niamh Posted December 13, 2010 Report Share Posted December 13, 2010 I'm having a real extra hard time this week,I was anticipating it knowing I'd be thinking of this time last year and the few days my Dad was in hospital. Sometimes I still find it hard to believe this is reality....1 whole year on Friday. I had a pretty awful experience last Friday morning so been a bit anxious since then.had a dream of my Dad and it was the day of his anniversary but he was here.he was doting on me so so much in the dream.when I woke I felt very confused.....all i felt was something was wrong and I didn't know what and was a bit panicked. The dream was on my mind and it took me a good few seconds to work out what was different from the dream.even then all I thought was "why the heck haven't I talked to my Dad in so long" & actually wanted to go into his room "to him" when it all hit me why I hadn't been ,I burst out crying and sobbed so much.it was actually worse than it happening last year coz at least then I had hugged him and seen him the night before. It was so horrible I never ever want that to happen again. I was sick this morning and just can't eat.yesterday my Mom was saying that my Dad and she went shopping on the Sunday last year for one of my presents.... .....I thought they had simply gone for their usual Sunday drive and thought he was ok but now I guess he just pretended he was ok so they could go shopping for me....so typical of my dearest Dad.he went to bed when he came home & we had to call the dr. that night. Today was the day (altho not the actual date)that I took him to the hospital :-( .....the WRONG one. For some reason I am suddenly blaming myself,I've never thought like that before and logically of course I know it's not my fault but it just keeps going through my mind that it is my fault,I should have taken him somewhere else. I guess it's part and parcel of it all because Friday is 1year and my mind is going a little nuts this week ? The lack of control is so hard,not being able to go back & change it. I just wish the week was over, not even tv is working to distract me now,it feels like the first few weeks of it all except without the shock :-( Only thing is this time I know there are others who know what I'm talking about. We have no plans for Friday,my Mom can't do anything major,and I have no clue what I want.my friends have said they will be here if I want.my mom is going for dinner alright with one of her friends which I'm glad for,day or night don't know yet. I feel a but guilty not having a big family get together,not that family have asked but just letting it pass like any other day feels horrible too because it's not a normal day. It's like part of me wants it to be like the wake last year,all of us together,having drinks,eating my Dads fav sandwiches but another part doesn't want anyone near me. Guess I'll just see what I want on the day itself. I'm just a crazy mess :-( i miss Daddy SO SO MUCH and just plain sick of not seeing him. Thanks for reading ,I know some of you have already hit this,some are also coming close to this so you are all in my thoughts. Hugs,love and so much peace to everyone Xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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