When Does The Hurting End?

[Bobby's Widow]

I was widowed suddenly and unnecessarily 2.5 yrs. ago. My husband was only 51 and I was 48. He was an independent truck driver and on the road to Laredo TX at the time. Luckily (I guess if lucky can even be applied) he had gotten no farther than GA - we live in SC - before he started having problems. He died of a dissecting aotic aneurysm. Usually people just fall over dead of these. He lived almost 24 hrs. The drs. couldn't diagnose the problem, although from my reading he had all of the classic symptoms. He was shuffled from one hospital to another, drs. mismanaged his care, etc. There is an active medical malpratice suit in progress. The experts say if he had been diagnosed and treated correctly he would most probably have recovered completely and still be with me now. As it was I didn't even make it to the hospital they had transferred him to in time to see him one last time. I had to go to north GA to get his cat off the truck (his request) then drive another 3hrs. to get to him. Shortly after I arrived I was told he was brain dead and all I could do at that point is make the decision to remove him from life support. I was all alone. I say all of this as background.

He was my best friend as well as my husband. I grew up in the Air Force and he was one of the few people I'd known my whole life. We'd always been friends but in 1996 something happened and it bacame more than that. He understood me and accepted me exactly as I was. He once told me when I apologized for not having make up on that when he looked at me all he saw was me, not whether I was wearing make up or not he just saw ME.

Since his death I have been a totally different person. My first thought every morning is of his absence. I am agoraphobic and will only leave home when I absolutely have to. I am severely depressed and have even considered suicide but my beliefs tell me I will never see him again if I do that so I keep struggling to get by. No antidepressant works so I don't take anything. I keep getting sabotaged by memories that come out of nowhere and kick me in the gut so hard it takes my breath. We had so many good times together doing everything and nothing. When will I be able to deal with this??? When will the hurting become bearable??? When will I feel whole again not half of something and incomplete???

[sunstreet]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank for sharing and I want you to know that I have heard you. I am just so sorry for the pain you are now in. I welcome you and I assure you that it is safe here. I understand your pain as do many others here you are not alone. I want to encourage you that what you are feeling is entirely normal and our pain can become something we can carry and still function and even thrive in our lifes once again.

It will be 7 years this December 25, that my partner suicided, so I understand the pain of loosing someone so dear so suddenly. I was once where you are at now in my journey and never thought I would be able to enjoy life again. I want to share with you that I can now ride the waves of pain when they come and enjoy my life as well.

I have shared before in this forum what I am about to say to you and I hope it is an image that resonates with you and you can use to help you through those dark despairing times. I view grief much like the ocean. Sometimes the ocean is in a state of a storm, and the waves massive, sometimes it is just choppy and the waves not so massive, and then sometimes the ocean is calm and there are no waves. One thing is certain, all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate. So then my belief is to just accept that the waves will come and our task/choice is to do what we have to do to learn to ride the waves of life again in joy.

I want to encourage you to look at not just the ending of life with Bobby but your whole life together. Bobby's death ceratinly is the most painful part, but what helped me a lot was to remember all the love that I gave, and I felt, the times we shared, the dreams we had, and to remember that for a time I was truly blessed to feel loved unconditionally.

I don't think anyone person can tell you when the pain becomes bearable for this journey is one we alone have to walk and look for support that helps us to continue walking. All I can say is how vitally important it is to find good supports for yourself as you weather this storm.

Blessings,

Carol Ann

[kayc]

Let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I'm not sure the hurting "ends" so much as we slowly become accustomed to the changes wrought on us. You say antidepressants don't work for you...I got off antidepressants when George and I were together so I didn't want to go back on them when he died...I felt the depression was situational rather than chemical anyway, so I decided to tough it out. I am, however, on antianxiety medicine because I feel GAD is a lifelong disorder that I've had and needed something to manage it. Barring medicine, there are other things one can do to help elevate their mood. Exercise being one of them, I walk the dogs twice a day...they're large strong dogs so it's quite a workout. Getting out and around nature is also a mood elevator, and so is spending time with pets. Music can alter one's mood, so long as it's uplifting, that can be a good thing. Some people practice yoga to help them manage their moods. Limiting exposure to depressing things such as the news is also helpful. Helping others also improves one's outlook and feelings, so volunteerism and spending time with others helps. Other boosters are accomplishing something, so it's good to try your hand at things you previously haven't done. We have good opportunity for that when we've lost our mate. I try to visit people in nursing homes every week. Taking care of yourself both with diet, exercise, and time spent on YOU is also good. Get together with friends and enjoy a up of coffee or tea together. None of these things replace your husband, and you won't ever feel the same again, but everything we do to focus on the positive and take care of our spiritual and physical and mental selves is good...it all helps.

[Cris]

I truly understand your pain! I lost my husband Larry 3 years ago! He was only 52 and I was 49. He had a heart attack on his Bday and died. I found this site by accident one very lonely weekend just recently. The people here seem really understanding and feel the same pain. I didnt want in this club but it wasnt my choice.I still cry everyday. Sometimes a little sometimes a lot! But, i do believe I will be with him again. I wont lie Ive felt like dying also! But I have 2 wonderful kids and would never do that to them. The pain sometimes takes over. I try also to walk the dog everyday and pray and talk to him. I have very good friends but feel they truly have no idea! Unless you lost the love of your life you dont get it!!I never would wish this pain on anyone!! But I will say if you keep busy and hold onto the memories you have it helps! Hang in there and dont give up! Its a total work in progress! God Bless Cris

[MZM]

I can totally relate when you say "I am severely depressed and have even considered suicide but my beliefs tell me I will never see him again if I do that so I keep struggling to get by. No antidepressant works so I don't take anything. I keep getting sabotaged by memories that come out of nowhere and kick me in the gut so hard it takes my breath. We had so many good times together doing everything and nothing. When will I be able to deal with this??? When will the hurting become bearable??? When will I feel whole again not half of something and incomplete???"

I too contemplated suicide and the only thing that stopped me what that I know I would go to hell and never see him again. The memories for me too are taking over and kick me in the gut like you say. When will i feel whole again - I also want to know...

All i do know hun is that we're going through the process...and that at 8 weeks since the accident when i lost my love, thats all that I can say "we're going through the process and have to be patient with ourselves"...God will get us through...and we're all here for each other...lots of hugs and love, M

[Korina]

I think Kay has offered many very useful suggestions to help us all cope with the loss of our soulmate. In addition to volunteerism, can you perhaps do something to honor him, something that would make him proud? Maybe it is raising money in his name for a charity close to his heart.

What has helped me mostly it to have a purpose in life - that being to raise our daughter and to be a good mom. That, I know, is not only something Scott expects of me, but it makes him proud.

Korina