Avoiding Couples

[melina]

Eventually I will have to go out into the world again, but right now it feels like the world is basically populated with happy couples leading normal, busy lives. My sister-in-law and her husband were going to stop by with their daughter and son-in-law, and the thought of just seeing two happy, intact couples was too much. I asked them not to come. The friends I have are all married. This was great - as long as my husband was here and we were one of those happy couples. But now I'm just a widow. I feel like my identity has been stripped away with my happiness, leaving me just a sad, single, empty, middle-aged woman nobody wants.

Today I've missed him so badly my stomach hurts. We would have had our coffee together this morning before going off to work, discussing stuff in the newspaper, agreeing on who's stopping at the store on the way home, what we'd have for dinner.

Anyone else feel out of place with couples? It's a combination of longing and envy, I think. It hurts too much.

Melina

[kayc]

Yes it is common to feel that way. However, I felt it was better to confront my feelings by forcing myself to enjoy these happy couples rather than envy/avoid them. My sisters are married, most of my friends from church are married or have someone in their life. I just lost my fiance and it seems to have just built upon the loss I already faced. I feel very alone. Today a friend called me with the good news that she's met someone special, she's been avoiding telling me because she thought it would be hard for me in light of my loss of Jim. But I feel nothing but happiness for her, she's been searching/waiting for a long time and I'm truly glad for her. I realize that her good fortune doesn't alter anything in my life at all, not detrimental or otherwise. But then I've never been one to envy other's fortunes, those who win the lottery, luck out with husbands, have kids that adore them, great jobs, etc. Life just is what it is.

I would really hate to gyp myself of a friendship because they happen to have someone in their life. Try feeling glad for them that they are not experiencing what you are right now...chances are one of them will someday, not a good thought.

[melina]

Kayc,

What a great perspective you have on life. I wish I could feel the same way, but right now I feel only envy and bitterness that it's not me. Hopefully that will change someday.

Melina

[Jennalee]

Oh I am SO not a big fan of couples, but I am trying to go ahead and let myself be around them. I'm going to have to get used to seeing them, so there's no sense in hiding from it. "Face the Pain" seems to be my new motto.

How are you doing, Melina? I know you're having such a rough time and I just want to hug you. Do you have any grieving books? Counseling lines you can call? Bereavement groups? How can we help you?

[Cheryl]

I think it's safe to say that when the loss is fresh the pain is so raw that being around or even seeing couples is heartbreaking. There will come a time when you will take any company willing to visit. Most people don't know what to say to a widow and are very afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. They'll try once and never again.

You might want to be direct and tell your Sister-in-law that so many visitors at once would be overwhelming, but you'd love if she would come by herself to sit and talk with you. Try to set up a schedule with visitors so that you don't spend all your time alone. Even a short visit will let people know they shouldn't give up on you.

So many of my friends simply stopped calling when I couldn't communicate what I needed from them. Now I'm having to rebuild and repair the damage. I have started calling old friends and telling them that I'm trying to re-enter the world and would love if they'd stop by for a visit sometime.

Try not to be hard on yourself. If it's too hard to see anyone just say I can't today, how about tomorrow when I feel better. This will help keep the door open.

[melina]

Good advice, Cheryl, but how long did this take? I mean before you began trying to re-enter the world? I'm soon at the one month mark and still feeling pretty raw emotionally. I've never been a social butterfly, and always felt I had enough with my husband. Now I realize I should have built up a stronger network, which I will probably need at some point. Being completely alone is actually pretty scary.

Melina

[mlg]

Couples parse don't bother me but weddings and anniversaries do. The ones that end in zero seem to especially bother me. I feel bad because there are going to be special celebrations for some of my friends this year and I really don't think I can go. I can talk to them one on one about it but am afraid I would break down and ruin their celebration.

I'm having an especially hard time the last week or so and am not sure why. Sun it will be 3 years since we got Tom's diagnosis. I can still remember that hit in the gut feeling. I just had no clue and as a nurse that still bothers me.

Good luck to you in deciding what to do.

[Mrs.G]

Well almost everyone I know is a couple. I thought I would feel awkward, but it has actually been okay.I have made myself go places I dont want to..weddings, funeral, partys, lunch at the places we use to go with big groups of friends, outings with our church...I have made myself go to these because I knew if I avoided them, the pain would just get deeper. It hasnt been easy ..I have had times where I'm literally crying all day until an hour before I have to go...I just tell myself, I have to do this for my friends..just get myself together and go. I attended whatever it is, then cry all the way home because Larry isnt with me or he wont be there to greet me when I get home. I am Larry's wife and ..the world may not think that...but whose says I have to let the world tell me what I feel...He's up in heaven waiting for me... and I cant wait to see him again...

