Learning About Grief

[Cheryl]

I have had a particular rough three days. To the point that I got a hold of my support group and asked for a list of therapists that specialized in grief counseling. I have felt like I might be having a nervous breakdown. Anxiety attacks in the middle of the night, heart racing and serious sadness. Not to the point of contemplating suicide but to the point that once again I see no hope and no way out. I have felt overwhelmed by simple tasks and unable to participate in anything. Cooking, cleaning, phone calls are barely getting done. I have felt lost and utterly alone. I have felt like I have no idea how to proceed.

It was all triggered by my two dogs getting into a fight and one being horribly mauled. Blood everywhere and her skin peeled back in flaps. I couldn't get the fight to stop and when I finally got them apart, I completely lost it. My kids had to call a neighbor to come peel me off the front lawn and rush my dog to the emergency vet. I needed my husband so desperatly to hold me up and he wasn't there. My poor neighbor listened to me wail and started to cry when he could not get me to stop freaking out. It has taken me three days to feel like I might be able to breath again.I have never fallen apart like this. Even when the Doctor told me that Mark had died in the wreck I kept it together. I feel like my world has finally caved in on me. I know all the things to say to myself and what I am supposed to do but I have no desire to even try. It's like I have finally been broken. Grief wins and I can no longer fight.

I am forcing myself to go to my support group tonight but I feel like I am in a fog. I have pulled out all my grief books and they say the same thing. Be patient. It feels good to write about my set back but I still feel defeated and so very, very sad for all that I have lost. I didn't do anything to deserve this amount of pain. I can tell I'm starting to ramble. If only my Mark would come take care of me.

[Sharon3]

I get it............I am in a place now that is different. Befoe I was fighting the pain and grief and trying everything to survive and keep busy to avoid the pain....now I am in a place where I don't care about anything or anyone....I just want to be by myself...I think I have gone from grief to depression.......crying all the time. It has been 18 months and now I see no hope for my life. It is such a roller coaster....I hope it passes. I feel your pain and I hope bettter days ahead for all of us.

[Ron B.]

Cheryl,

You have given so much to so many in these forums. I look to your posts for clear and steady thinking through grief. I really didn't expect to read that you've recently had such trouble. But everybody here also has trouble. Maybe it's that we expect too much of ourselves sometimes. We try so hard to keep it together, then some incident like the dog-fight will have our world come crashing in on us. Cheryl, take heart with your friends here, we will stick with you through any crisis. The dog-fight was just that, a dog-fight. It triggered something bigger within you. Maybe you held a lot back when your husband passed away, and so now your grief has come out uncontrollably. It's not necessarily bad that you got so upset; crying and collapsing is a release of emotional tension. If that's how grief comes out, maybe that's how it was meant to be. Forgive yourself. You can't control everything, though we try to do just that. I am sorry about your dogs, but what happened is part of their nature and we have to accept that too. I went through one similar breakdown in my own grief. Just like you, I went to get professional psychological help. I found a psychologist, and he gave me some tools to cope with emotional distress. I stabilized to 'normal' in about six weeks. By the way, we are not supposed to be at war with grief in a grief verses us scenario. In that set-up grief can win and we can lose. Rather I think we need to integrate with our grief, giving it expression while toning down some of the pain. Breakdowns are probably unavoidable, but don't forget when we succeed in expressing our grief in healthy ways. All that grief work we've been doing isn't for nothing. Real healing takes place too, probably in equal measure to the breakdowns. And I do not believe you are broken. Not at all. Your integrity as a person is intact. You will survive all of this. And you know it. Grief has just dug a little deeper into your humanity. You may feel defeated now, but nature also gives you powers of recuperation. For now, I hope you can give your mind some rest. So much has happened it will take time to digest.

Ron B.

[Lainey]

Dear Cheryl,

Sometimes we make ourselves be strong in the beginning , and then something comes along and we lose it.

Your dogs fighting and the blood etc. could have sparked a memory that you wanted to forget. Could it have been the accident that took Mark that you are trying to forget? We all need to be able to grieve, trying to keep it together for others is just going to hurt us in the long run.

You need to take the time to be good to yourself, be patient with yourself, go to the support group for help and keep coming here and posting.You have us to support you.

