My Best Friend Died Yesterday

[Butch]

I've known the day was coming, but I had always imagined it would be preceded by a decline in health, and the horrible decision of when to put the suffering to an end - and then to be with Daisee when that time came and hold her in my arms when we said goodbye.

But instead, my healthy, happy, frolicking 12 year old Daisee, who was fine (playing with her little sister and rolling around in the freshly mowed grass) at 3:30, was dead in the yard at 5:00. I've never been so devastated in my life as I was when I went to call her in for dinner and instead found her lifeless body out in the yard where she'd been playing 90 minutes earlier. No sign of struggle, no injuries, no blood, no nothing. Just my best friend in the world dead. I must have sounded like a lunatic with my screaming (as if I care).

I've cried more in the past 30 hours than I've cried in my life all put together, and the hurt is so immense it feels like it will never go away. I'm a veterinary technician, so I understand that these things can and do happen, but they don't happen to me and my Daisee, y'know? She had had an emergency splenectomy (spleen removal) last August, and came through with flying colors. Ever since she's been my same old silly Daisee girl, as healthy as could be. Yesterday she ate her breakfast, took naps as usual, helped me clean up the bowl I'd made egg salad in (her favorite), and then come out to inspect my mowing job. And then she was gone. Just like that.

I'm so thankful for so many things - she didn't suffer; she didn't go into a decline before she died; her last day was a gorgeous sunny, breezy summer day; she was with those that she loved right up until the end; she didn't have to suffer the indignity of a planned death (as good as that is for our pets sometimes); and she was obviously happy and healthy and feeling fine just before the end.

But oh God it hurts so much right now I can hardly stand it. I never knew I could or would miss her so much when she was gone. I live out in the country, where she was queen of all she surveyed. I'm going to bury her next to the little stream that runs past my house, where I can see her grave from my bedroom window. Someday I'll plant a tree there to remind me of her always.

I'm thankful also that her little sister Pancho is still with me. She's very huggable and cuter than almost anything. But poor Pancho has never ever been without her Daisee, so I'm not sure how she's going to fare for the next little while. I'm about to start nursing school in August, so I'll be gone all day every day, and I'm really worried about her. I know there will be other dogs in my life, maybe sooner, maybe later, but there will be. I'm so worried about Pancho though, I'm almost tempted to let another dog find us sometime soon, but that brings a whole other set of problems in my current situation.

I know this probably sounds a little over the top, but Daisee and I had been through so much stuff together (depression, marriage, divorce, several moves, quitting my career and going back to school, etc, etc, etc). It's just going to be really hard without her, and there will certainly never be a replacement for Daisee, that I know.

I hope everyone will know the kind of love Daisee and I shared for nearly 11 years. But parting is such pain. I only hope the memories of that love and devotion are enough to heal it for me..

Peace everybody,

Butch

Newport, VA

Daisee Lulu

1993 - 6/15/2005

[MartyT]

Oh Butch, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your heart must be breaking into a hundred little pieces, and I can only imagine how much this hurts. I'm so glad you included a picture of your beloved Daisee -- what a face! Those eyes! No wonder you loved her so much -- and the love she feels for you is written all over that beautiful, expressive face!

I found this rendition of the Rainbow Bridge just yesterday. I've placed a link to it on the Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers page on my Grief Healing Web site, and I share it with you now in hopes that it will bring you some measure of comfort. I've a feeling that your precious Daisee is there right now, waiting . . .

Please know that you are in my heart tonight.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[sunstreet]

Butch...I am so very sorry for the seemingly unbearable pain that you are now experienceing. I know that it feels as though your heart is just going to explode and you feel like you will just not be able to make it through to tommorrow. I know I have been right where you are now. Daisee's picture that you shared with all of us illustrates and confirms the love you both shared. Hang onto that love Butch, the bond you shared with Daisee survives death. I speak from the experience of having been in the torrent sea of pain that you are in to let you know that in time you will again smile when you think of Daisee.

Butch, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take good care of yourself.

Carol

[Butch]

Thanks y'all. It's still very hard, and I still cry when I think of Daisee. I guess I always will. The good news in our lives is that on Tuesday 6/21 I went to a local shelter and adopted Lulu. She's a real love. A little 4-5 month old hound mix (100% dog) with the sweetest disposition I've ever seen. She's house trained, and has shown no intent to chew anything in the house but her toys! She's pretty much a dream puppy. She'll never replace my Daisee, but she's already wormed her way into our hearts (mine and Pancho's). And who could possibly resist that stand-up left ear?

