What's Wrong With Me?!

[lostinthought]

I don't understand why I am feeling the way I am. I lost my grandfather on December 14, 2010 to end stage renal failure and CHF. He married my grandmother when I was 6 and has taken care of me ever since. He was my rock. I loved him dearly and miss him more and more with every passing day. I don't know what to do or where to turn. He was 86 at the time of his death and I cherish the final days we spent together. He was placed with Hospice during the last couple weeks before his death. I brought him home with me when it became to hard for my grandmother to take care of him. I refused to let him be placed in the hospice house. Only because I knew how important it was for him to be with family. My husband and kids were wonderful. The day he passed still haunts me. The hardest thing for me was having to watch him go from being extremely independant to totally dependent and delusional. It was so hard! My heart just breaks remembering those final days. None of my family (my aunts and uncles from my grandmothers first marriage) stepped up to help. One of my aunts is unemployed, no kids at home, and lived in my grandmothers old house, 5 miles down the road from them, rent free. She could have atleast helped. They felt like grandma should hire someone to take care of him. They rarely visited him before he got sick. He was always good to them and never thought harshly of them for not seeing their momma often. Papa's son was stationed halfway across the country and tried to be there emotionally. It killed him not making it before he passed. He was in route (1 hour away) the morning he passed. Anyway, the time after his death was a blur for me. It seemed like everyone expected/demanded I take over funeral arrangements on grandmas behalf. Looking back I really don't think I was able to go through the grieving process because I was trying to be strong for my grandmother. Now she's the one who looks like she dealing GREAT! While I am breaking down at the oddest of times. I'm lashing out at my husband and children. Just out of the blue I will break down and cry. Today has been awful. I miss our weekly chats. He would always call me by the end of the week if I haven't called first. He would say "I haven't heard from my baby this week. I just wanted to make sure you had a good week." I MISS THAT! He was the one person I knew I could depend on no matter what. I am also dealing with a lot of anger towards my mom, aunts, and uncles. Now they are all coming around to see grandma and she is just enjoying every minute of. Its like she doesn't remember the last 26 years of how they treated her. They remind me of vulchers swarming over a freshly dead carcass! I hate feeling this way but My grandfather was a good man. I hate knowing that now they will come. My mom didn't even come to the funeral. She said her car was broke. I tried calling her 4 times the day of the setting up to let her know I would go and get her but she ignored my call. I can't even go around my grandmother right now. It just hurts too much. I hate feeling this way. This isn't me. I feel like my husband doesn't understand. I'm totally lost!

[jodo]

Dear lostinthought,

First of all, I'm so sorry about the loss of your dear Grandpa, I understand completely why you're feeling the way you are. It sounds like your Grandpa was your best friend, and your "world" . And, on top of your pain and grief, you have all the family "issues". All of these emotions put together are more than any person should ever have to deal with.

I lost my Dad 13 months ago, and I'm barely functioning ! I still cry all the time, and miss him SO much, it STILL feels unreal to me that he is gone. I also have anger like you, but mine is towards the hospital (We believe they killed him).

I'm sorry that it's hard to be around your Grandma right now, Is it because it's hard to be in her house without your Grandpa there ? Does she know how hard you are taking all of this ?

Well, I'm so glad you shared your story, and you will find many on this site that are feeling the exact same way that you are.

I wish you Peace, comfort, and Love

Hope to hear from you again soon,

Love, Jodi

[2sweetgirls]

lostinthought,

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandfather. He sounds like a special person. I'm so sorry you had to deal with the arrangements and with family who didn't act how you thought they should.

I lost my mom 11-09 and my dad 10-10. It is still really hard at times. The pain is always there, I'm just much better at hiding it in front of people. To answer your question of "What's wrong with me?" - the answer is absolutely nothing at all. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Everyones grief is different with different circumstances (extended family) but the loss is hard to deal with. The anger is difficult. I feel so angry sometimes I have to excuse myself in order to gather myself. My husband has been great but, sometimes I come out of left field and start something. He starts to get into it with me until he realizes (you can actually see the expression on his face change) that it's just the grief coming out - then he backs off. I hope that you are able to express yourself to your husband and make him realize the this is DARN HARD. Hopefully, he'll start to understand. Honestly, before this horror happened to me, I could empathize with others but, couldn't truly understand. My husband lost his grandparents when he was a young adult and remembers how he felt, in addition to watching him mom "deal" with it. So, he hates watching me drowning in this whole thing.

I hope you keep coming to this website and sharing or just reading. You will realize that what you are feeling, as crazy as you feel it is, is normal.

Wishing you peace today, tomorrow and always.

2sweeetgirls

[niamh]

hi lostinthought,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandfather. Like my 2 friends have said there is absolutely nothing at all wrong with you, everything you are thinking and feeling is normal, it's not the normal you know of course but after losing your Grandfather, it is normal and it all makes complete sense to us.

I'm sorry you had to watch him in such pain, I can't being to imagine, I lost my Dad suddenly so one minute he was just my Dad, joking, chatting,waiting to get out of hospital to get on with all the Christmas plans, next think he's just gone, none of it makes sense really.

I'm sorry too your family didn't help out with everything. All these sorries, yet I know it doesn't help.

I know it looks to you like your Grandma is not grieving but the one thing this nightmare has taught me is that you never ever know what's going on inside somebody, just because people look ok, they look like they are carrying on as "normal", yet you may not know the turmoil on the inside. Everybody deals with grief so differently, I never knew what true grief was until this, even though I have lost close family, it did have some impact but nothing at all compared to this.