We've all been where you are, it truly does get better.

Hope you begin to feel better soon.

Hugs,

Lainey

[melina]

You're having a set-back, which I have come to understand is normal, but of course hearing it's normal doesn't help much. This whole grief thing feels freakish and horrible and not normal at all. The dog fight may have sparked a memory, but more likely it was just one more burden that finally tipped the scales. A burden you should have been able to share with your husband.

I've been feeling the same way - haven't been able to get anything done and just sit and sob. All I can think about is if only he were here, if only I could go back in time and change everything, or wake up and it would be over - that all of it was a nightmare.

Yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist recommended by my grief counselor. So my grief has stepped up from counselor to psychiatrist. I don't know if it will help, but I'm on antidepressants and increasing the dose. I just need to get through each day without breaking down.

I hold out some hope that this will change in time and that the acute phase we're in will fade and allow us to live again. It's good you have a support group anyway. And you have us. Hang in there.

Melina

[Chrissie]

Cheryl,

I completely understand how you're feeling. It seems like ever since Tim passed away, anything and everything that could go wrong in the house, HAS!! I've locked myself out at 2am after working for 10hrs, the air conditioner guit working when it was an Arizona 110 day, and I could go on. Finally the other day I just couldn't take it anymore, I just sat down and sobbed. I even called in sick. All I could think of was, why isn't he here to help me with all this?? I know my little incidents are not nearly as bad as what happened to you, we love our pets and don't want to see them hurt and I hope they are doing ok, but it does show that even the little things can just put us over the edge. Hang in there, keep going to your group, and remember we are all here for you. Lots of Hugs!!

Chris

[Cheryl]

Thank you everyone! All your support and similar experiences help me understand it's all part of the progress. I am doing sooo much better. I was really caught off gaurd by the intensity of the grief but I'm realizing now that it was due to a bunch of things piling up. Something needed to give and it was my emotional state that spiraled out of control with the dog fight. I think that because I have made so much progress I didn't think it was possible to take such a big step backward. It felt like failure but was actually a reality check, there are still ups and downs. Some of the downs will be bigger than others. I will be more prepared for something like this if it happens again. I have decided to meet with the therapist in two weeks so that she can help me set goals and expectations that are realistic. I need someone to push me a little bit, someone impartial and trained in grief recovery. I think I might be expecting too much sometimes. I want things to be "normal" again. I need help defining the new normal. It is a happy wednesday! And my sweet dog is recovering. thanks all!

[sunstreet]

Dear Cheryl,

I am sorry you were triggered and really brought to home your loss and that we have to face challenges in life without our soulmate to hold us, comfort us, share with us. I think it entirely normal to have the experience of totally letting our pain surface after witnessing something so frightening, heart wrenching and triggering and needing our soulmate so much and then on top of what we just witnessed, we are slapped again with the reality our spouse is not with us any longer.

I really encourage you to not look at grief as something you must fight. I believe it is something that just is and the only way to healing is to accept it and let our pain out when it comes knocking; so it doesn't get built up and come out like the damn just gave way. It is all normal in my opinion.

I myself try to deny the pain, sometimes unconsciously I found out. Acceptance, is hard and we have a right to take as much time as we need to get there without judgement from ourselve's or others.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[MZM]

*hugs* Cheryl and like rob said - you've always been one to help... I can only imagine what you must have felt... I do know that everyone experiences set-backs...be easy with yourself...and remember we love you!

M

[LostmyHoney]

Cheryl,

I am sorry that you had to go through a tramatic event like that but am glad to hear things are a little better. Have your dogs ever done that befor? Im asking because I believe that our pets can feel the loss of a loved one as well. The change in the family dynamics can also trigger behavior problems with pets. I pray that all goes well with your family and healing. God Bless You!

Rachel

[Cheryl]

They had never fought until after Mark died. It's been twice now. They don't get as much attention because I am gone all day. Mark was home fixing equipment for jobs alot during the day. I am sure it's because of our lifestyle change. I have learned that they fight only when they are both trying to get attention from me at the same time. For now I'm keeping them seperated when I'm not home so that they can greet me seperatly when I return. So many changes to my life and none of them are easy.