My First Concert Alone

[sunstreet]

Well, I did it, I went to a benefit concert last night. It was so moving, and so exhilirating, and I felt Melissa right there with me, I felt her smiling knowing that I am at last going on with my life. I never thought I would ever be able to do something again, that Melissa and I always did together. I believe we still did it together, she was just not there with me in body, but she was there with me in spirit. Melissa and I were both so very passionate about supporting causes that provided education on abuse and mental health. I felt my heart alive again as I sat there and watched. I did not feel guilty for enjoying myself. My thinking of late is that the greatest honour I can give to the love we shared is to go forth in the world as I would have done if Melissa were still here. This was the first social event that I went to since Melissa's death. It felt so right and I felt Melissa so close to me. It was perfect! The concert was called Shadow to Light, and basically was a story about a young woman's journey with a mental illness and the obstacles, the intolerance, the injustices she faced and had to overcome as she moved through the darkness and into the Light again.

I also want to share two books with you all that I have found helpful. I have always felt God very near, as I believe He is the reason I am still here. After Melissa suicided though, I must admitt I went through a period where I was very angry with God, making statements like: Have I not been through enough? Why did you not help Melissa as you have helped me? In any event these books may help if you are having a difficult time believing in God and asking Him for help. If God is not your belief, I mean no disrespect.

First book is: When GOD Winks: How the Power of Coincidence Guides Your Life.

Second Book is: When GOD Winks at You: How GOD Speaks Directly to You Through the Power of Coincidence.

The author is Squire Rushnell and they are both on amazon, I got mine at my local library.

Apparently, he has another one titled New Beginnings and now I want to get that one too.

I thank you all, I carry you all as I go through my days. We are here together.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[LostmyHoney]

Carol Ann,

So very happy for you... Bravo !

I feel our loved ones are with us more than we know, that thought carries me through a lot.

I got more time with my Honey than we had thought we would get, so for that I can not be angry with God. I feel blessed and very grateful, but do understand the anger as I have been there in the past.

Rachel

[sunstreet]

Thanks Rachel. I agree I think our loved ones are with us more than we know. At this point in my journey, I feel very blessed and grateful as well. I can say that I was loved, and I gave love, and I still am, and I still do. For that I thank God. I think God can take us being very angry at Him, and He understands. I am moving through this journey just as it is meant to be, no faster, no slower, just the way it is.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Carol Ann

I am so proud of you! I know it took great courage to take this step. I'm happy it was a pleasant experience. It will be nice to enjoy things again, although I can't really imagine it right now. I suppose in time I'll be ready to try some of the things we used to do together...right now I just miss his presence and want to share with him....

[sunstreet]

Thank you so much. For sure you can't imagine that right now. Your loss is so very recent yet. I am so sorry. I know you miss his presence and want to share with him. Don't know if you journal at all but I have found it to be so helpful. I choose to write by hand when I journal rather than typing on my keyboard. There is just something about writing by hand that I find just helps so much more. I don't understnad why but it just does for me. The other thing I do is talk into a tape recorder to Melissa and share with her that way as well. At times, all I can do is weep into the tape recorder. I love to have a candle lit, and my cat on my lap, and listen to what I have recorded, it helps me, it comforts me.

I pray you find your own ways that help you feel you are able to share with him.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I have a "Letters to George" file on my computer, sometimes it just helps to just share with him what I am going through or feeling. Who knows but what they are able to read it?!

[Lainey]

I have journalled by hand to Lars since just after Christmas last year in a book he actually gave to me for my birthday. I found it feels more personal to share my thoughts with him on paper.

Before we were married I lived in a town 120 miles away, so we wrote daily. Maybe that could be the reason I prefer hand writing to the computer.

Lainey

[sunstreet]

Yes, I find it more personal to hand write to Melissa as well. Melissa had always encouraged me to write as and told me that I should write a book as I would have a lot to offer anyone trying to overcome the effects of being raised in an abusive environment. Melissa said you have a lot of hurt in you and it needs to come out. After Melissa suicided I stopped all writing, my book and my poetry. When I was facing cancer alone I became very despairing and felt some anger again that Melissa was not here to help me through. I got out my journal to Melissa and set it on the coffe table knowing this is what I needed to do but my anger prevented me from writing in it. Then I found, my cat, was choosing to sleep on it daily. He normally was on my lap or in one of his three favorite spots sleeping. On the third day, I took my cat's lead and I began to write to Melissa again. That is what I call a "Godwink"

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann