Marion Claire

Lost my wonderful husband May 2nd and moved the beginning of November. Could not get down to do laundry etc. He always helped me with so much that was hard for me to do. We knew in time we would have to move, but this went so fast I ended up doing it alone. Have a beautiful apartment in a great building with all the extras-- pool etc. It was a very lonely transition but all the furniture he made for our house if here with us and everything we had together. Actually found an apartment that could take on things from a 3 bedroom, and full basement. I know he is here with me. Just last week he was really here after I had had a very sad day. Came to visit me that night. My grandchildren suffered the most actually in selling the house as they had grown up and stayed with us many times and that would always be grandpa and grandma's house to them. Easier on my kids cause they grew up elsewhere. I for one will never adjust to him not being here with me. Guess in my dream world I thought we would be together forever....... Never entered my head that one day I could be without him.

I have felt no interest in the holidays this year. Plus our anniversary is the day after Christmas, and it was New Years Eve when our son committed suicide. With Ray gone this year I felt I just couldn't do it. Spent today at one grand daughters with her folks and 2 sisters and their familys. Looked at those wonder people and those 3 little babies all born this year and relized I do still things to be grateful for. Those babies have been my salvation. Ray always loved to decorate for Christmas. He did it all inside and outside. He must have gotten into my head this week, cause I put up the tree and the decorations I kept when I moved and even bought a couple. All I can figure he told me to do it, cause I honestly had no intention of doing anything at all. I know he's happy I did too.

A truer thing I have never read. This says it all and is 100% the way my life is now. Thanks for posting this

Really good. Thanks so much for sharing.

Thanks gals for all the helpful comments. This was a great move for me I know. Health wise it was a real good decision. Getting all my memorable things into place first, and yes where ever I am he is with me. Evenings are rough tho still. I have my big yard to go out and wander around in and now I don't have that. But pretty soon it will too cold and icy to spend much time outside any way. There is a lot going on this apartment complex if I feel up to joining me. Right now guess I rather not be around a group of strangers. My family is great but still not up to a room of strangers. Dumb I know but every evening I feel so alone and still I really love this apartment. Never lived alone in 57 years so it's differant.

Well I am all moved into my apartment now. Hard to walk through the house we lived for so many years and know that after Friday it is no longer mine. Doctor said NO steps so guess it was a wise choice to move here. Only the living room looks like home yet. Boxes everywhere else. Had to get up the stuff I had up before of the son we lost and of my darling husband. After that was done it started to feel more like home. I know where ever I go he is with me, but the memories in that house are so many. Grandkids each had to go through the house one last time, and alone. Hope in time they feel this is home like they did there. Has been a very sad week. A needed move, but the memories are so hard to think about that happened in that house. Marion

Except for my cat and he doesn't say much I am alone most of the time. Have a big family and they do stop by often but still 98% of the time it's just me here. Kay===I do find myself talking to myself. Probably good no one hears me, but I do. The lose of another voice that has been with me forever it seems is unbearable. I see others that don't seem to feel that way, I always will I know. Marion

Well I move in one week, so am real busy now backing everything up that I can. After living in this house for over25 years I am packing up our live it feels like. All alone packing all we had into boxes. I the move will be good for me cause I have a friend over there, but I have never made an major decisions on my own before. Anything major we always decided together. I am getting down even tho I need to move cause of the stairs here. Anxious to move, so so sad to leave all the memories here. No--they are going with me too. All the grandkids are really sad about me moving out of our house. This was always home to them. My kids grew up in a different town so they aren't quite as attached to this house but the one before this. I am just rambling I know. Wander thru the house and yard too like I am lost! Just really wanted to post to let you know I will be gone for a while. Busy this week to get on the computer and when I move need to get everything hooked up again. Will come back when all is done here.

My life is so different but I know how devestated I would have been at your young ages. Don't know how I would have been able to handle it. I on the other hand have 56 years of memories to keep here with me. But also have 56 years of being the two of us, and now I do not know how to be just me. Had never before had to make all the decidions alone that I now have to me. There is just me. Either young or old it hurts too much...

All my daughters and I found out 3 1/2 years ago when I lost my only son. People disappeared for all of us. One brother-in-law would not come to the fueral even because it was a suicide. He had no feeling how this was for our whold family. Caused a lot of hard feelings from all of us. With losing Ray lots of people's comment was that he was old and had had a good life. Very true but we are all suffering and grieving over our lost regardless of his age. I just can't yet after 5 1/2 months figured out how to go on alone. After so many years together there is no way to fill the hugh gap in my life or the hugh hole in my heart. I know some people just don't want to deal with people who are deeply grieving and do not understand how much we need them. My girls that work said some people were so great about showing they cared and were there is they wanted them for comfort, while others just vanished. Some day everyone will lose a loved one any seems only then will they understand. I figure is they are uncomfortable around me then they don't really count as friends, so I go on without them ..

