Confused On The Timeline

[Cheryl]

I'm confused on the timeline I should allow my grief to overwhelm me. I now have long periods of time where I feel good. This last time it was for three whole weeks. I still had moments of tearing up, but overall I enjoyed myself and felt real exceptance of Mark's death and my ability to carry on. During the three weeks I even pictured myself in the future and thought "Life is going to work out".I planned a Halloween party, cooked meals, socialized with neighbors. I planted flowers, listened to music without sobbing. My grief counselor and support group all saw a diffrence. But quite suddenly I am a mess again. I sob walking through the grocery store, music makes me sad. Everything I see around me reminds me of what I lost. It's almost like I have to hit rock bottom again to start going back up. Another roller coaster. Isn't it time for the roller coaster to stop? I'm not sure what to do about it? It's been 14 months since his sudden death. Do I give into the grief and just rest, being gentle and understanding of my pain? Or perhaps it's time to tell myself to quite it! Toughen up! Don't give in to the pain, fight it! Is there a point when you've grieved enough and need to stop giving in?

I'm hoping there are some of you who are farther down the path that can give me some insight. All the grief books I've read talk about the process but don't seem clear on when enough is enough. I am one of those people who has never tolerated weakness in myself and have never been a pessimist. I'm sick of crying and grieving. My gut tells me to stop being weak but I'm not sure if I'm being a big cry baby or just being impatient?

[abergsma]

Cheryl

I think what you are going through is very normal. Grieving is normal and everyone walks the path differently at different time lines.

I lost my husband just shy of 8 weeks ago. I am up and down like a yoyo. You share a life with someone and it is hard to get over this loss.

I saw my therapist last week and she told me that the firsts are always the worst but that for unknown reasons one first may effect me but not another person.

There is no rhyme or reason to grieving. You are normal as all of us are.

Hugs

Allana

[melina]

Cheryl,

I've been reading that book that Sally recommended "Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. She's a therapist and of course a widow (duh)- and in the book she mentions the "six month syndrome" which can occur at any time. For her it happened at 2 years! What she writes is that the widow may suddenly suffer what she believes is a setback after having steadily moved onward and accepted her reality: "I was doing so well, everyone was so proud of me, and for no good reason I've suddenly started going backward". Ginsburg interprets this as a kind of reconstruction of identity, where the widow becomes increasingly aware of how many changes she will have to accept and how many crises she will face single-handedly. The good news is that it's not permanent - or shouldn't be, and you'll be moving on again after a while. This is just so much fun isn't it.

You might want to check this book out and read it.

Keep letting us know how you're managing. This will be our reality (us newbies) in a few months time. Hang in there - thinking of you.

Melina (having had a crappy day but reasonable evening so far)

[sunstreet]

Cheryl,

I want to encourage you that what you are experiencing is totally normal. Grief is overwhelming and I really encourage you to allow yourself to feel your loss and the pain as it comes up without judgements. We all came into this place of grief and pain with our own and unique life experiences that also form part of how we move throgh this utterly painful journey. We shared a life and love and I believe the best thing we can do for our loved ones now is to work on accepting that we need to formulate our life now without them here in the physical sense. I know how you hurt, I know how your body aches, and I know how at times you just want to collapse and not have to soldier on and find a new way of being in the world.

What I would like to share with you is that for me what helps me a great deal is to keep journaling each and every day. Then when I find myself being "triggered" to my pain, my loss, I can look back and see how far I have come in this journey. What use to render me virtually confined to my apartment, weeping off and on, for days and days, now tears come and I don't think on what I lost but how blessed I was to have been loved, and to have loved. Journalling for me is an excellent tool and I also view my journalling as a way to honour our love, the life we had, the dreams we had, the person Melissa was, how she mattered to me, and to the world.

I see you being strong, to feel your pain, to weep, to let yourself feel it. I see you honoring the love you shared.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Lindakay]

Journaling works for me but not daily. I do it as a letter to him when the need hits. I name the letters example one is : Look Forward but not too far/look back but not too long. I read it a year after. Cried my eyes out but realized I'm in a better state now. It helps. LindaKay

[kayc]

Cheryl,

I'm not aware there IS a timeline applicable to us all...it's a very individual thing. It's three steps forward, two steps backward, but we're ever so slowly moving in a progressive manner when you look at the whole. Everyone's relationship was different, our coping skills are different, our interdependence varies, our length of time together different, our closeness varies, etc. and all of that is going to affect it. Don't compare yourself to anyone, you are very normal in your grief, please don't expect anything different from yourself.

[wmjsca]

Well said, KayC.

[Korina]

For me, when I am busy, I am generally okay. But then when things quiet down, Kailyn is in bed, and I am alone, the sadness melts over me, the tears may come, or they may not. Somedays I can look at his picture and smile, and somedays I cry. I expect that I will always have periods of sadness, but have no idea how often or of the intensity as time goes on. I have resolved to just deal with it, and in a way, it feels right because it is at least some kind of feeling that reminds me how much we loved (love) each other.

Korina

[Queeniemary]

I agree with some of the others, that there is no "timeline" that is applicable to us all. We are all individuals, and as such we all handle things differently. I find, as Korina said, if I am busy and involved in other things, I seem to do pretty well, but when I stop, and give myself time to think, then I get overwhelmed. At nearly 10 months since Michael's death, sometimes I think I am doing really well, then reality hits me, and I just hurt so bad. But I keep struggling forward, really don't have a choice. I am going to find the book Widow to Widow, sounds like something that would be good to read.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas.