Last Night.....

[wmjsca]

I don't know what the deal was yesterday. Maybe it was because I started the Spring semester and now that I'm closer to the degree things are getting more challenging. Or maybe because most of my classes must be in the evening and juggling parenthood around that schedule is hectic and will require serious adjustment. Or maybe it's because I just had my birthday and I feel old, alone and undesirable. It could be one of a million things, but I only know I missed Clint so much yesterday---everyday, but for some reason, I gave in to sobs most of the evening and cried myself to sleep. I just miss him so much and I guess most days I try to not think of how different and empty life really is now. The days go by, as they will, but my joy is gone. I don't have the same 'pep in my step' and the true happiness of my life is gone. I love my son dearly, and don't mean that he's not my joy as well, but my life as a woman is gone, maybe forever. My life as a woman is over---and I just turned 53. I guess it just really got to me. I may as well join a convent now. It's beautiful being a mom, I don't regret that, but is that all I'm meant to be the remainder of my life? I guess I'm having a pity party and I didn't know who to invite except my friends on this forum. No one else understands. No one else seems to care. It's almost as though Clint never existed. Except for me. I loved him so. I still do. And the world continues to turn as though that no longer matters.

[melina]

Wmjsca (wish I knew your real name),

You and me both. I'll be 53 in June and this past week has been a sobbing week for me. Must be the stress of traveling and trying to be social.

I love my sons, but I have a deep, black hole inside. I miss my husband from the bottom of my soul. I also miss being part of a twosome - miss being held and loved. Now at almost six months, I seem to be having a setback. But it's temporary. We'll both move on - and we'll be okay. I'm sure of that. Meanwhile, let's have that pity party. I wish you all lived nearby so we really could have that party and have fun trying not to be miserable together.

Melina

[Dimcl]

Count me in for the pity party, as well. Glenn's only been gone for 2 1/2 months and I'm already looking down the road from my advanced old age of 56 (!) and wondering if my life is over. I'm honestly trying to stay active, stay involved with some of the volunteer work I do, but I have nobody in the town where I live, no children, my phone bill from making long-distance calls is exhorbitant and I feel like I'm rolling a rock uphill with no progress made. My sister very kindly told me that I look like hell (with family like that...) and I don't remember the last time I laughed.

Look at it this way, wmjsca - at least you are a Mom and you have your son's future to look forward to. I know that's not a lot of consolation at times, but he's someone to care for and nurture and watch grow. You'll probably be mother of the groom and grandma someday, so there is that in your future. As for joining a convent... I wish I was Catholic!

Di

[kayc]

I do know what you guys are saying, and I totally understand...I've been there. But your life isn't over and you are STILL a woman! You don't need a man's validation to feel feminine or know your worth. Trust me, this has been a hard lesson for me to learn, and quite a pathway to get there! I still like dressing up on ocassion, I still go through my makeup routine every day, I still enjoy a chick flick or lunch out with a friend. I am still me! Sure, I no longer have George's appreciative glance, no one to hold hands with or cuddle with at night, I have no one that wows me with their kisses, no one's big chest to lay my head on. But just because he is gone does not change who I am! It does affect my roles and activities. I now have to handle anything and everything that goes on at my place AND pay for it all. Does that make me less of a woman? No! If anything, it makes me MORE of one! Do I miss the hugs and kisses and love and appreciation? You betcha! Yes it's good to be a mom, a friend, a sister, but it's not the same as being someone's wife. Maybe I will be again someday, maybe I won't...I'm not looking for that, and since I don't date, it's not likely to happen, but I can't predict the future. I have a friend who was in her 80s and got married, and judging by the two of them, it's their best marriage ever! They haven't lost the ability to love and appreciate even at their age! She just came through cancer, and her dear sweet husband of three years has been so devoted to her...driving the 100 mile round trip every day to see her in the hospital, taking care of her dog (that is now theirs) and their place, holding her hand and encouraging her...and now that she's home, he's waiting on her hand and foot! Ahh, we don't know what life has for us. When something as devastating as losing your husband and best friend happens, we think life is over...and is IS...as we KNOW it! But there remains to be seen the rest of it. Give yourself time to adjust to all that has happened, grieve, mourn for your losses, but keep your heart and mind open to the future, whatever it contains, with or without a partner, we remain wonderful women with the rest of our lives before us! Embrace what remains for us, even if it's altered, even if it's not of our choosing...we might just have a surprise or two in store for us. Okay, it's not the same and we'd want our husband back if we could make that choice, but there are still the little joys in store for us along the way and I choose to embrace them. I have (hopefully) grandchildren I've never met yet (okay, my son has to get a date first) and friends I don't yet know, maybe places I haven't yet lived, or activities I haven't yet done, talents I haven't yet developed, and people I haven't yet helped...there are experiences in my life I am still here for, until the day God calls me home.

