mfh Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 As the first anniversary of my husband's death approaches, I find myself dreaming of him almost every night...pleasant, wonderful times together, vivid times that feel real...until I awaken to find it was a dream and he is gone and I lost him all over again. Bittersweet. Part of me hopes I will dream at night but the pain of losing him again is huge. March 27 is the first anniversary and I find myself reliving those last weeks, terrible days in the hospital caused by poor medical guidance, and so much more. Thank goodness I got him home for his last 5 days. I feel I have been too tired and exhausted to be angry at the hospital or that I lost Bill...I am in survival mode...but living in Wisconsin right now, a few miles from Madison, and being involved in the protest movement going on here my anger has been hooked and it is hard to sort out which I am really angry at sometimes...since both Bill's death and the situation here in Wisconsin are truly anger provoking. However, in the big picture...as angry as I am about this political mess, ONLY my loss of Bill hurts. I have no idea how the next two weeks will go in regards to this anniversary. What I am clear about is that the pain will go on...the day after this anniversary will hurt just as much as today and just as much as the anniversary day. I will miss him every single day until I take my last breath.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DVLocker Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I have only had 3 dreams in the last 7 months and they were me passing away alone with Sally waiting quietly to guide me over. They have been so real I wake gasping for air. I don't even mind the dreams I get to see Sally. I just wish she would say my favorite greeting she would do "Heyyy Baby"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cris Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Mfh, I have dreams sometimes of Larry too! They are like you say BITTERSWEET. I dont want to wake up and when I do I just want to go back to sleep!It will be 4 years in June for me!I was angry at first too! Thats normal. I still get mad sometimes that I have to be alone when all my friends still have there husbands! Dont get me wrong I dont wish this pain on my worst enemy! I too will miss Larry until the day I die and get to be with him again!I will be thinking of you in the up coming weeks and pray that you get through it with out too much pain! But I know from experience that for me the weeks leading up to certain dates are worse then the day itself! So be kind to yourself and take care of YOU!!!! Hugs Cris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Thank you Cris. I agree...so far the anticipation is worse than the actual thing....I know that when it is 4 years...I will still be missing Bill as you are now missing Larry. It is a new life...a paradigm shift for sure...everything has changed. Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 11, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 I agree, DVLocker, the dreams are wonderful times together. It is the waking up that is tough. I just want to keep dreaming.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deb625 Posted March 12, 2011 Report Share Posted March 12, 2011 I am almost 10 months into this world I did not want to be in. It is truly awful to lose a spouse, the pain unbearable at times, I know I have felt what I only read about - i.e.a human heart can truly feel pain to the extent that I've had to catch my own breath. It is horrible to live in the pain that their loss has inflicted upon us and especially the pain to our hearts. I recognise my pain is real, my grief is real, all what I thought of as my future is gone and I am now alone. The lonliness is sometimes unfathomable - is that what I hate most? I don't know. I do question who does it serve to live in this pain? Does it serve the one we love that has passed? Do they want us to live in sorrow? I know my Michael would hate to see me in such pain. How do I overcome and find the will to truly live and to find joy? I can only hope and pray that what happened yesterday has a greater meaning in for my WHOLE life and recognize that my life is not over... I don't have any answers, but keep placing one foot in front of the other and hoping that tomorrow is a better day... It is hard. Take care, Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 14, 2011 Report Share Posted March 14, 2011 I think my 1st anniversary went better than I'd anticipated. I had a double whammy as my husband died on Father's Day, so I had June 19 and Father's Day both messed up. But I think I felt a sense of triumph at having made it past the "firsts without", and even though it was by no means over or the hurdle behind me, it was a milestone nonetheless. We can't help but remember that day, it's embedded in our memory bank, but I'm not sure it was that much worse than any other day of living without him. You will be in my thoughts on your first anv. of his death. (((hugs))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Queeniemary Posted March 15, 2011 Report Share Posted March 15, 2011 Will be on the ocean on a cruise on that day, but I will tell you now, that I will be thinking of you on that 1st anniversary, and pray that the peace that came to me on the anniversary of Mike's death will visit you also. I think he caused it, I think he was telling me that he is fine and it was time for me to move on a little. I still grieve, and miss him so much, but have this peaceful feeling that I believe he sent to me. Blessings and prayers for you. Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 18, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Dreams continue. Last night Bill and I were rescuing a lost dog....Wake up and he is gone again. I don't think the anniversary (March 27) is the big thing because Mar. 28 and Apr. 28 will still hurt. The deepening of the reality that he IS gone are what hurt....the anniversary is a greater awareness of that. If any of this makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Country Sunshine Posted March 19, 2011 Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 (((((mfh))))) I have only had one dream.... and in that dream, I went to an old victorian home... and he was waiting inside the door... he looked like he did when he was much younger... we held each other and kissed and hugged for a long time... and I was so elated to be able to smell the scent of him again... oh it was so glorious.. and then he told me someone was waiting to speak to me in the other room.. and for me to go in.. I opened the door and walked into a rather large room.. and there glowing bright as the sun was Jesus. I stood in total awe and then took a trembling step to reach out to touch him and He backed away and put his hand up to stop me . and said "No, it is not yet your time, as I have much for you to do yet." He said to please reach out to Him when the pain comes upon me and He would calm my fears... no matter how often or when. Then he told me I must go... but that He would always be right there always. I turned to go back to see Bob, but then was awakened by one of our pups... I wish I could dream more often of my beloved.. I miss him so very much... and it still seems so impossible that he is gone from this world.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted March 19, 2011 Author Report Share Posted March 19, 2011 What an incredible dream....sometimes I think the dreams are real...I mean it is their way of contacting us and I love every minute of them and even though it is painful to waken and he is gone...I would deal with that to dream every night. And the Jesus part of the dream is wonderful and right on....thank you for sharing that with me and all of us. The dreams are truly gifts...thank you. I wish dreams for all who want them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now