Lost My Best Friend...

[mark_w]

i'm not a person who asks for help, or advice often, but the internet is a big help in this instance. yesterday, i had to say goodbye to my best friend, a scruffy terrier, Holly, who was only 8. i am 47 y o , married, with several children and a responsible job. not many friends, i keep myself to myself really, and get on with life. we had a border collie already [who is 14 now and going strong], and after my previous dogs had sadly passed on in 2002 we decided to go to a rescue centre and take on a couple of pups. we took home Daisy, a black gawd knows what terrier, and Holly, a staffie cross. it wasn't all plain sailing, they had some serious fights, but were best friends really. and although i've had several dogs as friends before, Holly and i had something special. a proper friend, i don't have many human friends, so i valued her loyalty very highly. around 2 months ago she developed a limp on a back leg, i took her to the vet, a brilliant guy. he did an x ray and to our shock, diagnosed bone cancer. the disease advanced quickly, quicker than i believed it could. a dog who was jumping around & play biting a few weeks earlier was now on borrowed time. more recently a bad cough was evident. the vet said secondary cancer had spread to the lungs. this week, her breathing was shorter, and the cough was there all the time, somtimes with specks of blood. i know, and you know that this had got to be the end. the family and our vet agreed, so yesterday i went there and did the most difficult thing a rough, tough man, who isn't afraid of anyone, or anything, has to do, i cried like a baby for hours, and will do again shortly . and now? i'm destroyed. i feel empty. the other 2 dogs are ok, they are good pets, but not the same. my best friend has gone, and life seems empty. i am sad, and angry at the same time. i drove past a church, and swore at god for letting me down, as he has, again, so he's out, for the forseeable. i feel like starting a fight, anytime and anyone will do. i'm not well, and i know it. please give me some guiding words ny friends...

[CJ Anderson]

Hi Mark, I am so very sorry for your loss. I remember my complete shock when I learned my lab Junebug, a therapy dog that I had invested a whole dream of teaching people to turn rescued dogs into therapy dogs, when she was diagnosed with what I thought was a bee sting, into T-cell lymphoma - which would have killed her iin under 30 days with out chemo which thanks to some angel supporters got her a few more months.

I just did a table event for Mayday Pits in honor of Pitbull Awareness day, where I also promoted animal ministries, animal in disasters and Gabriels Angels where I talk about my work with Junebug. I broke down crying ever time I tried to speak today, something I havent done for a while.

Point is I hope I can get you to see how completely normal you are. I hope you will check at the bookstores to see if a book called Bill at Rainbow Bridge is there By Dan Carrison if you cant find it, then please order it from Amazon for only $11.95 I promise you will feel like you have found a brother and I pray that the words there will help you find the clarity you are looking for while helping you know how completely supported you are to feel the way you do, for as long as it takes.

I hope , when you are ready, you will join many of us to spread the word about cancer awareness and prevemtion as an outlet for your rage. Animal Wellness in 2006 staid that cancer would be found on 52% of our pets alive today, up from 48% just a few short years earlier. I call our beloved animals, the new mine canaries.

What do you need most right now? A support goup? To work on documenting memories throug pictures, and stories like on dogster, before they slip away? I have a memory area of the house where my last several animals ashes are...along with paw prints, collars, favorite pictures... I love feeling them close that way. Please know that this is what this place is for. We just need for your to speak about what you need from us!

Hugs for you!Junebugs Journey to Destiny

[Ron B.]

Hi Mark. Now in my mid-fifties I've seen both of my parents die, and what a shock that has been. My own outlook on life has changed because of this. I can't say it's tragic that my parents died, because both of them lived into their 70's, and that's not too bad. What is really rotten, however, is how they died. Cancer got them both, while they were otherwise in very good health. So I know how brutal a cancer death can be. It was just last year that I was my mother's caregiver for her last months of life.

