Half A Year Today, Sept 24Th

[heartaches]

Hello,

This is the first time I am writing.

I have been reading this site for a couple of weeks, and it has given me support, this sharing of thoughts and feelings.

It has been 6 months since my sweet mom passed away.

I have been trying so hard to carry on, to function, to live how she would want me too.

I have been trying to be so busy, but today I just crashed. I cried and cried all day.

I spoke to my brother, and that helped.

Life is meaningless, and seems rather stupid!

I always thought that if my mom ever died (if!) I would not choose to live.

She knew this, and she often told me that I had to be strong. She said everyone has to die, her mom died and she had to live through it.

She was always preparing me. I must say my mom's passing was sudden and not expected. She always just wanted to make sure I was ok, and that I would be ok.

Bless her, as I carry her words of strength and love with me.

I know it would break her heart if she knew I was crying so much.

It still feels like a shock, unreal and unbelievable.

I miss her so much, she was everything to me, my brother and my dad.

I have to live for my dad, my brother and his family.

I have to live to honour her memory.

She taught me so many beautiful things, including empathy and kindness.

She was a great beautiful spirit with a lovely smile and gorgeous green eyes and a heart of gold.

I think that is all I will say today.

Thank-you for listening (anyone) and hearing my words, my vow to have strength.

Karen

[Aquarius7]

Hi Karen,

Welcome to the forum! I am sorry you and the rest of us are here. But here is a cyber hug ((((((( )))))))

I too lost my Mom. I am now an adult orphan. Unfortunately my siblings have no clue as to what that is as I have studied and am doing grief work while they just live in denial and avoid the issue. You can read my story in my other posts.

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom. What you are doing is good: let your feelings out here.

[missingmy daddy]

Hello Karen,

I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs to you. We have all lost someone here and I have found the support and understandig are wonderful. Like you I am trying to be strong for everyone else and find it hard to let my emotions out at times. Coming here and being able to say what I am going through has helped so much. Just knowing everyone here understands. So welcome to the site and please feel free to come and say whatever you need to say. It sounds like your Mom was a wonderful person and loved you very much. I don't care how old you are when you lose your parent; it is devestating. So whatever it takes us to get through the day we must now do. It has been 14 months since I lost my Daddy and I still miss him every day. We are here to listen whenever you need to talk. Hugs and love to you.

[DebFromLodi]

Karen...so very sorry for your loss. i, too, lost my mom but it has been over 2 years. i miss her more and more with each passing day. Please know you are in my prayers for healing.

[niamh]

hi Karen,

welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet Mom. I too lost my Dad suddenly just over 9 months ago, I still feel the shock of it, sometimes I still find it so hard to believe this really happened, it's not a bad dream I will wake from, it's reality.

My Mom & I both find life so meaningless now, we were my Dad's life and he was ours, now we are just hanging on for each other doing the best we can but so much is gone now and we're just left with so much loneliness.

I hope you will find a tiny comfort knowing others can relate to your feelings.

((hugs)) to you

Niamh

[kellies]

Karen,

I jumped onto the site this morning just to get a quick read of anything new (makes me feel better to connect with this site).... and within 3 minutes was in tears over reading your post about your mom. I was super close with my mom too and she taught me so much and even though I did know she was very sick (stage 4 cancer) and was going to die (vs. it being a surprise for your family), I have taken it so much harder than I thought I would... and so much harder than she would have wanted me to. The day she went into the hospital for the last time (before dying) she kept telling me to go home and be with my baby and husband (vs. being with her) and she actually apologized to me for causing me so much grief (I was stooped over her bed crying my eyes out). I am crying while typing this just thinking about it.

6 mos. isn't very long.... you will have a ways to go time wise before the cloud lifts for you. It's been over 7 mos. for me and I still cry frequently. Basically it just takes time. This site has helped me so much. If you feel like you can't live without your mom, just think about what she would want. It sounds like she definitely wouldn't want you to die over her.... honestly, after my mom died, I wanted to kill myself by overdosing on all of her medication (which was at my house) and I truly thought that my baby and husband would be better off without me.... and then went on anti-depressants and came to my senses. I was out of my mind with grief. My baby and husband are MUCH better with me alive vs. dead. Something that has helped me live a more meaningful life that makes me feel connected to my mom is to raise money for a charity that she was involved with. It makes me feel like she is still here and would be so happy that I am helping this charity.

I truly feel so bad for you Karen. For whatever it's worth, I am thinking about you and hope that you can move forward to find meaning and peace with her life and death. She would want that.

-kellie

[heartaches]

Hello everyone!

Thank-you so much for your kind words and thoughts.

It means so much to me, to have and to read your messages.

It really touches me very deeply that you all took the time to write.

It does seem like we are all in this together.

It is true, unless you have lost someone you loved, you have no idea, you just cannot imagine how it feels.

I realize that I will never get over it, (my 90 year old aunt said you do not get over it, you learn to live with it)

but I have to carry on, each step at a time.

We all do.

Hugs to you all.

[Kim P.]

Hi Karen,

I saw your post and it hit close to home. My mom passed away on January 23rd of this year, she was 51, and I was 28 at the time. She had a long term illness, but we never expected her to pass away at such a young age, it all happenened so fast. I truly know how you are feeling, you are not alone. There are days that I will be sitting at work and little things will remind me of her and I just get filled up with emotion.....There is this song by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole "Somewhere over the rainbow" and whenever it comes on I know my mom is saying hi. We played this song at her funeral.......My mom has only been gone for 10 months, and sometimes I wonder if I can go the rest of my life without her. Just thinking about it sucks. Knowing that I will never ever get to talk to her, see her, hug her breaks my heart. She was my best friend, and life without her will never be the same. I am so thankful for this forum. It has given me hope that maybe one day I will be able to accept that she is gone........but for right now, I am just not ready to. I know that right now you and I are feeling the same way, and it is tough. Just know that one day we will be able to see our mom's one day, and it will be the best day ever. I am sending you a huge hug!!!!!!

Kim

[heartaches]

Dear Kim,

Thank-you for your thoughts.

I am very sorry about your mother.

It is so very very hard. Every day.

I am 47 years old! Your mom was only 4 years older then myself. I certainly do not feel old myself.

Your mom was so young! My mom was 78, and some people say oh that is so young, or so old, whatever their perspective is.

It is all the same, no matter how old you are, it hurts the same. I am lucky I had my mom as long as I did, and so sorry you lost your mom so soon.

I think we never get 'over it.' We learn to accept it, I guess in time.

I do not know where I would be if I did not believe she was with me, watching me.

I have experienced so many signs -scents, coincidences, and dreams.

But until I see her form standing right before me, I will keep wishing for that.

Don't know if that makes me sound unstable, but I have to speak my truth.

Love never dies. Just because she is not in her body, does not mean the relationship is over. Love survives.

I must admit, I do hope my beliefs in an after life are true. It is a faith we must have.

I have seen a ghost and a spirit in my past, but still, I feel my faith is questioning, because now it is so real, my mom.

Well we both believe we will see our moms when we die, and what joy will that be!!!!!!

Then we will say, 'oh if I had really known this, then I could have lived with more peace.'

But right now we are here, living now, in this grief and despair.

You have a long life in front of you, and you will experience a great many joys (and tribulations), and your mom

will be with you every step of the way. And your mom would want you to enjoy your life.

Easier said then done! That is my wise older self taking to you.

The real me is just enduring life, and I cannot imagine having to live too much longer. I am not interested in living.

I will not do anything to take to my own life, but I will welcome my death. I have not kids, but if I did, I certainly would not say that.

Everyone has to live through grief, eventually. Others live one,..I know I just have to find something worthwhile in life.

I am my mother's daughter, living on in her honour. She will live on in me, so I will strive to be strong, gracious and kind.

Maybe if I think of that when I laugh and find joy, she is too. But if I continue to cry and be so so so sad, she will feel that, and be upset for/with me.

And I do want her to be at peace, and not to worry about me.

I do not know any answers. This is the first time I have experienced this. The very worst had happened.

