My Heart Is Too Heavy, Healing Is Painful

[sunstreet]

Hello to everyone. I am struggling very much. I have only had bits and pieces, sort of like jigsaw puzzle pieces, to December 25, 2003 when Melissa sucided till now. I now see every detail clearly and my heart feels so heavy. My therapist tells me that it has taken me this long to be able to really look at that day, and night because I have had to face huge challenges since Melissa's death, that rendered me to feel unsafe to feel anything. My therapist says I put the details of finding Melissa far away from my conscious at the time it happened or I simply would not have survived according to my therapist. When Melissa suicided I was already grieving my sister's suicide, grieving the sudden death of my 5 year old cat, the decline of my Father due to Alzheimer's, my Father was the one and only family member that never layed a hand on me, and my older cat almost 18 years had several health issues one of which was cancer. My therapist tells me that I was like a deer caught in headlights when Melissa suicided and I just pushed all the pain away and forged ahead with bringing my family members who sexually assaulted Melissa to justice. Melissa told me things about their bodies that you could only know if you had seen it, and I knew because they had done it to me many many times.

I struggle this time of year the most. People talk about their families, getting together, I am it, there is no-one, my only living family are my 3 famliy members who are in prison. I know that it is good that I am seeing that day and night in full view now but my heart is heavy. I am having trouble to see my future looking bright. I feel I am clinging on by only a thread at present.

I am starting another group tomorrow. I pray it proves to be healing rather than triggering like the first group I tried. In all honesty, you all are my lifeline here and I thank you from the depths of my heart.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Carol Ann, dear ~ I'm sending blessings and courage right back to you, from all of us ♥

[Perkins808]

Carol Ann ~

I think you are a huge example of human endurance. I hope now that the fog has cleared and you are dealing with everything head on that God gives you the strength to carry on. You seem to have a positive spirit even with all of the traumas in your life - I think this is a blessing that will pull you through this.

Know that your kind words have helped so many of US - I hope we are able to do the same for you.

Hugs,

Tammy

[sunstreet]

Carol Ann, dear ~ I'm sending blessings and courage right back to you, from all of us ♥

Dear Marty,

Thank you so much. Marty, I am so sorry for what you have had to endure and weather as well. I am inspired by your resilience. I wonder what blessings today will bring, that is how I try to look at each day. After journalling the night away, I accept and allow my heart to feel heavy as it has every right to feel heavy.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Tammy,

Thank you so much. I am inspired by many humans who have had to endure, I am just one. God has defnitely carried me, held me, cried with me, carries my load whenever I ask. My Grandmother would sneak me away as a child and read the Bible to me. I always knew if I was to survive I needed to believe in God like my Grandmother. Melissa use to remind me all the time of my Grandmother and how she endured and always still had a smile on her face and joy upon her heart. I am proud of my positive spirit and I agree it is a blessing.

Tammy, you and all of you, have helped me already. I am blessed.

I need to head out now to the bereavement group. I hope it proves healing for me.

Blessinsing and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I don't know what to say except (((hugs))) to you! It sounds like you're making headway. What a road! My heart goes out to you.

[Lainey]

Carol Ann,

You sound so discouraged, my heart goes out to you.

Remember that you are never alone. I think I speak for all here..we, on this site are your family as we are to all that have to be here.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope you feel better soon. Seven years is a long time to suffer and you have been through so much.

((Hugs))

Lainey

[sunstreet]

Dear kayc,

Thank you and (((hugs))) right back to you. I am making headway this is true, but I am just so tired both physically and emotionally. I want and need some respite. I wish I could afford to go away, far away, and totally be relieved of all my responibilities. I have to find a way to make that possible.

My heart goes out to you as well.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Lainey,

Thank you, I think I am feeling discouraged. I have been through a lot. I have always tried to see the blessings in anything that happens. That is just how I am. Sometimes, I want to say to God..enough already. (((hugs))) to you as well.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Carol Ann, dear, I want to recommend to you an absolutely fabulous book that I think you will find very helpful. I have met the author, Terry Wise, and she is truly a remarkable, wonderful person. Her book is called Waking Up: Climbing through the Darkness. (If you click on the book title, you can read Amazon's description and review of the book. Since the book is out of print now, the listed price is outrageous, and I don't know if it's still available from local bookstores, but certainly you could check -- or ask your local library if they could locate a copy for you.) Terry tells of her own near-fatal suicide attempt following her young husband's death from Lou Gehrig's Disease and what she learned about herself in the aftermath, with a detailed account of the work she did with her therapist to understand the abuse she endured as a child and heal from her depression as an adult. It's the most comprehensive description I've ever read of what actually happens in a therapeutic relationship between client and therapist over time, as the author gains greater insight and clearer understanding of herself. I simply cannot recommend this book highly enough, and I hope you'll consider looking for it. At the very least, I hope you'll click on the title and read what others have to say about it.

[sunstreet]

Dear Marty,

Thank you for this recommendation. I did look at Amazon's description and read all the reviews and I agree I think it would be a very good book for me to read. I don't know if I told you ever but I am working on a book that I started in 1994.

Marty, you truly are a kind and generous soul. I have such a grateful heart for your professionalism and your dedication to your work. I thank you.

I have put a request on line with my library so we'll see if they can locate a copy.

Blessings, Carol Ann