Why So Much Anger?

[twinsmom]

Is anger part of this whole miserable process? I feel like I'm so mad I could scream, and I don't even know what the heck I'm mad about. My mom died after being sick for only 3 weeks. I took her into the hospital in the morning by ambulance with pneumonia and by midnight that night she was on a respirator and I never spoke to her again. Every day we lived with the hope that the medicine would finally kick in and she would get better, how could she not? I sat there every day, all day, hoping and praying that this would be day she would start to get better, how could she not? I fought for her every day, making sure she was getting the best care possible and they were doing everything they could. Finally, I came to the conclusion she wasn't going to get better, she was fighting so hard to stay with us, it wasn't fair to her. On that last day I whispered in her ear that she needed go, she needed to do the one selfish thing in her life and that was to leave us here and go to a better place. I thanked her for being the best mother and for showing me how to be the best mother to my kids, I told her I am the mother I am because of her. We stopped life support that night and she died within minutes, my hand on her forehead. I honestly feel like I had post traumatic stress during those three weeks and such anxiety in the months following. I felt like a soldier in the jungle waiting for someone to ambush me, waiting for the shoe to drop and for them to tell us it was hopeless or that she had passed. Now I feel more sad and angry than I ever had. I feel like I'm in a paper bag punching my way out, but I don't know what I'm mad about. Certainly not the hospital, doctors or nurses, not family members or myself or my mom. I don't know what to do with it because I don't even know what it is.

Just had to vent, it's seems the only place I can.

Christine

[Kavish]

Anger is just the part of our reasoning out the loss we feel. The loss at physical level takes us to the level where we haven't reached before and have to collect all our energy to rise above all the desperation.

Keep up the spirit to be in a spiritual reunion of our loved ones,

Regards,

Kavish

[MartyT]

Christine, dear, have you seen this thread? Anger, Rage and Helplessness

[Butterfly9]

Dear Christine,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Mom. Sending you hugs of comfort (((( ))))). Being angry is a part of the grieving process. It is okay to be angry. I still get angry at times and it has been over 7/1/2 months since my Dad crossed over.

Reading your post brought tears to my eyes and terrible memories of my Dad's stay in the hospital. I know what you mean about praying that the medicine would work and make your Mom well again. I too prayed that the natural therapy would work for my Dad. There was not really any medical options that would help my Dad's condition. When he was in the hospital in a sleep induced coma, I had my rosary and holy water. I prayed and I hoped that God would heal my Dad so he would still be here with us. However, that didn't happen and I was very angry that my Dad was taken. He still had so much life to live. I was so mad I said I need a punching bag. I needed to defuse my anger in a constructive way.

Your Mom and my Dad fought so hard to stay here with their loved ones but it was not meant to be. I personally believe that we all have a set date we are born and a set date when it is our time to cross over. Some are meant to be healed on this side of the veil and others are meant to be healed on the other side of the veil.

Venting here is a good way of defusing your anger. There are so many caring people here who understand what you are going through because we too have experienced the loss of a precious loved one.

Know that your Mom is now healed, happy and in the most beautiful place. She is closer than you think and you will see her again someday.

Sending you hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Butterfly9

[niamh]

hi Christine,

Welcome to this forum, it's like my online family these days. I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom.

Anger like others have said is absolutely part of the process and I can relate when you say you dont know what you're mad about. I think overtime you realise maybe it's related to the complete and utter lack of control in this situation, the frustration of not being able to do anything, not being able to change this (we can have some sense of control over pretty much everything else in life, but not this no matter how hard we try).

Sometime it still makes no sense to me that my Dad is not here, how could this happen, WHY ME, WHY SO EARLY in my life ? He should have been coming home for Christmas, for fun, we had shopping to do .....it wasn't supposed to be funeral services, picking out a coffin, a cemetery ........it's just all so wrong.

I have screamed, there are times when I've just been in my car, on an open road and screamed so loud and I guess it gets something out the system. I do find with the anger ......for me sometimes I think it's even more than that, it's like an internal rage bubbling inside, with nowhere to go but for me it always ends in tears. Sometimes i think maybe I still don't fully grasp what has happened but some part of me knows something is wrong, so I get angry, I get mad, feel so so frustrated and then slowly but surely reality hits and then come the tears.

All I can say to you is to let it out, write, shout, scream, however you need to get it out. Now maybe I'm used to knowing when it starts to come so it doesn't hit me out of the blue but I do still have times where I just feel so mad but I just go with, I'm sure it would do more harm trying to bottle it up, trying to hide it, nope it needs to get out and sometimes just screaming it out can feel like a release.

This too is a safe place to let rip, nobody here will tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way, you are entitled to feel what you feel and we all understand that.

I hope you will find some small comfort knowing you are not alone with these feelings, and as abnormal as they may seem, they are all perfectly normal .... many others here can relate in some way.

((Hugs)) to you,

Niamh

[KJO]

hi Christine,

Welcome to this forum, it's like my online family these days. I am so sorry about the loss of your Mom.

Anger like others have said is absolutely part of the process and I can relate when you say you dont know what you're mad about. I think overtime you realise maybe it's related to the complete and utter lack of control in this situation, the frustration of not being able to do anything, not being able to change this (we can have some sense of control over pretty much everything else in life, but not this no matter how hard we try).

Sometime it still makes no sense to me that my Dad is not here, how could this happen, WHY ME, WHY SO EARLY in my life ? He should have been coming home for Christmas, for fun, we had shopping to do .....it wasn't supposed to be funeral services, picking out a coffin, a cemetery ........it's just all so wrong.

I have screamed, there are times when I've just been in my car, on an open road and screamed so loud and I guess it gets something out the system. I do find with the anger ......for me sometimes I think it's even more than that, it's like an internal rage bubbling inside, with nowhere to go but for me it always ends in tears. Sometimes i think maybe I still don't fully grasp what has happened but some part of me knows something is wrong, so I get angry, I get mad, feel so so frustrated and then slowly but surely reality hits and then come the tears.

All I can say to you is to let it out, write, shout, scream, however you need to get it out. Now maybe I'm used to knowing when it starts to come so it doesn't hit me out of the blue but I do still have times where I just feel so mad but I just go with, I'm sure it would do more harm trying to bottle it up, trying to hide it, nope it needs to get out and sometimes just screaming it out can feel like a release.

This too is a safe place to let rip, nobody here will tell you that you shouldn't feel a certain way, you are entitled to feel what you feel and we all understand that.

I hope you will find some small comfort knowing you are not alone with these feelings, and as abnormal as they may seem, they are all perfectly normal .... many others here can relate in some way.

((Hugs)) to you,

Niamh

I just did on another post. I am a wreck now. It helps.

[twinsmom]

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. I find I post these feelings just to get them out of my system and am pleasantly surprised when I get responses that hit home and really help, I know I am not alone here. Unfortunately in every day life I feel very alone. I have so many friends but none I can talk about how miserable I feel every day. I get no support from my husband, he's never once asked me how I'm doing with all this and he actually adds to my grief by being so non-supportive. I knew before all of this I should leave, unfortunately now my emotions are so raw I don't trust myself to make the right decision. Thank you again for your kind words.

Christine

[niamh]

you are more than welcome Christine, I honestly have no idea how I would cope if I had not found this site. Some very close family don't contact me now,granted I too distanced myself because I didn't know what to say to them and things just felt awkward..... yes they care I've no doubt but I think they just don't know what to say or do with me so they are "giving me space" and that can hurt too but at the end of the day I can't tell someone how to deal with me, I can't tell them "I'd like you to email me or text me every so often, on specific dates to simply let me know you're thinking of me" because that makes it too forced, I need it from the heart.

I have some friends that are great for listening and in a non-judgmental way, I've tried over the months to let them know the kinds of things that people say with good intentions but just cause more hurt to ensure they don't and they've told me they do bite their tongues many times now but it's what I need, I don't need someone telling me it will get easier, time will make it better, I will find happiness someday because these are all future things and right now I hurt more than I ever have and I simply need to get through this sometimes one minute at a time so I really don't care about the "future". As good as they are, they cannot nod and say yes I can relate to that, I understand that and that's exactly what you get here. I am so sorry your husband is not giving you the support he needs, sometimes I think it is those closest to us that find it the hardest and because we are in such pain, it can be pretty impossible for us to suddenly start helping others how to deal with our grief, it's more than enough to deal with it ourselves.......and especially if they have never experienced anything like it, so much of what we can say and do makes no sense to others, can add to their frustration which in turn adds to our grief as you say.

From what I've seen since this happened I think the hardest thing for those that love us it to accept that they simply cannot fix it, they cannot make it better, they cannot take away the pain.

much hugs and love to you,

Niamh