I can actually blame someone for both of my parents deaths, but I don't know whether that really helps. In the early 1950's both my mom and dad were in the Nevada desert, relatively near the sites where above-ground atomic bomb testing was done. The US Government was not particularly concerned about public safety, because they were racing in hell-bent fashion to develop atomic weaponry. So, fast forward more than fifty years. My mother is becoming ill, and she discovers she has a special kind of leukemia. Her cancer specialist asks whether she had ever been exposed to nuclear radiation. At first she doesn't remember. Then she realizes where she got the cancer, and who is responsible. Generally there is no other way to get the kind of leukemia my mother had other than through exposure to nuclear radiation.

Should I have anger? Maybe I should, but I have not dwelled on the circumstance of who caused my mother's death. Perhaps that's because it's a dead end; I can't do anything to fix what's happened. And I don't want the anger. I have had so much unruly emotion already over my mother's passing. I prefer to gather my thoughts when my mind is at peace. The memories of my parents are very dear to me, and any anger or unfinished business seems only to cloud my mind.

The death of your animal friend from cancer is a very similar kind of loss. Dogs are so devoted to their people, and losing that devoted friend involves the same kind of pain as when we lose human friends or family. It's not fair that life should end! And to have it end brutally through cancer is a particular insult. No explanation that it's God's will or Nature's way is going to make you or me feel better.

What helps me now is giving back to family and friends what my parents gave to me. Just simple caring for someone else is what helps me heal. Seems like a pretty simple solution. But I didn't start with a softened heart; I went through some hard anger. I had to think and feel my way forward in a struggle for answers. I feel whole again now, but I can't explain the process very well. I hope you find the right guidance here and elsewhere that will help you heal your own heart.

Ron B.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your best friend, Holly. I am a huge dog lover and have owned many dogs but there are some that are just "special" and the one I have now is that very special one to me...if I lost him I would be inconsolable. We all know we'll outlive our pets most likely, but we always hope it'll be way further on down the road...not now. We figure their average life span and think that is what we should get with them and feel gypped when that doesn't happen. I know I feel that way anyway. There is a difference between a human friend and a dog friend...the dog you can always count on. The dog is forgiving. The dog loves you unconditionally (food doesn't hurt).

Your anger is understandable, it is a part of grief. It will most likely pass eventually. We try to make sense or reason out of things we can't and when our power is stripped from us, in losing someone we love, anger is a natural response. I lost my husband a few years ago, and it took a while but I eventually concluded that it wasn't so much God had something to do with it as it just happened. Life...and death...just happens. I don't think there's someone up in the sky determining, "Okay, I need to wreck this person's life now..." Could He have prevented it? Yes. Why didn't He? Your guess is as good as mine. I don't go there anymore, I learned it was futile to ask "why", I finally just accepted that what is, is. It's not so much "why" for me anymore as it is, "now what"? But it took time for me to reach that point, I hit every stage known to man in between.

My heart goes out to you as you are missing your Holly. I wish there was some way to just alleviate the pain but I've learned the only way to proceed through grief is to go straight through it. Some have tried alcohol to numb it...that has only compounded it, it did nothing to improve their mood or disposition. Some have tried avoidance, that didn't work either. Cry your heart out, and continue to post here, and know you are not alone...eventually the pain will lessen and it will become more tolerable.

[MartyT]

Hi Mark ~ My heart goes out to you, too ~ and I want to address your statement, "I'm not well, and I know it." Losing someone we love dearly can make us feel so bad ~ far worse than we've ever felt before ~ and when the one we've lost is a cherished animal companion, we tend to think there is something wrong with us for feeling so bad. This is one of the main reasons why the death of a beloved pet can be so difficult to bear.

I agree completely with CJ ~ Dan Carrison's book Bill at Rainbow Bridge is absolutely wonderful. You might find these articles to be helpful as well:

Real Men Don't Grieve -- Or Do They?

Coping with Pet Loss: "Am I Crazy to Feel So Sad about This?"