Yesterday I drove about 45 miles north of here to my brothers. First trip I have made except to a store if I run out of something. Stayed overnight with them and I had the best nights sleep since Ray passed away. We chatted all afternoon and evening and I am usually alone every evening and lots of afternoons. Family is my in the mornings allmost every day when. One daughter is here every morning cause she works at 3:00, and one grand daughter and her baby are over everyday between nap times. So very few mornings am I alone. Most always alone Sundays. All the talking up there must have been good medicine for me to actually get my first good nights sleep in over6 months since Ray first got really bad. They told me when ever I need a nights sleep to just come up and they will talk me tired again............

Finally realized today why everything is so different in one day. Being left alone meant I have to make all decisions by myself. Never ever have I had to do that. Ray took such good care of me and know I have to figure everything out by myself. Already so worried about tax time. I know where nothing is and I may have thrown papers I will need, and have no idea about any of it, so will have to go get help for sure. Selling our home was not a decision I would ever do alone before. Any bigger purchase etc we always did together. It truly is hard enough to be left alone with my wonderful soulmate. Took a while for it to sink in that everything is up to me know. Keep telling him I hope I am doing the right thing. My girls tell me seeing I was treated like a fairy princess for so many years anything I do would be ok with him. Guys and gals this really stinks being alone doesn't it.......................... Marion

You are so normal I think after losing a loved one. I sleep with a hugh puppy and a giant troll smoking a cigar every thing. Those were given to Ray and were his not mine so they are on his side of the bed. When it's cool I cover up with his Vikings blanket. Whatever was his is a comfort to me. I taought the cat to sleep on a little afghan on the foot of the bed. He was never allowed on the bed, but somehow it's now a comfort having him there and he stays where I told him too each night. I think whatever makes us feel better at this horrid time in our lives go and do it....

I have a large very supportive family but as far as friends we were each others best friend and with a large family we seldom were with other people. Thank God for my family or there would be no one for me to even talk to. My cat helps a lot. Actually he was a grandson's cat and when he moved in with us his senior year of school the cat was in the package. He went in the Air Force after school and he will never get my best friend back. When I am sad, he lays his head on mine and comforts me.

My husband passed away at 3:30 in the morning. I had spent (most of family had also!) about 1 1/2 weeks in the hospital 24 hours every day. I would run home to shower and change clothes and get right back up there. When he was gone, I told all my family I wanted to go home and I wanted to go alone. One daughter followed me to make sure I got home and in the house and then left. Lots of people could not understand this, but I needed this time with no one else around. I am always alone except for my cat every evening and usually on Sunday. Have family drop by other times usually. I still enjoy my alone time here with my thoughts and memories. I can cry, scream, do whatever I need to do at the time and no one will be upset or worried. They are all grieving really bad all our family. We do talk but still I am content alone some of the time.. Cat just crawls up and kisses me if I am too upset. It helps too.

My youngest brother called me on Sunday just as I was leaving one grand daughters. He said "You sound happy today! You never sound happy when I call." He has called every week to check on me and in 5 months this was the first time he said I sounded happy.. Had spend the day with 3 daughters, 3 grand daughters, and 6 of the great-grandkids. Guess I was smiling and laughing more than I have ever in the past 5 months. He said he was so glad he called that day cause it made him feel so good to hear me with a cheerful, happy tone in my voice..

About 2 weeks after Ray passed away the grand daughter who had been here daily helping me with him had a dream. She said Grandpa told her I should look for a pink paper. People looked but no pink paper was found. Then one day a pink paper came in the mail saying his life insurance from years ago when he worked for the Dept of Interior had an insurance policy of $10,000 on him. He thought that had expired years ago when he reached 65. It had not just been reduced a couple $100. Evidently he remember and came in a dream to tell her too look for that pink paper. Would not have been so odd but the paper was PINK......

I have a real positive post==Found the most gorgeous apartment. Actually called apartment homes. So Nov.1st I will be moving there. Closing on my house is Nov 12th. It will good physically for me to move out of the house with the steps and hugh yard. Yet will be real hard to have a new home that Ray was never with me in. All my memories, pictures etc all go to the new place too, so he will be with me where ever I go I know. One grandson said it right==First he said=Good. Next sentence--Sad. I have a gal I have known for forever living there too and she too me to check those out. She lost her husband a few years ago, and I knew him real well too. If I am moving I know this is the right place for me........

