Struggling With One Year Coming Closer

[niamh]

I'm having a real extra hard time this week,I was anticipating it knowing I'd be thinking of this time last year and the few days my Dad was in hospital.

Sometimes I still find it hard to believe this is reality....1 whole year on Friday.

I had a pretty awful experience last Friday morning so been a bit anxious since then.had a dream of my Dad and it was the day of his anniversary but he was here.he was doting on me so so much in the dream.when I woke I felt very confused.....all i felt was something was wrong and I didn't know what and was a bit panicked. The dream was on my mind and it took me a good few seconds to work out what was different from the dream.even then all I thought was "why the heck haven't I talked to my Dad in so long" & actually wanted to go into his room "to him" when it all hit me why I hadn't been ,I burst out crying and sobbed so much.it was actually worse than it happening last year coz at least then I had hugged him and seen him the night before. It was so horrible I never ever want that to happen again.

I was sick this morning and just can't eat.yesterday my Mom was saying that my Dad and she went shopping on the Sunday last year for one of my presents.... .....I thought they had simply gone for their usual Sunday drive and thought he was ok but now I guess he just pretended he was ok so they could go shopping for me....so typical of my dearest Dad.he went to bed when he came home & we had to call the dr. that night.

Today was the day (altho not the actual date)that I took him to the hospital :-( .....the WRONG one. For some reason I am suddenly blaming myself,I've never thought like that before and logically of course I know it's not my fault but it just keeps going through my mind that it is my fault,I should have taken him somewhere else.

I guess it's part and parcel of it all because Friday is 1year and my mind is going a little nuts this week ?

The lack of control is so hard,not being able to go back & change it.

I just wish the week was over, not even tv is working to distract me now,it feels like the first few weeks of it all except without the shock :-(

Only thing is this time I know there are others who know what I'm talking about.

We have no plans for Friday,my Mom can't do anything major,and I have no clue what I want.my friends have said they will be here if I want.my mom is going for dinner alright with one of her friends which I'm glad for,day or night don't know yet. 

I feel a but guilty not having a big family get together,not that family have asked but just letting it pass like any other day feels horrible too because it's not a normal day. It's like part of me wants it to be like the wake last year,all of us together,having drinks,eating my Dads fav sandwiches but another part doesn't want anyone near me. 

Guess I'll just see what I want on the day itself.

 

I'm just a crazy mess :-(

i miss Daddy SO SO MUCH and just plain sick of not seeing him.

Thanks for reading ,I know some of you have already hit this,some are also coming close to this so you are all in my thoughts.

Hugs,love and so much peace to everyone

Xoxox

[2sweetgirls]

Oh, Niamh sweety, I'm so so so sorry that you are going thru this. The one year is a tough one. Being around the holidays never helps.

Please please don't blame yourself for anything. There is and was nothing you could have done to change it. Although we want to believe that we could have done something differently - it was destiny. I don't know if you believe in destiny but, my mom always told me that you can't change someone's destiny. I know it's hard to believe in anything or anyone right now but, believe me YOU are never to blame. Those words don't come easily to me because I blame myself, too, for some things but, we are still here on earth and will go crazy if we continue. I do flip flop myself so I understand the feeling.

I know that waking up after the dream was horrible and upsetting but, if you look at the dream a little differently, you're daddy was doting as usual, right? That is something beautiful to take away from it. I don't know. I am trying to find something good in the dream but, sometimes you just have to feel a certain way until you just don't feel that way anymore. I hope that makes sense.

I wish I could take this week away so you didn't have to deal with it but we both know I can't.

I'll be thinking of you, Niamh, and please try to hang in there. I am so bad at expressing my feelings in words. I would give you a great big hug if I could in person. This cyber one will have to do (((((((((hugs)))))))))

2sweetgirls

[hello123]

Thinking of you Niamh, take care xx

[jodo]

Hi Niam,

I've been thinking about you every single day, and of course have been so worried about you.

Sending you a Big hug. Love you, and miss you.

Jodi

[sunstreet]

Dear Niamh,

Thinking of you and offer my understanding and care. Hugs.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[niamh]

thank you 2 sweetgirls, your words are absolutely perfect. I do know deep down it's not my fault and yep I do believe in destiny (most of the time!!). I guess the one thing keeping this from eating me alive is the fact that Dad always truly believed your time is up when it's up and would always say "we know not nor the hour nor the day" so I try to hold on to that but I guess it's hard not knowing why some people's time is so much more short lived than others.

And yes the dream itself was great in that way, the feeling I had seeing him in it was like my parents had just come back from vacation and I would always be so looking forward to seeing him those times. I think because I was actually talking to him in it, feeling his love in it it made that ache and longing so bad on realising the truth of it all. I Hope in time I will dream/have a visit dream and feel comfort from it even when I wake.

thank you so so much hun,xx

hello123 and Carol Ann, thank you also so much for your kind words and thoughts.

