Missing Him So Much!

[new]

It has been 2 months since my husband passed away in a sudden accident. He was helping his friend and somehow ended up getting crushed by a tractor roll over. We have been together since we were 15 & 16. We just had our 32nd wedding anniversary Feb 3rd and this happened Feb 16th. We were very close and did almost everything together. At times, I just can't believe that this is true and the waves of pain are overwhelming at times. We were blessed with one child and he is busy & I don't want to worry him. He somehow feels he is responsible for me now. When I try to call someone as my couselor suggests when I am feeling upset, they feel uncomfortable and want off of the phone as soon as possible. I know they don't understand, I end up changing the subject to make them feel better. Everyone kept telling me, that I needed to go back to work & I would feel better when I had something else to think about. I just went back to work, which seems to make everyone else feel better. They keep saying, you feel better now that you're back to work, don't you. The answer is no but I evade this answer because of the reaction I get. I know everyone feels better if you tell them you are okay, but I am really not OK. I am surviving so far and that isn't easy. I just try to get through each day and am grateful when it is over. I just can't see my life without him.

[mfh]

Your loss is huge. You lost someone who is part of you. People do not know how to deal with us. It is a year since I lost my husband (we did everything together also-best friend) and I have learned how little people are capable of responding unless they have been there. That is where this group comes in...we have all been there...we are non judgmental and we respond out of our own pain not our fear or our desire to have you make us feel better. We have all been through that, believe me.It happened twice to me yesterday. One day at a time, sometime one hour at a time is how I live now. I am alone...no kids. Adult sibs far away and not real helpful. Good friends and a handful who are there for me as best they can. If there is a spousal loss support group within 50 miles it will be worth it. They get it. In the meantime, read here and write here and you will get support. I don't even remember the first two months after Bill died....it is a blur. Take it slow, be patient. We are all surviving. I can not imagine living without my love...and yet I have to....life feels empty and lonely. The house is silent and I come home to silent walls. I cry a lot still...a year later and I will a year from now. WE are all with you. mfh

[Perkins808]

First I want to start out by telling you how sorry I am that you are now part of this club that nobody wants to be part of. I lost my husband 9 months ago today - and there are still days that I can't imagine my life without him.....yet I have been living without him all this time.

I came across this quote a while back - and it seems so fitting for us....."Anybody can ask how you are, but a true friend will actually stick around and wait for the answer." I myself have a few true friends that know how I'm really doing. Everybody else gets the "I'm doing ok" - because they really don't want to know that I still cry myself to sleep at night, or that certain songs come on the radio and break my heart, or that when I see a couple walking along holding hands it makes me want to scream because the man that I used to LOVE holding hands with is gone.

My best advice for you - come here often, whether it's just to read what others have been through, whether it's to vent about what makes you angry, whether it's to pour out all the things that make you sad.....or when the time comes (and it will) share the things that bring a smile to your face again. There is no judgment here - we all come from different circumstances, different backgrounds.....but we all share the common pain of losing someone so very dear to us. You will find that everyone grieves in their own way - and there is no wrong way. Do what works for you and be patient with yourself. Whatever you are feeling - sadness, anger, fear....it's all normal. We all feel it, we're all living it. I can tell you that it will get better - I just can't tell you when. There is no timetable that everyone fits on.....you set your own pace and have to do what works for you.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

Hugs,

Tammy

[Lainey]

new,

I'm so sorry that you lost your husband, and in such an awful way.Two months make you very new to the pain, you still must be in shock. I can't imagine how we get through those first few months without losing our sanity. I guess that's why our body makes us sleep so much.

Take the time YOU need to heal, are you sure you were ready to go back to work? Unless you need the money, it might be a good idea to take more time off. I'm 16 months into this journey and at least 3x a month I just need to veg all day, sleep and relax as much as possible or I'd be exhausted.But it is true, the pain lessens to an extent.

You said your counsillor said to phone someone when you're upset. I've found that most people, as you said, are uncomfortable. Until you've been where we are, it's very hard to know what to say. I was one of those that was at a loss for words if I met someone who had lost someone dear to them . Now I'd know how they feel,and would be willing to listen or comfort them.

I wouldn't hesitate to call your son if I were you. He is also greiving and maybe is afraid to talk to you for fear of making you more upset. My three kids have been a great source of comfort for me.

Once again, I'm truly sorry for your loss.

Lainey

[new]

Thank you for the information and the kind words. I will take your advice and keep reading and following this support group. It does help, it makes me feel a little less of an alien. I don't think anyone of us wants to be in this grief, but yet here we are. Your words of wisdom are appreciated.

[kayc]

New,

I am sorry you lost your husband and life partner so prematurely, it must be very hard to go on without him as you've had him there your whole life and you were in no way expecting any of this! Right now survival is about all you can expect of yourself and even that seems a tall order at times. The truth is, I'm not sure there's anything that can make you feel better right now, you just have to go through it, grief and all, but you will get through this and eventually it won't suck the very breath out of you like it does now. Please keep coming here, there's a lot of people going through the same journey all in different timetables and it helps to go through it together with someone who understands.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[new]

Kay, Thank you for your kind words and support. I know deep down that there is nothing that anyone can really do. I just sometimes feel so desperate to feel normal again but have to tell myself that my old "normal" is gone. I am glad that I have found a place where my feelings are acknowledged and understood. It's not that I want others to feel like I do but the validation that this is not abnormal to feel so sad and lost and all of the other feelings helps. I am just dumbfounded at the lack of education about the loss of a spouse and all of the physical and emotional changes that you go through. I know that people probably don't mean to be insensitive but if they were better educated maybe they wouldn't be. You understand, it does suck the breath out of me as it sounds like it does all of us. Thanks again New

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad you have found this site, it helped me many many times when I did not think I could survive. It is being able to share your pain, questions, disbelief and know you are understood by all of us. I wanted to say that I also have been amazed at the lack of support or information regarding the loss of a spouse. No one speaks to you about the emotional turmoil or physical symptoms you will experience. I felt I was losing my mind sometimes because family and friends didn't understand. I realize if they haven't had the experience they can't know what to do, but the lack of compassion was shocking to me. Finding support in my area was not easy and my best support came from the people on this site and Marty, who's kindness and genuine compassion for each of us has been a tremendous comfort to me. I hope you will find some comfort and peace here. Deborah