My Birthday

[jennifer1969]

Today is my birthday and I just can't seem to be around any one. I have locked myself in my room and I have cryied all day and night. This is my first birthday without Mark. It really sucks. I just can't face any one. Now I'm feeling bad because I wouldn't let my son and brother in to see me. I don't know what to do any more. I feel bad because Mark is gone and then I am now feeling bad because I don't want to be around my family. I just can't win any more. All I wanted for my birthday was to be with Mark, but I'm still here. Why?

[Nick]

Hi Jennifer,

It's my first birthday today too without my husband so I can relate to what you are saying. Having my two sons helped me tremendously today I know their daddy would be so proud of them. They are only 3 and 5, but seeing them happy brings a smile to my face! I had my moments on and off all day, but also felt very blessed to be surrounded by family and friends how love me so much! I know that is what my husband would want so I embraced it. I never would had thought that last year would have been my last birthday with him so sad and hard to even imagine still. When my sons hugged me and said Happy Birthday mom I felt he was behind them the whole time. I too want to be with my husband, but am so grateful for all the amazing people I have in my life. It sounds like you have family support with your brother and son. I'm sure with time you will lean on them more. I hope you were able to find some comfort and peace in your day today.

[jennifer1969]

No comfort and peace for me on my birthday. I just feel like i'm in a world and life that I don't fit in to any more. Nothing makes sence any more. When Mark passed away on june 27, 2010 I think I died to. I just can't figure out why I'm still here. I'm also trying to figure out why God took him from me. Why I ain't or shouldn't I be happy any more. I just don't get life any more. Did I do something wrong in life to be punished like this. I had two great things in my life time. My son and my husband. Now Mark is gone. Now all I live for is my son.

Jennifer

[melina]

I feel the same way. My husband was taken from me just three weeks ago. I can't even bring myself to name the date. The beautiful things in my life are my sons and my husband. Now all I have to live for are our sons. They're grown, but our youngest still lives with me. They are all grieving, as I am, but hopefully they will create their own families and find happiness. Right now I can't see any happiness in my future at all and it's tough to find any meaning in anything. I have no family to support me - they've pulled away. But there are certain friends who try. It's hard to know what to ask for. All I want is my husband back, and no one can give me that. His birthday in December will be hard - followed by Christmas which will be even harder.

We'll just have to get through it all somehow for our kids.

Melina

[Nick]

I too feel this way often! Also, get mad and ask a ton of questions why, why him, why me....ect. What I keep coming to is it doesn't change the outcome some how some way we need to work through this horrible tragedy. My son's and my husband are my reason for going on they need me. I am so blessed to see my husband everyday through his sons. I know it sucks, it's not fair not even your worst enemy should endure this much pain! Just be patient let yourself feel what your feeling and have kind thoughts. Be easy on yourself we all feel this way. It's hard finding your way and trying to create a new norm especially when you didn't want to in the first place! Take care!

[Mrs.G]

Hi Jennifer,

I just went though my first year without the love of my life. He doted on me all the time... I wanted to withdraw from people, but thankfully my family and friends did not let me. I have to say that it will help to be around family and friends during all these first times without Mark. I decided to go ahead and be with my friends...because I knew I would be crying when I got home anyway. So that need to grieve would still be satisified...to acknowledge the deep loss in my life. God is not punishing you...even though it may feel like it right now. He has different plans for your life and my life even though we want our old life back.God is the only reason I feel like I am able to survive, knowing everything is in His hands. This is not the end for those who believe in Jesus, it is only the beginning. We will someday be reunited with them...that is my hope and joy...through this dark valley that I am walking through. God bless you...

[Sharon3]

It is very tough to go through your birthday and your spouses...........I bought myself a gift on both of our birthdays. It made me feel somehow better. It was a Pandora bracelet and I will buy a charm for my birthday and his until it is full. I wear it with love for him. Try to find something to honour your spouse on these days...it may make it easier.

[Korina]

I bought myself a Christmas gift from Scott .

Somedays, there is nothing to do but lie there and cry. It is part of your process. If you are comfortable with it, don't be afraid to tell your son and brother how you are feeling, and why you couldn't be with them. The last thing you need is to feel guilty about feeling like crap.

And I have said it a million times here; our daughter undoubtedly in my reason for living.

Korina

[kayc]

I think buying yourself a present from them is a great idea! George always made such a big deal out of birthdays, holidays, changes of seasons, anything, everything, it's just not the same without him.