Teenage Grief - Still Worried

[melina]

I'm very worried about our youngest son who is 19. I've been reading about teenagers and grief on the internet, and there are so many sites that warn about teenage boys especially keeping their feelings to themselves and how harmful it is. Our son showed a lot of emotion at the hospital when his father died, at the funeral and when we spread the ashes at sea.

Since then, he's kept mostly to himself up in his room with his guitar and music equipment, making music. I've asked him a few times if he'd like to talk about his grief or his father, but he doesn't want to. Nor is he willing to meet with a grief counselor or join a support group. My husband was diagnosed with cancer the summer before our son started his last year of high school and got to see him graduate. But from the time we got the diagnosis, our son lost interest in school. He graduated and got decent grades, but has shown no interest at all in further studies at college.

Gradually over the last couple of weeks he's come out of his room more. We always have dinner together and we go to the gym twice a week as an activity we do together. He's started a Japanese language class one night a week in the city, and has visited his brother in the same city for rock concerts a few times.

But he rarely sees his old friends from high school and doesn't talk to people much. I'm not sure if he keeps in touch on chat lines or Facebook.

I don't know what to do. I can't force him to talk to me. I'm not even sure that's a good idea. Maybe some people grief differently than others, and that he just needs more time. I've offered to talk, but at the same time, I feel emotionally crippled myself. Maybe he senses that and is afraid to open up to me because he thinks I might fall apart. I wish he had uncles or aunts to talk to. He has his brothers, but of course, they're grieving too.

Any ideas? I'm so afraid he'll remained emotionally scarred. I know I've posted this before - but it worries me a lot.

Melina

[MartyT]

Melina, dear ~ As a mother, I certainly appreciate your concern. I recall a wonderful line in a television program I was watching some time ago. A woman was sharing with her friend her concern for her troubled son, and the friend said, "I understand. A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." Wow, I thought ~ that really does say it all. No matter how great our own pain, there is nothing more painful than seeing one of our children in pain, especially when we feel helpless to fix it.

As simple as it sounds, the best thing you can do for your sons in their grief, Melina, is to take care of your own grief first. Remember what they always tell us on an airplane in the event of an emergency: "Pressure will change. Oxygen will be available. Put on your own mask first, so you have what you need to help others."

That said, I think it may help to remember that everyone grieves in their own way, according to several different factors ~ one of which is gender. Males tend to express grief differently from females. For example, your son may be expressing his feelings and working out his grief by making his music, rather than sitting down to have a heart-to-heart talk with you (the way a daughter or another woman might do).

You may find it helpful to read this article, Understanding Different Mourning Patterns in Your Family. See also the work of Tom Golden, author of a very helpful book, Swallowed by a Snake: The Gift of the Masculine Side of Healing. Tom's Web site features a very informative video clip, Men and Grief, which explains beautifully what he has learned in 25 years of working with and studying male-pattern grief. You can watch it here (scroll down a bit until you see the video screen): Men and Grief

Here is another article that I think you will find quite helpful: Healing Tears, by Dr. Lani Leary.

[melina]

Melina, dear ~ As a mother, I certainly appreciate your concern. I recall a wonderful line in a television program I was watching some time ago. A woman was sharing with her friend her concern for her troubled son, and the friend said, "I understand. A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child." Wow, I thought ~ that really does say it all. No matter how great our own pain, there is nothing more painful than seeing one of our children in pain, especially when we feel helpless to fix it.

As simple as it sounds, the best thing you can do for your sons in their grief, Melina, is to take care of your own grief first. Remember what they always tell us on an airplane in the event of an emergency: "Pressure will change. Oxygen will be available. Put on your own mask first, so you have what you need to help others."

Marty,

Thank you for this. It makes me feel a little better. I do see signs of him becoming more optimistic. The fact that he's taking a class, going out to concerts and he's mentioned the idea of maybe going off to college at some point. I've given him the opportunity to talk and told him I won't fall apart if he expresses his sadness, but he's said very clearly that this is not what he needs right now. So I guess I'll have to give him space.

I'm also worried about my 24-year old in Canada having bouts of crying and panic, but he is living with his fiancee who's a wonderful caring person, and he's doing well at school. So all I can do is talk with him when he needs it and try to be there.

I've been worried that I've been putting my own grief first, but it is hard to help someone else when you're drowning.

This is hard work.

Melina

[Billw]

Our boys are 28 and 29, now grown men but still our boys. I was worried about them at first because they didn't have a whole lot to say about their mom's death. Since then, each one of them separately has come and talked with me and shared some pretty heavy duty stuff with me. I was very impressed with their ability to process all of this. I think at first they thought that mom was going to have a surgery, do a little treatment, and be good as new. They didn't see a lot of the struggle that went on at home so it was more of a shock to them at the end. Thank God they are recovering from all of it.

I see them quite a bit now and we have gotten closer through all of this. I talk about her often when I'm around them and we tell stories that only we can relate to. We share a very strong bond that runs deep. I am so proud of them as I know she is and I see a little of her in each boy. They have thanked me several times for being here but in reality, they are the ones who have saved me.

[nats]

Melina,

I just said a prayer for you and your son, my Father passed a few years back and I still miss him, I am 52 and have experienced death 4 times now 4 times to many(Grandmother, Father, my wife, and Grandfather recently)but it is a fact of life a fact no one wants to face....maybe it would help him to read or post here, just a thought....my wifes children have with drawn from me, her daughter will not return calls and her son didn't even go to the "Life Celebration" my feelings truly have been hurt by this as they promised there mother we'd stay close, but I can not dwell on that as I have my grief to deal with and myself comes first....Marty's sure correct on how we men grieve in differant ways, my sons were close to Ruth as there stepmother and neither speak much about her being gone, I do know that they were somewaht withdrawn in the first months but as I have started healing they have become more open and we have grown closer than we've ever been and my oldest is 1000 miles away, my yougest and I have lunch every Tuesday on my day off....so give him space and time and I beleive he will open up to you, when it does happen you will have a new and powerful bond with your son....

My God Be With Us All....

NATS