Hi Everyone

[Nitz]

I found this site last night as a link on yahoo. I lost my husband of 28 years on 11/3/08. It was very sudden and I still do not have my feet firmly under me yet. Family members and friends think I am doing this all wrong. They think I should be done grieving by now. I work full time so that helps but evenings and week ends are still so hard. Sleeping is still an issue. How have people dealt with that? Our 30th wedding anniversary would have been tomorrow. The tears will not stop tonight. He was my best friend and I still have this huge hole in my heart and my life

[amysue]

hi, My boyfriend passed away four months ago tomorrow. he passed very suddenly as well, and I think it takes the body and mind a really long time to recover from a shock like that. I don't know that my mind can really grasp the concept of here one moment and gone the next. I had a chinese doctor read my pulse shortly after it happened and she said it was like every one of my organs was screaming, and that is really how I felt. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function for some time. Now I feel more like I am shutting off my emotions just so life can go on. There are no rules or guide book as to how you need to grieve, it is all personal and different for everyone. I really feel like I will never really get over this, I will just learn how to live with a hole in my heart. My heart goes out to you, I wish nobody had to feel this pain of losing someone so special. I hope you can find joy in things and people you still have with you here, and that your pain is not too great to bear.

[Lindakay]

Grief comes out differently for all. Within 2 weeks I got rid of 95% of all his clothes. My mother in law kept her husband's for 3 years. She apologized once and said it's all like he was alive and all in place for him. I told her it was ok and it was normal for some to feel that way. My mom was married 50 years and gave all away within a week. Your head is shutting off at night. There's a technique for relaxing and self hyposis from a pyschiatrist. We relive things and events so instead close your eyes and focus on seeing patterns and colors in the patterns, Not real stuff we've lived.

If you can see blue or purple then white light. Looks like cloudy plasma. The light will be so bright it'll make you wince. That is the "proverbial white light of healing". I'm not a nut. It works and these were published non fiction.

It's the state of mind before sleep and it's calming. Mine was 33 years and my best friend/lover/husband/soul mate for sure. Lindakay

[Cheryl]

I am a very hyper person and find it hard to shut my brain off. I was unable to sleep after my husbands death. After several really bad weeks I went to my family doctor and told him that I needed help. My mom has been addicted to sleep meds for 15 years and also anxiety meds. I did not want anything addictive, or that would need to be increased or weaned off of. I asked him for something that he would give pregnant women. He gave me trazadone which is considered a mild antideppresent, but in small doses it makes you a little sleepy. I took a 50mg tablet before I went to bed and it relaxed me enought to go to sleep. It has been a life saver. Once I started geeting 4-6 hours of sleep I began to cope better.

[Nitz]

I am so glad you had a doctor that was willing to help. I went to my doctor within a month of losing my husband and she told me my sleep issues were due to grief. That they would work out in time. Would not give me anything. I have tried over the counter meds. None seem to help that much. I have trouble falling asleep and than trouble staying asleep. I wake up every hour or so. I try to get between 4 - 5 hours per night. Not always easy and not all at one time. Maybe it is time to go back to the Dr. Thank you for the information on trazadone. I will ask her about it.

[MartyT]

Hi Nitz,

Difficulties with sleeplessness are very common in grief, and this topic has been discussed at length in our forums. I've assembled a list of threads with posts you may wish to read, and when you encounter embedded links to other resources, be sure to follow those, too:

Is It Normal Not to Sleep after a Death

It's One A.m. And I Can't Sleep Blues

Not Sleeping Thread & Links

DeStress Kit for the Changing Times

[kayc]

Nitz,

Welcome to this site. For your family and friends, you can tell them it's never "over" and each person deals with their grief individually.

Happy Anniversary. I know that sounds hollow being as he's gone but I tell you what, I tell my husband "Happy Anniversary" every year when it rolls around...he knows I'm thinking of him and miss him, and somehow I feel he hears me and knows that. I will never stop missing him...and it's been over 5 years now.

I rarely cry over him anymore, maybe I just don't see the point, it doesn't change anything. But always, always, I miss him...but somewhere around the third year I discovered something, I could carry him around in my heart. I never feel he leaves me, and that is a comfort to me.

I hope you don't think I'm crazy, but if I am, I know I'm not alone, I have plenty of good company.

Kay

[sunstreet]

I am sorry for your loss. I am sorry that you have people in your life that believe you should be done grieving by now. I have experienced that as well and I just looked for other supports. I lost my partner almost seven years ago. I believe we have to look at all the curcumstances in our life that may influence our griefwork. I so understand the sleeping thing but I can share that for me it has gotten easier. I got myself a nebulizer and I put lavendar essential oil in it and I find it very relaxing and comforting. I also listen to a cd from the Health Journey series to promote sleep and most nights now I am asleep before it shuts off.

Blessings,

Carol Ann

Edited September 16, 2010 by MartyT
Link inserted

[Korina]

I couldn't sleep for a month (at least I mostly remember lying awake and reliving every moment leading up to his death, every regret, and watching it get lighter outside...arghh!!!). I did find that I could fall asleep to the drone of the tv. And then one night, I slept. Don't know why, but I did.

I agree that we never 'get over it' - that phrase just sounds callous and dismissive. I believe we learn to live with our loss, just like someone who has lost an arm or a leg learns to live without that limb. It can be a good life, but it is a different life. And we will always always always miss our soulmate.

Hugs,

Korina