The Party

[teny]

hellow my far away friends I was thinking of posting this and was not sure that was good for the new ones here > iv read deborah your post so Ifound courage to post.I have been invited to aparty where alot of people are going tojoin dressed in carnival costumes.I have axcepted the invitation and as the days came closer I felt depressed and I knew I did not be part of such an event .Music celebration fake joy.My feeling of grief are here all the time and I new that it would be a great difference of my inner world and the face I had to put on.I called to say that will not go .My friends gould not believe that after 4 years Im not over my grief.Some thought its not normal and I have to ask for profetional help.Nobody that has not been in this terrible journey can realy understand.I prefare solidute than being part of an event so stange to my feelings.Deborah you are not the only one.We are paying for love and it hurts.love from far away.Teny

[sunstreet]

Dear Teny,

I am so sorry and I completely understand. Thank you for your courage in posting. It has been just over 7 years for me and it has only been very recently that I feel joy in my life again. It is OK to feel the way you do. I don't think anyone can ever understand until they themselves experience the loss of their "soulmate"

I understand when you say you prefer solitude, as I do as well. I am sorry that your friends are not understanding at all. Teny, we all understand here and I encourage you to let it all out here.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Dimcl]

I prefare solidute than being part of an event so stange to my feelings.

Teny, I think this is the most natural feeling in the world. And I'm discovering that there is no timeline for "getting over it". I'm only 3 1/2 months into this, but when I go out, all's I want to do is come home and be by myself. Being among people is so difficult. And being at a gay and colourful costume party would be just horrible. Don't let your friends unduly influence you. And only you can know whether you need professional help. In your heart of hearts, you know what's "right" for you.

Hugs.

Di

[Mrs. B]

Dear Teny, I know that feeling only to well. It will be two years that Rick passed away this March 6 and it is still hard. It seems this year its even harder because i have slowed down doing things around the house as i kept going going going so as not to have to think about him not here. We used to have friends get together for bbqs and dinners and it seemed they had grown away. So this weekend I am having an international potluck dinner . Everyone is coming and im pumped. Imagine that. You just have to ask and they are still there. Friends that is. I guess i distanced myself from them. It wont be the same but without Ricks dry sense of humor but we will have a good time. Only thing is Im hoping they dont find it to strange that i still have his coats and boots in the exact place he left them cause im still not ready to move them. I will on my time. take care. Mrs.B

[LarrysGirl]

Hello Teny, Its has been awhile since you posted and I was thinking of you, wondering how you were. The few friends I have left feel that 5 yrs. is to long to grieve but they haven't had the loss that you and I have had. Maybe its just the way its going to be for some of us. The recovery is slower or not at all. I'm sorry you weren't able to attend the party. I know you miss Yanni. Take care of yourself, Deborah

[kayc]

Teny,

I think it's important you do what you feel is right for you and you did the right thing. No one can compare to another's journey. Those who have not been down this road have no idea what it's like and so cannot make recommendations for you. You have struggled in your grief, yes, but you have also progressed some. But you will never be "over it", it just doesn't work like that. Yiani was too much a part of you and your life to ever be over the loss of him. You do what is right for you and don't worry about what anyone else says or thinks.

[Maryo]

Hi Teny,

Thank goodness we can change our mind when we need to. Many times I had said yes and had to back out and I found my friends mostly understood.Sometimes it was easier to say I was not feeling well then to let them know it was a bad grieving day for me.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[marsha]

Hugs, Teny - still here...and I understand what you're saying. I like solitude, also. I like working and I like talking and joking with my customers and my friends, but I find it a relief to be alone, to journal and think and just be. It's a hard thing to explain, isn't it? Love and hugs, Marsha

[Deb625]

I remember when I was new to this journey that one of my long time friends took great offense to my reply when turning down a dinner invite that I just wasn't up to "making-face". I simply didn't want to be in a group of people when my world was upside down and I was beside myself in grief. I had never imagined that she would not understand... We were friends for over 20 years, our friendship has dissolved through my grief. It may come back over time,and I hope it does, however, for now that lack of understanding hurt and what I'm going through I just can't make someone else understand.

There were other events that I did make effort to go to, one as my girlfriend said - it would "just be bad business" not to attend a festival we had all attended for over 10 years... While it was very painful to go, it was good of me to make the effort for those who have supported me, it was also good to get out of my own head and be a part of life - did I enjoy myself, no - did I go to bed early and cry myself to sleep absolutely. Was it good to go for me? probably not. Was it good for me to go for my friends? yes.

I think it is easy to live in the bubble of grief, (I would be embarrassed to say just how many days I've spent in bed). Is it a healthy place to be? Probably not. However, I respect that we have to look at ourselves and how we feel, we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost through this and that means being gentle, not forcing ourselves to do things we know will be too stressful and too painful. This is a journey of many, many steps and with each one it is just to place one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb