'll let you know how my communicator session goes.:)

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Actually there is no shows being made right now because they did many and Nat Geo, who dealy loves Cesar, slowed things down (only 15 new episodes showed this year, so some new ones could be spread into the fall), so Cesar could take a break he has not had to re organize his life. Ilusion was involved in every element of the business and everything has to be redone organizationally, combined with the fact that his divorce will not be final until early 2011.

You know, this was actually one of my earliest gifts I got when I went through training as a volunteer with Hospice of the Valley 25 years ago. The paster came in and said, you know, we deal with death all the time, when we lose a job, have to move, GO THROUGH A DIVORCE... these are all opportunitites for us to learn how to grieve and move on that we are conditioned into ignoring until it is so in our face (someone catestrophiclaly dies), that suddenly, every loss we have comes bublbling up and we grieve it all together, which makes it so over whelming so many times.

So consider, if you will, that what he is going through is really no diffferent then like when I sat by my Dad's side while he was dying, having to wrap up and change all those life and lifestyle details for when he would no longer be there! When it is finially over in early January, Cesar will still have a year to go through of all those "firsts" Hospice of the Valley talks about.

I run a yahoo "Dogwhispererfan" email list where your folks can get the help and support they need that is the only group approved by Team Millan and infact has been in their newsletter many times. We have helped over 25,000 people solve their problem dogs and moved on, it has over 3100 members right now. Just go to yahoo groups and do a search by the name, so if they cant find it let me know.


Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went thru a really painful divorce years ago but was lucky enough to get some really good counselors help me thru it. I feel for Ceasar. It is hard to lose the person you have all your history and children with, no matter what the circumstances. Actually, I am very familiar with grief but for some reason, Mickey's death was a different kind. Maybe because of the guilt. None of my other grief experiences had guilt involved and I was always able to deal with it better. it seems as I've gotten older I have less defense mechanisms. (or they are just plain worn out!) I am off now for 6 days so I plan to try to do some things that I enjoy and find comforting, including framing his pawprints.

How large is Ceasars' dog rehab that you see people take their dog to on the show? Have you been there? A friend of mine says her brother worked for Ceasar and said he is a very nice guy and that what you see on tv is how it really is. It's amazing to me that he always knows exactly what a dog needs even when I've seen him approach the same problem in another dog differently. I REALLY wish he would write a book that is nothing but dog psycology and how they think. I know he is always covering that in his books as he goes along, but I would like to have a book that does not tell you what to do for this or that, but one that just tells you how dogs view the world. I've looked for one on the net and can't find anything.

I'm thinking I need to

Link to comment
Share on other sites


I'm sorry for the loss of your dog, I know it's got to be a huge adjustment. I'm sure this is very hard on your son too.


Thank you for your helpful posts, as a dog lover, it is a good way to look at it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...