I hear you when you say you are lashing out, I think it's all part of the frustration of what's happened, just having absolutely not control over this, not being able to change it ........of course I speak for me when I say that. I've felt so much rage at times (it goes beyond anger) but then it will just erupt into tears .........I guess it's just getting something out of my system so that can't be a bad thing.

I too think family can probably be the worst people at a time like this, I don't mean that in a bad way against family, but because family are also dealing with this loss, so everyone reacts differently, everyone is missing different things because every relationship was unique so there's just a big mess of emotion when everyone needs support. I hope you have some support outside your family, maybe close friends who are just not as emotionally tied to this as you and your family. I'm also not making excuses here for any of your family, it's awful if they have not been good.

I do get the anger with family, I've felt it, sometimes still do, I feel like everyone else just got on with things, life went back to normal for them all within weeks yet for Mom & me it was destroyed and time stopped that day for us. But then I try to think well of course they miss him but he was not necessarily a part of their everyday lives so when they sit down to dinner, they don't see an empty chair etc but at times that still doesn't help. I think underneath it all I'm probably not actually angry at them, but angry at the universe, God, the world, even my Dad, because I just want him here, this should never have happened so early in my life, there was too much left to do with him.

Like I said, I don't have any words of comfort but I hope that maybe from reading here, sharing with us you will know that you are perfectly normal and everything you think and feel is normal. All we can do is share with you without judging, without expectations.

I only wish we could all fix this, fix each other but we can't and I think more importantly we know we can't, all we can do is just be there and share with each other. It "helps" me to know that maybe I am not quite as alone as I sometimes feel when I can come here write and someone else just says "yeah, I get it".

sending a big hug and love your way

Niamh

[grace10]

lostinthought,

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandpa. It sure sounds like he was your best friend, in many ways, as well. The title of your post is "What's Wrong With Me?" I do not think there is anything "wrong" with you at all. You are experiencing the emotions of grief and loss, and it is not at all uncommon to burst out in tears and/or feel angry at those around you.

And, you are perfectly justified in thinking of family members who are swarming as "vultures", especially if their behavior in the past has been just awful. I would be furious observing this and any effect this has on your grandma. As already mentioned, you do not really know the effect this family behavior is having on grandma either. Maybe it would be helpful, if possible, to minimize the time you spend around the vultures, and try to spend some quality alone time with grandma, invite her to you home maybe, go out to eat? I do not pretend to know the whole story, just a suggestion.

[lostinthought]

Thank you everyone...I understand what you mean 2sweetgirls. I too am lashing out at my husband for the craziest of things. I tried to apologize yesterday for it but I really don't feel like he really understand. We have both lost loved ones over the years but nobody as close as my papa and I. It is really hard going to the house where he's always been...but I don't think its all that when it comes to my grandmother. I am finding it really hard to even talk to her on the phone. A lot of things transpired with so called "family" when papa got sick and then later passed away and her response to some of the thimgs were "Oh honey just look over" or "They're really busy" BUSY!!! Nobody is any busier than me! I have 3 kids, a full time high stressed job, girl scout leader, and my kids are involved in sports but I dropped everything to make his last days less miserable and would do it all over again and not think twice! But yet she is soaking up all the attention from her children and saying "Now maybe they'll come see me" What...they were too good to visit you when he was alive but now that he's dead they'll come visit. She says "oh they new he was taking care of me. That's why they didn't come" BULL!!! I've been married for 12 years to a great man but my pappa still checked on me often and visited. As for trying to spend a little alone time with grandma, I've tried but my aunt (who happened to be the one who has just been evil to me. Even went so far as to be disrespectful to me at my paps funeral) is always around. She's unemployed and has been mooching off my grandma for the last 10 years. I think its just going to take some time. Thank you all so much for letting me vent and not judging. Sometimes I feel out of control. I hate that feeling. I'm usually the go to person who everyone goes to if they need help or a shoulder to cry on. Now I can't tell if I'm coming or going. This too I hope shall eventually pass...

Love

lostinthought

[cowboy daughter]

I, too, am feeling angry along with the overwhelming sadness. 3 hours after my dad died my mom told everyone to go through his things and take what they wanted. I actually yelled at them that they looked like a bunch of effing vultures going through his stuff and ran out of the room crying. 2 days after the funeral my mom told me I need to pull myself together and get over it. He only died 11 days ago!! She's already repainting their bedroom and told me to come get the pictures of his family. They were her family too for 50 years---I just don't get it. I feel like she too is enjoying the widow status and attention while I was the one taking care of him his final days as you were with your papa.

[lostinthought]

Cowboy Daughter,

It hurts!!! I know how you feel. That's sort of how it feels with my grandmother. My husband made the comment that the other day when he stopped in to check on her he said she was "glowing"?!? I understand that everyone deals with grief in their own way but I couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose my husband and we've on been together for 12 years. She had been married to the man for 26 yrs. He took care of her. The whole time he was sick she was in denial. Kept saying he was going to get better. Even when hospice stepped in she refused to aknowledge how sick he actually was. I don't know maybe I'm just frustrated and wish she felt like me! I'm sorry we both have to deal with our crappy families...but sometimes you have to play the hand you're dealt. Doesn't mean we have to sit back and agree with things. I have chosen to pull away and not put myself through all that. Atleast until I heal...