Butch

[truckgirl]

You're braver than I am Butch! I didn't get another dog for YEARS after I lost my doggie! THEN...two years ago I rescued my baby, pepper, a german shep/collie mix. She's about 10 and she was beaten and starving to death...by my ex friend.

I hope all is going well with your new baby!

[Eliza]

Butch,

[Eliza]

This is the first time I've ever been involved in a chat group, so I accidentally sent just the opening of my last attempt!

I know that you posted your message nearly three months ago, but it really touched me and I felt like I needed to reply. I hope you have had some success in moving through your grief (I'm sure Lulu has helped a lot), and if so, maybe you can help me do the same. I just lost my best friend two days ago and I am feeling exactly like you were in June. My best buddy, Winnie, was a calico kitty with beautiful green eyes. She and I (and her sister Tigger) went through an amazing amount together (divorce, loss of my father, law school, several jobs and other ups and downs), in fact most of my adult life was spent with them by my side.

I lost sweet little Tigger a year and a half ago, and the only thing that made it at all bearable was that Winnie was still with me. She and I have had a very special bond that only grew stronger over the 13 years that she shared my life. I feel so lucky that I had that many wonderful years. But, now the pain of her loss is so intense that I feel like I may never get over it. She has been my constant source of unconditional love and companionship for so many years that I have no idea how I'm going to go on without her.

Winnie would have been 17 in October, which I know is a very good, long life. And she had recently been diagnosed with cancer. We had been trying chemotherapy, but it didn't seem to be working, so we were going to go in to see the oncologist this morning to talk about treatment options. On Saturday and Sunday this weekend, I spent a lot of time hanging out with Winnie and enjoying the beautiful sunny weather. But, on Sunday afternoon, while I was gone to a movie with friends, she had a severe histamine reaction that left her limp and panting and in shock. When I found her, I knew she was in really bad shape, so I rushed her to the emergency room. They tried valiantly to save her, but in the end there was no choice but to mercifully end her suffering.

I know that she was elderly and that she was destined to leave me soon, but this sudden loss is still a terrible shock to me. I spent Labor Day immersed in grief because everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of her and blinding pain at the thought that she is no longer here with me. I knew I would have a particularly difficult time with her loss, but it is so much worse than I even anticipated.

Butch, your thoughts about the blessings of Daisee's passing are true for Winnie. She didn't suffer long and didn't have to go through a long, slow decline. She was perky and enjoying life right up until the end. I am so very grateful for those facts. And I hope you are right that memories of her love and devotion will get me through this, but I really fear that I'll never get past this loss. I hurt so badly now.

Any hopeful thoughts will be very much appreciated.

[MartyT]

My dear Eliza,

We’re all so very sorry to learn of the death of Winnie, your cherished friend and loyal companion for so many years.

At the same time, I'm so pleased to know that you found your way to our Pet Loss Forum. Here you will discover that you are not alone in your grief journey. Here you will find yourself in the company of fellow animal lovers who understand the depth of your love for Winnie and like you, know firsthand the agony of losing a beloved pet.

I know that in time others will be responding to your post, but for now I simply want to welcome you to this warm and caring place, and to let you know that we are here for you. If you’ve not already done so, I hope you will take time to explore my Grief Healing Web site, where you will find additional information, comfort and support.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Maylissa]

Eliza,

Although I can't really offer too much in the way of concrete help for your terrible loss, I can tell you that I understand where you're coming from. I lost my incredibly-cherished feline 'son' 5 years ago, and, like you, was thankfully left with his sister to care for. And care for her, I HAD to, as she developed (apparently quite common when our furbabies lose their mates, whether animal or human) chronic renal failure and became anorexic on top of it, she was grieving so hard, as hard as I was. For all of those 5 years, and counting, I've been experiencing anticipatory grief for HER. It only settled down somewhat after about the 3rd year, as we had passed the incorrect assumption by one vet of her expected time left with us, but has resumed full-force since I lost both my Mother and brother 1.5 years ago. Now all I can ever think of is losing my loved ones, and wonder constantly what the point of living is now.

I can barely speak of my fear of my last baby leaving, I find it so terrifying a thought, and this despite having a husband who I assume would still be here with me! It's not the same in my mind, because I've always had the strongest connection to animals, more than humans, and also cannot even fathom adopting another furry soul ever again......the loss of them is just too much for me to deal with. I grieved, and still do, far more for the loss of my boy, than for anyone else in my life, including my dear Mother! That's just the way it is for me, although I've found other people now who have experienced the same thing....mainly on another site that is strictly for animal loss. I'd like to offer that site, too, as a resource for you, but am not sure if this is allowed publically here. The only thing I can imagine might help me out some when it's just me and my husband left is possibly some travel, as we chose to forsake any vacations because of the care required by BOTH of our kidlets in their mid-life, so haven't had a real vacation in about 15 years. I can imagine crying through most of the first one though, because of WHY I'd be on actual vacation. I don't know how I will ever sleep again, either, because for 18 years I've always had a furry, loving guy &/or gal letting me spoon them at bedtime, and my gal has made it a ritual, from the day her brother left us, to kiss me thoroughly before we drift off to sleep. Who could EVER take the place of THAT? And like you, and many others like us, my girl has seen me through many challenges in 18 years, especially my 3 losses. Without her, I never would have survived her brother's death.

I truly feel for you and your situation and see you as me in the future. All I can suggest, other than that other site, is that you stay aware for any and all signs (After Death Communications, or ADC's) from your sweet and loving Winnie, so you can know she is still around you and trying to convey to you that she lives on, just not in physical form. My boy did this for both me and his sister, while my husband never felt or heard a thing because he didn't NEED to know this.....he already just believed it without proof. They know when we need them yet, just as they did when in form here. And if there happens to be a pet loss grief support group in your area, DO try attending! We, the grief-stricken for the loss of our furry family members, need all the help we can find, because it's still such a generally disenfranchised loss that society is slow to accept. And write more here if you like.....I would listen and respond!

[Eliza]

Maylissa,

Thank you so much for writing and sharing your experiences with me. I am so sorry about the loss of your baby boy, and the terrible effect his passing has had on both you and your girl. I feel so much empathy for you both, and am so glad you have each other. And I am also so very sorry to hear about the loss of your Mother and brother. The multiple losses of so many important family members must be so unbearably painful. You and all of your family will be in my prayers tonight.

I wanted you to know that I know exactly how you feel about experiencing anticipatory grief for your girl. Ever since I lost Tigger, I have been fighting off the urge to grieve for Winnie before I had even lost her! I had to constantly remind myself not to waste any time with her by letting her see that I was upset. I wanted to do anything I could to make her as happy and comfortable as I could. And it did help. I was able to push those dark thoughts out of my mind and enjoy her sweet company much more thoroughly.

But I completely understand being preoccupied with losing your loved ones. I have experienced five losses over the past 10 years. First came my divorce, which I didn't want at all, then I lost my father, then Winnie and Tigger's "brother" (not a litter mate), Tommy, who battled diabetes valiantly for two years before his untimely death at the age of 10. Now, my girls have both gone from me and it has left me absolutely despairing. When I got divorced, the only thing that got me through was the fact that the rest of my family (my three kitties) was intact. In the past three and a half years, I've had to say goodbye to all of them. Having to make the heart-wrenching decision to end their suffering on my own has been almost too much to bear. My ex-husband has participated in their loss to an extent (through e-mail), but for the most part I've suffered these losses alone.

So, when I lost Tigger, I became obsessed with the fear of losing both Winnie and my Mom, who have been the sole remaining sources of unconditional love in my life. And I agree totally (as does my Mom) that connections with animals are very special and very strong -- even stronger than the human-human bond in many cases -- in part because of that unconditional love and constant devoted companionship that they offer so selflessly.

I loved hearing about the ritual that your girl cat has of kissing you to sleep every night! Winnie and I had a similar ritual of snuggling down beside each other with my arm around her and her soft fuzzy cheek laid against the back of my hand. You're right that no human can ever take the place of such loving devotion, and I experience the loss of her presence as a physical pain.

