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Trying To Find The New Me


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The day I lost my husband (3 months ago) I came home alone. I wantd no one here. After the funeral of course some family were here after but by evening I was alone again. Have family visit most every day for a while, but from 3:00 on it's just me and my cat. I am truly trying to figure out how do I live alone. This week, I walked down the block aways, but on the side where there are no houses, just a school fence so didn't have to talk to anyone. Wrong I know! Went out to Wal-Mart one evening--have not ventured out for a long time now. Actually today I went to church. By myself. Have family that go there too, but I figure I have to learn to be alone. Making a little headway, but if it will get better or end I sure don't know. Nothing makes sense about living on alone.....

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Hi Marion Claire, It is 3 months today that my Michael (age 45) left this world and I just can't stop the tears from flowing. I honestly thought I'd be over the crying/sobbing dibilitating part of this journey and gave this date as my bench mark to start searching for a counselor to begin counseling in Sept. I started the search for a Psychologist by calling my husbands addictions doctor for a recommendation, it hurt to find out the receptionist (who knew Michael for over 10 years) wasn't aware he had died (his Doctor knew and had called me in condolences). I've since sent emails to their recommendation and another person I know in the field of grief/addictions - so I've done something today i.e. made a start. I then went to Costco to purchase something I needed for someone else and then wandered the aisles thinking I don't need anything from this place anymore as it is just me to buy for - everything thing I do just simply hurts and tears my heart apart. Right now I feel like I'm the only person in the world that remembers Michael and remembers that he's gone. It is just so sad and I feel so alone. I also don't know when it will end and my life alone will have future... I do hope the time will be soon as I really am tired of feeling so bereft. It is now 3pm and I think iI'll just go to bed and see if tomorrow will be a better day. Sorry, I'm not offering any help, just adding to the perspective that we're both having the same/same but different day. Thanks for listening, Deb

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Marion, if you figure it out, let us know. I guess "alone" has never been my preference, although I've managed to live alone much of my adult life, sometimes even while married. I think I have someone in my life just to have them leave again. It does take some getting used to. I can tell you that the up side is you can eat the whole bag of Doritos, pick out the movies you like to watch, make your own decision about whether to get a pet, and nobody much cares if you wear makeup or not. It's up to you if you want to buy something, how late you stay up, or what you have for dinner...or don't. But no matter what I point out, it doesn't matter, cuz there's not a one of us that wouldn't have our mates back if only we could...we'd gladly put up with muddy feet, watching sports, and having to fix dinner every night at 6:00. We'd give anything to stay awake while they snore, have them steal the covers, or pick their dirty socks up off the floor. We just flat out miss them. We'd gladly trade the rest of our lives for just five minutes of them holding us again. And that's the bottom line.

You are trying to look on the bright side and that is good, for it will carry you through in the long run. We're all here for you, rooting for you!

Kay

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Hi Marion

I am so sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband in April, I was never alone, we got married when I was 17, went from my mom's house to married, and we were always together, never ever apart except when I had our kids, for 44 years, and I depended on him more that I should of, and then he was gone, it is so very hard, my kids are married with their own families, and live about an hour from me, I am not a driver, although I have started again, he did all the driving, so life has changed completely for me, eating alone which i never did, sleeping alone, just everything, it is something I never ever even thought would happen, you just dont think of these things. I miss him every second of every day, the only ones here when I come home are my dogs, thank god for them at least there is something alive in the house and someone there to greet me.

Take care

karen

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Yes besides being together for so many years, Ray took care of me. I was in the hospital having surgery more times than I can count and he always took care of me. He did anything he could to make my life easier. He was in perfect health until the evil cancer apperared and 9 months later he was gone. He always said I couldn't take care of myself alone. Well there is no choice any more. I have to take care of myself. I can do it, but it's going to be a long hard task only because I don't have him here beside me now. I have a pet too that is a great comfort and companion. He's just a cat but to me he's a wonderful friend. He is my grandson's and when he went into the Air Force he wanted the cat to live here not with any other of his family. No chance him ever getting that cat back now. He's my best friend and lets me talk or cry to him as much as I need too.. Hugs to everyone in this group of wonderful people. Marion

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