Having A Hard Time

[Cris]

I dont post very often because I feel too that I should be better by now! I come to this site and read all the posts so I dont feel like Im alone with all these crazy feelings. It will soon be 4 years in June for me. Ive made alot of changes this past year and I was hoping it would help me not miss Larry so so much!!!! But this time of year I seem to have trouble. I read Deborahs post and realized Im not alone with these feelings! Alot of you have been lonely too! Ive come a long way but still cry alot! I was with him for 30 wonderful years! I was only 19 when we got together and now a widow at 52. I hate that word! I have 2 fantastic kids and good friends and feel guilty complaining when some have none of this. I am very thankful but still hurt so so much. At times I think there is something wrong with me! Im so scared of the future without him!I pray everyday for the pain to lessen. I Think Im afraid to let go of the pain?! It seems like the only constant in my life. Does that even make sense?? Well anyway I wont ramble on. But I do thank everyone on this site for being honest! I pray for all of us on this site no matter how short or how long weve been on this journey none of us asked for! God Bless Cris

[keyboardplayer]

Just want to let you know I'm praying for you and sending you a big hug.

[melina]

Cris,

I've been a widow 7 months, but I can actually see myself feeling the way you do after four years. I'm also 52 and my husband and I were together for 30 years. I was only 21 when we first met. This is the first time I've had to live my life as an adult without him. So suddenly be alone seems just plain wrong.

I also get scared thinking about the future. Maybe I'll have to face it alone. Often I feel it's better to cling to what I had, even if it causes me pain. Maybe by letting go of the pain, you feel you're letting go of your husband and the life you had? Not sure - but know that you're not alone.

Melina

[Cris]

Thankyou Melina! I know in my head that is one of the reasons I cant seem to let go! Im trying so hard to live for if nothing else my kids! They dont deserve to worry about losing me too! He died of a massive heart attack on his Bday! I came home from running an errand and mt life was over!!They say sudden deaths are the hardest. But any loss is !! I know you only grieve as deeply as you loved! And God knows I loved that man!! Thanks again to you and Keyboard for your kind words!

[Lainey]

Cris,

We grieve as deeply as we love is such a true statement.But thank God we were lucky enough to have that kind of love for however long we had it.I was lucky for 41 years to have Lars with me.

Compared to you I am still new(15 months) and though most days are good now, there are times when I'm doing something and all of a sudden I can feel the deep sadness building in me until it feels like my heart is breaking into a million pieces.Sometimes it will last a day or longer,other times the pain goes away quicker.

I think Melina may be right about letting go of the pain feels like you're letting go of your husband and life.I try to remember that I will have my memories in my heart for all time, that helps me let go.

Lainey

[Cris]

Thankyou Lainey! I know I have to work on letting go of the pain! Somedays are better then others. But yes we are very lucky to have had the true love that we had! It still hurts to be without them! But Im going to try! My kids deserve that much! I think being afraid of the future without him is one of the hardest for me. I was always the strong one and now I feel like such a baby! I just new he always was there for me ! I wish peace and some happiness for us all on this site! Hugs Cris

[kayc]

Chris, what you are experiencing is very normal, and very common. It IS lonely. With time you get a bit more comfortable with the aloneness but it still gets old. It just is how it is...we're always going to miss them. Two years, four years, six years, it doesn't matter, we just miss them and nothing takes their place.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Cris]

Thankyou Kay! I agree with you!! No amount of time is ever going to totally heal all this pain. Someone told me that you just learn to live with it so it becomes bearable! Yesterday was a bad day for me because I took my daughter and soninlaw to the airport for a trip. They were going to the same island that Larry and I went many times for my Bday. It was our special place!! I was so happy for them and so sad for me!!! I cries the whole way home. I miss him sooo bad sometimes I cant breathe. Anyway thanks for responding! Hugs to you too! Cris

[Cheryl]

I have found grieving is very easy. I have no trouble crying. releasing the pain and hibernating from the world. It's living that's so hard. I never thought I had it in me, to be so sad. Shocking to me that this world of grief existed. I had no idea. But I am in an upswing right now! I have had several weeks where life is looking very hopeful and the light at the end of the tunnel is glimmering. I am praying that this roller coaster is slowing down a little bit! I hope we all have days of peace! Cheryl

[LarrysGirl]

Cris, wanted to tell you I was thinking of you and as you know it is hard, this grief journey. I guess we've made it this far but it certainly hasn't been easy. We are always going to miss our "Larry's". Deborah

[Cris]

Thankyou Deborah! It was nice hearing from you! Im staying at my daughters this week and using her computer. I think of you often and wonder how your doing!? Im having a bad couple days and its been so nice to come to this site. I just hesitate to post I feel so much like you do about scaring the new ones! I dont know some days how I ever got this far! June 4th will be here before you know it and April is my Bday May my anniversary. Need I say more! The next couple months will be painful to say the least. I pray for all of us here! Take care of yourself and know your in my prayers! Thankyou Cherly also for your response. I appreciate everyones input! Hugs to all Heaven knows we all can use them! Cris

[Dimcl]

Chris, I think the fear is something we all live with. My friends and family all know me as a strong woman, but little do they know how much I fear the future, and how frightened I am of everything. After 4 months, though, I look back and realize how much I have accomplished, without even realizing it. The thing is that I've taken baby steps, and tried not to push myself too hard.

Two months ago, the thought of going to a movie without Glenn was appalling. Last week, I decided to give it a try. I figured that it would be money well-spent to see if I could do it, and I did! I could have walked out if it was too hard, but I got through it.

A few weeks ago, my front door lock stopped working, and I was in a state! But, I knew where Glenn's screwdriver's were and I took the lock apart, fiddled with it, sprayed on some lubricant and got it working again! I've never done that in my life, but I did it knowing that I could always call a locksmith if I needed to. Nothing is written in stone, but unless we take those baby steps, we'll never prove to ourselves that we can do it. And I got great satisfaction in knowing how impressed and proud of me Glenn would be to see me fixing that lock!

I, too, am afraid that healing will somehow make me forget, and I'm really, really, afraid of that. But, would Glenn want to see me paralyzed with fear and grief? Absolutely not. I believe that if they could, all of our loved ones would tell us that our pain causes them pain and I wouldn't cause my darling man any pain for all the world. I think we honour their love for us and their faith in us, when we move forward with our lives.

Glenn and I were a couple for 34 years and I'm now a widow at 57. He would understand that I'm afraid, and that I need time, but he would also expect me to give things the college try. And if I don't succeed, I'll call the locksmith.

I hear your pain, Chris, and wish you peace. Hugs.

Di

[Cris]

Thankyou Di! Your husband would be very proud of you!! You sound like a very strong woman. Here I am much further along on this journey then you and your helping me!! Sometimes I let the grief take over when Im sad and lonely and missing him sooo much. But reading here helps put thing in order! I wish you peace and happiness to you and all of us on this very hard journey!! Hugs Cris

[mfh]

Good for you, Di. Baby steps are the key. I could relate...I finally (one year on March 27) emptied my husband's dresser....I could not do it a month ago. Lots of baby steps like you have taken. Tough but feel good that I did things. I also have days that are pure pain.