And I feel it is just getting worse!

This is all I will write, I do hope to hear from you again, and anyone else of course.

Take good care of your self, Kim,

Karen

[Kim P.]

Hi Karen,

Thankfully I was able have my mom as long as I did. Although I wish I could have had her a lot longer. She and I really started to become best friends after I moved out and spread my wings as she would say. We would talk every day on the phone, sometimes twice I day. I sure miss those conversations.

You are right, no matter how old the person is when they pass, it still hurts the same. I have heard people make reference to people that pass at a old age saying, "they lived a long life, it was their time." I never realized its importance until my mom passed. Even if my mom would have passed away in 30 years, I would still feel deeply saddened. Even though I lost her at such a young age, I feel in a way that it made me stronger. There are days that I don't agree with the sentence I just wrote, but for the most part, I feel a sense of strength from losing her. She taught me a lot in life, and she also taught me a lot in her death.

I along with my family was with my mom at her home when she passed. I got the call on a Thursday morning that Hospice was going to bring her back home. All of her kids and close family members went to her house to be with her. We took turns caring after her. That Friday night we all laid with her on her bed, playing some of her favorite music in the background. Her dog Joy laid with us on the bed as well, and it was almost as if Joy knew what was going on. Animals are so intuitive, it's pretty amazing. Her breathing patterns started to change a bit that night, they seemed to be more labored. I think that is when I started to realize the reality of her not being here anymore. I guess in a weird way, I was still holding onto hope that shew ould snap out of it and magically get better. Most of us ended up going to sleep that night in other bedrooms, but my brother and step-dad stayed up in her room with her. I got a knock on my door around 5am and it was my Nana telling me that she was gone. Geez, just typing those words was difficult..........It has really troubled my brother that he was asleep when she passed. But honestly I feel like she wanted to wait until we were all asleep. I know that she would have wanted it that way.

Like you said, I don't think we will ever "get over it." The only thing that saves me now is having my brother to talk to, and the dreams that I have of her. I feel like she visits me in my dreams. Not as often as I would like, but I will take what I can get. I have always been very intuitive of spirits, and she was aware of this. So I hoping one day she will visit me. Hopefully it won't scare the heck out of me :-) So I totally know how you feel about wanting to see your mom. I think that would be so awesome. Sometimes I think that maybe I think about it too much. Who knows. I have this box of things that she has given me over the past, so I go to it when I am having a tough time. And it always makes me fel comforted. I enjoy going up to my parents house and being surrounded by my mom's stuff. My step-dad hasn't moved a thing, and honestly, I don't think he ever will. I am thankful for that.

I totally understand where you are coming from when you say that you aren't interested in living anymore. I feel the exact same way. My brother does as well. We all know that we would never do anything to harm ourselves, it's just that our lives have changed, forever. I don't get excited about things as much as I used too. I used to be afraid of death, the unknown, before she passed. But now I am not afraid because I know (hope) that I will see her again. I know this might sound a little crazy, but I feel like my dog really has helped me through a lot of this. My family has been great, by my dog has really been my rock. Animals sure know how to make you feel better.

Sometimes when I am crying, I wonder if she can see me. I don't want her to worry about me. So I try to be strong, but sometimes it is hard. Just when I feel like I am doing ok with her being gone, I fall back down again. Sometimes I wonder why we are put on this earth? Some of us have to endure much heartache, so it just makes me question things. Some people have to suffer from terrible illness's. And it just makes me wonder why some people have to go through it while other just live their happy pain free lives’. I try not to resent people who have healthy parents, but it is something that I have done since my mom became ill. I know that is not good, but it is just feeling that I have.

Well, at least we both know that our mom's are in a better place now. Looking forward to talking to you again.

Kim

[heartaches]

Hi Kim,

Yes no one will ever love us like our moms did!

I love that point in life when you realize your mom is a person too, (not just your mom).

I discovered that when I first moved away for university. Then she soon became my best friend.

Your statement about you having a sense of strength by way of your mom's death..that resonates with me.

