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Maybe It's Just Me.


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Maybe it's just me but I have never felt strongly against Halloween before, it was just a fun time for kids, going trick-or-treating, grandkids coming over wearing their costumes. And of course it was another excuse to eat candy, desserts or, whatever, caramel-dipped apples, cider, the whole bit. I never went out as an adult, never went to a haunted house, never had the desire, didn't decorate, but my husband's mother went way out for every holiday, all the funny decorations. But now, I have never felt so offended due to the way it's portrayed. Death, cemeteries, skeletons. It just makes me cry all the more, they all have no idea what death is really all about. I am so wishing this was all over, and I do mean everything. I'm just in a blase mood. I took a step forward and then a step back, but I guess that's how grief is, sneaking up on you, and remembering the good old days. Until if effects whoever has a death in their family, then they probably don't like Halloween anymore either. I'm feeling so sad and melancholy. I put myself on a strict, rigid diet because when I used to start eating anything good like ice cream, I'd start to feel good then, I start crying while I'm eating the ice cream, so I shut myself off from eating anything that's enjoyable, because life is not enjoyable without my husband here with me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel him with me, but I know that he is, and my therapist told me I need to live from my heart and feel rather than allow my mind to take over me with too many thoughts. Don't mind me. I just needed to get this out. I hate Halloween. It makes me feel so depressed. The only good thing about Halloween is that after the day is over is "All Saints Day" which is the day we had the Sacrament of Matrimony to solemnize our marriage. Another day to get through. Then the next day is "All Soul's Day". Does it ever end? Maybe it's just me.

God bless to you all,

Suzanne

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Hello Suzanne,

I'm sorry for your loss and for having a rough time right now. I can relate because my fiance died just one week ago, so I'm new in this process. I find joy in nothing, really, although I really am trying. It just so happens that his death occurred during the Halloween month, and the references to death are appalling. I have a nine year old, and even before I experienced my loss, I let him celebrate, but never the ghoulish death stuff, usually the action hero theme..I've always felt the holiday had evil connotations, but tried to allow him to enjoy the childhood things I once did. This Halloween, however, I have yet to even get him a costume. I haven't bought any candy and dread the upcoming holiday season. It's not just you...it's a process so I'm told. It's just that after the therapy, reading the books, talking to friends and family, I'm still alone. I go to bed alone, wake alone and go through life knowing I'll never see my love ever again. Every time I try to pull myself together, that reality is smacking me in the face. I realize it just happened, and that the grief is too new to expect it to subside. I hate to think of how long it will take to feel better. Maybe never.

I hope you're feeling better. I do feel a little better when I come to the forum and can respond to people who can identify with how I feel right now. See, the funeral was yesterday, and everyone can go back to their lives as before, but mine will never be as it was before. I feel so lost.

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Dear wmjsca,

I feel so saddened for your recent loss. I post my discussions on other grief sites and of all the answers I have gotten so far for this post, you are the only one who understood what I meant. It just seems so eiry and weird to me that all of the costumed children just getting complimentary candy don't get it, but then neither does anyone for that matter, even some widows, but then again you did. Most likely because you have just gone through the terrible sadness and emptiness we all feel, but we all come to the decision that we feel so alone. I would like you to know that I felt from the day my husband passed on January 22nd 2010 that I have no joy in my life. I really meant it and I kept posting my thoughts which really helped to get the emotional roller coaster to settle. After my own path took me to a place where I was open to others and on the same page, I have to say I did feel better and had hope. We never really get over the memories and grief of our spouse but I have heard that not only time heals, but it's what we do with that time. All I can say is I truly know your pain, I felt it too and it still comes back once in a while, but for me I did feel better before the 9 months came since I started grieving. When Danny's pain ended that day my emotional pain began and I never, ever knew it would be like this. I have been told, and this is my personal belief, that our loved ones are not really dead, they are just different. I can't feel him, but I know that he is with me. I truly hope that you feel the healing on your own path. Once in a while, the tears come back, but I have heard from my grief counselor and the Hospice meetings I attend that we have to go through the feelings of grief, we have to fulfill our needs and one of them is being kind to ourselves. Once again I am so sorry, and I pray you have peace. Every single one of us know how you feel, but we also have our own perspective and it will take as long as it takes, we must do whatever it is we need to do to heal and I know I'm giving you a lot to take in. I post so that I can get my deepest, darkest thoughts out and rant if I need to and no one judges me here on grief sites. Please keep posting. I know it sounds trite, but thinking back it did help me to know that there are others who understand, they get it, they've gone through it. Support is what we all need right now, and I will keep you in my prayers. Sending you ((Hugs))

God bless,

Suzanne

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I never really thought about it before, maybe because I never really celebrated Halloween persae, but I do like to decorate for Fall, pumpkins, leaves, etc. But then George loved every holiday, every season, so I do it kind of for him, if that makes any sense.

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Hi Kayc:

Keeping up with certain traditions is a good healing tool, so I'm told. I guess I just haven't gotten that far yet. I'm still in the 'how can anyone be enjoying anything' mode. It's not really a depression, I know Clint is gone. It's just so final and everyday there's a reminder and I have to actually stop wherever I am to have another cry. The tears come so easily; but then, that's a part of grief too. What we do to get by varies, so I see from the forum, as evidenced by some of the posts where some can't sleep in the bedroom; I have no problem with it. It makes me feel closer to him. That's probably macabre or weird, but it gives me a sense of peace when nothing else seems to make any sense.

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I too am sorry for your loss, and sympathize with how you fell. Because my husband's favorite holiday was halloween, and he passed just 2 weeks ago. I am trying to celebrate it for him. I dont want to go, but I know he would. The holiday sucks for me not because of all the death references, but because of all the happy couples and families. :(

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Scott also loved Halloween, and in the past, we organized fundraisers on Halloween to raise money for children's hospitals. This year, Kailyn loved the pumpkins, and looked adorable in her Tigger outfit. And our homestay student from Japan was interested in Halloween, as they don't really do anything in Japan. So I admit I had fun this Halloween with Kailyn.

However, the day that will probably always be the hardest for me is Father's Day. Scott died 2 days before what would have been his first Father's Day. The thought of this irony still makes me angry.

Korina

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