Bittersweet Christmas Was For Me

[sunstreet]

God Bless You, Marty for keeping this site going over the holidays...thank you! I went to the care facility on Christmas Day. It warmed my heart, the residents so enjoyed my piano playing, and one resident who apparently has not said a word in over a year, started to sing when I played Silent Night. The man I invited to come, failrly much was crying most of the time. I took a break after 40 minutes, and went and asked if I could sit next to him. He looked at me and gestured for me to sit, so I did. He looked at me and asked if he could hold my hand. As if he could read my mind, and knew my wondering why, he said, I want to hold the hand of an angel, because that is what you are to me. Well, then I started to cry. I said I am not an angel, I just know the pain of loosing your spouse to suicide. He said what you don't know is that at the Memorial, I was silently praying to God, to give me a sign, that He was real. He answered my Prayer, He sent you, to me you are an angel sent from God. I said Praise God!

I went and finished the next half of my piano playing and felt both a feeling of warmth, comfort, alongside deep sorrow that Melissa was not there with me, and felt myself pushing back tears as I played.

Afterwards, my friend and I shared Christmas Dinner with the residents and unfortunately due to my dental issue going on, could not as much as I wanted to that is for sure!

On my drive home, I started to feel more and more alone. It was real hard to come home knowing no-one would be there but my cat, who honestly is my angel from God! I came in made myself a cup of chamoimile tea, put on some lovely music for relaxation. I am sorry I was not on here yesterday but I knew that if I read any of goings on with family members, and especially children yesterday, I would have begun weeping for sure. My cat Cheekeh jumped up on my lap, and gave me this look like I know your hurting Mom, it will be OK, and that is when I started weeping. I was feeling so very sad that Melissa was not here to see what blessings life has to offer if one's heart is open to them. I miss her so even still.

I was feeling absolutely sorry for myself that there is no-one in my life to phone and say "I am thinking of you on this day especially" Just when I began to weep even more, my cell rang and it was the man I met at the Memorial, to say he was thinking of me and that he had lit a candle for Melissa, and I said now God answered my prayer and gave me a sign, and brought me an angel. I cried myself to sleep.

Today, honestly I have been feeling blue and that is why I chose this text colour. This time of year is just so hard for me. I want a family so bad it aches.

Know that I have read all of your posts and I am sorry I just don't have enough to reply to them individually. I offer my love, my support, and understanding.

Thanks again Marty, for working during the holidays.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Carol Ann,

You are such an inspiration to me and I just wanted you to know that when I lost Clint, I basically lost my family, too. I can relate to having no one to call, but I do have my son, and I've been so much a basket case for the last week, I asked him to please forgive mommy for being sad when it seemed the entire world was just so damned happy! I tried to fake it, but it's lonely as hell without my friend and love by my side.

It was good to give to others and I'm glad for you that it helped. I stayed in the house all day long, almost as a way to forget what day it was. I just couldn't deal with it. He's been gone two months and it's still raw at times.

Through your grief and giving to others it seems you've made a friend and he seems to care for your wellbeing which is such a gift. Good for you!

You have suffered much and survived. I hope to make the progress you've made.

Take care.

[grace10]

Carol Ann,

That is so wonderful that you gave by playing the piano on Christmas. Yes, music really does bring out a lot of emotions with the elderly in homes, and it is heartwarming when someone who normally does not talk or sing starts to do this.

I had the opportunity to join a strolling singing group last week. We went to two nursing homes in the evening, and went from room to room. I think just about everyone's eyes lighted up.

I am sorry the rest of the day was so difficult. I hope you continue playing piano at the nursing home too.

[sunstreet]

Oh Dear Wmjsca,

I am deeply touched that I am an inspiration to you. Thank you for sharing with me that when you lost Clint, you also lost your family. I am just so very very sorry for all your loss. It helps though to know that I am not alone with not having family. I am sorry that you can relate to this pain. I am happy for you that you have your son. I have my Cheeleh, and he is my son, even though he is a cat. I too find myself apologizing to Cheekeh when I weep as I know it upsets him. I just reassure him though that sometimes Mommy needs to cry because it is part of the healing that Mommy needs to do and that I am ok. I suspect you are teaching your son how to grieve, and that it is OK to express your feelings, no matter what the world is feeling. I commend you for not hiding your grief from your son. What a gift you are giving him.

Of course you were a basket case, and stayed in the house all day on Christmas Day. It has only been two months for you, so new, so raw still. I am inspired by your ability to post and offer me support when you yourself are so new to this journey and your pain so acute.

Thank you for acknowledging that I have suffered much and survived. I have faith that you will make progress in this journey, as you already have, in it's own time, and in your own way. I lift you in gentle thought and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Grace10,

Thank you for your post and empathy. Thank you for joining a strolling singing group last week and bringing some joy to the residents at the nursing home. Good for you!

Yes, I will continue to play at the long term care facility. I have been going there for a while now but never played the piano till this Christmas. The healing I have done to date, made it possible for me to do that this year.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

How special that you gave of yourself to others on Christmas! I'm sorry you don't have family and friends nearby to keep you company, but I think since you're such a selfless person, new friends just may make their way into your life to help fill some of the void.

I had a great Christmas, in spite of Jim dumping me, in spite of "not having someone special in my life". My kids were here, and although they had to split their time up between their dad and me, I got a few hours with them and it was nice. I'm glad I decided to put up a tree and decorations, for in spite of how difficult it was to do by myself, I benefited greatly by the beauty of it. I did pretty good putting it up...taking it down proved to be a little harder as the memories got to me.

[kayc]

Carol Ann, I think you are an inspiration to us all! I'm glad you joined this site...

[Lainey]

Carol Ann,

I too am very happy that you are a part of this site. Unknown to you, many things you have written have been a benefit to me.

Thank you.

Lainey

[sunstreet]

Carol Ann,

I too am very happy that you are a part of this site. Unknown to you, many things you have written have been a benefit to me.

Thank you.

Lainey

Thank you Lainey. I am happy that you are part of this site too. We benefit each other all of us here.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Carol Ann, I think you are an inspiration to us all! I'm glad you joined this site...

Thank you Kayc. We are all an inspiration here!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann