Little Things

[melina]

I feel like I'm making a little progress now. I have one day that's basically a mess - sobbing and feeling like I just want to die. Then I'll have a day like today. I was able to do a few errands, buy a few necessities for the house and start fixing up my son's room. I vacuumed and emptied and put away a few boxes. I think I've mentioned we moved into this old house just before my husband died. I even did some electrical work with a lamp I bought.

Then after a trip to the grocery store, I went to fill gas in the car and as I stood there with the gas pump and the gas credit card, I realized I couldn't remember the pin code for the card. This is often the case, so I pulled out my cell phone to call my husband as I usually do when I forget pin codes, but stopped halfway. That was enough to get me crying. I must have looked insane. This middle-aged woman standing at the gas station with the pump in her hand, crying her eyes out. Just a little thing like that - but maybe I've been holding everything in today because I was determined to get something done.

Melina

[amysue]

Melina, I have been that crazy lady balling her eyes out at the gas station, and just about everyplace else in town. The world just keeps going on whethter we want it to or not. Its hard that no one around us realizes the great loss that has happened. The need to function and get stuff done is essential, but so is the grieving process. I found if I don't find time to grieve it finds me, and at very strange times ususally. for me it has almost been four months, It's funny cause it is not a slow progression to feeling better, it is a wild emotional roller coaster, and I feel like I am just on for the ride. But, as time passes, and days go by, little by little I am able to do more, and be functional, just functional with a big hole in my heart.

[MartyT]

Melina, dear ~ I just want you to know that I really appreciate your sharing with us your signs of forward progress. This is such an important part of healing ~ to take notice of all those little indicators that you're not standing still in your grief. Sometimes the signs are so subtle that we don't even recognize them (or we don't want to notice them, because we confuse holding onto our pain with holding onto our loved one), and so we have to make a Herculean effort to see them for what they are, to value them and even celebrate them. You are doing just that, and I am very, very proud of you.

And Amysue, I just love what you said: I found if I don't find time to grieve it finds me.

[melina]

Thank you, Marty, I appreciate your support. And Amysue, I completely understand your words. Grief finds us in all kinds of places.

Melina

[Billw]

Don't feel bad Melina, I'm 6'2'' 185 pound man that has been seen in various locations around town or driving down the road crying. One of the positive sides of that is being out of the house doing something else. I have given in to the fact that this hurts and it makes me sad. I have seen people at random places some times in my life sitting on the curb or maybe at the store and they are crying or look like they might have been upset, kinda puts a whole new perspective on that now doesn't it? Maybe they are like us, I never thought about that. I have a picture of my wife when she was about 4-5 years old, she's standing holding some fish they caught at a lake, she has her little face a scrunched up and eyes squinted in the sun it's the coolest thing I've ever seen. Every time I look at it I smile and my heart brims over with love for her. These are the things that I hold onto, when I can get to that spot she is so close I can almost touch her. I'm really glad to hear you got out today, sounds really productive. God bless....BW

[Perkins808]

It amazes me that in my everyday life, I feel like nobody has any idea what I am going through, that they can't relate. When I sign onto this site....I am surrounded by people who know EXACTLY what I am going through and can relate to everything.

Melina - I have been the woman sobbing in the front yard when I couldn't get the lawn mower started, my "lawn mower man" used to tune things up and hadn't gotten to it yet before he died.

BillW - I have had to pull my car over because I couldn't see through my tears to drive.

Amysue - my daughter made a picture slide show on you tube, I sit and watch it sometimes because I know it will make me cry. If I get the tears out in a "controlled" way I'll be good for at least a few hours.

Marty T - wow, what a huge revelation - we confuse holding onto our pain with holding onto our loved one. I don't think I even realized that was true until I read it!

We may each grieve in our own way, but there are so many threads that tie us all together. We all share the same feelings, the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness, the guilt, the anger.....I could go on and on. While I am so sorry that you are all going through this pain, it is comforting to know that someone else knows how I feel, knows the hell I'm going through....and I look at the people further along in the process with the hope that while I don't think I will ever "get over" the loss of my soulmate, I will be able to look back on all the memories we created and smile.....and maybe not feel the raw overwhelming pain that I feel now.

So I thank all of you, for your insights, for your thoughts and for your advice!

Tammy

[Korina]

Just to chime in, I too have been the lady with tears in her eyes or streaming down her face in many different public places. That's just the way of it.

Korina