Jodi, thank you too so much, I've been thinking of you aswell, have you got my messages? I've been replying in the "thinking of you yesterday" thread, hope you got them.

I feel like I am reliving the entire week of last year except having to tell myself he's not actually in hospital this time and there won't be floods of people around at the end of the week or next week.

Most of the time I can avoid thinking of the future but maybe because the New Year is close it's making it so much harder, I get so scared thinking ahead, just another year without him.Guess I need to really try to focus on taking this one minute at a time.

((((HUGS)))) to you all, sometimes I wish we weren't all scattered thousands of miles away.

I'm thinking of you all too as I know holidays are tough for everyone. I will hold onto the tiny comfort that I am not 100% alone with these feelings.

Niamh

xo

[loulou]

Hi Niamh.I'm thinking of you tonight as I sit here crying.One year...mine is coming up in 2 weeks.Yesterday I was ok.Now I'm in pieces.Sat. will be one year that I saw my Dad alive although we would talk daily.I remeber kissing his face telling him I loved him.My god the pain is unbearable.I'm thinking of you my friend.I read this post just now,and it felt uncompleted without my reply.Us daddies girls....Anyway,I agree with everything everyone says...such a blur.So hard to except.Love you sweetie.

[niamh]

Loulou, I'm right there with you, I'm so sorry you also are thinking of the lasts, it's like everyday there is one little thing from last year that was the last with my Dad too. I never knew how hard the 1 year was before for people, maybe those I know simply covered the pain a bit more than I can. A million thanks for your reply, kind words & friendship, love you too,xox

[hello123]

Its so weird I was trying not to think of the one year, but same here, I've been having nightmares for the past few days and I'm dreading it coming up, I know it'll be the same for you guys disbelief and shock but a weird feeling cuz it has sunk in more than before, I just cant even cry anymore just feel sick. Thinking of you lots xxx

[niamh]

that's exactly it hello123, disbelief still but so different at the same time from last year because it's more real, it's not changing as time goes on like my mind sometimes expected .....as in no matter what season comes, he still doesn't come home, Christmas coming and he still isn't coming back..... so it's sinking in more and more & Christmas is so much more real this year, I'm too aware of too much, I kind of wish I could turn on a numb switch now.

I'm so sorry for your nightmares, I only slept about 3.5 hours last night and that was split over the night so I think our minds definitely seem to be having a extra hard time. I have that sick feeling too, appetite is gone funny last few days.

well, I'm here with you too and SO thankful for all of you here because this week, my friends & family are just not enough at all. (much as i love them!)

((hugs)))

[Daughter2010]

Niamh,

I can relate. There are no words to describe what we feel. At times I feel as if my father had gone on a long trip to distant land....my mind at times thinks he is in another country far far away....he just won't be here in the physical form. I know that we as daughters carry our parents within us and they are living through us as we carry a lot of them in us.

It feels so surreal to keep on going and knowing my father has passed on. At times I look at myself in the mirror and can see some of my father in me, both in the physical and the character. I miss him so very much and always will.

I wished things were different, but again...we have no control of this. We have to learn to live with it and keep going.

big hug for you niamh...just hang in there.

Much love and peace to you,

-L

[Butterfly9]

Dear Niamh,

I have been thinking about you and the 1-year mark of your precious Daddy. Sending you a great big hug. You, your Mom and your Dad are in my thoughts and prayers.

I too relive that awful time when my Dad was in the hospital. I still have guilt, like I should have done this or that and maybe my Dad would still be here in the physical world. I guess we all go through that. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and prevent my Dad from his illness but I know that is not possible.

I had a hard time and I was crying as I was driving home from work last Friday. I miss my Dad so much and I just hate this new life. It has changed so much and I don't like it. The Holidays are really hard because my Dad always loved Christmas. We are not having a Christmas tree this year. My family just doesn't feel like celebrating. My Dad means the world to me and so much more and I miss not seeing him and talking to him.

I can understand that you would want a family get together for your Dad's 1-year mark as to have everyone remember the wonderful Dad, Husband and person your Dad is. On the other hand, it can also be so overwhelming and bring up all the pain again and not wanting to be around anyone. That is normal. Your Dad understands.

Walking in these new shoes has been a very difficult experience. It is the hardest thing to do. I use TV as a distraction also and then I just like go to bed early to sleep and forget about things. It is still a shock for me and it always will be.

I'm thinking about you and may God/Infinite Light bring you and your Mom some peace and comfort.

Sending you hugs, love, comfort and strength.

Butterfly9