Positive (?) Stuff

[melina]

Something weird is going on with me. I haven't cried the last few days. I'm not sure if that's a good sign or a bad one. It's now three and a half months since my husband died. I still think about him, miss him terribly, and sometimes I feel like I might cry, but no tears come.

The positive part is the relief I feel from not having those endless tears, stuffy nose and puffy eyes.

I've started work again, which might account for some of it. Since most of my tears came in the morning, sitting at the kitchen table, thinking about how much I missed him and wanted him back, maybe going to work in the morning somehow breaks the pattern. I have to hurry and get out of the house. Granted, I only work part-time so far.

The first day back at work was a disaster. Our wing of the hospital is pretty disorganized at the moment since there are a lot of people away on different leave of absences, plus we have a new boss who doesn't seem to know what's going on. Also, I'd been moved to a new office and couldn't find all my stuff or log on to the computer. Finally, one unkind word from a secretary broke me down and I started sobbing. Completely unexpected. So I went home. But since then, I've met some of my nicer colleages and things have been going fairly smoothly - though I still feel strange being there.

So I don't know if any of you have had "dry spells" without tears at this stage. I'm thankful for it, but at the same time wary because I know they'll probably be back. The whole chutes and ladders thing. I'm starting a bereavement group on the 30th, so I expect tears then. But so far, I'm just grateful for a break.

Melina

[Guest NancyL]

Hi Melinda, I think crying is also each persons way of dealing with grief. I haven't cried in weeks, although its only been 7 weeks since Don died. I really think it helped me to go back to work the week after he died. I can now talk about everything with my work friends if I need to, but haven't needed to for a while. I've read where each person deals with grief differently, so don't worry about tears or no tears, just let it happen. However, find something positive to think about or do when the tears flow.

[Queeniemary]

Melina, I think we each of us deal with this in different ways, but I too have had a dry spell. I still hurt inside, and miss Michael terribly, and occasionally will tear up, but the sobbing, I can't go on crying has stopped. My personal thought is that the tears are for healing, and we are starting to heal a little, and maybe don't need the tears as much....just my opinion. I am reading the book "Widow to Widow" that someone here recommended, and I really like it. She so "gets" it!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina

I'm happy for you! You are making progress. I am getting better about the crying, the spells aren't as frequent, but the sadness persists. I'm still wrestling with anger, too. The reality of the situation is what I'm dealing with now. I was in school during his hospitalization, but took a few weeks off after his death to settle myself, but got back into school right away. People asked me how I could be in school under the circumstances, but my reasoning was that I had to do something that 'made sense' because nothing else did at that time, nor does it now.

There is a strangeness in doing 'normal' things when my life has been altered so drastically, but I've resigned myself to creating an existence without Clint. And it WILL be different.

Here's wishing your continued progress, and just know that when those spells happen, they're just further evidence of growth.

[kayc]

Melina, tears aren't the only way to grieve. I don't know if you've ever used a pressure cooker or not, but there is a release valve and when the pressure builds, the release valve lets off some steam so it doesn't blow up and the pressure can be regulated. I've often thought of tears in the same way, they release some of what's pent up in us. Sometimes we can cry all our tears out and the crying is just on the inside. And sometimes we adjust to things enough that the tears aren't needed in the same way. You will always find you miss and love him, and tears will come and go, but eventually you adjust to your new situation. Notice I didn't say like it, but adjust to it. There's a difference. Little by little you will learn to appreciate the good that there still is in life, although finding purpose seems to be more of a struggle. You are progressing through the different stages of grief, even if you don't see it at the time. We all do, somehow, even when we don't see it possible. For some it takes longer, for some they seem to fight against it, all of our journeys vary, but little by little, we progress through it.

Pats on the back for going back to work and making your way through that! It's hard enough, but to have changes going on at work when you're going through this, well it's a lot. Good luck to you there. I hope you find some people that make your day and brighten your world a bit.

[melina]

Thanks for comments everyone. I spoke a little too soon, since tonight I've shed some tears, but the crying isn't as heavy as it was a while back. I'm just so sad he's gone and I miss him so much. That ache is always inside me even if the tears don't come.

Melina

[kayc]

Yep, I know what you mean.

[nats]

Melina,

I hear positive eneregy here, I am still having days that I cry, generally something triggers them, preparing for the upcomming Holidays have triggered them the last few days and I understand all "the first's" without our loved ones are very hard....Ruth and I always had so much love and fun during the holidays and I'm feeling pretty strong waves of grief already, but I know I must forge ahead with or without the tears.....I went back to work within days after she left and I'm sure that has helped.....so Yes we all have our dry days and some days we have some scattered showers.....may you continue to heal...

NATS

[Queeniemary]

Love that Nats, scattered showers! You always leave me feeling good and positive after reading your posts. Hope all is going well for you my friend, or as well as we can expect on this journey.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas