What Am I Suppose To Do?

[redwind30]

It has almost been six months since I lost my husband. The pain seems to be worse today than it was the day that it happened; I didn't think that could be possible, but it sure feels like it. It is another Saturday and I feel so lonely I can't stand it. Try to keep myself busy doing chores around the house, but I feel like "what is the point"?

I don't want to go anywhere. I know if I just keep going to work and coming home and doing nothing else my life will never change. Yet, there is no one to do anything with. I am only 51; I don't have any family here, so friends are all I have and they are all involved in their own families. Doing things with kids, grandkids, spouses etc. I hate going places alone; I guess a more accurate statement is I hate leaving home and coming back to an empty house.

When I do go out I get sad when I see all of the other couples and families. It breaks my heart when I see a couple holding hands; because he ALWAYS held my hand when we went anywhere. Or, I think about how enjoyable the experience wuold be if he were here with me. He had some health problems that were not related to the cancer during his last year, so we did not get to get out and do very much. So now, the few times that I have been out and done something all I can think about is what we missed out on. Life is so unfair! And, back to my original statement; if I keep staying home I will never have any kind of life; yet it hurts too darn much to go out. So, what am I suppose to do?

[Lindakay]

You sound so close to what I went through. We held hands, we were together by choice and wanted to stay home together. We had no children by choice and had our animals and home was a sanctuary. I do love people and don't have a hard time being alone. I now see it's a pleasure . I don't want a roommate. If I can't have him, I'm fine alone. You can find that if you go out, you can be at a mall in a crowd you can be alone/yet not. Don't see yourself in other couples. I don't get upset at my loss cause others haven't lost theirs. Be glad they didn't. There's a fine line you learn to step outside yourself and be a neutral third person. You have to learn. I wanted to be incommunicado on my last year's anniversary. I went to a mall and wandered around. Not knowing anyone so not talking to anyone. I occuppied my mind better than holing up at home. See? I too am in my 50's. Was married to him 33 years. He was my life. Yet I don't rule out starting over. He wanted me to. I didn't want to. He said I deserve to be happy for the rest of my life. I haven't dated. Maybe one day. Almost but talked myself out of it for now. You have to take small steps first. Go out...be someone not yourself and open your eyes. You haven't seen anything as a solo person yet. I'm travelling more now. It's an adventure. LindaKay

[Deb625]

Hi Redwind30, I am 43 and my Michael left this world 5 months ago tomorrow, Monday he would have been 46 years old. Today is just a bad day and I am hurting, the tears won't stop and I've given up on "getting" anything done, I just can't cope with the "faking" it in the out-side world right now. I know it is a common thread that "weekends" and "firsts" are always the worst... I summed my life up the other day to a girlfriend that I am a new person, I have to re-invent myself, I am no longer Michael's partner, I no longer have plans for my future and my past is damaged by my loss and grief I feel. This all I hope changes over time, and I do most days work on the premise fake it 'til you make it. I don't want to be pitied, I don't want people to forget my man, but for now everything just means tears. I still can't say out loud he is gone without crying. I was pre-May 17th a confident, strong woman with a past and future and had the love of a wonderful man... We just keep putting one step in front of the other. I've started to try to meet new people i found a website called MeetUps.com it is not a dating site - but has groups of people with all interests from book clubs, to cooking, business networking and the like. I'm going to go out with a ethnically diverse group of Canadians to enjoy a meal together at a Hungarian Restaurant next week - they get together at a different venue every couple of weeks... It's a step and I just feel I need to meet new people who don't know Deb & Mike, I have to keep trying to move forward one small step at a time... As my girlfriend says, the sun will be up again tomorrow... I can just pray tomorrow is a better day... Take care, Deb

[abergsma]

Hi Redwing30

It is so hard...I feel comfort in my home but know I need to get out to. It takes me most of the day to get to that point.

My husband and I also held hands and I miss that.

I feel like a third wheel often.

Why are some people together for 50 years and others like us lose their spouses??? It seems so unfair.

We can hang in there together.

Take care

Allana

[redwind30]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I am so glad that we have each other on this forum.

[abergsma]

Absolutely...

we are all in the same boat and we need each other's support.

Allana

[kayc]

I wish I had an answer but alas I spend all my time at work or home too. For myself it's largely because I don't have time to do anything else because there's just me to do it all, but that doesn't help you get out around people either. This is just a hard place to be in.