[mark_w]

thanks for the replies folks. not feeling much better to be honest. have drunk quite a lot over the weekend, which did help me sleep. it's so strange her not being here. only putting 2 dog beds out instead of 3, not having someone sleeping at your feet by my chair, someone following you around every room. wife keeps talking about her, but i don't. i feel like bursting into flods of tears if i do, so i can't at te moment. the kids mention her, saying they miss her etc, but it nearly cracks me up. i picture daily life without her, but it will have to go on of course. i'm not going to tell anyone at work, or discuss it there, i don't want to end up blubbing there all day. i really am, totally empty & despondant.

[kayc]

Mark,

I'm so sorry. I know drinking doesn't wash it away, otherwise you'd have a whole lot of drunks here on this site. I don't know of anything that eases the pain of grief but time to adjust, and sometimes commemorating them somehow. Did you bury your dog, do you have a physical place to put things? I know that's just for us, not them, but sometimes it helps us to do things for them all the same, like erect a cross, plant a plant in their memory, etc. It's the day to day existence that is hard, the huge impact it carries on our life. Just know you will get to be reunited someday and hold on to that hope and thought.

[mark_w]

i asked for pet-crem, and the ashes back. it's still very odd not having her about, but i'm not as tearful as a few days ago. working takes my mind off it. i still can't really talk about her, the children mention her, but my wife helps by answering on my behalf somehow. the other animals seem ok. as you say, time will help. thanks for the words, all of you.

[kayc]

Mark,

I'm sorry, I know it's hard to deal with. My dog is all I have. I know the time will come someday I will lose him too but right now I pour my heart into him. I'll deal with tomorrow when it arrives. I picked the hardest dog in the world to own. He's big and rambunctious and most of my friends are unable to handle him. I can't trust him to stay in the house without supervision because it would be eaten or knocked down by the time I arrived home. When I went away for four days this summer, I left him at home in the care of my son, and he nearly died...he is so sensitive, he gets separation anxiety when I'm gone. So I can't leave more than a couple of days, he requires all of my free time, he's a lot to handle, but he is the world to me. And I get back so much more than I could ever give to him. He is my entertainer, the one who loves me, my exerciser, and my purpose for living. So I understand so much how you feel about your dog. My heart goes out to you as you're missing him.

[mark_w]

well, some time has passed, a couple of weeks. i'm used to the idea of her not being here, but it's still a bit strange - only taking 2 dogs for a walk instead of 3, nobody asleep by my feet & following you into the kitchen every time you get up etc [the other 2 don't bother with this], only getting 2 dog meals ready instead of 3 etc etc. and one of the saddest things is that i know she would want to be here - doing the mundane stuff. but....there was no choice, she was too ill to go on, there was no other action. life will have to go on, i can sometimes smile when i think of her instead of filling up, like i am now a bit, so i'll sign off. thanks people.

[kayc]

Mark,

It'll get a bit better with time, I know it's hard. It's good that your dog isn't suffering though. Remind yourself that it is not the end, you'll be reunited again, a spirit such as there's does not come to an end, just changes form...somewhere up there they wait for us to join them. And if it's not so, don't tell me that, cuz it's all I have to hold on to...my sweet husband and dogs and cats await me.

[mark_w]

i believe you're right, KayC, and it will be a busy time whenever i get to the other room, to catch up with my dad, grandparents as well as my other passed on animal friends. just bad though, knowing that you know that they would want to be sat beside you right now just as much as you want them to be, but it can't be. more ofetn now, i can think of her and smile, rather than weep, which, i must admit i am doing now...

[kayc]

You know, I always felt bad that I didn't properly mourn my Lucky girl, a beautiful sweet little Whippet/Dalmation, that I lost two years ago last Friday. It happened to be the same time as my marriage unraveled and I lost my husband the same week, which kind of overshadowed everything in the crisis of the moment. Lucky deserved better. My son and I buried her but I always felt she deserved a better time of mourning, she was a wonderful trained dog and about as sweet as they come. It's odd sometimes when you have one loss, it brings up another loss, esp. if they haven't been dealt with in their own right, or if they haunt you still. I have allowed myself to miss her, more and more lately and to fully appreciate her, which is her right.