[Korina]

I certainly felt jealousy and resentment in the beginning in regards not only couples, but when seeing fathers with their children. Thankfully, I no longer have these negative emotions (at least not usually ); however, I think I will always feel that both my daughter and Scott were cheated out of that special father daughter relationship. I am still very angry at whoever (God?) on that one!

At any rate, because it would have been wrong to hole up in the apartment with my baby 24 hours a day for her sake, I went to the community centre, to the playground, on walks, everywhere surrounded by happy families - I believe that this helped me overcome the jealousy and resentment (hasn't gotten rid of the sadness, though).

Korina

[Queeniemary]

I guess the "couples" thing has not really been a problem for me. My husband and I did most of our socializing with a large group of theater friends, all ages, couples, singles, gays, and these wonderfull friends have been so supportive to me. They loved Mike also, and we talk about him a lot. We are in rehearsals right now for a play I am directing, and his name comes up very often, as he was such an active part of the group, and such a good actor and director. One of the cast members called me last night after I got home from rehearsal to tell me that she was loving the part I had cast her in, and that she could feel Mike's spirit in the Lyric. I feel the same, I think he is there with us. I was not sure I could direct this play without his input, and his support, but the play is going well, I feel he is helping me. I talk to him every night, and miss him so very much, but after over 7 months, it is getting a little easier. I think it helps that all our friends still talk about him, remembering him, and laughing about the fun times we all had. I am really tired, working days and in rehearsals at night, but it is a good tired. Keeps me busy.

Mrs. G, I know what you mean....I am still Mike's wife, I still wear my wedding rings, and although legally now I am considered "single", I don't feel single. I still feel I am Mike's wife.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

mlg,

Could you just send a card or gift of congratulations and well wishes and let them know you are thinking of them on their special day? I don't think explanations are needed, just an acknowledgment.

Last year when Jim called off our wedding which was set for Dec. 12, a friend of mine's daughter was going to be married that same day and my friend hasn't spoken to me since I elected not to go. Incidentally, she never sent me an invitation and I did send a card and gift. This same person never attended my (previous) wedding although invited and certainly didn't attend my daughter's. I let it go and chalked it up to her being thin-skinned. I don't have time for other people's drama/stuff. I've learned to do what I think is right and not worry so much about other people's reactions. It's about owning responsibility for ourselves, not others.

[Cheryl]

Good advice, Cheryl, but how long did this take? I mean before you began trying to re-enter the world? I'm soon at the one month mark and still feeling pretty raw emotionally. I've never been a social butterfly, and always felt I had enough with my husband. Now I realize I should have built up a stronger network, which I will probably need at some point. Being completely alone is actually pretty scary.

Melina

There have been many diffrent steps, I can't pinpoint a time when everything suddenly changed. It was very gradual. When Mark first died just trying to go for a walk around the block was incredibly painful, I avoided all my neighbors and went the other way if they were out front. But forcing myself to do something outdoors somehow helped me with the awful emotional pain. Then trying to go to work, which took several attempts and many early days home. Forcing myself to go to a support group at two months was the next step. Cried all the way there and hated everyone who was smiling at me. But it helped sooo much. At three months it was thanksgiving, followed by christmas. Which as you can imagine found me in the house with the blinds drawn. I couldn't go to a xmas party. Each month I would try something new and sometimes I felt good and other times things backfired and I was really depressed.

I don't want to scare or depress anyone but it really took me a full year before I was ready to be around any type of social situation. I am like you, I did everything with my husband and it wasn't out of being shy, I just loved being with my husband and didn't see any reason to do things without him.

But at some point I began to accept the fact that he was really not coming back and I needed to either choose to live or give up. I have never failed at anything before. There are days I am so excited about my progress but there are many still where I feel very sorry for myself and suprised that this really happened to me.

Everytime I hear about a happy second marraige, I pray that someday my heart will be open. I love Mark so much but the thought of being alone the rest of my life is too hard to bare. I'm no where ready to date again the thought turns my stomach but six months ago I was ready to end my life. So things change with hard, hard work.

[kayc]

So things change with hard, hard work.

How true.