It is true, things like this will make you stronger. And that she taught you a lot in life and in her death.

It is finding some light in all of this. At times I feel I can find those glimmers. I think in time, this is what will sustain us.

I cried when I read your paragraph about your mom's last day.

Yes, I have read, the dying usually wait till they can be alone, to let go.

It sounded peaceful for her.

And it is true, typing, putting into words the situation, almost absurd.

Is this really me typing about my mom? About her death? Wait I have to call her and tell her all this...almost feel like I can..., I want to tell

her all about this. She would be so interested, and why cannot I not just call her? She would be the greatest help to me now, helping me with her

strength and love.

I kind of just have to detach from myself to carry on and type.

I am glad you have your brother. I have a brother too, he is older, and he is very supportive, and very very upset too.

My dad is 87, and still living at their home. And he hasn't moved anything either. Well when I go home (I live in another province), that

is my thing to do or not to do. Her blouses still hang on the closet door knob, her favourite fleece on the other door. Her clothes still folded

on the chair, her purse underneath the chair. While she was in the hospital I started sleeping with her housecoat! I told her that I was doing that, the following

day, and she did look at me in a very surprised way. I think she thought she would be home in a few days, and why was I making such a fuss?

I slept with it for the following two months, and it is still there in my bed at home.

It is very comforting to have all her things still in place. She often lied on the bed to watch tv,... so afterwards you could either find me or my brother on that spot,

just breathing in her place, trying to be close to her, where she always used to be.

And yes, animals are great! They are nothing but love on 4 legs! And they are also very intuitive.

And I believe when you are crying, your mom is right there with you.

Thought is energy, we are all energy, and your thoughts will bring her to you.

I am glad you have been having visitation dreams. But the point is we have to go on living, and cannot depend on these visits.

We have to find our own strength, that is why they are not as often as we wish.

My mom saw her sister,..her older sister appeared before my mom. My mom was in Arizona, her sister in Canada. Her sister died, and at that same time,

appeared to my mom. It was in the middle of the night, and in the living room, her sister sat in the chair across from her. My mom said she looked really young, and healthy,

and she said she was fine, and ok. My mom went back to bed, and the phone rang shortly after saying her sister had passed.

Well that is all I can write for now,

take good care,

Karen

[KJO]

Hello Karen,

Welcome to the forum. I have lost my Mum in late August. I never expected to feel the pain and anguish the way I do about it after her death. Not in a long shot! It is like being sick, or hung over. I can sense a crying episode coming on, just like a spell of nausea. It is one of those moments you do not know if you are going to be strong enough to hold it in, or if it will come pouring out of you when it wants to. Right now, I am hovering in and around a numb state with a few emotional outbursts from time to time. I cannot say that I have crashed yet, but I certainly recognise the potential. It comes with having to be composed and upheld for the benefit of others. I'll see how I get through the holidays. These were some special feelings discussed in the latter posts. The common denominator of them all is 'Love.' That never goes away. Your obvious love of and from your Mom carries on within you. It is yours now. You are not crazy either. I catch an occasional 'scent visit' from my mother sometimes which is a beautiful feeling. I do not know what I would do if I should see her. I dunno. Just know, and understand that we are all going through the same individual hell as you are, and if you want to talk it over, please do so freely. I wish I could talk to someone when I am up all night. :-) It is a process. Your Mom had green eyes? Mine did too. Oh what I would do to see them again. You say you have to live for your surviving family. Give yourself permission to live for yourself as well. It is your day now. Hug.

[DebFromLodi]

Karen

Your mom is still alive in every word you wrote. She taught you all the things you need to know in life. Listen to your heart and you will hear your mom's sweet voice.

[schellyk]

Karen,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your mom. I lost my dad 6 monthes ago coming up on november 2nd. I just cannot believe he is really gone from my life for now. I miss him sooooo much. Your mom sounds like a wonderful person and I am sure she is watching over you and is with you always. I read a prayer today that i think really is soo comforting to start each day" Lord, Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning< for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.

I know God is always with us and is beside us every minute of every day even when we feel the most alone. You are in my prayers karen.