[Lainey]

Belated bithday wishes to you, I'll let you in on a little secret..53 is still young. Right now you may feel like your life is over..it is, as you knew it but that doesn't mean you will never know the joys of being a woman again. Be proud of yourself as time goes on, and you learn how capable you are in doing things you thought you couldn't do.

I'm going to be 60 this year and am looking forward to the new things I want to do, and Lars will be beside me cheering me on. I've always been self employed but want to explore the idea of a different job. I want to volunteer,get healthier and many more things and maybe along the way there will be a new friend or companion.

Kay put the words much more eloquently than I'm able to,but I agree completely with what she said.

Lainey

[Susie Q]

Bad time for me too. I have gone on leave pending retirement as per our grand plan.

I would have been so thrilled today and smiling from ear to ear to have all day, everyday, from now on just to spend together. I feel so sad that those wonderful times will never happen and am feeling the shock of his death all over again. No previous medical problems,just gone in one week.

Thankfully, we lived a very full life and from the last 32 years I have support from wonderful family and friends, and memories of amazing travels and special times. I am so very, very grateful for all of that and I know in my heart how lucky I am, but even so, today, I'm feeling cheated and that life is so very unfair. I am definitely a candidate for the pity party so sign me up.

Eveyone here is struggling to get through this nightmare, but we are making an effort to heal in the end. I think that makes for a pretty special bunch of inspirational people who are entitled to feel down from time to time.

I know I'll feel better soon - it's one of the learnings I've acquired with time. Kay C always gives us the longer term view and I appreciate it greatly....Susie Q

[sunstreet]

I want to acknowledge and validate how you all are feeling. I so understand as I was once there myself in this journey. I send you all a hug. I want to offer you all HOPE that one day you will feel and see more LIGHT in your days than the DARKNESS and PAIN. I am just over 7 years in this life long process now and this has been my experience in this journey.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I want to add, that there is a big difference between a month out and five years...I hope I didn't make anyone feel I was discounting what they are feeling, because everything we feel is completely valid. I just wanted you to see that it gets better and looks and feels differently when you're further out...but then I lost George 06/19/2005, so it's been quite a while for me to get to this point. I've gone through a whole lot and made some mistakes along the way, but I'm here!

[melina]

Thanks - it's good to know that others have made it through. That always gives me hope and what I need above all right now is hope!

Melina

[Deb625]

I don't know what the deal was yesterday. Maybe it was because I started the Spring semester and now that I'm closer to the degree things are getting more challenging. Or maybe because most of my classes must be in the evening and juggling parenthood around that schedule is hectic and will require serious adjustment. Or maybe it's because I just had my birthday and I feel old, alone and undesirable. It could be one of a million things, but I only know I missed Clint so much yesterday---everyday, but for some reason, I gave in to sobs most of the evening and cried myself to sleep. I just miss him so much and I guess most days I try to not think of how different and empty life really is now. The days go by, as they will, but my joy is gone. I don't have the same 'pep in my step' and the true happiness of my life is gone. I love my son dearly, and don't mean that he's not my joy as well, but my life as a woman is gone, maybe forever. My life as a woman is over---and I just turned 53. I guess it just really got to me. I may as well join a convent now. It's beautiful being a mom, I don't regret that, but is that all I'm meant to be the remainder of my life? I guess I'm having a pity party and I didn't know who to invite except my friends on this forum. No one else understands. No one else seems to care. It's almost as though Clint never existed. Except for me. I loved him so. I still do. And the world continues to turn as though that no longer matters.

I'm so sorry for your loss. This tragedy we live through is devasting in so many ways... I totally get that others around seem to "forget" that our "other half" existed, they have gotten on with their lives - which is normal, I can't fault them for that and God, I wouldn't want them to be like me... I can't imagine what it would be like if there were more than one of us at a time in my crazy world... I'm grateful that I have this group, where I can see I am "normal" in my grief, and I'm grateful for my friends and family that are "trying" to help me through this as best they can. It is a rough road we travel, there is no map and we just hope that we find our way - wherever or however,that may be. It is just one foot in front of the other and sometimes it is just to breathe. I sounds like you have a heck of a lot on your plate with school and a child to raise... Be gentle with yourself and know we are here and we care. Take care, Deb