When Grief Becomes Boring To Others

[Deb625]

I'm now just past the 3 month mark since I lost my Michael (he was 45) and I just feel like a broken record telling my "story" again and again. I know no one want to hear again and again how much I loved him, miss him and can't fathom a life without him - they loved him too; however they are in reality back to their own lives. I feel like I'm doing the best job that I can in getting through this, but the loss is so different to other people i.e. yes, the loved Michael and yes they miss him, but they don't understand that for me it's not just weekends and holidays that I realize he's not around for me it is every day, every minute. They don't get that going to bed at night without a good night kiss and a conversation is dibilitating, they don't understand that you now have to actually create a new life one where you are suddenly (not by choice) alone (grocery shopping, cooking....). I don't know what to do. Do you start ignoring this "world" and just pretend everything is okay and that this terrible "thing" didn't happen? Or do you stay the course and put the people you love through your grief (they do love me and hate to see me hurt). I guess I just feel "guilty" hearing back from other friends that "so and so" loves you and is trying to help, but is so powerless to help (and they are - It's me going through this - I get that). I know how important it is to reach out, but I guess what I'm asking is what are we supposed to do about the guilt making others go through this journey with us?

[Korina]

For me, the best thing others did for me was talk with me about Scott, in whatever capacity, whether about his death, his life, whatever. Not everyone was able to do that, but I was blessed that many were and are able to. Maybe because I always talked about him while he was alive, it was easy for me to remember funny stories and laugh with people about them after he died. I hope that the people around you will understand that talking about your husband is necessary as you deal with your grief and help you cope with your new reality.

Talk (write) here as much as you want. We all understand.

Korina

[Deb625]

Thanks Korina, I just feel at a loss as I have a mate here from the UK (he's come every year for the last 20 years and has always stayed with me for his 4 to 5 week trips), and heard from another friend how he feels "helpless" to help me. It makes me feel guilty for all the tears I've shed. I've known this man for over 20 years and he is a true friend. It's just hard to think that I'm a "burden". Meanwhile the selfish part of me thinks "suck it up buttercup", this is my world right now (he was a friend of Michael's for many, many years as well). I know he loves me - tears and all... guess, I'm at the point where I feel pulling the "widow card" is tiring... Not that I've got through this, but everyone else has gone back to their "normal live"... Do we just "pretend" we're okay so everybody else feels "okay"? Or do we keep being a burden? It is hard, because I'm simply not okay - yet.

[MartyT]

Deb, dear ~ If I may say so, your friend sounds "just like a man" ~ wanting to "fix" this for you so you'll feel better, and frustrated knowing that he cannot possibly fix it. I wonder what would happen if you sat down with him and simply acknowledged that with him ~ and also let him know that what you really need from him, what you really, really appreciate from him, is his willingness to withstand your pain right now, just to "be" with you, and to listen to you tell your story as many times as you feel the need to do so? I suspect that unless you give him some guidance and some reassurance, he really doesn't know what to do or say, and that feeling of helplessness can be very, very difficult to tolerate ~ especially for men (who usually are not as comfortable with raw emotion as women tend to be).

[kayc]

Deb,

I am kind of feeling the same way...my fiance broke up with me via Fed Ex 12 days ago at work. Needless to say, it took me by surprise and I've been in shock ever since. I am doing the best I can but my whole world has been jarred and besides missing him, I am left to deal with all of the unanswered questions, how could he do this to me, was our whole relationship a lie, am I that unlovable, etc. etc. He spent three days every weekend with me for the last 13 1/2 months plus we talked on the phone several times a day so my routine is greatly altered. People tell me "he isn't worth my tears" (while that may be true, my tears are here regardless) or "at least you weren't married" (not of great consolation to me as I look at our rings, my dress and shoes, etc.), or "get over him" (I'm trying but you can't rush time and without closure, well it's tough) and then there's always the "You need to learn to pick them different/go about it different" (what, so now this is my fault on top of everything else?)...well I'm doing my best but I still have my emotions and broken heart to contend with. Yes, I'm sure people tire of facing something as uncomfortable as this. We are a visible reminder to them of their own vulnerability and that with love, comes risk. They'd rather see happy endings and happily ever after...that's the kind of movies they pick. But the reality is, life isn't always like that. People die prematurely, people break up with people, some of them in cowardly ways, and life doesn't always end up "happily ever after". We are the ones that drew the short end of the stick and I have to add, we are doing a commendable job of trying to survive what is thrown at us. It is to this place I turn, this place where I can receive the much needed understanding, comfort, encouragement, and example of those who've been through this before us. It is to this place we need never feel we've outstayed our welcome or aren't handling things right. Here we can always count on the arms of someone else going through it or some words from Marty.

People do want to fix things, and not always just men, sometimes it's women like that too (I have a sister who is a "fixer"). Sometimes I let them have their say and then go find someone more understanding to talk to. At three months, you are nowhere near the end of the grief journey...if there is such a thing, and I don't think there is...at what point have we achieved? At what point do we stop missing them? It's more like we learn better how to cope with it, but oh my it takes time, and then there's always that moment when we least expect it that it creeps up on us again and catches us unawares. I guess I've come to expect that and just deal with it as it comes. Whether it's losing a husband, a fiance breaking up with us, loss of our special job, a home we loved, or other loss, it's just plain tough no matter how you slice it.

Keep coming here, we'll all be here for each other.

[Mrs.G]

Hi Deb...I am on month 13...I love talking about my husband....close friends will tell me they dont know what to say to me. I tell them I understand and they dont have to say anything. I thought about trying to pretend,that he is still alive on this earth... but I knew it would make it much tougher on me to heal. I still cry...just about everyday...give yourself permission to grieve...thats what I did. I talk to God alot...always have, just more now....I go outside and sit in my lawn chair and talk and pray....the pain has not gone away yet...I miss him every moment of the day....but I am able to handle the pain better now...I am sure I have sounded like a broken record...saying the same things over and over...I cant believe hes gone...how can he be gone...this cant be real....not Larry...not Larry....over and over....the ones who love me and love Larry dont mind talking about him...they hurt for us and with us....they miss him too, but not to the extent that you and I miss our husbands....and they know that...everyone goes on with their lives while our lives, have stopped.......if they truly love you they will go through it with you...and I dont think anyone expects you to be over it at three months...I'm not over and will always love Larry with all my heart...He is my soulmate....take care...