MZM Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 Its 6 weeks since the accident and Zubeirs passing and memories are killing me:( Every night I dream of him, every morning I wake up losing him and face another memory. This morning, it was the weekend we spent with my parents at a game reserve-one of our best holidays...i remember every smile and ever little detail...but it hurts so much that i have to stop myself... Yesterday, it was about when he used to shave - i would rub my cheeks against his and call him baby-bum-skin... Everyday theres some memory/memories that i havent thought of in a while that I'd now think about - the little memories and little things...i miss him so much! Now theres somthing else - im a senior manager at the company i work for...and during my grief, i applied for a gap year job in the states...I got the call yesterday to say that both my sister and i are in (we're both under 29 years of age)... BUT! My mom has acute asthma how can we leave her? I know that my father, friends and family are also not happy at the fact that Ill come back and have to start from scratch again when right now im reaching a peek of my career… And theres my adopted sister (4 years old)... If i leave, Im leaving EVERYTHING and EVERYONE - thats huge:( Worst of all is that Im leaving Zubeir:( our life together is here....and i still feel like i have a part of it....call it denial, but once im on that plane, its officially Goodbye:( But, if I dont go, I cant get away from this hurt...plus the memories are killing me. I pass his house every day, pass the cemetery ever day - im dying inside. The only thing that there is to look forward to is this new thing of going... Im so torn… My boss also thinks I shouldnt go...HELP PLEASE!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 MZM, You are the only one who will be able to decide if you are making the right decision. However, I have to tell you that I don't believe the hurt will go away just because you are in a different place. If that is the only reason you are going, you may need to rethink. All grief books, councelors say don't make any major changes or decisions for the first year. Some can do that just fine, and others cannot. I wish I could tell you that making this change will cause you to hurt less, but I don't think it will. It will keep you maybe busier, and maybe that will help, I don't know. I wish you the best in whatever you do, go or stay. Praying for you as you struggle with your decision. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 I suggest you talk to a counselor to help you sort out your felings about moving away so soon.Sometimes it's hard to seperate what we want and what we need to do when we are in so much turmoil. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
west Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 it may be nice to be busy in a new job, but will you have any support if you go? Think about what you are leaving and weigh the pros and cons. make a list on paper; that use to be my husband's way of doing things. How I miss him and those lists which I made fun of! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 You are the only one who can know inside your heart what is the best thing to do. But one thing to consider is, we can't leave our pain behind, it comes with us. Certainly the future is a consideration, how it will ultimately affect your career...so is your family a consideration, your mom and little sister. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennalee Posted September 7, 2010 Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 MZM, my heart aches for you. All I can offer is that wherever you go, there you are. Meaning that running away will not take the grief away. I'm sorry, I'm sure that's kind of harsh and I don't mean it to be. I'd just rather you be prepared. I could go to the finest resort in the Caribbean right now but it's not going to bring Ajay back. My surroundings may change, but the condition of my heart doesn't. I'd suggest weighing the pros and cons of a possible move. If you're moving only to get away from the pain, you might want to reconsider. In fact, pushing through the pain is what can help lead to a faster recovery, at least, from what I'm reading. In the end, only you can decide what's right, just be prepared that as unfair as it is, the pain will only follow you. Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you know that whatever you decide, we'll support you 100%!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Korina Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 MZM: I agree with what everyone has already said - you are the only one who can make this decision, but leaving your home and support system will not leave your pain behind. There is no way around facing the pain, wherever you are, and facing it will make you stronger, truly it will. It sounds like a very big decision to make, so take your time and really consider everything and everyone involved (though it is not everyone's experience, I have found much support through friends and family). Think of you, Korina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MZM Posted September 8, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 Thank you everyone. Im so glad that I found this forum. Really! We have each other to help and we can get advice from people that can totally relate. Like Korina and probably all of you, my family and friends has definately been my greatest support - they have driven me to work when I couldnt see past the tears, they have forced food down my throat when I couldnt eat and have picked me up from the floor when I sat crying with no hope... I dont know how i would survive without them. I considered suicide in the first week, but knowing I had them, and seeing what we all went through when we lost 4 people (especially my zubeir) in that accident made me see that I have to just deal with it.You're all right, no matter where I go, i will have the memories. They are all with me...and oneday, i will smile at each and every one of them. My counselor said to me yesterday exactly what you all have said, and what Jennalee said, that I have to push through the pain to get to a faster recovery. I have to face all the pain... Mary, she also said to me that she doesnt advise that I make any decisions or big changes until i reach a 6 month mark...and still, its best to only make changes after 1 year... West, zubeir used to make me see reason too, I wish he were here, but I do know he's up there, guiding me. Right now, Ive completely lost the need to work but after chatting to you all and my friends and family, I think I need to wait a while. Maybe till November as they do another intake then... Thank you all...here for you just like you've been there for me... Best wishes MZM (M) in South Africa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 MZM, I thinking waiting until November would be a good compromise, and you know this group will always be here for you no matter where you are...we are just a click away. Whatever your decision, we are here. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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