I Am Still Here.

[Suzanne R.]

The day after my birthday on August 12, 1972 my husband and I were wed by the Justice of the Peace when his sister and her husband were witnesses. They were the only ones there as I was a very young 19 and there was no celebration, no reception, in fact I was so young and naive I didn't even care that there was no big to do. It was just a simple formality but it was a very special day ingrained in my memory for us to say to each other that we love each other. It would have been 38 years today but I guess that wasn't meant to be. We were together for 39 years because we met on September 11, 1970. We were able to have our marriage blessed by the Sacrament of Matrimony on November 1, 1974 at which time the witnesses were Dan's parents and one of his other sisters. I don't wish to be reminded of any of these events especially the day I was born because he is not able to say those horrible words, that awful phrase with the initials H.B. I hope you get my meaning because yesterday was the first day in 39 years that I didn't hear those words from Danny's own lips. I would rather not hear those words for as long as I live because it is just a day, the day I was born, that's all. I don't mean to sound cold or unfeeling. I don't tell my loved ones this because they wouldn't understand I just say thank you and leave it at that. But I think that all of you here understand how I feel. Danny has ceased to exist and nothing means anything to me any more. There will be other days that have a meaning only to me that will be extremely difficult and if you don't hear from me, I just wanted to let you know that I am still here, still reading, still lurking, but in a deep depression because all I would really like is an embrace that I can no longer feel from Danny. He is no longer with me and as I type I weep because I truly feel .... no wait I know for a fact that my life is over. God has a purpose for me. But I still am empty, saddened, disillusioned, disheartened and lonely without him. I am merely existing. I just breathe, but I would rather not. I feel so sad for all of you here that are struggling, and are in the same pain as I. I know how all those feel who have lossed their loved one be it a spouse, a child, a sibling, a relative or a very good friend. I will be going out soon to attend a grief meeting so I just thought I'd let you all know I remember you in my prayers each day. I am so sorry and sad that you must go through this too. I wouldn't wish this unbearable ache in my heart for my worst enemy, but I am especially sad that all you who are so caring are not deserving of this fate, this sorrow is intolerable and I have come to think of what I have called T.E.D. for short which stands for Terminal Emotional Disorder. It's just what I must live with until the day I pass.

God bless each and every one of you.

Suzanne

[kayc]

TED, that sounds appropo!

I'm sorry too...sorry for all of us. It's been longer for me so I've learned to live with it...but in the beginning, I couldn't breathe, felt panicky, well you know, all of it you all feel. I've just learned that my life has changed and I have to accept it. Nothing I say, do, think, will change it.

[Deb625]

Today would be the 9th year anniversary for Michael and I and almost 3 months (Aug 16) that I have lived without him. I still cry and sob everyday and keep praying to God to just give him back. This life is just not fair. No one will know what today is except Michael and I. I'll just say a little prayer for his safe keeping, cry some more and simply just hope to get through it - one moment at a time... I'm so sorry for all our our losses that have brought us here. In grief, Deb

[alone27]

You are so exactly right with what you say. The pain is often intolerable - don't know how to manage it. I often wonder what I did (or he did) to deserve this (unanticipated) fate. Life has become existing. Daily things are what I must do to avoid the panic attacks. The devastation is so deep it seems unbearable. I am so sorry for all of us - what a horrible existence. I understand the meaning of hell on earth.