Market is really bad here now and houses are not selling so I was lucky i sold my this week. I am so happy to be away from a house and hugh yeard I can't take care of and have to ask others to mow, remove snow and fix anything that goes wrong. My back and legs have the stairs off limits---Ray always did the laundry so I didn't have to go down there. Well now it's all up to me. He did so many things and he always said I couldn't take care of mysefl if he wasn't here. I can but it's hard in this house and hugh yeard. Happy and sad at the same time. Lived here for 25 years and all my grandkids are sad cause this was homt to them. Our kids grew up in another town and house so they have memories there too. All the grandkids this was grandpa and grandma's house. They feel same as me--happy for my and sad at the same town. Apartment is never in my farthest dreams so we did need to move where things were done for you cause we were just not able to keep thing up here.Laun, snow and any house problems. Would have moved if he were here too. I have so many memories afterhere after all those years it's a bittersweet few day. I go out and walk around my big yeard and not it's gone soon. Same with the house. I feel in a way I am deserting him but I just can't do it here alone. and don't have money to hired every little problem done. I know it will be good for me, but so sad too.

No one here would ever want to make anyone else feel bad. I know that!! I commentted one day to one daughter that I had had a perfect life from the day I was born. Looking at me in shock she said "Mom where have you been all your life?' Oh, guess all was only perfect in my momory.. Had a real hard time together mainly over our kids. One got pregnant at 14 and that drew us way apart for quite some time. Had 2 other kids in trouble a lot and mom was always softer thus the good guy in their eyes........... Thank God they grew into fabulouse adults and the young girl has given us 3 wonderful daughters and a great son-in-law.( their real father ) My only son committed suicide 3 years ago and that we thought would kill us but we survived. We had too...........So I truly doubt any marriage is perfect in every respect. My husband and I adored each other and he treated me a princess. That is the part I am remembering---the man who would do anything for me, not the man who I argued with about our daughter having an abortion. ( I just would not ever agree with him on that.) Yes not all perfect but more great memores to memories to remember....No life is perfect I don't think.

Earlier this month which was 4 months after he left us for 6 nights in a row he was here for a short while every night. One night I did see his face and heard his voice and saw him walk which he couldn't do in the last weeks at all alone. It woke me up each night. No more since then. That was just before his birthday that I was worried how to survive alone and wonder if that was why he was here and after getting through that day I have had no more. Hope so much he comes again before too long. Too see someone you love look whole and healthy is such a blessing. Praying it wasn't just those 6 nights. It does help so much. Hope we all get good dreams sharing with our loved ones who are gone now. Hugs to all,

Well I'm not a guy but being non-working cause of age, I have 7 days of nothing now. Weekends are worse still cause during the week family is by more often but out of town a lot on weekends until the snow comes. I don't want to go to the lake with any of them so I sit here stareing at a tv and not watching it, and being very sad and lonely. My cat always has to kiss me good morning each day to start my day. And if I cry he sits by my head with his legs around my neck. Tries to comfort me. We used to wait for weekends, but now they are the worst. I finally did start back going to church alone, so I do have something to get up for 1 day of the week.

Well Happy Birthday! My birthday was Tues and the first one without Ray. I wanted to just skip the entire day but my kids and grandkids went out of their way to give me a nice day. They all knew how hard it was doing this solo when we always celebrated together cause his was last Weds, so we had one big birthday usually. Nothing could make it like it was but they did do all they could to help. Didn't turn out to be as horrid a day as I feared. Now have all the other firsts yet this year. Holidays, and our anniversary Dec. 26th. That and Christmas rolled together I really want to just hibernate for a while but doubt I will be allowed too. Might have to insist tho cause I really don't know how I can do it.

Like I have said before I can not figure out how to live alone. But I mean only without Ray cause with him gone I want to live alone. I hate the fact he's not physically here but want no one else here except for visits. The day he passed away, I had chose to go home alone but one daughter followed me to see I made it home after being at the hospital for days on end. Day and Night. Seeing I got in the house everyone went home and left me alone to sleep, cry, scream or whatever I needed to do..

Just last week was Ray's birthday. Mine was the 21st. We always celebrated together before. Was a hard week for us all. We had the memorial for Ray on his birthday and I told all my family i was not celebration in any way for mine. Besides about a dozen phone calls, had one brother, 3 daughters, 3 grand daughters, 1 grandson-in-law, and 3 great grandkids here some part of the day and evening. They don't listen to what mom says I guess. They did make it a nice day tho, with one grand daughter telling me Ray would want me to enjoy the special days still. Have another daughter coming to town on Thursday or possibly two. One daughter gave me a bouquet with some bright yellow roses in it because she thought yellow was cheerful, and she's right it did make me feel good. No stopping the constant how can I do this!!! That is with me everyday day. I can't figure out how to be 1/2 of us and do it alone. Every day the stay cry over and over. I can not do this. BUT--* I know I have to and will"