I also have wondered over the point of going on when life seems to offer nothing in the future but further loss and sorrow. But I know that, for both of us, there has to be more than that. I believe, as people have so kindly told me lately, that people like you and me, who can so thoroughly love our furry babies, are truly blessed. There is a reason that we have this capacity to love, and I know it won't be wasted.

The one thing that I have been clinging to is the desperate hope that I will see all of my babies again one day. And I believe that I may have experienced an ADC just after Winnie passed. I ordered a couple of books on animal afterlife that I hope will offer me even more assurance that we will once again be reunited.

Thank you again for your advice on support groups and the other website for animal loss. It is important to be in contact with those people who truly understand what a terrible loss the passing of our animal friends is. I hope you can enjoy your time with your girl and know that your special bond will never be broken. You are a truly caring person and she and her brother are such lucky kitties to have enjoyed your love and companionship for so many wonderful years!

Eliza

[Maylissa]

Eliza,

You are so very welcome! It was the least I could do. You are such a wonderful, loving person yourself, and I can just picture what a fabulous mom you've been to your 3 furkids. They, too, are lucky to have had you to take good care of them and love them in the way they deserved....and they do deserve so much, sometimes more than we can seem to supply.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has experienced aniticipatory grief, and for the most part, I've done just what you did.....just focusing on the here-and-now and enjoying my girl as much as possible. After she started recovering somewhat, this was easier because, with her brother's absence, she really began to come into her own. She has actually enjoyed being an only cat, her love for her brother aside, and has surprised and delighted us in many ways with her emotional growth and wisdom. This was a very unexpected benefit of our loss, but one I wouldn't trade for anything. I rather considered it a gift from her brother and the Creator, and it helped me accept his passing as part of that bigger picture that I had no previous access to.

Yes, I remember my heart feeling so raw I thought it might actually be bleeding, the anguish was so bad. ( my boy was 13, BTW, when he got cancer and passed within one month ) I suppose the one thing we learn from a first major loss, is that we CAN eventually get through it all......but the getting there can be so very difficult and draining, and I feel SO badly for you, being so physically alone in this. I'm very glad you at least have your mother around, with her open support to draw upon. My Mother had actually gotten suddenly fed-up with my continuing grief later on, which made everything much worse as I then had to defend myself...we did work it out somewhat later, but it was an extra stress to deal with. So it's good to hear your mom is of like mind and understands your pain. The more people we can find like that, the better!

It's clear to me that our furkids come into our lives, in part to help us through difficult times we can't even foresee as ocurring, and then their great strength of character, their loving nature, truly shines and blesses us so that we can carry on and see another day. When thinking of the future, I try as best I can to convince myself I can do things at least as well as my kidlets have (they're such great teachers) and while I don't think I'm even on the same SCALE as them (!), I remember their lessons in fearlessness, enthusiasm and positivity, for example. Just as with people, what else are we to do with ourselves once they're 'gone'?

I know my boy gave me some very timely advise now and then, heard suddenly as a male voice in my head, and not something I'D ever think on my own!, which got me through some of the worst parts of my grief. He also visited me and his sister through other senses like touch and, mainly, auditory communications. He has never stopped sending me signs of his love and concern and seems to truly know, just as he did when he was here, of the times when I REALLY need him around. His biggest and best lesson to me while he was still here, was that the mind is not limited to the body, without which I'd be SUNK today!

I, too, started buying books on animals and their continuing life, as well as ones about humans, which included sections on animals. One of the best I found was by Scott S. Smith, called "The Soul of Your Pet - Evidence for the Survival of Animals After Death". There are also many newer ones by animal communicators that give accounts of passed animals chatting it up or even reincarnating to their people. Myself, I'd rather they just stay in Heaven, where they will be safe, and there to greet me when my time comes! I also found the most help came from discourses on grief upon losing a CHILD, as those were the same feelings I was experiencing, and the animal sections in most grief books didn't even come close by comparison.

Thank-you, too, for your prayers and condolences.........and of course, the same back to you! You've also suffered many losses, none of which are easy to deal with. It must be a testament to your inner strength (even if you can't feel it right now) and certainly your love, to be able to give something of great value to others, when you're in such pain yourself. We'll be here, I'll be here, if you need to keep sharing, as most grieving people do. Bless you, Eliza, and may yours and your furbaby's angels surround you and keep you comforted in your great time of need.

Furry Hugs,

Maylissa

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