Dimcl Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 It's been 3 1/2 months since I lost Glenn and as lots of people here have pointed out has happened to them, it is getting harder for me, not easier. I know that right now, a large part of my problem is being hung up on feeling so badly for Glenn. Oh sure, I feel sorry for myself too, but what really breaks my heart is how sorry I am for this to have happened to my strong, vital man. I'm sorry he got cancer. I'm sorry that the !#$%^ family physician didn't authorize a colonoscopy in 2009 when Glenn asked for one. I'm sorry that I didn't stay longer with him that last night in the hospital. He was doing just fine, was off all painkillers and we were talking about getting him home. I'm sorry that the GD doctors didn't properly monitor his heart after the first episode of atrial fibrillation two days after his surgery. That's what killed him 3 days later, not the cancer. I'm sorry he died all alone in a hospital bed and not at home. I'm sorry that he always believed he would live to be 95. I'm sorry for so many things, but I'm mostly sorry that my lovely man was cheated. These are all things that I had no control over (except for leaving him that night), but I can't get past the injustice of it. I want to scream and rant and rave, but there's nobody and nothing to scream at. He didn't deserve what happened to him. I know that life's not fair and I know that I'm railing about things I can do nothing about, but right now, this is my predominant concern. How do I tell myself that there's no point in being sorry about these things? How do I get past wanting to make it up to him when I know I can't? How do I tell myself that it's okay when it's not? Di Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostmyHoney Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 Di I just want you to know I struggle with all those things as well...but we just keep on going... (((hugs))) Rachel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wmjsca Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 Di, I feel you. I just passed the four month mark on Tuesday, and I can relate. It has only gotten better in that the pain isn't as raw as then, but the pain of life without him remains. I think of all the milestones he'll miss; we'll miss together and that our life together was cut so short. And it's not fair and I'm still angry and frustrated with it all. I can only say that we have to live through each and every part of the pain because since we're still here, we really have no other choice. I will be thinking of you today and know you'll get through this day and build on your future....one day at a time my friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 I read in one of the many books on grief that blame is one of the stages one goes through - if not blaming oneself, then blaming the hospital, doctors, etc. I am doing exactly the same thing and have asked for an inquiry at the hospital where my son died after being fine when admitted and yet gone 11 days later. My psychiatrist has urged me not to take it out on the hospital but I can't help it. I think it's a natural reaction. Take care Nicholas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted February 24, 2011 Report Share Posted February 24, 2011 Dear Di, I am sorry for your pain. I believe you have a "right" to all of your feelings. I agree with Nicholas, in that, whatever we need to do to move along on this path of grief and loss, is exactly what we should do. I don't believe anyone is a better authority to know what we need than our self. As you know my Melissa took her own life and for the longest time, I was plagued with what I call the "what if's" and I did all that I needed to do to be able to work through those. A different struggle than your's for sure, but the pain of it similar. I just wanted to say I resonate with your pain and for me in the end " I accepted" I did the best I could in the moment and that is all I can ask of myself. I offer a (((( HUG )))) Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 I think most of us have felt these same things...George's doctor should have sent him to a heart specialist to be checked out when he complained of the symptoms, but he didn't. I wish I hadn't been gone that fatal weekend, I was only gone once a year and wouldn't you know, that'd be the weekend. I wish he hadn't suffered, and been ripped out of growing old with me unnecessarily. But when all is said and done, it is us who have suffered the most, they're out of their misery, and it's us going on with the struggles of life, alone. Try not to be sorry for him, he made it to his better place. There is ultimately nothing you could have done differently that would have affected the outcome, even though we beat ourselves up over the what ifs, it is what it is. We need to be understanding and kind to ourselves, we need it most of all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dimcl Posted February 25, 2011 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Try not to be sorry for him, he made it to his better place. There is ultimately nothing you could have done differently that would have affected the outcome... Thank you, kayc, but you see, I don't believe that there is "a better place". Neither did Glenn. That's not a reflection on your kind advice to me, and you're right that there's nothing I could have done to affect the outcome. I guess I'm just unable to get past the injustice. I've always been a bit of a control freak, and I guess not being able to control this has set me back on my heels. The history of our relationship, once I tell it, might explain why I'm so sorry for all these things. He put up with an awful lot during our many years together and I defended him like a mother bear and I guess I'm still in that mode. Only, this time there's no defense, nobody to protect him from, no resolution to the problem, and it's driving me crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 It's been 3 1/2 months since I lost Glenn and as lots of people here have pointed out has happened to them, it is getting harder for me, not easier. I know that right now, a large part of my problem is being hung up on feeling so badly for Glenn. Oh sure, I feel sorry for myself too, but what really breaks my heart is how sorry I am for this to have happened to my strong, vital man. I'm sorry he got cancer. I'm sorry that the !#$%^ family physician didn't authorize a colonoscopy in 2009 when Glenn asked for one. I'm sorry that I didn't stay longer with him that last night in the hospital. He was doing just fine, was off all painkillers and we were talking about getting him home. I'm sorry that the GD doctors didn't properly monitor his heart after the first episode of atrial fibrillation two days after his surgery. That's what killed him 3 days later, not the cancer. I'm sorry he died all alone in a hospital bed and not at home. I'm sorry that he always believed he would live to be 95. I'm sorry for so many things, but I'm mostly sorry that my lovely man was cheated. These are all things that I had no control over (except for leaving him that night), but I can't get past the injustice of it. I want to scream and rant and rave, but there's nobody and nothing to scream at. He didn't deserve what happened to him. I know that life's not fair and I know that I'm railing about things I can do nothing about, but right now, this is my predominant concern. How do I tell myself that there's no point in being sorry about these things? How do I get past wanting to make it up to him when I know I can't? How do I tell myself that it's okay when it's not? Di One of Michael's doctor phoned after he died and screamed at me "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT". It was pretty harsh at the time, but if you knew the Doctor, it was to be expected. That phone call has since helped me a lot. Death is tragic and there is no right time for anyone to die and when they are taken too soon, it is devastating... There are lots of what if's and why's, but the reality is the death happened, it is not right nor fair, hopefully with support and love from friends, family and this group, slowly we can get through this and learn to appreciate and embrace the love shared... Be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted March 1, 2011 Report Share Posted March 1, 2011 Di, I wish there was an answer to your questions, it would help all of us to be able to get on with this process of grieving. Lars has been gone 15 months on March 11th and I still wonder if there was more I could have done, or the doctors. I know that I did everything I could, I know our family doctor also did everything he could. I can find fault with the specialist, but it isn't going to do any good. Not one of the people that we've lost deserved this, but it isn't something we can control. I hated to see the pain and suffering Lars went through the last few months. I wish even now that I could have been able to take some of his pain. As you said these things can't be controlled.Yes, I'd also like to rant and rave and scream at the injustice of it all. I'm sorry for your pain,and hope you start to feel better soon. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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